Book Review: Romancing with Life by Dev Anand

Brought to you by the same mind that brought you crass such as “Mr. Prime Minister”, “Censor”, “Love in Times Square”, etc. Dev Anand’s autobiography- Romancing with Life- is a hodgepodge, below par literary effort, mostly overflowing with Mr. Anand’s barely concealed lust for women. When I started reading the book, I expected to come across filmy anecdotes- to be transported to the world of cinema my parents had seen and grown up with. Instead I had to contend with the ramblings of a mind ranging from infantile to senile.

If I read the signs correctly, 'Romancing with Life' is more of a chronicle of Dev Anand’s love affairs than anything else. It is hard to believe the string of women he describes (in great detail) as being buxom or curvy or dressed in such and such way, were not the objects of his desire, romance or lust. There are a few strong points in the book though- parts where Dev Anand actually talks about the era gone by; one of the best points in the book is when he, Dilip Kumar and Raj Kumar meet Jawahar Lal Nehru. In any other book, this would have been a drab boring literary piece; but the rest of the book was so bad that in comparison, this meeting stood out.

Only in one section does Dev Anand admit his extramarital “feelings”; in this section, Zeenat Aman becomes the object of his desire and affection and Mr. Anand admits that he was about to profess his love to her, when fate stepped in.

Take my advice; avoid Dev Anand’s ramblings. Read Saadat Hasan Manto’s 'Stars from another sky' instead.

Rahul labels Modi “monster”; engineers start sending CVs to Modi thinking he runs Monster.com

Satire.

Bangalore: After Rahul Gandhi, poll campaign chief of the Congress, labelled Narendra Modi a “monster” in a mega rally in India’s information technology hub, Bangalore, today, this had an unexpected reaction on the mostly engineering employee population of the city.

Mistaking Mr. Gandhi’s words to be true, the engineers presumed that Narendra Modi was the man behind Monster.com and began sending their CVs to him, in hope of better, higher paying jobs.

“Monster meaning Monster.com, no?” a software engineer called Tadapit Kumar, who has been on the bench for three and a half years asked this reporter, with hope in his eyes. “A lot of us Infosysites have sent our CVs to Modiji… if he runs Monster.com, he can hopefully get us something better than this pointless existence at negligible pay.”

“They all made the mistake of taking Mr. Gandhi seriously,” Kapil Sibal said, defending Rahul Gandhi. “The first lesson we learnt when Rahulji joined the party was to not take him seriously. In fact, people should not take any of us seriously at all… that’s what differentiates us from BJP’s kattar soch.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/27/rahul-labels-modi-monster-engineers-start-sending-cvs-to-modi-thinking-he-runs-monster-com/

Unable to crush media, Shinde crushes other things to take out frustration

Inspired by the serial goof-ster's "media crushing" remark.

 

Confused by malfunctioning Google Maps, AAP supporter enters wrong protest marches; continues to protest

 Oh Arvind... the inevitable fall from grace... from being the stuff of headlines to being the stuff of satire.

Jantar Mantar, New Delhi: An Aam Admee volunteer recently made the headlines after being photographed protesting in three separate protest marches. The man in question had apparently purchased a new smartphone and had gotten thrown off track by the malfunctioning Google Maps on his phone, thereby entering three protests- none of which were organized by his party. The volunteer in question- called Tadapit Kumar- works as a software engineer when not protesting or dharna-ing.

“I had come to Jantar Mantar to protest against the role of Mukesh Ambani in ensuring BJP/ Congress governments remain corrupt and had driven to the location based on a Google Maps link sent to me by my friend on Whatsapp,” Tadapit said. “But there were so many protests going on together that I entered the wrong protest, not once but three times. The first time, I joined protests for a free Tibet, the second time I joined a protest march by Delhi state Congress against the anarchy of the Aam Admee Party and the third one I joined was not a protest but just a group of very drunk boisterous Punjabi men, who were shouting incomprehensible things. By the time I found our party’s protest against the Ambani- political party nexus, everybody had gone home and all that was left was Arvind Kejriwal telling me that we had won a moral victory.”

“Arvindji has assured me tomorrow we will protest against Google and Whatsapp,” Tadapit added, with a smile.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/26/confused-by-malfunctioning-google-maps-aap-supporter-enters-wrong-protest-marches-continues-to-protest/

MBA intern critical after trying to eat pie chart from a presentation

Powerpoint poisoning! Satire.

Mumbai: A B-Schooler interning for a consulting firm had to be admitted to a hospital after he allegedly tried to eat the pie chart from a presentation made by the CEO, mistaking it for real food.

The incident reportedly happened at the induction ceremony organized by the firm in question for the summer interns it had picked up from B-Schools across India.

“His name was Tadapit Kumar and he had joined us from one of the IIMs,” a senior HR executive in the firm said. “Apparently he had never seen a pie chart before in his life and thought it was real food. He leapt at the projector screen and started to chew it up.”

One of Tadapit’s fellow interns however, had a slightly different story to tell. “The CEO had been going on and on about the pie chart for hours on end,” the fellow intern said, on condition of anonymity. “I think it was more of a case of powerpoint poisoning… Tadapit merely leapt at the CEO with the mouth open so that he might shut up but ended up falling with his mouth open on the projector screen.”

“All of us were half asleep anyway,” the fellow intern added. “The incident woke most of us up. But two interns kept sleeping even after the incident.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/mba-intern-critical-after-trying-to-eat-pie-chart-from-a-presentation/

Rahul Gandhi takes “Harry Potter which character are you quiz” and finds he is Rahul Gandhi

Plausible.

New Delhi: In a recent development at 10 Janpath, Rahul Gandhi happened to take a Facebook Quiz to find out which character of the Harry Potter series he was and discovered that he was ‘Rahul Gandhi’.
The quiz in question had reportedly been forwarded to him by Kapil Sibal, who had himself taken the quiz to find out that he was ‘Wormtail’ the previous day. Needless to say, Mr. Gandhi was extremely disappointed with the ‘kattar soch’ of the Facebook Quiz app.

“Rahul Gandhiji took the quiz and found out he was Rahul Gandhiji,” Kapil Sibal said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “We are all very disappointed with Facebook’s way of working. What does a young emerging rising shining star types anti-corruption crusader have to do to find out which character of Harry Potter he is? This is shameless on Mark Zuckerberg’s part.”

“We are sure there is Narendra Modi’s hand in this,” Sibal added. “After all, he is the only one who has so many Facebook fan pages. Name one Rahul Gandhi fanpage on Facebook that is not full of his spoofs and jokes?”

 http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/24/rahul-gandhi-takes-harry-potter-which-character-are-you-quiz-and-finds-he-is-rahul-gandhi

Asked repeatedly to think “out of the box”, Management Trainee starts wearing cardboard box to office

Am on a Dilbert reading spree... couldn't resist getting inspired.


Mumbai: A Management Trainee recently became the talk of his consulting firm’s entire office floor, when he reported to work wearing a cardboard box for a shirt. Apparently, the trainee in question- a passout from a reputed B-School- had been told by his boss in his appraisal discussion to think “out of the box more often”.

“In the last 6 months since joining this firm, I have made 1123 excel spreadsheets and 517 powerpoint presentations,” Tadapit Kumar, the Management Trainee in the cardboard box suit said, when accosted by this Faking News reporter.

“I have had no personal life, hardly any time for a social life- barely enough for eating and sleeping. My girlfriend left me and my family now thinks I would have been better off in Yerwaada Jail… at least, there you get more holidays than in our consulting firm.”

“And at the end of it all, having done everything, all this backbreaking demeaning donkey work so that my boss could look good- even to the extent of carrying his printouts for him and taking his pet dog for its early morning urinating session,” said Mr. Tadapit passionately, “he gave me a shitty review and told me to think out of the box more. So I have started wearing this cardboard box shirt with a slit for my head. My body is in the box but my head- where all the thinking happens- is definitely out of the box.”

“Now we’ll see what happens,” he concluded. “Maybe, he’ll ask me to go back to thinking in the box.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/out-of-the-box-look/

With ban on ‘lal battis’, disgruntled VIPs to move around with ‘lal battis’ on their heads

 My sympathies with those that bought red beacons just before Supreme Court banned them... Paise waste ho gaye bicharon ke.

New Delhi: Pissed off by the Supreme Court’s diktat that only high dignitaries and those holding constitutional posts could use ‘lal battis’ (red beacons), several P’s (persons) who had earlier been using lal battis with gay abandon have been forced to take drastic measures.

Faking News has discovered that since they were no longer allowed to place the lal battis on their cars, several of these people have started placing the beacon on their own heads or on other things such as pet dogs.

“I had a lal batti on my Alto car earlier,” Tadapit Kumar, a junior level Grade six bureaucrat and erstwhile gardener of Sheila Dikshit said. “It used to get me out of all kinds of sticky situations and trouble with the cops. Also I could as good as park my car in the middle of the road with the lal batti on, in all kinds of no-parking zones.”

“I still have the lal batti,” Tadapit Kumar said, “so I am going to keep using it. These days I go to office with the lal batti on my head and make the trenh-trenh sounds that the batti used to make myself. One of my colleagues has affixed the lal batti to his dog and another to his pet cow.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/22/with-ban-on-lal-battis-disgruntled-vips-to-move-around-with-lal-battis-on-their-heads/

Inspired by Whatsapp buy, Indian government to try and sell IRCTC to Facebook as well

I think Indians would have wasted more time on IRCTC than Whatsapp.

Satire. 

Delhi: After getting wind of Facebook’s $19 billion acquisition of Whatsapp, P. Chidambaran, the Finance Minister of India, has issued a stern advisory to Facebook to buy off IRCTC as well if it wanted to continue its potentially lucrative businesses in India.

“We have extremely strong data backing us. The data that shows us that people waste several more hours on IRCTC website than on Whatsapp in India,” Chidambaram said, in an exclusive interview with this reporter. “So of course, it is a much better proposition for Facebook to buy.”

“If it comes to it, we will force them to buy IRCTC, by passing a cabinet note that logging into Facebook is a service and making Facebook pay service tax arrears for the last ten years it has been in India for every single login,” Chidambaram said, when quizzed about his action plan of going about it.

“This will help us kill two birds with one stone,” Chidambaram continued. “It will help our government reduce the Fiscal Deficit finally below 4.1% and also help us offload the management and running costs of IRCTC, which currently employs two full time employees, three chimpanzees and a cow.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/22/inspired-by-whatsapp-buy-indian-government-to-try-and-sell-irctc-to-facebook-as-well/

Kejriwal’s health deteriorates; doctor advises more dharnas

I am actually missing Kejriwal and his dharnas; news is so bland these days.

New Delhi: It has been reported that soon after quitting his post as the Chief Minister of Delhi, Arvind Kejriwal’s health has begun to deteriorate. It is reported that Mr. Kejriwal has been spending his days, wrapped in a muffler, coughing much more often- despite being under heavy medication. It was at this point that Mr. Kejriwal was taken to AIIMS by his Aam Admee Party colleagues.

“He was brought to my clinic and was coughing a lot,” Dr. Kumar, a senior doctor at AIIMS, said. “No amounts of antibiotics or anti-histamines were having any effect on him. We ran several diagnostic tests on him to figure out the issue.”

“Prima facie, we have diagnosed him with a serious case of dharna-it is,” the doctor added. “If he doesn’t do at least one dharna every week, he will keep coming down with ill health. In the worst case scenario, this can even be fatal for him.”

“The curious thing is all through the tests, Mr. Kejriwal kept saying ‘Yadavji ne survey karwaya hai, mere shareer mein kuchh adbhut ho raha hai’,” Dr. Kumar concluded, with a bewildered look on his face.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/22/kejriwals-health-deteriorates-doctor-advises-more-dharnas/

With AAP govt having quit, Delhi govt employees confused if they can start accepting bribes again

Satire.

New Delhi: With the Aam Admee Party having renounced power in Delhi, Delhi state government employees have gotten quite confused on the issue of accepting bribes. A key exclusion from this group were policemen, who were happy that their lives were now back to normal and had begun to reactivate their intricate bribery and extortion networks.

Faking News managed to reach out to a senior state government official who gave an interview on condition of anonymity. “I had made significant changes to my family’s lifestyle in the last 50 odd days,” the official said. “I had bought a Wagon R instead of a Mercedes S-class and also cancelled the European holiday one of our departmental contactors had booked for my family.”

“Mr. Kejriwal should have thought of us before quitting; at the very least, he should have announced a bribe policy for us,” the man added. “Even the public that approaches us is now confused whether to do a sting operation or not. I mean is the 1031 number even working now?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/17/with-aap-govt-having-quit-delhi-govt-employees-confused-if-they-can-start-accepting-bribes-again/

Colors to replace ‘Big Boss’ with Parliament proceedings next season

Sometimes LSTV is more entertaining than Colors.

Mumbai: After running seven successful seasons of the show Big Boss and propelling several faltering actors and pornstars to stardom, Colors- the TV channel that ran the recently concluded Big Boss 7- has decided to debunk the hit TV show.

Instead the channel will buy the rights to air Lok Sabha proceedings and play them in the same prime time 9 PM slot.

A kind of a Big Boss House

“We have junked the Big Boss format,” a senior executive for Colors said. “It is too expensive and you have to deal with all these no good stars who think they are the best thing that happened to mankind. Instead, politicians are free of cost and they provide guaranteed entertainment, everyday!”

“Instead we will now be playing proceedings from the Lok Sabha and other state assemblies instead,” the executive continued. “After all, Lok Sabha is far more entertaining what with the pepper spray incident, the Kejriwal quitting, etc. this is far more entertaining.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/17/colors-to-replace-big-boss-with-parliament-proceedings-next-season/

Arvind Kejriwal’s wife threatens to divorce him for frequent change of residence

Imagine the plight of Mrs. Kejriwal. Satire.

New Delhi: Arvind Kejriwal is reportedly having to deal with an in-house satyagraha after quitting as Delhi’s Chief Minister. The ex Delhi Chief Minister’s wife went on record, threatening to divorce him if he changed his residence, just one more time.

“First, we had started moving stuff to the five bedroom waala ghar which was apparently too big for an aam admee CM,” Mrs. Kejriwal said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “Now we got this house, where finally, I had only just finished unpacking all our stuff. And now I am supposed to pack again and unpack in our Kaushambi flat. Being supportive of his political career is one thing but becoming a nomad is another. Kabhi Parliament mein khana pahunchao toh kabhi dharne pe. I am just tired of all this.”

“It’s just too much,” she added bitterly. “Why can’t he be like normal politicians who don’t quit their posts or leave their residences for thirty plus years?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/15/arvind-kejriwals-wife-threatens-to-divorce-him-for-frequent-change-of-residence/

With AAP quitting, spam mails grow multifold as Somnath Bharti becomes jobless

Dedicated to Spam-nath Bharti. 

Delhi: The resignation of Arvind Kejriwal as Chief Minister had an unexpected side effect on Delhiites other than getting fresh entertainment off news channels. With the government out of business and AAP ministers left jobless, Mr. Somnath Bharti is reported to have taken recourse to a profession he is already familiar with: i.e. spamming people’ email inboxes.

“I have received 1100 spam emailers last night alone, just after Arvind Kejriwal quit as Delhi Chief Minister,” Tadapit Kumar, a businessman said. “I run an in-house business and email is the way my clients communicate with me. I was looking forward to spending Valentine’s Day evening with my girlfriend but had to cancel my date so that I could sort out genuine emails from the spam ones.”

“Only 2 out of the 1100 were emails relevant for me,” Tadapit added. “All the rest were sent by some Madgen Communication LLC.  Can Arvind Kejriwal, somehow, please keep Somnath Bharti fruitfully employed elsewhere?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/15/with-aap-quitting-spam-mails-grow-multifold-as-somnath-bharti-becomes-jobless/

After endorsing Mamta Bannerjee for PM Anna Hazare endorses Sunny Leone for her beauty

For an anti-corruption crusader, he is far too erratic. Satire.

Ralegaon Sidhi: A day after endorsing Mamta Bannerjee for the Prime Minister’s post and agreeing to campaign for her, Anna Hazare- the famous anti corruption crusader has begun to endorse other people for other jobs as well.

He endorsed Sunny Leone for being beautiful, Sanjay Bangar for being a good cricketer and Ram Gopal Verma for being a good filmmaker.

When quizzed about why he had endorsed all these people, Anna said that he had sent 17 suggestions to everyone, which he believed will do the nation good if implemented. All the people who replied are now being endorsed by him.

When asked about the rather contentious endorsement of Sunny Leone, Anna is believed to have said, “Haan haan unka kaam humne dekha hai. Jai Bharat!”

“He is in the endorsing frame of mind right now,” an Anna supporter said to this reporter, who was trying to rationalize this puzzling move. “Jaldee se apna kuchh bhi samaan le aao… Annajee endorse kar denge.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/15/after-endorsing-mamta-bannerjee-for-pm-anna-hazare-endorses-sunny-leone-for-her-beauty/

The View

As I stood on the balcony of a flat my parents were thinking of buying, my gaze fell upon these three girls in the distance. Now this was at best a semi- urban locality (we can’t afford anything urban) yet there were cars around- the same cars you & me drive and more to the point, these three girls looked like any other three girls I might have seen anywhere in Delhi. They were carrying notebooks- all of them and two of them held books that looked familiar- books I might have purchased whilst starting my preparation for IITJEE in 11th standard. I never actually read anything beyond the preface in either of them because that was sadly, the most interesting thing about them. You see the sad part about preparing for IIT was that none of the theory told a story- the prefaces did, which is why I will have read only the prefaces of most of the prep books. But don’t tell my mom I did that or hid Archies Comics in my Resnick & Halladay – she would be heartbroken.

Before I allow myself to digress any further, let’s get back to the story of the three girls (which isn’t much of a story, actually). Thing is seeing them carry these books, no doubt to the nearest tuition center, made me sick to the pit of my stomach. It reminded me that here I was- the ultimate fraud- no good at anything, having lived- having achieved what these girls were carrying Resnicks & Morrisons & worry laden expressions to achieve and having never gone beyond the preface of any serious theory book- having hardly studied for any of my exams at all. And this was metaphorical; me- undeserving with no books- no worries, standing above looking down upon those with both, yet those who had nothing. One of nature’s truest cruelties.

Thus, I pity those I met who pride in themselves for having cracked the best company on campus or CAT or for being a Stephanian or a DPSite. As a certain Prof. Singla (FMS) and before him, an even more certain Prof. Anand (FMS) said, “You are here only because somebody somewhere somehow made a mistake.” I wish people didn’t wear pride on their sleeves but carried it deep underneath- a weapon to be used at the last resort. I cracked two of the tougher exams in this country- but if I used that and largely that to define myself, I will have lived a hollow life, won’t I?

Reservations: An Insider’s perspective

I have always had reservations about reservations. On the other hand, a number of my good friends are quota- beneficiaries. But that doesn’t make reservations go away.

I still tease my mother for not marrying a scheduled caste or tribe or muslim or OBC or kashmiri pandit or even Sikh. She had to go on and marry an upper caste Brahmin, leaving me bereft of all quota advantages. There was nothing called “family planning” in those days perhaps…

Having had the benefit of hearing both sides of the argument and reading about it extensively, I have formed my own moderate opinion. True, I am aggressive person and ergo, my first impulse is that quotas in any shape or size must be done away with. The true cause of OBC/ SC/ ST backwardness is the poor primary education system in our country. According to statistics, only 1% of all girls in rural India complete their education upto twelfth standard.

50% reservation in all institutions of higher learning is a staggering figure. The SC- ST experiment has shown has that merit suffers in the face of reservations. Throwing 50% of our premier college seats to the one-eyed amongst the blind is intellectual suicide.

True these classes are oppressed, discriminated against, but not necessarily deprived. The issue (as most anti-quota organizations will put it) is of deprivation versus discrimination. The question thus, is do you offer admission to a person who has been discriminated against or to a person who is deprived in any possible way (physically or economically)? It is not an easy question to answer. But tangible political gains have shunned this question to the background.

I think (as a born-again moderate) that reservations to the tune of 10% should suffice for discrimination. A higher percentage (maybe 15-20%) might be sought for all sorts of deprived sections. Social discrimination is a much lesser deprivation. After all being an SC-ST-OBC is just not the same as not having one limb. But in premier institutions where seats are scarce, 50% reservation (even with an increase in general category seats) is a sorry joke.

And with benefits like job reservations knocking at our doors, the day is not far when people will proudly (like doctors or PhDs or members of prestigious societies) introduce themselves as “Mr. Ram Kapoor, OBC.”

Book Review: The Devotion of Suspect X

I picked this book after I saw a lot of my friends gushing about it- something that had gone wrong for me several times (eg: Google Story, books by Danielle Steele, etc.). Very rarely do I let my friends’ or even family’s recommendations influence my book buying or book reading but I made an exception in this case, largely because I have to admit the hype eventually got to me.

‘The Devotion of Suspect X’ is a whodunit in the classic sense of the word. The book reminded me of the Agatha Christie books I had read in my childhood, without the (somewhat entertaining I must admit) shenanigans of Poirot. However, in a way, I found the book to be Agatha Christie 2.0, because it burns slowly (just like Christie’s plots) inevitably towards a logical, extremely soul satisfying climax. However, unlike Christie's books in which the first 80% of the book is just the story moving along glacially until Poirot ties it all up magically at the end, every chapter, every page is a potboiler in its own capacity; the murder, the investigation- each small step of it unfolding like pieces of an intricate and yet incredibly simple jigsaw puzzle.

This is one book you will regret putting down, everytime you inevitably have to. The simple desire to know what happens next made me finish it in a couple of days flat and the story lingered on in my head, everytime I put the book down.

Ten on ten. Completely un-missable.

Vodafone claims customer service will get worse after India scraps talks on tax dispute

Dedicated to the best worst telecom sector company.

Delhi: In response to tax reconciliation talks with the Indian government over tax dues of $2.6 billion breaking down, Vodafone has claimed that its customer service will only go further downhill if it is made to pay these dues.

Hard times

The dispute has been going on for more than five years with several rounds of discussion already having taken place between the Indian government and representatives from Vodafone.

“A recent survey showed us that Vodafone customer service agents are the dumbest in the country, even worse than BSNL,” a spokesperson for the company said.

“If we have to pay this much money, we will fire all our current staff and hire the dumbest possible customer service agents at really low pays. Most of the time they will just say ‘Hello, hello? I can’t hear your voice.’ The other half of the time, they will just sit and breathe heavily into the phone or count from one to hundred in loop, while the customer shouts at them angrily.”

“Eventually, we might even take a leaf out of the ruling national party’s book and release Telecom Nirman ads,” the man added, “while effectively doing nothing for the telecom sector or the country.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/12/vodafone-claims-customer-service-will-get-worse-after-india-scraps-talks-on-tax-dispute/

Srinivasan requests government for “Vadra” type protection for son-in-law

Dedicated to the "Vadra" of IPL.

Soon after reports began filtering in of a Supreme Court appointed panel of judges indicting N. Srinivasan’s son-in-law, Gurunath Meiyappan, on committing illegal activities as a Principal of the Chennai Super Kings, N. Srinivasan reportedly reached out to the Congress to ensure his son-in-law gets the same level of protection as the nation’s official son-in-law.

Son-in laws should be preserved.

In a letter to Congress President, Sonia Gandhi, Mr. Srinivasan is reported to have written, “I request that all charges against my son-in-law be dropped in the same manner as Mr. Vadra. After all, my son-in-law is also merely a private citizen and an honest businessman to boot, with just a passing interest in cricket.”

The letter also went on to demand the suspension of the panel of judges and filing of multiple cases against them to harass them. “Just like Ashok Khemka, these vigilante judges should be brought to book!” the letter continues. “Please ensure that multiple FIRs, PILs, etc. are filed against them in silly or fabricated cases so that they dare not touch another influential son-in-law again!”

“After all, boys will be boys,” the letter concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/12/srinivasan-requests-government-for-vadra-type-protection-for-son-in-law/

BCCI demands that India be allowed to play Book-Cricket on foreign pitches

Dedicated to our very own paper tigers.

New Zealand: After India’s poor showing in the ODI series against New Zealand and its imminent defeat in the first test match, BCCI has demanded that India only play Book Cricket in foreign countries. The demand went by way of a written letter to the ICC from the BCCI President, N. Srinivasan.

Reliable sources have told Faking News that this move has come on the back of the BCCI Chief N. Srinivasan and some of his relatives (like a certain Mr. Meiyappan) losing money heavily after placing bets with bookies on India winning at least one match. N. Srinivasan himself is reported to have lost at least a crore rupees in a day.

In this format of the game, captains from both teams would sit in the centre of the pitch with a rather thick book- either an engineering or a medical entrance book- like ‘Organic Chemistry’ by Morrison Boyd and take turns to flip through the pages for the correct number of runs. The rest of the players would be allowed to chill, sleep or spend time with their girlfriends just like normally.

When questioned about this, Mr. Srinivasan completely denied his involvement in the matter and said that malicious elements were out to malign him and his son-in-law. However, the matter soon caught the attention of the AAP who first, threatened to go on a dharna in support of the move and later, after a quick huddle, against it.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/09/bcci-demands-that-india-be-allowed-to-play-book-cricket-on-foreign-pitches/

Congress promises free 2BHKs on Noida expressway if voted to power in 2014

Noida Expressway property developers and Congress have one thing in common. Empty promises.

Satire. 

Delhi: The Congress party today has revealed that it shall give out free flats on Noida Expressway to everyone if voted to power in 2014. The revelation was made in a press conference by senior Congress party leaders including Rahul Gandhi.

The move will be brought about as a “Right to Noida Expressway Property” Act and is likely to be named as the “Rajeev Gandhi Noida Awaas Yojna” or RGNAY. “RGNAY is going to be a game changer for empowering this country,” Rahul Gandhi, poll campaign chief of the Congress said as an answer to a question. “I will personally walk up to people I find on the street, hand them their Noida expressway property papers and empower them.”

When pointed out that such an Act would be unfeasible as among other things, Congress had no means of providing a 2 BHK on the Noida expressway to everyone, the infrastructure in this part of Noida was severely underdeveloped, projects were stuck due to litigation and lack of fund & approvals, etc., Mr. Gandhi said inexplicably, “What Rahul Gandhi wants to do, is that Rahul Gandhi and millions of youngsters in this country want to change the way the system in this country works. What Rahul Gandhi wants to do is empower the women in this country, wants to unleash the power of these women; I mean we talk about being a superpower.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/09/congress-promises-free-2bhks-on-noida-expressway-if-voted-to-power-in-2014/

Shahrukh and Salman Khan working on Facebook movies; eyeing Eid release

Dedicated to all my friends who just couldn't resist the snazzy new toy from Facebook.

Satire.


Soon after Facebook released a functionality that allowed users to create a look-back video off their timelines, Bollywood seems to have gotten into the monetization act. In what is quickly heating up as a battle between the Khans, both Shah Rukh and Salman Khan are gunning for an Eid release slot for their Facebook movies.

“After Jai Ho did not do that well, Bhai is taking extra care to make sure his Facebook movie goes off well,” a source in the Salman Khan camp told this Faking News reporter. “We have heard that Shah Rukh is also working on his Facebook movie so that it can release on Eid like Bhai’s movie, but we are not worried. Bhai ke paas body, bracelet aur ‘Being Human’ hai… Shah Rukh ke paas kya hai?”

Reportedly, Aamir Khan has also started working on his Facebook movie but is only gunning for a 2016 release to ensure that everything is perfect.

Meanwhile, Imran Khan released his Facebook movie on his timeline yesterday- a fact that largely passed by unnoticed.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/09/shahrukh-and-salman-khan-working-on-facebook-movies-eyeing-eid-release/

UPA empowered Satya Nadella to become Microsoft CEO: Rahul Gandhi

He's not an Indian... He's a Person of Indian Origin. 

India- stop taking credit!

After an Indian called Satya Nadella, who was relatively unknown till now, became the new CEO of Microsoft, very few institutions have wasted time in trying to claim that they had a “hand” in Nadella’s development.

“WTF”

Aside from Mr. Nadella’s school (Hyderabad Public School) and various colleges, the Congress party has also quickly jumped into the fray of trying to claim that they had everything (or most things) to do with his elevation to CEO.

“This is the best example of Bharat Nirman,” Rahul Gandhi, Congress Vice President said, who coincidentally is almost as old as Mr. Nadella. “Both the father and father-in-law of Mr. Nadella were IAS officers in Congress governments.”

When informed that Nadella had joined Microsoft 22 years ago and that the current Congress party could not have, in any way, empowered him 22 years ago, Mr. Rahul Gandhi said, “What Rahul Gandhi wants to do, is Rahul Gandhi and millions of youngsters in this country want to change the way the system in this country works. What Rahul Gandhi wants to do is empower the women in this country, wants to unleash the power of these women, I mean we talk about being a superpower.”

Reacting to the confused look on this reporter’s face, Mr. Gandhi asked, “What if I ask that question back to you?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/07/upa-empowered-satya-nadella-to-become-microsoft-ceo-rahul-gandhi/

Kejriwal’s muffler stolen; AAP threatens to go on dharna

Dedicated to the Aam Admee Dharna Party.

New Delhi: The Delhi Chief Minister, Mr. Arvind Kejriwal’s muffler was stolen today. Sources from within the Aam Admee Party said that the muffler was stolen sometime between 9 AM and 12 noon as a photograph taken of Kejriwal at 9 AM showed him with the muffler on, while in a photograph taken after 12 noon, Kejriwal did not have the muffler on.

Kejriwal with his muffler

An AAP member tried filing an FIR on behalf of Mr. Kejriwal; however, the matter quickly got embroiled in the issue of jurisdiction since between 9 and 10 AM, Mr. Kejriwal was technically in Uttar Pradesh (in his Kaushambi flat) and between 10 and 12 noon, he was in Delhi. Needless to say, both the UP and the Delhi Police refused to register a case citing jurisdiction issues.

“We believe this has been perpetrated by the same people who stole Azam Khan Sahib’s buffaloes,” a senior AAP member said. “A few gangs are stealing things that are very dear to famous politicians so as to unsettle them before national elections. We have heard from reliable sources that Chidambaram’s spectacles and Rahul Gandhi’s white kurta are also on their watchlist.”

By 1 PM today, the case had blown up into a full blown (alleged) political conspiracy with each political party blaming the other. The AAP blamed the BJP for stealing the muffler. The BJP blamed the Congress for stealing the muffler so that it looked like BJP stole the muffler. The Congress blamed the AAP Chief Minister for being careless and misplacing the muffler; the party also threatened to empower more people if the muffler was not found.

By 2 PM, the Aam Admee Party had given up its search for the muffler and gone on a dharna in honor of the missing muffler.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/06/kejriwals-muffler-stolen-aap-threatens-to-go-on-dharna/

Rahul Gandhi is so “empowering” that we use him to charge our phones: Youth Congress leaders

Starting off a new month with RaGa satire.

Delhi: Independent conversations with Youth Congress leaders, including Haseeba Ameen (the woman appearing in Rahul Gandhi’s campaign ads) have revealed that the organization has begun using his abilities for non-political things as well.

Electric smile

Apparently, Rahul Gandhi has become soempowering that his body has begun generating electricity as well.

“Rahulji is a Gandhi 2.0 version- a hardware update that not only speaks of empowerment but gives you empowerment, or sometimes electric shocks, as soon as he touches you,” Ameen said. “Most of us now use him to charge our mobile phones as well. In fact, his own Blackberry never loses battery life as it is in constant contact with him.”

When asked about what was the modus operandi behind Mr. Gandhi generating electricity, another Congress worker said, on condition of anonymity, “We just have to ask him a question he does not know the answer to and his brain releases electric signals which begin empowering everybody or everything he comes in contact with.”

“In fact after coming back from Arnab Goswami’s interview, Rahulji was so empowering that we used him to generate a day’s electricity for our headquarters in Lutyens Delhi,” the man added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/03/rahul-gandhi-is-so-empowering-that-we-use-him-to-charge-our-phones-youth-congress-leaders-2/

Dhoni thanks Rahul Gandhi for helping people forget that India lost series in New Zealand

The interview of the year has given me enough material to write about for at least another year! 

Satire. 

India lost a cricket series 4-0 to New Zealand- a news event that largely went by unnoticed because of Rahul Gandhi’s extraordinary display of ineptitude in his interview with Arnab Goswami on Times Now. This fact was not lost on Mahendra Singh Dhoni, the Indian cricket team captain, who thanked Rahul Gandhi publicly for giving him much needed breathing space.

“What an amazing interview,” Dhoni said. “It lifted up our spirits when we saw it on Youtube after losing the series. In fact, Sir Ravindra Jadeja was actually rolling on the floor, laughing. More importantly, it seems to have taken the media glare off us.”

“I remember the last time we lost a series, there were all these News Hour type debates where all kinds of ex-cricketers made comments about our bowling, fielding, batting, eating, drinking, breathing, etc.,” the Indian captain continued. “But this series loss passed by so peacefully. I think I am going to vote for Congress in the next elections. Ek interview se yeh haal hai to socho Prime Minister ban gaya to har roz itna drama hoga.”

“We can then comfortably keep on losing matches,” Dhoni added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/01/dhoni-thanks-rahul-gandhi-for-helping-people-forget-that-india-lost-series-in-new-zealand/

Management Trainee directly promoted to CEO after speaking nonsense for an hour

Inspired by a CEO's newsbyte on CNBC. He spoke a lot and managed to say nothing.

Satire. 

In an extraordinary feat of mental acuity, a Management Trainee in a consulting firm was promoted directly to CEO after he managed to speak nonsense extempore for an hour.

As per sources with the firm, the lucky new joinee had been, in fact, simply asked to introduce himself to other Management Trainees. However, the man launched into an awe inspiring speech, the specifics of which none of the people around him could remember later.

“It was like watching a Salman Khan movie or meeting with an accident that causes severe head trauma,” a fellow Management Trainee said. “Tadapit Kumar,” he continued referring to the Management Trainee in question, “spoke for an hour- but his speech was so generic and full of gas that I was almost reminded of Rahul Gandhi. Needless to say, much like Rahul Gandhi, the firm quickly promoted him to CEO, so that he might lead the company.”

“We are a consulting firm,” a senior HR executive familiar with the development said. “Our money-making capacities depend on our employees going up to clients and consistently backing ideas or models or other things underpaid interns have found for them on Google with long winding, snore inducing and rather confusing speeches. Our erstwhile CEO was very specific at times and would also give out facts and figures when asked specific questions. With Tadapit, who can let loose several bursts of verbal diarrhea in rapid succession, we have finally found someone who can back our half baked presentations with generic nonsense.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/management-trainee-promoted-to-ceo-after-speaking-nonsense-for-an-hour/