January 26, 2014

Image makeover firm’s presentation to Rahul Gandhi revealed

Mandatory Rahul Gandhi satire for the weekend.
A leaked presentation from one of the PR company executives handling Rahul Gandhi’s makeover has managed to find its way into the hands of this Faking News reporter.
The all new Rahul.
The all new Rahul.
The document seemed to be a list of “Do’s” and “Don’ts” for Mr. Gandhi. The document had 12 pointers for Mr. Gandhi which read as below:
1.       Watch Modi’s speeches for 2 hours everyday.
2.       Narendra Modi, not Lalit Modi.
3.       End speeches by shouting loudly
4.       Make fewer references to mummy, papa and dadee
5.       Wear spectacles. They make you look more intelligent than you are.
6.       DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, get caught drinking tea in public. Especially, avoid getting photographed with tea vendors.
7.       Start wrapping a grey muffler around your head and coughing intermittently.
8.       Try to stop reading new things. You end up using new terms (eg: ‘escape velocity’, ‘beehive’, etc.) you learn in speeches and then become fodder for Faking News.
9.       Poverty is not a state of mind or a self confidence issue. Period.
10.   You are too rich to understand point 9. I get paid Rs. 30000 a month for making documents like this whereas the left lens of your spectacles costs Rs. 30000. Damnit, you spent Rs. 500 Crore to get documents like this sent to you.
11.   Keep making intermittent comments against corruption. However, avoid bringing up your brother-in-law’s name.
12.   DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, assume Faking News is a real website.

Book Review: The Sanjay Story by Vinod Mehta

They say reading history helps one understand the present and pre-empt the future. Vinod Mehta’s The Sanjay Story, a biography of Sanjay Gandhi, is one such book. 

Frank and fearless, Vinod Mehta tells the story of Sanjay Gandhi the way it was. With all his thievery, his inherent dumbness, the formulas of corruption the young Gandhi scion divined to milk Maruti (and fill the Gandhi family’s personal coffers), etc. Sanjay Gandhi’s life is laid bare as it deserved. 

But the book is essential reading not just for the way it tears up the facade around Sanjay but the similarities between the Congress of the 80’s and the Congress of the day. Mehta chronicles how several senior Congress stalwarts were forced to bow before Sanjay just as Congress’s yes-men do today before Rahul Gandhi. Similar to Rahul, Sanjay was drummed up as a youth icon with guidelines and diktats issued to Doordarshan’s senior officials to ensure that Sanjay’s visits made up a significant chunk of the news. What’s more, the best part of the book is where one of Sanjay’s interviews is chronicled, almost word for word. Read the interview and the absolute lack of intellect, the one line answers, the I don’t know’s can only remind you of one man in the present generation… the Gandhi scion of the day.

Read the book to understand how deeply corrupt the Congress is… both in devising ways to drain the nation and in ensuring a Gandhi stays at the forefront, no matter what. Read it to understand where Rahul Gandhi gets his "pappu" genes from.

Read it to understand what a terrible tragedy Rahul Gandhi will be for this nation, if and when he becomes Prime Minister.

January 23, 2014

Where the AAP shall fail

There are several political commentators who are earning their daily bread nowadays by singing either paeans of praise or by throwing brickbats at the Aam Admi Party. There is a fervor in a large section of India that reminds one of the revolutions orchestrated by Bhagat Singh & Co, Mahatma Gandhi, the heady Babri Masjid days, etc. Never has a muffler and a cough struck more terror in the hearts of politicians than it has now.

I will allow the marketers to comment and revel in how Kejriwal has gotten his marketing strategy cent per cent right. First, he has captured the blue ocean plank of anti corruption- a plank that no other party in India can lay claim on. Second, by using brand symbols such as the jhadoo and the common man topi, if by nothing else but sheer symbolism, Kejriwal has come to match Gandhi in his use of the charkha and the loincloth as symbols of his revolution. For that, I must congratulate the AAP and its multiple media advisors.

However, as the movement transitions into government, it quickly disintegrates into rot and decay as has every other revolution in this country. Even the Congress was once a revolution to overthrow the British (a rather moderate mediocre revolution but for Gandhi; for a long period, Congress’ role and vision was to simply co-exist with the Britishers)… and look where it is today. The rot in Congress can be aptly summed up in one unfortunate brand symbol. Robert Vadra’s greased palm.

But again, this has been spoken of too; so I will move on to talking about something that I have come to notice about the nature of revolutionaries. Revolutionaries (in India at least) are men of the people. Populists. Which means that they will, put people or the idea of benefitting the people or better put- the public image of benefitting people, before the long term vision of welfare of a nation. 

Sample Bhagat Singh. Great revolutionary, incredibly sharp and undoubtedly a Kejriwal of the pre-independence era, Bhagat Singh’s dream was to set up a socialist party if & when he and his band of revolutionaries were to wrest control from the British government. Sample Gandhi or Nehru too then, who having wrested control from the Britishers, chose socialism over capitalism, thus condemning three fourths of this country to poverty, for decades. A scenario which changed only when an economic crisis forced the government’s hand in 1991.

The point is- every political party in India has realized that populism is a sure-fire way to win votes. And even neo revolutionary parties like the AAP will find it hard not to lean towards populism. And sample their first moves in power- subsidizing electricity bills, water bills, getting policemen suspended… everything as populist as Arvind’s aam admi topi

A revolution enchants people and when it ends, to continue that charm and enchantment, it requires the crutch of populism. Which the AAP is slowly turning towards. 

Let’s hope the clutch of corporate honchos joining the party can change Arvind’s mind. Otherwise the AAP will turn out to be another Congress in ten years.

A government’s only real job is to build roads; by roads, I mean power lines, water canals, highways and other associated infrastructure. And then sit back and let people build their own lives. Not give people a massive dole to sit at home and do nothing as the MNREGA does. 

So even though Mr. Kejriwal might be pure in his intentions, the only way his revolution can retain its lustre is for the AAP to stop being for the people. It needs to be for the nation.

January 22, 2014

Book Review: Born Standing Up by Steve Martin

Steve Martin, the perennially white haired Peter Pan who charmed us with his role in The father of the bride, was a stand-up comedian, long before he took to acting. This book is a chronicle of Martin’s years as a stand-up comic.

The book is one of those rare gems that somehow get hidden underneath the deluge of books the publishing industry throws up every year. When I began reading the book, considering that it was by renowned funnyman Martin, all I expected to get in return was a laugh or two. But what Mr. Martin so effortlessly did, instead, was to surprise me with his wit and the science behind his comedy.

Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of the book that had me in splits. But what mesmerized me completely were parts like the one where Martin explained how he made people laugh with pieces that were so absolutely unfunny. All he had to do build up tension- as he says in the book- and then having denied people the release of laughter (with a traditional comedian’s punchline), he would ensure that people found his performance funny throughout. It was so incredibly brilliant yet effortlessly simple a method of comedy that I was in awe.

Incredibly witty, self deprecating and poignant in parts, Born Standing Up was not the sweet aerated drink I had expected it to be.

Instead, it was the finest of aged wines. Highly recommended.

January 21, 2014

Man actually has a year of bad luck after forgetting to forward chain email

Dedicated to all those mindless email chains forwarded to me.

Delhi: Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working in Gurgaon but settled in Delhi, has become the first documented case of someone suffering from continuous bad luck after he forgot to forward a chain email to ten of his friends and say ‘Hari Om’.

“Ever since I forgot to forward this email to ten of my friends, I have been suffering from bad luck, virtually every single day,” Tadapit said in an interview with this reporter. “I have been getting huge jams at the Gurgaon toll every day, my father who was a Congress MLA lost in the elections and my annual appraisal has been terrible. In fact, even the Maruti Alto I bought has been giving an on-road mileage of twenty kilometres to the litre versus the advertised mileage of twenty six. Clearly something is afoot!”

When pointed out that most of these things were natural occurrences that could have occurred regardless of him having forgotten to forward the email in question, Tadapit laughed and said, “My corporate life has taught me that one has to document conversations on email to get things moving… and here you have this email where someone has documented bad luck. If it is documented, it has to happen!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/01/21/man-actually-has-a-year-of-bad-luck-after-forgetting-to-forward-chain-email/

UN takes suomoto cognizance of Bharat Nirman ads; recognizes India as a developed country

If only the Congress had done as much work in developing the country as it does in trying to market its meager achievements.

Satire.

After the latest round of Bharat Nirman ads aired on TV,the United Nations has decided to award India with the tag of “developed nation”. The move was confirmed by United Nations General Secretary Ban Ka Choom in a press release today.

“I just saw India’s latest Bharat Nirman advertisements playing on Television here in the US. To be honest, I haven’t seen such empty traffic free roads- as they have shown in the ads- even in New York City,” Mr. Choom said. “So clearly India must be more developed than the most developed country in the world.”

“So, the United Nations hascome to a conclusion that India is in fact far too well developed,” Mr. Choom said. “So we are going to stop all the support programs and withdraw all the funding India was getting on account of being a developing country.”

“In fact, we believe India must be overflowing with funds and resources if the government can afford to spend public money on these advertisements,” Choom added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/01/21/un-takes-suo-moto-cognizance-of-bharat-nirman-ads-recognizes-india-as-a-developed-country/

January 20, 2014

Book Review: The Siege by Scott- Clark and Levy

'The Siege' is a book on the 26/11 terror attacks in Mumbai, focused almost entirely on the Taj Hotel, by career journalists Adrian Levy and Catherine Scott-Clark. The duo happen to be married and are co-authors of an impressive array of investigative journalism style books on terrorism.

While reading the book, it is easy to forget that the book is fact and not fiction. Told from the viewpoints of multiple survivors- all of whom have remarkable tales of bravery, sacrifice and/ or good fortune to recount- the book is simply un-put-down-able.

The book reminded me of Hussain Zaidi's extensive work on the underworld in its style and pace of storytelling. For the uninitiated, Zaidi is a renowned crime reporter- author of incredibly well written (and researched) books such as Black Friday and Mafia Queens of Mumbai. It came as a pleasant surprise to me that   the authors had actually taken Zaidi’s help to research the book (and he had taken theirs’ to finish up Headley & I.)

I must also admit that this book terrified me more than the actual moving images I saw on the news or in the multiple documentaries made on the 26/11 attacks. At every moment in the book, I felt that I was either the protagonist in a particular chapter or at the very least, sitting beside him or her- commiserating with the person in his or her terror.

Must read.

Husband divorces wife for getting along with mother-in-law

Dedicated to the saas-bahu serial industry.

Indore: A software engineer based in Indore has become the first man in India to divorce his wife for getting along too well with his own mother.

“It was just so disappointing,” Tadapit Kumar, the man, said in an interview with this reporter. “All these TV serials I grew up on,showed mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws fighting and scheming all the time. To be honest, when I got married, I was expecting some of this drama in my own house. But it never materialized,” he said, with a shudder of disappointment passing through his body.

“They got along so well,” Mr. Kumar said, “that even when I planted circumstantial evidence that my wife was poisoning my mother, my mother refused to believe it.”

“She said bahu ke haath ka zeher bhi amrit hota hai,” he added, shaking his head in disappointment. “What choice did I have? All I wanted was a normal family where my mother and wife did not get along, just as in those countless TV serials. Is that asking for too much?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/01/20/husband-divorces-wife-for-getting-along-with-mother-in-law/

January 19, 2014

Book Review: Heat and Dust by Ruth Prawer Jhabwala



I must say I have not read too many Booker Prize winning books. In fact, not more than one. The only Booker Prize winning book I have ever read is Arundhati Roy’s ‘God of small things’ which blew my mind away. That book was a Booker and a half, and then some more.

I was drawn into Jhabwala’s world with a mesmerizingly beautiful movie called ‘The Householder’. Starring Shashi Kapoor, this black and white movie made in 1963 is beautifully timeless yet sepia toned in a way that left me nostalgic, even though it was released two decades before I entered this world. A simple tale told beautifully, penned by Jhabwala. It was the Delhi of old depicted in the movie, when Mehrauli was still forest and trees, and the simple yet enrapturing plot of the movie which drew my attention to the existence of this author.

And you would think- what better book to start reading an author off with than one that won the Booker? Well, you would have thought wrong. ‘Heat and Dust’ is disappointingly underwhelming. The characters have no arc- the reader never understands why Olivia does the things she does, except getting a vague idea. The character of the narrator is even more mystifying in the ways she behaves and her casual sexual dalliances and her life choices are at utmost odds with her keen display of intellect.

The character of the Nawab is the most beautifully etched out and I must say while reading, one almost looks forward to the sections where the Nawab is to appear. He was one character that one can almost see and feel while reading the book and credit must be given to Jhabwala for inventing (or keenly observing and thereafter chronicling) such a colorful character. Not only do the Nawab’s conversations entertain guests within the book, his appearance is a breath of fresh air in what is largely a literary bore.

What saved the book for me, aside from the Nawab, was the subtle poetry Jhabwala effortlessly imbues in her writing. I just wish she had made half as much effort with her plot.

January 18, 2014

Book Review: The Middleman by Sankar



Men, authors, books come and go and yet our country remains filled with angst ridden youth. Sankar’s Middleman is a Bengali novel translated to English and even though it chronicles the life of an unemployed young man in 1970’s Calcutta (as it was called then), it could well have been set in 2014 in any of our country’s cities.

Somnath Bannerjee is a young man who was average at studies in 70’s Calcutta and is thus, unemployed as of date in the book, even though he has been looking for a job for two years. The novel slowly draws you into Somnath Bannerjee’s world as he queues up outside employment exchanges, tries to game the job system, tries to keep up with the love of his life and finally descends into the darkness of being a ‘dalaal’.

Effortlessly beautiful, I found reading the novel almost soul cleansing. Somehow, the quiet sadness of the novel made me want to get up from my airplane seat (I finished this book in a two hour flight journey) and scream on behalf of Somnath. 

The kicker in the book is when Sankar reveals in his author’s note how two young men, having read his novel, came up to him and asked him to introduce them to one of Somnath’s fictional relatives having a job abroad- in the book. And when Sankar tells them that no such person exists, the young men refused to believe him.

Beautifully poignant.