Newshour panelists offered complimentary entry into IIMs after going through 100s of pointless GDs

I have never quite understood the point of Arnab Goswami's show. He doesn't let anyone except people in his own studio speak!

Satire.

Ahmedabad/ Bangalore/ Kolkata: The admission boards of IIMs have extended complimentary admission invites to regular visitors to ‘The Newshour’ – the TV show dominated moderated by Arnab Goswami.

Regular attendees of Arnab Goswami’s show – most of them spokespersons of political parties or eminent Bollywood personalities – woke up today to find acceptance letters from the three IIMs in their mail boxes.

“It is fascism by Modi government.”

“Today I got acceptance of admission letters from three IIMs without even applying,” Sanjay Jha said, in an exclusive telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “No, I do not know why I got them. It could be another attempt by Smriti Irani to ruin autonomous educational institutes. I will raise this issue in The Newshour tonight.”

“Yes yes, we are trying to simplify our admission procedures,” Prof. R. Kumara Prasad, Dean of admissions at IIM Ahmedabad said, “So if someone has already gone through a trauma as bad as a three hour long written exam, a Group Discussion with a pack of desperadoes and an interview with professors trying desperately to prove that they are still relevant despite being on the wrong side of sixty, we are going to offer admission to them.”

“In fact, if someone has gone through both The Newshour and Frankly Speaking with Arnab – without suffering a nervous breakdown – we are proposing to offer them an honorary MBA directly,” Prof. Prasad added.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/newshour-panelists-offered-complimentary-entry-into-iims-after-going-through-100s-of-pointless-gds/

Man’s voice changes from Rafi to Reshammiya after taking bath in Delhi winter

Three cheers to Delhi's awesome winters! Satire.

New Delhi. Residents of an East Delhi colony were surprised to hear the pitch of the most famous bathroom singer in their colony change abruptly as he took a bath.

The residents of Aparna Apartments, Geeta Colony were shocked as the crooning voice that used to wake them up in the morning turned out to be more on the lines of Himesh Reshammiya than Mohd. Rafi.

“We are used to being woken up by Tadapit Kumarji singing in his deep baritone as he takes a bath to get ready for work,” Ramesh Prasad, an old shopkeeper said. “But today, what woke us up was a thin nasal voice that sounded like it was facing an imaginary mic and was coming from someone wearing an unfashionable cap. The tone was so nasal that I almost did not wake up today.”

When approached for a comment, this Faking News reporter could hear Tadapit Kumar shivering through the door at his flat’s entrance. “The thing is that I actually bathed today… ever since winter started I have been entering the bathroom and singing to make my family members believe that I was bathing,” he said, amid shivers. “And while singing, I would throw the bath water down the drain. But today I had an important meeting and had to actually take bath.”

“Bhai Pakistani Taliban ek taraf aur Dilli ki sardi ek taraf,” Tadapit concluded.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/mans-voice-changes-from-rafi-to-reshammiya-after-taking-bath-in-delhi-winter/

Book Review: Vengeance by George Jonas

'Vengeance' - a journalistic retelling of Mossad's elimination of terrorists involved in the Munich Olympics massacre of Israeli athletes - is a fantastic book. George Jonas takes one through a journey with his almost mythical Mossad hero "Avner" - a man who leads an eclectic team of spies as they execute the terrorists one by one.

Even though the book has been made into a movie ("Munich") and a fantastic movie at that, it still deserves to be read. To me, the book was less about Israel's vengeance itself but more about the journey of "Avner" who transforms from an army man, wet behind the ears to a spy to a Mossad dropout, denied pay and recognition by the very organization he put his life at risk for. And, you have to admire Mossad's gall - like the CIA or the FBI, Mossad's mandate and expertise extended (and still extends) beyond its physical boundaries; and that is remarkable for a country the size of a thumb on the map.

Jonas has a steady writing hand; 'Vengeance' is the kind of book that will make you forget that you had to sleep, eat or go to office. Gripping and highly recommended. I dare say the book is far better than the movie.

Book Review: Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

'Slaughterhouse Five' is a semi autobiographical account of Kurt Vonnegut's life as a Prisoner of War in Dresden when it was fire bombed. The book follows the life and times and travails of Billy Pilgrim, an unlikely protagonist, who goes from optometrist to soldier and back to optometrist again.

Poignant and funny in parts, the book was readable. I especially liked Vonnegut's irreverent nonchalance towards major events - built in to mirror the irreverent nonchalance of the Second World War: killing and maiming thousands here but leaving there a particular block of houses untouched somehow. The book is proclaimed a classic but there are several other far more poignant and bittersweet World War books than 'Slaughterhouse-Five'.

Had I perhaps not read 'The Book Thief' or Primo Levi's beautiful 'Survival in Auschwitz', I might have loved this book more. 'Slaughterhouse-Five' simply pales in comparison.

Book Review: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams is the absolute gold standard in comic writing. I have read Scott Adams, Terry Pratchett, etc. but Douglas Adams' incredibly funny writing shall stand the test of space and time and science and newly discovered planets/ species and schools made up of new comedy writers.

"Dirk Gently" is Adams' second book series after the astronomically funny and successful "Hitchhiker's Guide" series. It is perhaps because of the humungous success of the first series (the book, the radio show, the movie, the video game and the bath towel - as Adams likes to keep reminding everyone in each of his books), that "Dirk Gently" pales somewhat in comparison. For even though it is as funny (and sometimes more in sections... there is an especially funny hard to forget comical section about Dirk and his secretary), Adams fails to weave all the illogical nonsense together with his inimitable scientific logic and that leads to a sort of damp squib at the end.

The book is still quite readable; but coming from Adams, I just expected more. A measure of how funny the book actually was is that even though I thought the plot failed me, I have already purchased the next one in the 'Dirk Gently' series.

Ajay Devgan applies for Rs. 100 crore loan to ensure “Action Jackson” is labelled a “100 crore” grosser

I am genuinely happy that a so called 'blockbuster' has flopped. May it force our filmmakers to make watchable films!

Satire. 

Mumbai. After Action Jackson could only gross 40 odd crores in the first five days of his release, Ajay Devgan was located in the offices of one of India’s leading financial institutions. It was later discovered that Mr. Devgan had reached out to the bank for a loan.

“Yes it is true,” Chaddha, branch manager at the bank told Faking News. “Mr. Devgan walked into our branch looking for a loan. He told us that his movie Action Jackson wasn’t making money at all despite the usual Rohit Shetty-esque bullshit of having blown enough cars, him being shirtless and there being a girl in her undergarments virtually throughout the movie. He was quite distraught and was virtually begging us to give him a 100 crore loan.”

When asked if the bank did disburse him the loan, Chadha replied, “We would have two years ago. But now this RBI is too strict jee.” After taking a sip of his tea, he continued, “Jabse yeh Raghuram Rajan aaya hai, har loan pe upar ki kamai band hai.”


Meanwhile, Prabhu Deva reportedly had another take on the same problem. The dancer turned director has decided to watch his own movie fifty lakh times to ensure it makes 100 crores.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/ajay-devgan-applies-for-rs-100-crore-loan-to-ensure-action-jackson-is-labelled-a-100-crore-grosser/

Hosteller yet to bathe after having purchased six deodorants in last year’s Online Sale

Dedicated to all my hosteler friends... Satire.

Delhi: A final year student of an engineering college has become the first Indian to (officially) go a year without bathing. Tadapit Kumar, a BTech student in one of Delhi’s private colleges, achieved this milestone with the help of the six deodorants he purchased in last December Great Online Shopping Festival.

“I bought six deos for six rupees last year in this GOSF thing,” Tadapit said, as this reporter found him smelling surprisingly fresh for a man who hadn’t bathed in a year. “Since these were the ‘no gas waala’ deos they still haven’t run out. I still have more than two and a half bottles remaining.”

“Once I realized that the deos weren’t going to run out any time soon, I stopped bathing completely,” Tadapit continued. As for him entering the record books as the first Indian to go unbathed in a year, Tadapit said, “Oh that’s just because I am the only one with the guts to admit it. Nobody really ever bathes in the hostel except when they are drunk and somebody has to wake them up for an exam with a bucket full of water. It’s just that with these deodorants I never end up smelling bad; there are people in this hostel who smell worse than the open sewage dump in Bawana; yet they will never admit to having not bathed.”

“All this bathing nonsense is all due to peer pressure jee,” Tadapit concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/12/hosteller-yet-to-bathe-after-having-purchased-six-deodorants-in-last-years-online-sale/

Rahul Gandhi doing things

To my utter surprise (and eventual delight), I discovered that there is now an official "Rahul Gandhi" Facebook page. Also (not) surprisingly the page has a zillion funny photos of Rahul Gandhi. The middle aged youth leader fails miserably in looking anywhere close to serious in his pictures. But then again, anything Rahul Gandhi does or gets photographed doing (however serious or altruistic or theoretically cancer curing), becomes meme-worthy.

So below I reproduce RaGa doing things on his official FB page. To the credit of the Congress party, these were perhaps his best shots... a movie director really cannot do much if the lead actor in his movie is Arya Babbar.

 

Rahul Gandhi fighting with little kid for a biscuit

 Earlier: Same fight, same kid. (Before it got ugly)

RaGa shaking hands of random South Indian Congress guy using his wrist

RaGa trying hard not to laugh at how poor the bearded man is.

Dedicated Congress Youth worker answering RaGa's question - "How tall do you think I am?"

Blue sweater man absolutely horrified to be photographed with RaGa

RaGa shocked to find a man with a Manmohan colored turban speaking.

RaGa stealing "Playboy" banian when he thinks no one is looking in a garments shop

Later... RaGa executing a rampwalk in the same shop

RaGa angrily asking one of his constituents why she is still poor, when even his undereducated brother-in-law has made thousands of crores

Okay... RaGa probably told this guy he is a doctor or something (or slipped him a crore or two under the table). Hilariously dramatic pose!

You too can find Rahul Gandhi doing things at https://www.facebook.com/India.RahulGandhi. Also this Facebook page is NOT a parody page despite the inherent funniness of the photos. Enjoy!

Engineer decides to change his name to “Aamir Khan” so that he is given only one thing to do every year

Dedicated to India's very own male Oprah Winfrey... Satire.

 
Gurgaon: A software engineer based out of Gurgaon has taken the unprecedented step of changing his name to ‘Aamir Khan’ so that he needn’t have to do too much work in office. Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer for an MNC, took the decision after having worked 80 hour weeks and still received a “Needs improvement” on his annual appraisal.

“I worked eighty, sometimes hundred hour weeks this year, sometimes even on weekends,” Tadapit said, “and Chadhha still gave me a ‘Needs improvement’. So I have decided to improve myself. I am ‘Aamir Khan’ now for all practical purposes. I will do only one project every year instead of ten and maybe pose nude with a transistor in front of my privates.”

“Yes the news is true,” Chaddha said when approached by this Faking News reporter, his face in his hands. “Tadapit walked in to my cabin this morning and said he was no longer Tadapit Kumar but Aamir Khan now. He said he would only do one project every year.”

“And maybe also conduct one talk show in the office canteen, where he would pretend to care about other people,” Chaddha added, “He claims to be a perfectionist now, and since he’s perfect, we have accepted his demands.”

Meanwhile another engineer in the same company has decided to change his name to Salman Khan so that he is allowed to submit the same project in different fonts and folders every time.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/engineer-decides-to-change-his-name-to-aamir-khan-so-that-he-is-given-only-one-thing-to-do-every-year/

Inspired by actresses looking like birds after surgery, birds start demanding human nose transplants

I never understood why actresses pay big bucks to actually look worse... Satire.

Mumbai: The animal kingdom has reportedly taken notice of the plastic surgery mania amongst Bollywood actresses. After hundreds of Bollywood actresses underwent plastic surgeries that helped them get beak-like noses, birds have reportedly started demanding the ‘Bollywood actress’ look from plastic surgeons.

“It was our hospital that helped Nargis Fakhri look like a duck, Anushka Sharma like a sparrow, Priyanka Chopra like a crow and Rakhi Sawant who had a rather odd demand of looking like a human scarecrow,” Dr. Tadapit Kumar, a plastic surgeon at a leading Mumbai hospital said proudly. “But now, we are seeing a new trend, wherein there is a huge demand for human features in a massive cross section of bird species. We have ducks coming in everyday wanting the ‘Nargis Fakhri’ look and sparrows coming in wanting the ‘Anushka Sharma’ look. We cannot complain… any business is good business for us.”

“Earlier our business used to be 70% actresses who wanted to go from looking beautiful to looking like a bird, and 30% people who were rich enough to pay to look good before their wedding nights,” Dr. Tadapit continued. “But now bird surgeries form 80% of our topline. We have even managed to capitalise on the Rakhi Sawant look… We mass produce cut outs with her face on them and sell these as scarecrows to farmers.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/09/inspired-by-actresses-looking-like-birds-after-surgery-birds-start-demanding-human-nose-transplants/

To burn calories faster, man takes GPS Tracker for a drive

Dedicated to all my 'Facebook runner' friends... Satire.


Gurgaon: A Gurgaon based professional has adopted a unique strategy to tackle the peer pressure exerted on him to burn calories on social media, i.e. switching on his fitness app while driving to and from work. Tadapit Kumar, an MNC executive and IIM Ahmedabad passout, adopted the new strategy after realizing that his job didn’t permit him to burn as many calories as his Facebook friends.

“I am part of this Gurgaon Running and Living Group because my girlfriend forced me to join… And all these people with seemingly nothing else to do in life keep posting that they burnt 5000 calories after running 25 kilometres,” Tadapit said to this Faking News reporter agitatedly. “Arre bhai, if you can run 25 kilometres without stopping, toh gaadee bech do OLX pe. Use your legs to ferry yourself and other people from point A to point B. Why put such a stupid thing up on Facebook?”

“My Maruti Zen car has run 150,000 kilometres,” Tadapit added. “Do you see it posting this on Facebook? Burnt 20 million calories while ferrying owner around for 150,000 kilometres. Now help owner ‘fake’ burn calories so that his girlfriend would stop pestering him.”

“I work 80 hour weeks and need to conserve all the energy I have left after that to have sex with my girlfriend instead of running, so spare me this nonsense!” Tadapit exclaimed.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/09/to-burn-calories-faster-man-takes-gps-tracker-for-a-drive/

Man decides to do PhD on whether Dove is better or Milk

Seriously, who the F cares?

Satire.

Bhubaneshwar: Reports coming in from IIT Bhubaneshwar campus have confirmed that an engineer has decided to research an eternally burning question on Television – the effectiveness of Dove versus Milk.

Results awaited!

Tadapit Kumar, an IIT Bhubaneshwar graduate, has apparently taken the unprecedented step of giving up on his campus placement and deciding to a PhD.

“I have been seeing all these ads comparing Dove and milk ever since I was a little boy,” Tadapit said to this Faking News reporter, “so much so that I once added Dove to my Bournvita instead of milk in 12^th standard.”

“Anyway, after I got discharged from the hospital,” Tadapit continued, “I started preparing really hard for JEE and never got time to consider the question. Now that I have almost passed out of my four year course here, I finally have the time to go back to my first love… Dove vs. Milk.”

“I have already approached about 50 women asking them to apply milk on one side of their face and Dove on the other,” Tadapit said, “All of them slapped me. I am wondering if there is a scientific reason behind this.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/man-decides-to-do-phd-on-whether-dove-is-better-or-milk/

Engineer gets heart attack after getting better appraisal than pretty female colleague

Satire...

Gurgaon: A software engineer suffered a heart attack today on discovering that he had received a better appraisal rating than his pretty female colleague.

Tadapit, the software engineer in question, received an unprecedented “Outstanding” grade whereas Sheila, the pretty female colleague in question happened to receive merely an “Excellent”. Tadapit was lucid enough to give a statement though when this correspondent approached him in the hospital.

“Never… in… life… how?” Tadapit panted, before his doctors put him back on respiratory support.

“Not just Tadapit, all of us went into shock,” Murly, one of Tadapit’s teammates said. “Normally, Chadha reserves ‘Outstanding’ for Sheila, who he picks up and drops home everyday in his sedan, even though she lives in the house bang opposite our office. When we heard the news, we thought it was one of those clerical errors… then all of us checked if Tadapit had suddenly begun to look like a hot item dancer. When we realized that Tadapit’s rating was actually ‘Outstanding’ and that Tadapit looked very much like a normal software engineering male, all of us tried to check if Sheila had begun to look like a normal software engineering man. When that too did not transpire, we were left questioning the very fabric of our existence.”

“Even I have taken six Crocin’s,” Murly continued. “My B.P. was so high.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/06/engineer-gets-heart-attack-after-getting-better-appraisal-than-pretty-female-colleague/

Pratibha Patil registers formal protest against Narendra Modi visiting more countries than her

I miss Pratibha Patil not doing anything at all. Satire...

Delhi: India’s last President, Ms. Pratibha Patil, has registered a formal protest against India’s current Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, gathering more frequent flier air miles than her. Speaking to reporters in Delhi, Ms. Patil, who wantonly used the Indian political system as a de facto travel agency, said that she was afraid that soon Mr. Modi was going to surpass her in the number of tourist spots visited.

“I only visited 142 countries during my stint as the President of this country,” an unusually vocal Ms. Patil said. “At the rate at which Narendra Modiji is going, he will have visited more countries in one year than I did during my entire stint… And collected more frequent flier miles!”

“Rahul Gandhiji wouldn’t have had food at as many Dalit homes as the countries already visited by the current Prime Minister,” she added morosely.

Remembering old times wistfully she said, “Our pairing was best… Manmohan and mine. We could sit at a table in uncomfortable silence for hours. The only sound between us would be that of passing gas.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/04/pratibha-patil-registers-formal-protest-against-narendra-modi-visiting-more-countries-than-her/

Chetan Bhagat sues Bihar scholar for using big and tough words such as ‘plagiarism’ in his legal notice

Mr. Bhagat, you kind of had it coming... Satire.

Patna: After a Bihar based English scholar, Dr. Birbal Jha, accused and slapped a legal notice on Chetan Bhagat for stealing the plot of his latest book, ‘Half Girlfriend’ from his published book, Chetan Bhagat has sued Dr. Jha back for using big words such as ‘plagiarism’ in his statement and legal notice. Bhagat, however, refused to confirm or deny whether he had lifted the plot of his book from Dr. Jha’s book claiming that “All life is an inspiration for me.”

“Of course I know what ‘plagiarism’ means, thank you,” Bhagat quipped, in a telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “I have access to the internet and several free dictionary sites. But what about the masses? What about the poor, naked, hungry people from Bihar who do not have access to the internet and thus cannot understand what the word means? It is cruel for these people, no?”

“I want to be known for my simple down to earth literature that even a chai-wallah can read and enjoy,” Bhagat concluded. When pointed out that the chai-wallah might be illiterate, Bhagat replied, “Doesn’t matter… he can watch the movie that the book will inevitably be converted into, later.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/25/chetan-bhagat-sues-bihar-scholar-for-using-big-and-tough-words-such-as-plagiarism-in-his-legal-notice/

Companies give one week off to employees so that they can understand “Interstellar”

Couldn't resist. Satire.

Gurgaon: A clutch of IT companies based out of Gurgaon have come up with an innovative solution to deal with the fallout of the release of Christopher Nolan’s latest, ‘Interstellar’.

Considering that a significant chunk of their employees saw the movie over the weekend and significantly, a significant chunk of the significant chunk who saw it did not understand it, the companies have decided to announce an optional week long furlough for employees to understand ‘Interstellar’.

“Last time also, a whole month was wasted as people stopped working to discuss Inception,” Chadha – a team leader with an MNC software giant – said. “It stopped only when we circulated a company-wide memo explaining the movie and organized a town hall by some IIT guy.”

The decision by the companies has apparently gone down well with even those who have not watched the movie yet. “I haven’t even seen Interstellar but only heard people around me or on my Facebook timeline talking of gravitational time dilation,” Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working in Chadha’s team, said, “But now that we have this leave, I think I will watch the movie multiple times.”

“Maybe, I will also enroll for some FIITJEE classes on Physics to understand it afterwards,” Tadapit added.

Meanwhile Congress leader Digvijay Singh has cited this as an example on why Rahul Gandhi often goes on leave. “To understand the mysteries of politics,” he said.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/companies-give-one-week-off-to-employees-so-that-they-can-understand-interstellar/

Kejriwal coughing non-stop ever since fresh polls announced in Delhi: Sources

Welcome back to the satirical fold, Mr. Kejriwal! 

New Delhi: Reports coming in from the AAP camp have confirmed rumours that Delhi’s ex Chief Minister had begun coughing non-stop as soon as the Lieutenant Governor cleared the way for fresh polls in Delhi. One of Faking News’ trustworthy sources within the AAP also confirmed the fact that Kejriwal had begun wearing his trademark muffler again as well and going from room to room, in the AAP office, muttering the words ‘Main toh bahut chhota aadmee hoon’, amid coughs.

“The coughing started almost automatically as soon as Mr. Jung cleared the way for fresh polls in Delhi,” the source said. “It is only when we switched on the TV that we realized that somehow Arvind had managed to pick up on the fact that there would be fresh elections, almost automatically. We cancelled our high command meeting and went home because Mr. Kejriwal was clearly in a coughing mood and did not want to be disturbed.”

“He has also been giving a practice dharna in front of the bathroom, and has not let any of us use it,” Mrs. Kejriwal is reported to have told the source about the situation at the Kejriwal residence. “We have had to use one of the neighbours’ loos.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/09/kejriwal-coughing-non-stop-ever-since-fresh-polls-announced-in-delhi-sources/

All recovered black money to be distributed amongst victims of ‘Happy New Year’: Finance Minister

Congratulations to HNY which just made 100 crores (or 200?). That didn't stop it from sucking as a movie though. Satire.

Delhi: A couple of days after Jaya Bachhan, a Rajya Sabha MP, announced that ‘Happy New Year’ was a nonsensical movie, Arun Jaitley – India’s Finance Minister – announced that any and all recovered black money would soon be distributed amongst victims of ‘Happy New Year’.

“A case of a brother-sister duo terrorizing the nation with their movies has come to light,” Mr. Jaitley said to reporters from his Mantralay office. “We have taken suo moto cognizance of the issue and hereby announce that the first right to the recovered black money shall be for the victims of their most recently released misadventure.”

However, within an hour of Mr. Jaitley making the statement, Ram Jethmalani took suo moto cognizance of the suo moto cognizance and threatened to file an injunctive motion against it. “I see no reference to how Saajid Khan’s victims will be compensated, in the statement,” Jethmalani said. “At the end of the day, ‘Happy New Year’ is almost a classic if you compare it with ‘Himmatwala’ or ‘Humshakals’.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/09/all-recovered-black-money-to-be-distributed-amongst-victims-of-happy-new-year-finance-minister/

Book Review: Shikhandi by Devdutt Pattanaik

There is perhaps a law of diminishing returns with an author. Look at John Grisham - the same guy who gave the world classics such as 'The Rainmaker' or 'The Testament' - also wrote absolute putrid shit such as 'The Summons', 'The King of Torts' or his latest 'Theodore Boone' book series.

It is perhaps a disservice to Pattanaik that this is the first book of his that I read. I know this is perhaps not the book Pattanaik is known (or perhaps even wants to be known) for, but it was such a snoozeworthy bore, that I was left questioning the investment I had already made in one more of his books.

'Shikhandi and other stories' reads like one of those high school textbooks that force you to go through twenty chapters of short stories and have lengthy "Chapter Summaries" or "Bhavarth" (in hindi) sections at the end. Pattanaik does a great job with his research but the book unfortunately reads more like a thesis and less like a book.

But what the hell, it's Devdutt Pattanaik. Even if he writes a book that has just punctuation marks, it will sell.

Like John Grisham.

Or Chetan Bhagat.

Man travels all the way from Delhi to Agra just to shout expletives at man who overtook his car

Dedicated to all road rage victims. Satire.

Delhi: A man recently was reported to have travelled from South Delhi to Agra just so he could shout out expletives at someone who overtook his car. Rambo Singh, an auto parts trader in South Delhi, had important business meetings lined up for the day, but the need to pronounce the man who overtook his car as a fornicator of his mother/sister proved irresistible for him.

“What could I do?” said Rambo Singh in his defence, “This guy in a BMW overtook me from the left when I was driving at a comfortable 100 kilometres per hour on the Yamuna Expressway. And consider the fact that I was doing 100 kmph in my Maruti Alto. What do these badee gadee wallahs think? That they can overtake us small folks at any time?”

However, Rambo’s mission proved futile since he could not catch up with or locate the BMW later. “Luckily I managed to find someone who still supported the Congress party at the toll,” Rambo said. “He kept saying ‘Rahul Gandhi is the future of our country’. I abused him profusely to relieve all my built up stress.”

“Now that I am in Agra, I think I will see the Taj Mahal also,” Rambo added.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/man-travels-all-the-way-from-delhi-to-agra-just-to-shout-expletives-at-man-who-overtook-his-car/

Book Review: Sholay - The Making of a Classic by Anupama Chopra

This virtually unknown book came to my attention as I was trawling Amazon's book pages during one of their umpteen 'Dhamaka' sales. Filled with anecdotes that went on behind the scenes during the making of 'Sholay', I found the book a terrifically fun read.

'Sholay' started off as a four sentence story idea that Salim and Javed had about a couple of good at heart crooks. Ramesh Sippy, in his mid twenties at the time, picked the story up and literally bled money (the budget of the movie was unthinkable for those times) to convert the four line story into one of India's cult classics.

'Sholay: The Making of a Classic' is on par with Jai Arjun Singh's 'Jaane bhi do yaaron'. I finished the book in a day and was left wanting more.

Read both these books to understand how two of India's favorite movies came to be made.

MBA requests addition to Black Money List so that he can add another CV point

 Satire.

Ranchi: After three people shot to instant fame on being named as “black money holders”, an MBA student from IIM Ranchi has written to the Finance Minister to be included in the black money list as well. Tadapit Kumar, a second year student at IIM-R, apparently made the demand so that he could buff up his CV for final placements.

“I could not get elected to any of the societies or placement teams because I was not part of any of the gangs in the hostel and also I am the only one to have made a girlfriend on campus, which means everybody is calling me Chetan Bhagat and has begun to hate me,” Tadapit said. “But aside from that achievement,” he said, most likely referring to his girlfriend, “I haven’t really won any inter or intra B-School competitions and keeping up with Sakshi’s demands has meant that I am always lagging behind in my courses and getting terrible GPAs.”

“And kuchh bhi keh lo, this is IIM Ranchi,” Tadapit said. “Placement is a big fight for everyone. I am sure Sakshi will leave me for one of those ghissu mallus if I don’t get a job offer. She doesn’t really look anything like Alia Bhatt… but it’s great to have a girlfriend in a place like Ranchi.”

“At least this way I can say I was shortlisted for something on my CV,” Tadapit concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/10/30/mba-requests-addition-to-black-money-list-so-that-he-can-add-another-cv-point/

ISRO placed a software engineer with DSLR inside Mangalyaan to take Mars pics: Reports

The only logical way ISRO is doing this so inexpensively. Satire.

ISRO Campus/ Mars Orbit: Reports filtering in about the Mangalyaan mission have just confirmed that instead of using a generic telescopic camera to click pictures of Mars’ surface, ISRO scientists had placed an engineer with a DSLR camera inside the Mars orbiter.

Apparently ISRO was forced to confirm the news after Tadapit Kumar – the engineer in question – tweeted from space,“@MarsOrbiter rocks. Got some cool pics with my DSLR. In your face @Chaddha! F*** your appraisal!”

“We first found Tadapit taking pictures of his sandals with a DSLR camera inside ISRO campus,” a senior ISRO scientist and spokersperson said, confirming the news.

“When we saw him crawl into a gutter to take a picture of a cockroach with his camera, we knew he would go to any lengths to take any picture. We shortlisted him there and then, on the spot, for the Mangalyaan mission. It was only later that we found out that he was also a software engineer.”

“How else do you think we executed the entire thing so inexpensively?” he added, “The only half decent telescopic cameras available in the world are made in China and this Tadapit thing goes entirely with our new ‘Make in India’ motive. There will never be a dearth of software engineers with DSLR cameras that we make in India.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/09/isro-placed-a-software-engineer-with-dslr-inside-mangalyaan-to-take-mars-pics-reports/

After declaring Kashmir a part of Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto declares his shoes a part of his body

A toast to the 'Rahul Gandhi' of Pakistan! Satire.

Islamabad: Just a day after declaring that Kashmir belonged to and was a part of Pakistan, an inspired Bilawal Bhutto – heir apparent of the Bhutto political dynasty in Pakistan – declared that his shoes were also a part of his body now.

The comment came in the wake of Bilawal claiming Kashmir was a part of Pakistan and that he would recover every inch of it.

“Right now, my shoes say ‘Jimmy Choo’ at the bottom,” Bhutto said. “But they are my shoes, so how can they belong to this Choo person? I hereby declare that every inch of my shoes is an unmistakeable and irrefutable part of my body.”

Bhutto made the comment at a rally attended by supporters of his party. The fact that he chose to not claim his socks as a part of his body is being seen as a serious indicator of his vision on the geopolitics of the region, by the Pakistani media.

“The socks are like Taliban… so he doesn’t really care about that,” a leading Pakistani news commentator said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/09/23/after-declaring-kashmir-a-part-of-pakistan-bilawal-bhutto-declares-his-shoes-a-part-of-his-body/

Engineer becomes convinced he’s an MBA after reading “Ten signs you are from IIM-A”

Dedicated to all the people who keep posting 'Ten signs you are XYZ' on my Facebook timeline

New Delhi. Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working out of Gurgaon, became one of the first official victims of ‘List’ sites after he started believing that he was an MBA from IIM-A after reading an article on the sites.

“It is cool, no?” Tadapit said to this Faking News reporter, “I thought I would have to take CAT and clear all those GD and PI rounds… but now, from this site, I know I am already from IIMA!”

“If it is on the internet, it has to be true, yaar!” he added.

“We are seeing several cases of people trying to do things after reading them in lists,” Dr. Chugh, a renowned psychiatrist said in an exclusive chat with this reporter, “For example, a lot of my fellow psychiatrist friends have started growing their hair and beards long after reading ‘Fifteen signs you are a psychiatrist’. But this is the first case of reverse ‘list-osis’ we are seeing. I spoke to this guy, Tadapit on the phone and he genuinely believes he is from IIM-A, even to the extent of telling me that he had a hot steamy relationship with Alia Bhatt on campus.”

“Yes yes, we did get this engineer fellow claiming he was an MBA from IIMA,” Chaddha, a senior HR executive at an MNC firm said. “He kept saying ‘CV pe nahin hai to kya hua, internet pe toh hai.’”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/09/engineer-becomes-convinced-hes-an-mba-after-reading-ten-signs-you-are-from-iim-a/

The "Book Bucket" Challenge

Thanks to all the people who inundated my Facebook timeline by bathing with their clothes on or telling the world the most pretentious books they could think of, that they had read. Without Facebook, I would not have known my friends needed a bath so badly or were so well read. Someone tagged me somewhere, so here are my ten books for the book challenge thing.

1. Brilliant Tutorials: The maths book with integration. If JEE 2008 had only integration questions, I would have been AIR 1. I could integrate air in 2008.

2. How to C by some Kanitkar fellow: I learnt C and C++ and promptly forgot them. TCS still hired me. Major life lesson learnt.

3. NIIT’s books on Java: I even paid NIIT for some Java course and promptly forgot Java before placements. I also bought a green fluorescent marker when I started studying Java. I left it open once and it went dry. I lost all interest in Java after that.

4. Kotler’s Marketing book: It had nice photos. I had a look at the photos and wanted to do marketing then. Then a bank hired me from B-school.

5. Solomon and Solomon on organic chemistry: By far the most boring book in the world but very thick and good for playing book cricket. Was also later used to prop up the screen of my desktop computer.

6. Resnick and Halladay: Deceptively thin book but still usable for book cricket and desktop screen propping up. I did not get beyond the preface.

7. FIITJEE’s book on fluid dynamics: I never understood fluid dynamics. I tried really hard but I never could. But the book had some cool diagrams. I always thought that the people who could make head or tail of those cool diagrams would be really cool people. Who knows, they probably were.

8. Jain and Jain: Useful all through four years of my engineering. And eventually, third and final book on which desktop was propped up.

9. Naagraj: Dohri Maut: Superbad comic book and decently fascinating. Indian comic book writing is underrated.

10. My own book: Oh and I wrote this book in B-school. I like to read passages from it when I am feeling nostalgic.

Cough Syrup Challenge launched for people falling ill from Ice Bucket Challenge

 Dedicated to all my friends who do not know the full form of ALS but took the ice bucket challenge anyway. Satire.

New Delhi. As the Ice Bucket Challenge mania spread to India, oncoming monsoon rains and the profusion of disease-inducing microbes in the air has meant that several people taking the ice-bucket challenge have begun to fall ill. This has led to doctors prescribing something that is being called the ‘Cough Syrup Challenge’ for people falling ill from the Ice Bucket Challenge.

“We are getting about a hundred cases everyday, of people getting cough, cold and fever, and even the odd case of pneumonia from taking this ice-bucket challenge,” Dr. Chaddha, a senior doctor at AIIMS said.

“We have launched the ‘Cough Syrup Challenge’ to tackle this epidemic. Everyone suffering from fever after the ice-bucket dunking is supposed to finish a bottle of cough syrup in one go. We hope this will raise awareness for the damage that can be caused by bathing in ice cold water,” Dr. Chaddha added.

“Who is this ALS disease, jee?” Tadapit Kumar, a college student and avid Facebooker asked this Faking News reporter from his hospital bed, “I only took the challenge because this girl I like, Sakshi, asked me to. I hadn’t bathed in six days anyway; so I thought two birds with one stone. But now I have gotten this stupid fever…”

“The doctor tells me I got a viral fever from the ice bucket challenge and has prescribed me this cough syrup challenge,” Tadapit revealed, “Ab Facebook pe kya likhoon? Ice bucket made me sick? What will Sakshi think?”

“I wish at least I had gotten some famous illness which Sakshi would have read of,” Tadapit added, “Ebola types.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/09/cough-syrup-challenge-launched-for-people-falling-ill-from-ice-bucket-challenge/

Kumar Vishwas claims he was offered Manchester United Manager's position too

It's plausible... Satire.

Delhi: After claiming that BJP offered him Delhi’s Chief Ministership, AAP leader Kumar Vishwas said that the party offered him the coach’s role at Manchester United too, if he helped them come to power in Delhi.
In his inimitable style, Mr. Vishwas broke into an impromptu poem and said,

“Jab mili naa unhe Dilli

Tab kaha humein coach ban jao

Manchester mein football sikha lena

Baas humein Dilli de jao.”

As BJP leaders predictably trounced the proclamation as ridiculous, AAP leaders – several of them Manchester United fans – rushed to support what Mr. Vishwas had said.

“I was there at the party where this BJP leader came close to Vishwasji and suddenly began discussing football scores,” Tadapit Kumar, an ardent Manchester United fan and AAP volunteer said. “Koi bina baat ke score discuss nahin karta.” (Nobody discusses the score without a motive.)

When asked how he thought Mr. Vishwas would fare at coaching a football club, Tadapit added, “He will be brilliant, we are sure. Even during campaigning for AAP, Kejriwalji used to threaten us that if we did not do our work properly, we would have to sit with Vishwasji and listen to his poems.”

“He can use the same tactic there,” Tadapit said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/31/kumar-vishwas-claims-he-was-offered-manchester-united-manager-position-too/

Book Review: Liar's Poker by Michael Lewis

One of the absolutely funniest books I have ever read, Liar's Poker is Michael Lewis is at his uncorrupted, unfiltered best. Long before he began chasing big and big-sounding financial stories, Lewis wrote the book as a semi-autobiographical account of his time as a bond salesman - a job he was an absolute ill-fit in. 

Incredibly funny and acerbic, the book can be read even by those who do not understand or do not ever intend to understand the world of finance. Lewis is funny, insightful and brutally honest and lays bare a culture that put little stock in financial expertise but rather forcing sales down the throats of unsuspecting customers - something that repeated itself during the Sub Prime Crisis.

Liar's Poker is Lewis when he didn't write for the money or fame. Of all his books (most of which are quite good, I must add), it absolutely deserves to be read.

Book Review: Agent Zigzag by Ben Macintyre

Fact, it is said, is often stranger than fiction. With 'Agent Zigzag', Ben Macintyre captures a story that is incredibly unbelievable yet true.

Admittedly, I have a bias for World War books, but Macintyre brings alive the story of Eddie Chapman beautifully - a conman recruited as a spy by the Germans, then recruited as a spy by the British to mislead the Germans - as part of which he landed up in war torn Germany again. Incredibly, Chapman ended up becoming the only British spy to win German honors - with the Iron Cross. 

'Agent Zigzag' is fast paced, funny and in what is a rarity for spy stories, completely true - all of which make it a compelling read. Before there were James Bond or George Smiley, there was Eddie Chapman - a slippery but undeniably charming "triple-crossing" spy.

Book Review: The Illicit Happiness of Other People by Manu Joseph

This book had me at the get go. From the opening scene, I read, in a trance like state – most likely under one of the very neuroses Manu Joseph researched to write the book. An unconventional mystery about a father trying to find out why his cartoonist son committed suicide set in the Madras of the 90’s, the book is intensely depressing and funny in equal measure.

Joseph asks questions in the book that no sane man seeking to entertain his readers would. But he weaves them in seamlessly as nuggets that explain why the young man did what he did. There are pieces of the book which are pure literary magic, for example the way Thoma Chacko – the dead young man’s younger brother – sees life around him. Joseph describes his emotions in capital letters as if they exist as proper nouns, as living beings we meet everyday and say hello to – A Sense Of Well Being, for example.

Manu Joseph is clearly a literary giant. I will have to read ‘Serious Men’ now. 

Book Review: Do and Die by Manini Chatterjee

I read this book after I came to know the movie version wasn't really an accurate adaptation of the actual history of the Chittagong uprising. Being a history buff, I really wanted to know what actually happened in Chittagong.

Chatterjee does justice to the subject and keeps you hooked even though you know the fate of the uprising already (from the movie and the one line you read about it in history books). After I read the book, I was sort of pissed off at our education system for passing off such an important and more importantly, almost successful revolution as a one liner in our NCERT books. The emphasis on Gandhi and Nehru in India's high school history can only be corrected by books like this. 

Chatterjee is forensic, meticulous and produces a book that is an extremely entertaining read. An important book.

Producers to do away with making a movie with Salman Khan, to release 3D posters in theaters

Not too far in the future... 

Mumbai. Buoyed by the success of Salman Khan’s script-less blockbusters, producers have decided to do away with the requirement of actually releasing a movie starring Salman Khan and release bhai’s 3D posters in the theaters instead.

Speaking from his office, prominent producer, Balwinder Chaddha – once a Dawood Ibrahim henchman – told this Faking News reporter that “making a movie with Salman is too much kaam-shaam jee.”

What a performance by bhai!

So the next movie starring Salman, he said, would simply be a 3D poster projected on theater screens across India.

“We also considered making a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of bhai in them,” Chaddha added, “But some of the MBAs we had hired last year told us that it would be more cost effective to simply release a poster.”

“It’s not just a poster, mind you,” he added. “It will be a 3D poster. Moviegoers and bhai’s fans will be able to stare at the poster and all its 3D depth for three hours with music from his movies playing in the background. This way with an investment of about ten thousand rupees, we will be able to make a profit of 100 Crores.”

Responding to a question from this reporter, Chaddha said, “No no… the poster itself will not move… It will be like those Jai Mata Di holographic stickers my kids stick on their school copies. Thoda sar hilaoge toh alag dikhega.”

While Salman Khan fans have welcomed the move, Shah Rukh Khan fans claim that 3D posters of SRK act better.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/producers-to-do-away-with-making-a-movie-with-salman-khan-to-release-3d-posters-in-theaters/

Taran Adarsh proclaims Chetan Bhagat’s latest novel will make 100 crores

Dedicated to two national jokes... Chetan Bhagat and Taran Adarsh.

Mumbai. After making news for having taken out a full page front ad in the newspaper for his upcoming book, Chetan Bhagat was in the news again when Taran Adarsh gave his book five stars and declared it a “100 Crore Blockbuster” without actually having read it.

Yes, Taran is right!

Even when his industry peers reminded Mr. Adarsh that the book had not even released for him to have rated it or that books unlike movies were unlikely to make 100 Crores, the intrepid critic refused to back down from his claim.

“I am a trade expert,” Mr. Adarsh said to this reporter in an exclusive interview, while he was walking his dog. “I don’t really need to watch movies or read books to comment on trade. I saw the book’s name on TV and instinctively knew it was a five starrer and was going to make hundred crores.”

When asked about his mechanism of rating movies or books, Mr. Adarsh pointed to his dog and then asked it, “Snoopy, do you think Half Girlfriend will make 100 Crores?” At this point, Snoopy wagged his tail furiously.

“There you have it… it’s confirmed now,” Mr. Adarsh concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/13/taran-adarsh-declares-chetan-bhagats-latest-novel-will-make-100-crores-when-made-into-a-movie/

MBA chews up report after CEO calls everything in his presentation “low hanging fruit”

 Continuing my noble battle against corporate jargon. Satire.

Mumbai. A management intern at a consulting firm had to be admitted to hospital after he chewed up his summer internship presentation completely. The incident apparently happened after the CEO – to whom the intern had presented his 45-slides long ppt – ridiculed his presentation and called everything that he had presented “incredibly low hanging fruit that even my pet donkey could have thought of”.

HR officials at the company were unsure whether Tadapit Kumar – the MBA intern in question – was being sarcastic or was just incredibly stupid after he munched on the printouts of his report. “He came from one of the newer IIMs, where we went for recruitment primarily because the CEO’s wife’s friend’s dogwalker’s husband is the Placement Convener there,” an HR representative told Faking News on condition of anonymity. “So I don’t think he was trying to be sarcastic; he can’t do something that may put off the PlaceCom. I think he had never heard the phrase ‘low hanging fruit’ before, or maybe he was extremely hungry,” the HR representative added.

Tadapit was later admitted to a local hospital where doctors declared him out of danger. “MBA types reports in general, and internship reports in particular, tend to cause short term damage only; the long term damage from them is usually minimal,” a doctor said.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/mba-chews-up-report-after-ceo-calls-everything-in-his-presentation-low-hanging-fruit/

Justice Katju now reveals that Chetan Bhagat bad author, wrote latest novel with one hand only

Inspired by the inimitable Salman Khan of the judicial system. Satire.

After coming out with two belated revelations about corruption in the judiciary, Justice Katju has decided to make revelations about a few people in the non-judicial universe as well. Today, Katju trained his guns at Chetan Bhagat – who he revealed was an “atrociously bad author”.

“I know this is coming almost ten years too late when nothing can actually be done about it,” Katju said, in a telephonic conversation with this Faking News reporter. “But the nation must know. Chetan is an atrociously bad author… Additionally, my sources have told me that he wrote his last novel with his right hand only. Maybe that’s why it is called ‘Half Girlfriend’?”

Sources however said that the move was one of Chetan’s publicity stunts meant to drum up publicity for his latest book “Half Girlfriend”. Tadapit Kumar, an engineering student and like Katju, absolutely no authority on Chetan Bhagat’s writing said, “So what if Chetan wrote the book with one hand or is an atrociously bad writer. He is the Salman Khan of writing. We are all waiting to get our hand on Chetan bhai’s book.”

“Next I will reveal that Yo Yo Honey Singh’s songs are sung by computers and not by an actual human being,” Katju concluded. “Maybe.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/12/justice-katju-now-reveals-that-chetan-bhagat-bad-author-wrote-latest-novel-with-one-hand-only/

Afraid of losing another test match, Indian team offers to attend Rajya Sabha on Sachin’s behalf

Finally, back to writing satire in full swing.

England: In a move seen as being inspired by the fear of losing another test match on foreign soil, Mahendra Singh Dhoni – India’s captain – has announced that the Indian cricket team will forfeit the last test match and instead, attend Rajya Sabha on Sachin Tendulkar’s behalf. Faced with public/news channel pressure, Sachin had only recently applied for a leave of absence from the Rajya Sabha after revealing that his brother’s ill health had rendered him unable to attend RS, prior to his leave application.

“We are a team,” Dhoni said at a press conference. “Even when someone retires, he still remains a part of the team and being team players, we must support the person. So we have decided to forfeit the last test match and attend Rajya Sabha on Sachin bhai’s behalf. That way, we won’t have to lose another test match and Arnab Goswami will get enough cricketers in the Parliament so that he doesn’t have to ask any more ‘Nation wants to know’ questions again.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/12/afraid-of-losing-another-test-match-indian-team-offers-to-attend-rajya-sabha-on-sachins-behalf/