“Online Viagra for Free” virus to be Congress’ next Prime Ministerial candidate

My Rahul Gandhi satirical post of the day.

New Delhi. Inside sources from within the Congress party has revealed that with Rahul Gandhi refusing to be named as the party’s Prime Ministerial candidate, the party has decided to name an online virus called “Online Viagra for Free” as its official Prime Ministerial candidate for 2014 polls. The party is expected to officially launch the virus in a press conference later this month.

“No antivirus in the world has been able to kill this virus and it comes from a long dynasty of successful viruses,” a source within the Congress said, on condition of anonymity. “It has even been posting articles on Faking News consistently which the idiotic editors of the site keep deleting for some reason.” When asked why people like him in the Congress party read Faking News, the source replied, “Oh! It’s the best way to keep in touch with what Rahul baba has said during the day.”

“Whatever you say about the virus, it is consistent,” the man added. “It keeps sending you emails, it keeps trolling Hindu nationalists and keeps posting random comments on blogs even though by and large no one takes note of it. Here in the Congress party, we really like leaders who keep making meaningless comments consistently.”

Sources suggest that the virus faced stiff competition from other online viruses such as “Urrgs Sexo Bozo” and “Nude pics online” but made it because of its secular credentials.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/31/online-viagra-for-free-virus-to-be-congress-next-prime-ministerial-candidate/

After Micromax, Hugh Jackman to be brand ambassador for Onions

Wolverine daa for Onions... Satire


New Delhi. The Food Ministry has revealed that with the prices of onions refusing to come down, they have given up on the food item and decided to hire Hugh Jackman as the brand ambassador for the vegetable to make it appear worth the price.While there were no comments from Jackman’s side, Union Food Minister K. V. Thomas confirmed the move.

“Yes we have hired Jackman aka Wolverine daa,” Thomas said to this Faking News reporter. “After Micromax hired him, everybody is taking them seriously and thinking Micromax phones are worth the price. Now with Wolverine daa endorsing onions for us, people will start appreciating the vegetable too. After all, a lot of middlemen put in a lot of effort to hoard the vegetable and it needs to be appreciated,” he explained.

“Wolverine daa also has a lot of claws, with which he can cut the onions easily, making him the ideal brand ambassador,” Thomas added, “People should stop worrying about the price rise and see how cool is it to buy and cut onions.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/after-micromax-hugh-jackman-to-be-brand-ambassador-for-onions/

Emergency meeting called to plan scam after 4000 Crores of minerals discovered in Bundelkhand

Couldn't resist. Satire.

Calculating the amount to be distributed?

Immediately after the department of mineral and mines found a treasure trove of minerals in Bundelkhand worth Rs 4,000 crore, the PMO has reportedly called for an emergency meeting of the cabinet. The meeting was called to discuss the best way to organize a scam to pocket the money quickly and thereafter, distribute it equitably amongst the various political allies of the UPA.

“This meeting is extremely imperative to the smooth functioning of the delicate UPA alliance,” a junior cabinet minister said, on condition of anonymity. “There has not been a proper scam for a long time now, running into thousands of crores. What is the point of a hundred crore scam? After distributing equally amongst all the ministers, all you get is a few crores. Even a Mayback costs five crores… what is the point of doing a scam then?”

The minister added they had had high hopes from Unnao but all that they had discovered underneath was a sleeping Bappi Lahiri, wearing his usual ten kilograms of gold.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/29/emergency-meeting-called-to-plan-scam-after-4000-crores-of-minerals-discovered-in-bundelkhand/

Inspired by Modi, consultants decide to begin presentations with “Mitron”

Modi bashing & Rahul bashing together.

Now I am certified secular.


Gurgaon: The Modi wave seems to have finally caught up with the corporate world. The cream of consulting firms in India have decide to better embed themselves with Indian culture by inserting terms like “Mitron”, “Shahzade” and “Hindu nationalist” in their presentations.

“We make a lot of presentations to clients and they are not very polite to us all the time,” a consultant said, on condition of anonymity.”Often they ask us questions like how have you arrived at this suggestion, the answer to which most of the times is that our part time janitor/ summer intern copy pasted it from Google. So we have decided to begin every slide in our presentation addressing our clients as “Mitron”. We feel it will give a significantly more friendly vibe to the meetings and reduce unwanted interjections.”

Ironically, Congress has hired a couple of the same top consultants to help formulate a strategy to defeat Modi. Reports suggest that the party has explicitly asked for the presenters to drop such words from their meetings. However, per an inside source, Congress was open to the use of other words like beehive, escape velocity, Jupiter and anger management.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/28/inspired-by-modi-consultants-decide-to-begin-presentations-with-mitron/

Sonia Gandhi expresses displeasure at the ending of “Lunchbox”

Has Sonia Gandhi ever expressed an opinion except displeasure? Satire.


New Delhi: After weeping due to the Batla House encounter, the impasse over the food security bill, defeat of a candidate in Bangalore, lack of unity in the Kerala Congress, the amount of masala in her McMasala burger, etc. Sonia Gandhi has reportedly expressed her displeasure over the ambiguous ending of “Lunchbox”.

“Sonia madam did not understand Lunchbox,” Salman Khurshid, official spokesperson for Sonia Gandhi’s unhappiness episodes said. “She explicitly expressed her displeasure over the ambiguous ending and did not leave the cinema hall for thirty minutes after the movie ended, thinking some reasonable ending would be shown. Either Irrfan Khan dies in a terrorist blast on the Bombay local or catches up with the affair-waalee lady and goes to Bhutan with her.”

”They could have at least shown an ending with a couple of shots in Bhutan… or shown Irrfan’s severed limbs after the bomb blast,” Mr. Khurshid added. “Madamji left the hall weeping, unable to understand why she had not understood the movie. It also gave her severe acidity.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/28/sonia-gandhi-expresses-displeasure-at-the-ending-of-lunchbox/

The death of Indian TV and why Ekta Kapoor must be polished off

When I think of growing up, my memories are inextricably linked to the shows on TV that I had lunch or dinner with. Barring a short phase where I watched cartoons with lunch, my life revolved around being up to date with the latest episodes of TV shows. I remember Shreeman Shrimati, Kartavya, Dekh Bhai Dekh, Just Mohabbat, Ghar Ek Mandir, Ek  Mahal Ho Sapnon Ka, Banegi Apni Baat, Hum Paanch, etc.

I think back and try to mathematically deduce what went wrong with Indian TV serial programming over the years. How and why did Indian TV manage to give up on its end consumers- and become like political parties- all of whom can be painted with the same brush. Corrupt, staid, rigid and boring.

Perhaps our idea of TV was different then (ten years ago)- programming options were limited. There were four channels then- you had to watch what they showed. Yet I must say that even today when I happen to catch an old TV program I find it remarkably entertaining. Half of that I attribute to nostalgia but the other half I have to attribute to a superiority of content. Today’s TV shows are all about formulae- good woman, good man, vamp and mother in law plus some drum bashing and irritating close up shots of the characters’ faces.

The greatest achievement for a TV show is to get its viewers hooked… so hooked that they will take sick leaves, cancel doctors’ appointments, etc. to catch it. But getting people hooked on to a sequential show (in which you need to watch from the first or the second episode to understand the show completely or alternately watch at least two to three episodes to get the hang of the story) is tough. In today’s TV business, when you are competing with western channels and news it makes more sense to reproduce a saas bahu format that sells, plug in half decent eye-candies (the kind on Big Boss these days) and package it in the same old mediocre hindi GEC TV show format. Because taking on the westerners on content will take too much monetary and creative brawn.

Building a fanbase for a show takes time, money, effort and good writers: all of which Indian TV programming desperately lacks. There is no dearth of talent in this country but I think most of it is getting sucked up into non TV (Bollywood/ films) or worse, getting MBAs and becoming corporate stooges. The TV serial business stooges have now become like media planners in advertising- pushing out mechanical, almost identical media plans for one brand after the other. Identical serials for one channel after the other. Identical saas bahu sagas.

Notice the shows that do extremely well on Indian TV today. Kapil Sharma’s eponymous show, Big Boss, KBC, et al. They are all shows that you needn’t catch every episode of. That is why Ekta Kapoor has ensured our TV shows have come to. We (and by we, I mean my generation) have simply lost faith in the capacity of hindi TV programming to entertain. My generation has lost faith in hindi TV so much that they believe that they needn’t really catch every episode because even if you switch on one week or one month down the line, the story will still be there. Or even if the story has changed, the show will still exist, refusing to end- going through generation leaps, facial transplants and actor retrenchments.

The great thing about great stories is that they end. Great movies, great books are great because in the end there is, in magical terms, a prestige- a final act that blows your mind away. Think here of the final scene from Hurt Locker with Xhibit’s Where's Bin Laden playing and adrenaline junkie Jeremy Renner walking off into the dust of Iraq.

Mind. Frigging. Blown.

The greatest failure of Indian TV storytelling today is that it is not designed to end. It is designed to continue, making money for listed production houses, selling advertising space for the channel, ensuring the corporate stooge earns his salary. With everything now monetized, with there being far too many consultants and MBAs, every TV serial is now more a potential cash cow than a source of entertainment for you and me.

It’s not like the good old days. When TV was fun and games.

Sigh.

CBI instructed to forget about missing coal files; investigate missing Krishh 2

Krishh 3 is going to suck. Big time. But for now let me ridicule our administration. Again.

Satire.

After being asked to go slow on Manmohan Singh in the Coalgate scam, the Central Bureau of Investigation has been asked to occupy its time better by investigating more important cases such as the absence of a Krishh 2 between Krishh 1 and Krishh 3. CBI Director Ranjit Singh aka “Caged Parrot” confirmed the news report.

“The government is really perturbed by the fact that we are targeting all these politicians, bureaucrats and industrialists continuously,” Mr. Singh said. “So we have been asked to investigate more worthy cases, like the absence of a Krishh 2. Madame Sonia Gandhi was especially perturbed by our investigations and has left the Parliament house weeping on several occasions because of this.”

“We are also looking for the Cosco ball Rahul Gandhiji lost while playing gully cricket with Indira Gandhi’s bodyguards in 1980,” Mr. Singh said. “We have discovered ten thousand two hundred and twenty three lost Cosco balls so far but Rahulji has not yet been able to identify the correct ball. But we are making significant progress every day in this case as well.”

“One of the theories we are working on is that he hit it too hard and it attained escape velocity,” he added.

my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/26/cbi-instructed-to-forget-about-missing-coal-files-investigate-missing-krishh-2/

Inspired by Jacky Bhagnani, Congress to keep relaunching Rahul Gandhi in rallies until he makes sense

Armaan Kohli's failed acting career inspired me to write about Rahul Gandhi. These days, anything can inspire me to write about Rahul Gandhi. I am just in that zone.

Satire.

A sting operation conducted by Faking News has revealed that the Congress party has decided to use the same strategy used by the fathers of failed actors such as Jacky Bhagnani, Fardeen Khan, Mimoh Chakraborty, and Armaan Kohli.

The party passed a resolution to keep on relaunching and thereafter re-relaunching (and thereafter, re- re- relaunching and so on…) Rahul Gandhi in rallies, until he begins making some sense.

“What you do not realize is that everytime we do a rally with Rahul baba, we are relaunching him,” Digvijay Singh said into a hidden camera, taking this Faking News reporter into confidence. “But he goes ahead and makes some remark like Jupiter’s escape velocity or I have lost it which means national media, Twitter and Faking News have a field day at his expense,” he said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“But we are determined to keep relaunching him,” Mr. Singh continued, a hint of passion detectable in his voice. “He is the son of the son of a Gandhi. He has to succeed.”

“If needed, we will even do an item number at one of his rallies to divert attention from any unintended remarks from Rahul baba,” the veteran Congress leader added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/25/inspired-by-jacky-bhagnani-congress-to-keep-relaunching-rahul-gandhi-in-rallies-until-he-makes-sense/

China hires Robert Vadra to help usurp as much Indian land as possible

I can guarantee you Robert Vadra will never be prosecuted. However, he can still be ridiculed.

Satire.

A Beijing based news channel has revealed that the Chinese government has gotten in touch with Skylight Hospitality for the purpose of hiring Mr. Robert Vadra, the nation’s son-in-law. Per Choochuyee TV, the Chinese government was desperate to get its hand on Indian territory and after extensive research, had zeroed in on Mr. Vadra as the man for the job.

The Chinese government realized that Mr. Vadra had the best experience and expertise in grabbing land at “zero loss” rates, given his small farmer background. “After claiming land in Rajasthan and Haryana, a small farmer from India called Robert Vadra has claimed more land in India in three years than the great People’s Republic of China in sixty years,” a Chinese government official being interviewed on Choochuyee TV said. “The government of the great nation of China has therefore decided to hire the services of this small farmer to help in its crusade for rightfully claiming territories that have always been its own.”

Meanwhile, Robert Vadra refused to comment. “This report reeks of malfeasance and mischief at the hands of the regime of the realm of the orient,” Manish Tewary said, mainly to try and showcase the three new English words he had learnt over the weekend.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/25/china-hires-robert-vadra-to-help-usurp-as-much-indian-land-as-possible/

CBI chargesheets Ashok Khemka for rising onion prices

It's wondrous the lengths to which the Indian government machinery will go to harass honest bureaucrats. Satirical take.


New Delhi. The Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) has decided to chargesheet Mr. Ashok Khemka, an allegedly honest IAS officer, for rising onion prices.

“You see, prices are rising and Sonia Madam ji, who is very upset with the rising prices, has asked us to find the person responsible for it,” a CBI official told Faking News.“Since we have been asked to go slow on Dr. Manmohan Singh for a few days, and not touch Sharad Pawar before the elections, we had to find a third person who could be held responsible for rising prices,” the official explained how the investigating agency zeroed in on Khemka’s name."

“See, he was chargesheeted earlier for failing to sell enough seed. And as we all know that onions grow from seeds. So it’s a clear that he’s responsible for low production of onions, which is causing the price rise,” the official explained.

The official further pointed out “questionable” track record of Khemka, which showed that he had all the characteristics of an “abnormal” IAS officer.

“Which normal bureaucrat goes on highlights scams in every department he’s posted?” the official argued, “A normal bureaucrat bides his time passing files from one department to the other, so that after retirement he can become the head of some committee investigating the socio-economic impact of the cloudburst in Jhajhar in 1978 on the mating cycles of chimpanzees.”

“It is because of abnormal officers like Ashok Khemka that some people are making abnormal profits on onions. The ultimate sufferers are small farmers like Robert Vadra ji and the common man,” the official concluded.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/cbi-chargesheets-ashok-khemka-for-rising-onion-prices/

Assassins refuse to kill Rahul Gandhi since he is far too entertaining

Why kill you? You complete the idea of India. 

Satire.

Churu, Rajasthan: After Rahul Gandhi revealed that he was afraid of being killed off like his grandmother and father for being secular, Faking News caught up with several communal and terrorist outfits. The consensus among the outfits was that Mr. Gandhi was far too entertaining to be killed.

Too funny.

“Kill him? Why!” said a senior official in Lashkar-eToiba. “He is our daily entertainment. Every night when we get together for dinner, we turn on the television and wait for Rahul Gandhi to come on. Uske bina allah talah kee kasam, roti hee hazam nahi hoti.”

A senior leader from Babbar Khalsa said, “Rahul Gandhi is the reason we live these days. From Jupiter to beehive to self confidence & anger management, he is the only one on TV who consistently provides wholesome entertainment.” Though leaders from other outfits refused to officially comment, unofficial well wishes for Rahul Gandhi’s long life poured in from ULFA, Taliban, Al Qaeda and Al Shabab as well.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/24/assassins-refuse-to-kill-rahul-gandhi-since-he-is-far-too-entertaining/

Man decides to get sex change to improve chances of making it to an IIM

My pet peeve... based on the discrimination I faced as a male general category engineer five years ago. Satire.


A software engineer from Bhopal has decided to take the ultimate plunge in his quest for a seat at one of the top IIMs. The engineer has informed Faking News that in order to convert his calls and for prosperity further down the road in his career, he has decided to turn into a woman.

“I am a general category male engineer,” Tadapit Kumar, the engineer said on a phone call with this Faking News reporter. “That is the worst possible specie of human possible if you want to make it to a top IIM, simply because everyone is a general category male engineer. I have been getting more than 99 percentile for 4 years now but the IIMs keep turning me down because of their stupid diversity rules and my poor twelfth standard marks, which was the first time Sunny Leone entered my life.”

There were a few moments of silence as Mr. Kumar reveled in the nostalgia of his “Sunny Leone” days.
“So I have decided to become a girl,” he continued. “My friend’s sister got into IIM-B with 92 percentile simply because of ten points she got for being a girl and because she is a trained Bharatnatyam dancer which the jury really liked. I don’t know why these B-schools and thereafter corporates need these trained dancer/ cricketer/ stuntmen types and not normal human beings like me,” he said wistfully.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/22/man-decides-to-get-sex-change-to-improve-chances-of-making-it-to-an-iim/

Congress tries to sell Rahul Gandhi on OLX, fails

 The "OLX pe bech de" theme was ringing in my head. Decided to do something about it. Satire.

Trustworthy sources from within the Congress party have revealed that with Rahul Gandhi becoming more of a liability by the day, the party has listed him on OLX and have been trying to sell him off for some time now.

“We saw this ad on TV and realized everybody can sell off their puraana samaan online now,” a senior party functionary said, on condition of anonymity. “So we thought we might as well offload Rahul now given that everything he says becomes an article on Faking News later in the day.”

“We thought we would get at least some interest… at least from some comedy shows, satire sites or maybe from news channels who could entertain people with Rahul’s comments on different things,” the source continued. “But there has been zero interest so far. First they say clean up the system; and when we try to generate party funds in a clean way, we get no interest at all. Ab corruption naa karein toh kya karein?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/22/congress-tries-to-sell-rahul-gandhi-on-olx-fails/

Pandit dreams of more metaphors buried in Rahul Gandhi’s head

Satire.

Uttar Pradesh: In Unnao, Sadhu Sadmanand- a distant relative of Shobhan Sarkar- who dreamt of there being 1000 tonnes of gold being buried under the fort of Raja Bux, has revealed that he has had an epiphany about a different kind of buried treasure. Sadmanand has revealed that there are more than a million metaphors buried in the Congress Vice President, Rahul Gandhi’s head.

“Abhi toh apne kuchh nahi dekha,” Sadmanand, whose name literally means “Joyful shock”, said. “Abhi aslee maal toh nikalna baakee hai. Abhi toh Rahul Gandhiji ek ya do jaanwar aur ek hee planet ke bare mein bolein hain. Aage aage dekhiye kya kya nikalta hai.”

The administration of Unnao said that the Archaeological Survey of India has been alerted and excavations might be imminent. Mr. Gandhi was unavailable for comment but Manish Tewary used heavy English to make an unintelligible remark to defend (?) Mr. Gandhi’s intelligence.

“The veracity of this ascetic hermit’s proclamation must be corroborated by an autonomous autopsy of actualities,” he said to a horde of confused looking reporters. “The cranial region of Mr. Gandhi is completely functional, utterly purposeful and incredibly mindful of India’s dire vitalities and existential empiricalisms are deeply ingrained in his consciousness.”

Someone threw a shoe at Mr. Tewary but it missed.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/20/pandit-dreams-of-more-metaphors-buried-in-rahul-gandhis-head/

Manmohan Singh not mute, he emits sound at very high frequency: PMO

I know I have overdone this but Manmohan Singh's muteness makes for a juicy target. Satire.

New Delhi. The Prime Minister’s Office has come out with a potentially stunning revelation in a press release today. The press release from an unnamed source in the PMO revealed that Manmohan Singh is actually extremely vocal about all kinds of issues- ranging from the way Rahul Gandhi belittled him recently to the amount of salt in his aloo parantha.

“The PM is not mute,” the unnamed source from within the PMO said. “He just emits sound in a very high frequency that human ears cannot hear.” The release went on to blame the Indian public for not possessing the hearing capacity to process sounds emitted by Dr. Manmohan Singh. “You should see the number of bats and dogs he attracts with his speeches,” the release added. “There is a horde of dogs and bats that have made their home in a cave beside his residence.”

“I feel like I am working for a Sikh Batman,” the source concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/18/manmohan-singh-not-mute-he-emits-sound-at-very-high-frequency-pmo/

Father’s name of man who shouted “Baap ka naam kaise liya” discovered

Never been able to understand what makes Indians jump to their fathers' names' honor with so much gusto. Satire.

According to news reports filtering in from various agencies, a special team from CBI has managed to crack an extremely intriguing case. The team from CBI has managed to find out who the father of a certain person who shouted “Baap ka naam kaise liya saale!” was.

“We were all watching TV when this huge gorilla of a man shouted Baap ka naam kaise liya,” Randeep Choudhary, senior detective from the CBI’s crack team said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “So naturally, the government asked us to find out who this guy’s father was. Maybe he was someone important like Rajiv Gandhi and a couple of welfare projects needed to be named after him.”

“It was a difficult task,” Mr. Choudhary continued, after taking a sip of tea. “First of all, most people did not even know who the man himself was. In fact nobody from our team knew this guy. Then somebody told us that he was the only hero to be relaunched four times by his father and that all his relaunch films flopped.”

“Then we lucked upon a film called Jaani Dushman which is perhaps the best unintentional comedy ever made,” Mr. Choudhary added. “I really loved the scene where Sonu Nigam just keeps on dying. And then we saw this guy come on. I have never seen this level of overacting since Shah Rukh Khan happened. Pure gold. Pure gold.”

Responding to a question about the establishment’s next steps, the detective said, “I don’t know why we have been put on this case. Maybe the person really forgot his father’s name and the government wants to spend the agency’s time and money to find out. Who knows what the government really wants when they put us on a case?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/17/fathers-name-of-man-who-shouted-baap-ka-naam-kaise-liya-discovered/

Curiosity over Armaan Kohli’s claim to fame helps Jaani Dushman gross Rs. 10,000 after 10 years

Caught Jaani Dushmaan on TV last night. The movie is better than Gunda. Seriously.


Mumbai. Jaani Dushman, a ten year old movie starring about twenty Bollywood stars of the day and Armaan Kohli, has finally begun making some money according to the movie’s producer. “People were curious who the big gorilla in Big Boss is and so they are flocking to this one movie hall in East Kidwai Nagar still playing the movie,” Rajkumar Kohli, the producer of the movie said. “We have crossed earnings of Rs. 10000 this week,” he said jubilantly. “Fingers crossed, we might cross twelve thousand this week and I would be able to buy back my scooty.”

Faking News managed to reach the cinema hall in Kidwai Nagar (called Shamsher) playing the movie and managed to catch hold of the owner. “For the last ten years, the audience of Jaani Dushman has mostly been this one guy who comes in every week and just keeps on laughing or shouting at the screen maniacally throughout the movie,” the owner said, refusing to confirm whether that person was Armaan Kohli himself.

“But now we are doing brisk business,” he added. “We are getting huge demand from curious housewives and these corporate types looking to de-stress.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/25/curiosity-over-armaan-kohlis-claim-to-fame-helps-jaani-dushman-gross-rs-10000-after-10-years/

Rahul Gandhi decides to turn 24 on his 44th birthday

Satire.

In one of his latest speeches, Mr. Rahul Gandhi- the Vice President of the Congress Party- has revealed that he has decided to turn 24 on his upcoming 44^th birthday. Mr. Gandhi revealed that he had been trying to turn 24 for some years now but only succeeded once so far. However, he mentioned that he was confident that with a new found self-confidence, he had attained the ability to turn 24 again.

“You see it’s all a matter of attaining escape velocity,” Mr. Gandhi said. “Ambedkar did it. Chacha Chaudhary’s right hand man Saboo also did it, that too from Jupiter. When you are a youth leader and you attain escape velocity, anything is possible.”

“I haven’t heard him say this,” Ajay Maken said, when accosted by this Faking News reporter. “But we will go by what Rahulji has said. We will consider an ordinance to enforce this as well, if Rahulji has made up his mind.”

“After all, age is just something you can tear and throw away,” Mr. Maken added, almost as an afterthought.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/10/rahul-gandhi-decides-to-turn-24-on-his-44th-birthday/ 

Inspired by Rahul Gandhi, Super Mario learns how to attain escape velocity

Inspired by Mr. Gandhi's "Escape Velocity" speech. 

Rahul Gandhi to replace Kapil Sharma in ‘Comedy Nights’

A serious Rahul Gandhi is funnier than Ray Romano, Jerry Seinfeld, Mathew Perry and Kapil Sharma put together. Satire.

It appears that the weekend TV show “Comedy Nights with Kapil” on the TV Channel “Colors” would soon be getting a makeover.The ouster of Kapil Sharma from the eponymous show he started on TV seems imminent – with Rahul Gandhi set to replace him.

Mr. Gandhi has, so far, provided comic relief to vast majorities of the Indian population with his observations on poverty, bees, space shuttles and other nonsensical things. “Rahul Gandhi is funnier than Kapil by far- even on a bad day for Mr. Gandhi,” our source from within Colors, told us. “He makes the best analogies anyone can make and that too free of cost. Imagine what he would do if we were to give him a little bit of money for it.”

“He writes his own speeches,” a prominent Gandhi family speechwriter said, on condition of anonymity, refusing to accept any responsibility for any of Mr. Gandhi’s speeches. “Even if we write something for him, he uses his quick wit and education to come up with incredible things on the spot, without any help from anyone. He is truly one of a kind.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/09/rahul-gandhi-to-replace-kapil-sharma-in-comedy-nights/

Rahul Gandhi’s highest ambition revealed: Minister for Cursive Writing

Satirical take on Rahul Gandhi's immature outburst.

After slamming his own party’s ordinance to protect convicted netas, Rahul Gandhi barged into another press conference yesterday morning to reveal his one true ambition since childhood. While Digvijay Singh was entertaining reporters with a long, sometimes self-contradictory speech about Mr. Gandhi’s Prime Ministerial qualities, Mr. Rahul Gandhi walked in suddenly, rolled up his sleeves and said, “My dream is to be Union Minister… Minister for Cursive Writing.”

After expending some nervous energy in rolling up his pajamas as well, Mr. Gandhi continued, “I called up Digvijayji. I had some work with him. I asked him – ‘What are you doing?’ And he said ‘I am here meeting the press’. I asked him – ‘What are you talking about?’ He said – ‘You, of course.’ I asked him – ‘What?’ He, sort of, gave me the explanation.”

At this point, the Congress Vice President took a moment’s dramatic pause before speaking again. “He gave me the line. He gave me the political line that everybody will give you — the Congress will give you, the BJP will give you, everybody will give you. I will tell you what my opinion on myself is. My opinion on my chances as PM is that they are complete nonsense. I love those cute little Spanish cursive writing books and that’s all I love. I want to be Union Minister for Cursive Writing; and nothing else. That’s my opinion. My personal opinion on myself.”

And having said that, Mr. Gandhi promptly got up, rolled up Digvijay Singh’s kurta sleeves as well and left. “What Rahul ji has said is the most important thing,” Digvijay Singh said, as the doors of the hall closed behind Mr. Gandhi. “Rather than what’s happened in the last ten years of UPA rule, we should go by what Rahul ji has just said,” he said. After some thought, Mr. Singh added, “We might bring an ordinance to enforce what Rahulji just said.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh having returned from the US was quick to applaud Mr. Gandhi’s bold move and praise his vision. The PMO tweeted this on the PM’s behalf – “Too many ppl hv bad hndwriting. Gr8 move! Will be hppy 2 b Rahulji’s driver’s driver’s maid’s gardener in his new role!”

my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/03/rahul-gandhis-highest-ambition-revealed-minister-for-cursive-writing/

Congress spokespersons in “Thesaurus” mode to justify Rahul Gandhi’s ordinance outburst

Ever noticed how the vocabulary of political party spokespersons gets heavier when they have to justify a wrong?

Satire.

 

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/03/congress-puts-spokespersons-in-thesaurus-mode-to-justify-rahul-gandhis-ordinance-outburst/

Congress launches anti-anxiety pills for leaders afraid of Rahul barging into meetings

Nonsense that Mr. Gandhi would tear and throw away. Satire.


http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/30/congress-launches-anti-anxiety-pills-for-leaders-afraid-of-rahul-barging-into-meetings/