MPs to link Swiss bank accounts with their Aadhar cards

22nd post on Faking News. 

An empowered Group of Ministers recently passed a resolution allowing Members of Parliament in both houses to link their Swiss bank accounts directly with their Aadhar cards. This would allow amounts from important business transactions to be credited directly to their offshore accounts.


“We are facing a huge backlash from politicians and bureaucrats with this direct benefit transfer scheme,” a senior minister said on condition of anonymity. “So we decided to allow their benefits to also be transferred directly to their accounts. After all, it was Rajiv Gandhiji’s dream that out of every 1 Rupee, 85 paise go to hardworking brokers, middlemen, politicians, government officials, etc.”

When this reporter pointed out that Mr. Gandhi’s so called “dream” was actually the opposite- that these 85 paise going waste be saved- the minister laughed. “Absolutely not!” he exclaimed, still laughing. “These middlemen, as you call them, actually add tremendous value to the country’s economy. Look at Vadraji- he was able to locate a piece of land, buy it dirt cheap without paying any money and then sell it to DLF at a profit of about 40 crores. Look how he added 40 crores to the country’s GDP with his tremendous entrepreneurship and vision!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/25/mps-to-link-swiss-bank-accounts-with-their-aadhar-cards/

The Viva

This is a repost... but it defines my cynicism quite well. Always makes me smile.

Original Post Date: Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Another one from the good ol’ engineering days… If my memory serves me right, the external examiner was Irfan- a - who thought he was God because he was doing an MTech.

I remember myself before my first viva-voce in college. I was shaking like a leaf. Poring over notes, books, even old FIITJEE notes. Racking people's brains for questions/ answers/ inside stuff on the examiner. Making improbable promises to the Almighty ("I will go to the temple everyday if I get good marks....")

Today I hardly care.

The viva has become, like many other things, a source of great amusement for me. I usually donate one (sometimes two) hours of my time to preparation. But more the degree of my unpreparedness, greater is my amusement (sadly at my own cost).

Sample this:-

Examiner: Is poly aniline more conducting or poly ortho toluidene?

God only knows. None of the girls in the class knew the answer to this expected question but most had their favorite (with supporting texts from Morrison- Boyd or Solomon to back up their choice). As the girls did not know for sure, I was helpless. (My preparation for viva = a lecture by any member of the female species or dearest Ankit Sharma)

Me: Poly aniline

Examiner: Sure?

Me: Yes sir.

Examiner: Hmmm....Poly aniline. Polyaniline. (At this point I realized he just liked to say that word aloud). Poly aniline....polyaniline. Sure?

Me: Yes sir.

Examiner: Polyaniline. Are you confident?

Me: (exasperated by this mind game) Yes.

Examiner: Polyaniline. Polyaniline. Couldn't it be ortho toluidene?

Me: Ok.

Examiner: What? Why o-toluidene?

Me: (sic) Sir, aap itni baar poochh rahe ho to toluidene hi hoga...

"Rajeev Gandhi Face Yojna" as solution to all economic problems

Dedicated to the pointless full page ads with the much dead Rajeev Gandhi's face. Satire.
 
Speaking from outside the Parliament, the Finance Minister P. Chidambaram revealed that the UPA government had adopted the strategy of releasing more Rajeev Gandhi ads to solve the self confidence issue plaguing the Indian economy, Rupee, fiscal deficit, current account deficit, inflation numbers, industrial production, etc. “Mr. Rajeev Gandhi’s face is so bright and full of happiness,” Chidambaram said smiling merrily like a man whose bills are paid for by the Indian taxpayer and to whom inflation is just a number. “How can such a nice smile not solve all the problems of the common man?” he added.

Pointing to the day’s newspaper he said, “This has Mr. Rajeev Gandhi’s smiling face five times. Each smile is meant for each problem facing the economy- namely slow growth, inflation, current account deficit and two more which I cannot remember at the moment because I am so bedazzled by his smile. Our message to the Indian people is basically- don’t worry about your finances because clearly all of us here are smiling and absolutely not worried at all.”

“I do not know what wastefulness you are talking of,” he said reacting to a question on wasteful media expenditure from this Faking News reporter. “This smile shall remind people that they can get cheap food under the Food Security Bill and give them the self confidence skills to claim it.” When questioned about India’s large middle class who had no access to the cheaper foodgrains or other similar government generosities, the minister reacted sharply, “Inflation has been 10% in India for my entire reign. All middle class has to be poor now; if not I would be really worried and we would have changed Rajeev Gandhi’s smile to a frown in the ads.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/20/rajiv-gandhi-face-yojna-as-solution-to-all-economic-problems/

To save the Rupee, Manmohan Singh to change color of turban

Satire.

The Finance Minister P. Chidambaram has revealed that among the slew of drastic steps announced to shore up the Rupee, one critical measure that had missed public attention was the fact that the Prime Minister would start wearing a differently colored turban from the light blue one we have been seeing him in for almost ten years now.

“Foreigners have stopped investing in this country because they think our economic growth is so poor that the Prime Minister has not been able to buy a new turban for ten years,” Mr. Chidambaram said. ”Also, as Rahul baba was right to point out in one of his speeches, the Rupee, like poor people, just needs some self confidence and a brightly colored turban will provide it that.”

When quizzed on the fact that Rahul Gandhi himself was most likely contributing to the slide of the Rupee with his foreign vacations by buying dollars, Mr. Chidambaram retorted, “Nonsense! Rahul baba himself never pays for anything abroad in dollars. The whole thing is arranged as an elaborate kickback with some helicopter making firm or real estate developer.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/18/to-save-the-rupee-manmohan-singh-to-change-color-of-turban/

The thing about the young

There is one image I cannot get out of my head. There is this scene in a movie called 'Fukrey' where the hero (Pulkit Samrat) jumps over walls and buildings, whilst running on rooftops, to reach his love interest. In many ways, the scene was definitive of the point I have been trying to make in my head for a few months now.

The youth of the day know exactly what they want and they want it not next year, next month or tomorrow but here, now- right now. It is a level of self assuredness about important life decisions that frankly scares me. This self assuredness is born not just from an extremely easy access to information thanks to internet & mobile phones but also because in his own mind, every young person I come across today is a celebrity in his own little world. He has his world on Facebook and on Twitter and Blogger, etcetera and that feeling of achievement, of assuredness- of knowing exactly what they want to do, born out of being mini social celebrities- is incredible. 

I am only 26 but I think I missed this generation by a year or maybe a few months or a bad gene because I can now see this generational chasm between me and the youth of the day as wide as the gap between the buildings Pulkit so effortlessly jumps across. Frighteningly, I do not think a lot of organizations, politicians or brands are awake to this. This target audience requires you to be faster, smarter, almost pre-emptive: anything less than that and they are done with you.

I have unfortunately not had the opportunity to work for brands that actually target people like Mr. Samrat but if I did, I would be very very excited and also very very scared. There are a few brands that do understand this. I was lucky to attend a presentation by the global marketing head of Coke who spoke a few words in the general direction of this phenomenon in the US and how the mission of Coke had changed from making the youth idolize celebs to facilitating the youth be celebs in their own online and offline social circles. And I found that really refreshing. Finally someone gets it.

Or maybe a lot of people already do and I am just one of the laggards who has latched on to this phenomenon. But I cannot wipe that scene out of my mind- the self assured almost cocky gait of our young hero jumping across buildings, unmindful of his safety, focused just on getting what he wants. 

Maybe writing a blog post about it will help.

Government transfers influenza virus after Robert Vadra gets flu

Down with the flu myself. Couldn't resist taking Raaaabert down with me. On Faking News.

Delhi: The Ministry for Personnel has decided to transfer the influenza virus after Robert Vadra, the son-in-law-in-chief of India, got sick with the flu. The illness in question developed after Mr. Vadra consumed some crushed ice golas without paying anything for them.

“It is good no?” Rahul Gandhi, brother-in-law of the nation’s son-in-law said, “This way fewer people will fall sick.” When this Faking News Reporter pointed out that the move seemed to be something of a farce, Mr. Gandhi replied, “No no no… This is as important as Pakistan not granting us Most Favored Nation status. It is absolutely not a farce.” After appearing lost in his thoughts for some time, Mr. Gandhi added, “We are not just transferring the virus. We will give it self confidence and anger management classes too.”

Speaking to a bunch of reporters on the issue, Manmohan Singh- in charge of the Ministry for Personnel- sneezed. The Prime Minister’s office was quick to tag the sneeze as a speech and refute rumors that the Prime Minister was silent on the issue.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/14/government-transfers-influenza-virus-after-robert-vadra-gets-flu/

UPA govt to grant separate state to Robert Vadra for land scams

Dedicated to the honesty of Ashok Khemka. On Faking News.

An inside source within the Congress party has revealed that the UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has written a letter to the Prime Minister’s Office requesting creation of a separate state for her son-in-law. The proposed move is intended to help Mr. Vadra to grab land at dirt cheap rates and resell it later at exorbitant rates to property developers. Additionally, Madam Gandhi has requested in her letter that the newly carved state have no IAS officers or other officers of the bureaucracy, to allow the transactions to go through smoothly.

The letter appears to have come in response to Ashok Khemka presenting a 100 page report detailing the murky dealings between Mr. Robert Vadra and DLF. Speaking to this Faking News reporter on condition of anonymity, the source said, “Even a Chetan Bhagat book has more pages. What can Mr. Khemka prove in 100 pages that our government can’t deny, disprove or pass an ordinance quickly to justify retroactively?”

Mr. Vadra was unavailable for comment. However Rahul Gandhi, the Youth Congress head, refused to confirm or deny the development but did make a trademark meaningless statement. “All states are a state of mind,” he said enigmatically.

my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/14/government-transfers-influenza-virus-after-robert-vadra-gets-flu/

Disgruntled IIPM ex-student steals Arindam Chaudhari’s ponytail

Inspired by the full page ads... up on Faking News.

Delhi: Sources within the IIPM have revealed that a disgruntled ex-student of the institute called Rakesh Juneja has stolen Arindam Chaudhari’s ponytail.

After the incident, Mr. Chaudhari was said to be depressed & suicidal and was rumored to be murmuring “Oh my precious… my precious” at intermittent intervals while meandering through the halls of IIPM Delhi.
When contacted, Rakesh Juneja- an IIPM passout of 2012- accepted that he had cut off and stolen the ponytail. “Yes I stole it,” he said angrily. “But Mr. Chaudhari stole my future prospects! I turned down calls from IIM Indore & Lucknow to join IIPM after seeing one of his full page color ads which asked me to think beyond the IIMs. But now whenever I go to interviews, recruiters just look at the ‘IIPM’ word on my CV and laugh.”

A spokesperson for IIPM had this to say. “The entire economy’s bad. How is it our fault that Mr. Juneja did not get placed? He should steal Manmohan Singh’s spectacles if he cannot get a job! At least, Mr. Juneja got a free laptop and foreign tour out of his MBA; which institute can give you that?” Talking about the relevance of the ponytail to Mr. Chaudhari’s life he said, “It is extremely critical for us to retrieve the ponytail. It is one of Mr. Chaudhari’s Horcruxes.” However, the spokesperson refused to reveal Mr. Chaudhari’s other Horcruxes fearing that other enterprising ex IIPM students might find a way to destroy him.

The ponytail in question has been put up for sale by Mr. Juneja on ebay for a reserve price of fifteen lakhs- his entire IIPM fees.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/12/disgruntled-iipm-ex-student-steals-arindam-chaudharis-ponytail/

Demand for large pothole to be named India’s 30th state

Dedicated to Telangana. Satire.

In the aftermath of Telengana being named India’s 29^th state, demands for statehood have cropped up in various parts of the country, ranging from Bodoland to Gorkhaland to Amethi to a pothole in a South Delhi colony. Digvijaya Singh, Congress’ jester-in-chief, added fat to the fire by saying, “Yes yes… India should have more states. Before independence we had hundreds of these smaller states ruled by kings. At the very least it should be a round number. Twenty nine somehow just seems wrong.”

Protesters leading the demand for new states revealed that they were bored with their mundane lives and desperately wanted to go through, once more, the rigmarole of having to get fresh driving licenses, PAN Cards, Aadhar Cards, etc. issued with the name of a new state on them. Most of them felt that getting a new state would magically solve all their problems; it would stem the rise in fuel prices, give them access to pesticide free mid day meals and give them plate fulls of food for Rs. 12.

Residents of the Vasant Vihar Block- A-2 RWA Samiti held a dharna outside UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi’s residence demanding statehood for a large pothole at the entrance to their colony.

“The pothole has been here since my childhood,” said Rahmat Khan, a resident of the Vasant Vihar Colony, tears welling up in my eyes. “It has outlived many BJP and Congress Councilors. It is a landmark everyone knows our area by. It is the sole reason our colony has flourished- all our automobile repair shops and nursing homes do brisk business all year round.”

Sonia Gandhi, in turn, reacted to the development by writing a letter to the Prime Minister that contained the words “Yo wassup?” The PMO is known to have replied, “Nothing much. Chilling.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/04/demand-for-large-pothole-to-be-named-indias-30th-state/

Delhi Government to create several mini jams to avoid major traffic jams

Written after a particularly frustrating traffic jam almost right outside my gate. Up on Faking News.

In a bid to avoid arterial roads from getting gridlocked during monsoons, the Delhi government has decided to preempt major traffic jams by bringing minor traffic jams literally to your doorstep.

Speaking to this Faking News reporter, Ms. Sheila Dikshit said, “Yes, it’s true. There are too many traffic jams during monsoon rains and I end up missing my spa appointments, because the roads are so badly gridlocked that the police cannot even block traffic for VIP movement.”

The move will see traffic police putting up huge barricades on smaller connecting roads, service roads, streets leading to houses & colonies, etc. to create minor traffic jams on non arterial roads. As per Ms. Dikshit, “We lucked upon the idea when during a particular bad spell of rains, potholes and water logging on colony roads and streets actually cleared up traffic on arterial roads.” However, she was quick to point out that the traffic situation in the city was not her responsibility (similar to women’s safety, the power situation or the state of roads) and it came under the realm of the Traffic Police who reported to the Mayor or the Lt. Governor or the Queen of England but “definitely not me.”

The project, per Ms. Dikshit, would be called “Rajeev Gandhi Traffic Jam Yojna”. When questioned on the logic of naming such a project after a Gandhi, she said, “Naming a project after Rajeev Gandhi makes it justifiable for crores of rupees to go down the drain. No one even raises a finger then; they think- scam hua to kya hua, naam mein hee Rajeev Gandhi hai.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/05/delhi-government-to-create-several-mini-jams-to-avoid-major-traffic-jams/