Newshour panelists offered complimentary entry into IIMs after going through 100s of pointless GDs

I have never quite understood the point of Arnab Goswami's show. He doesn't let anyone except people in his own studio speak!

Satire.

Ahmedabad/ Bangalore/ Kolkata: The admission boards of IIMs have extended complimentary admission invites to regular visitors to ‘The Newshour’ – the TV show dominated moderated by Arnab Goswami.

Regular attendees of Arnab Goswami’s show – most of them spokespersons of political parties or eminent Bollywood personalities – woke up today to find acceptance letters from the three IIMs in their mail boxes.

“It is fascism by Modi government.”

“Today I got acceptance of admission letters from three IIMs without even applying,” Sanjay Jha said, in an exclusive telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “No, I do not know why I got them. It could be another attempt by Smriti Irani to ruin autonomous educational institutes. I will raise this issue in The Newshour tonight.”

“Yes yes, we are trying to simplify our admission procedures,” Prof. R. Kumara Prasad, Dean of admissions at IIM Ahmedabad said, “So if someone has already gone through a trauma as bad as a three hour long written exam, a Group Discussion with a pack of desperadoes and an interview with professors trying desperately to prove that they are still relevant despite being on the wrong side of sixty, we are going to offer admission to them.”

“In fact, if someone has gone through both The Newshour and Frankly Speaking with Arnab – without suffering a nervous breakdown – we are proposing to offer them an honorary MBA directly,” Prof. Prasad added.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/newshour-panelists-offered-complimentary-entry-into-iims-after-going-through-100s-of-pointless-gds/

Man’s voice changes from Rafi to Reshammiya after taking bath in Delhi winter

Three cheers to Delhi's awesome winters! Satire.

New Delhi. Residents of an East Delhi colony were surprised to hear the pitch of the most famous bathroom singer in their colony change abruptly as he took a bath.

The residents of Aparna Apartments, Geeta Colony were shocked as the crooning voice that used to wake them up in the morning turned out to be more on the lines of Himesh Reshammiya than Mohd. Rafi.

“We are used to being woken up by Tadapit Kumarji singing in his deep baritone as he takes a bath to get ready for work,” Ramesh Prasad, an old shopkeeper said. “But today, what woke us up was a thin nasal voice that sounded like it was facing an imaginary mic and was coming from someone wearing an unfashionable cap. The tone was so nasal that I almost did not wake up today.”

When approached for a comment, this Faking News reporter could hear Tadapit Kumar shivering through the door at his flat’s entrance. “The thing is that I actually bathed today… ever since winter started I have been entering the bathroom and singing to make my family members believe that I was bathing,” he said, amid shivers. “And while singing, I would throw the bath water down the drain. But today I had an important meeting and had to actually take bath.”

“Bhai Pakistani Taliban ek taraf aur Dilli ki sardi ek taraf,” Tadapit concluded.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/mans-voice-changes-from-rafi-to-reshammiya-after-taking-bath-in-delhi-winter/

Book Review: Vengeance by George Jonas

'Vengeance' - a journalistic retelling of Mossad's elimination of terrorists involved in the Munich Olympics massacre of Israeli athletes - is a fantastic book. George Jonas takes one through a journey with his almost mythical Mossad hero "Avner" - a man who leads an eclectic team of spies as they execute the terrorists one by one.

Even though the book has been made into a movie ("Munich") and a fantastic movie at that, it still deserves to be read. To me, the book was less about Israel's vengeance itself but more about the journey of "Avner" who transforms from an army man, wet behind the ears to a spy to a Mossad dropout, denied pay and recognition by the very organization he put his life at risk for. And, you have to admire Mossad's gall - like the CIA or the FBI, Mossad's mandate and expertise extended (and still extends) beyond its physical boundaries; and that is remarkable for a country the size of a thumb on the map.

Jonas has a steady writing hand; 'Vengeance' is the kind of book that will make you forget that you had to sleep, eat or go to office. Gripping and highly recommended. I dare say the book is far better than the movie.

Book Review: Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

'Slaughterhouse Five' is a semi autobiographical account of Kurt Vonnegut's life as a Prisoner of War in Dresden when it was fire bombed. The book follows the life and times and travails of Billy Pilgrim, an unlikely protagonist, who goes from optometrist to soldier and back to optometrist again.

Poignant and funny in parts, the book was readable. I especially liked Vonnegut's irreverent nonchalance towards major events - built in to mirror the irreverent nonchalance of the Second World War: killing and maiming thousands here but leaving there a particular block of houses untouched somehow. The book is proclaimed a classic but there are several other far more poignant and bittersweet World War books than 'Slaughterhouse-Five'.

Had I perhaps not read 'The Book Thief' or Primo Levi's beautiful 'Survival in Auschwitz', I might have loved this book more. 'Slaughterhouse-Five' simply pales in comparison.

Book Review: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams is the absolute gold standard in comic writing. I have read Scott Adams, Terry Pratchett, etc. but Douglas Adams' incredibly funny writing shall stand the test of space and time and science and newly discovered planets/ species and schools made up of new comedy writers.

"Dirk Gently" is Adams' second book series after the astronomically funny and successful "Hitchhiker's Guide" series. It is perhaps because of the humungous success of the first series (the book, the radio show, the movie, the video game and the bath towel - as Adams likes to keep reminding everyone in each of his books), that "Dirk Gently" pales somewhat in comparison. For even though it is as funny (and sometimes more in sections... there is an especially funny hard to forget comical section about Dirk and his secretary), Adams fails to weave all the illogical nonsense together with his inimitable scientific logic and that leads to a sort of damp squib at the end.

The book is still quite readable; but coming from Adams, I just expected more. A measure of how funny the book actually was is that even though I thought the plot failed me, I have already purchased the next one in the 'Dirk Gently' series.

Ajay Devgan applies for Rs. 100 crore loan to ensure “Action Jackson” is labelled a “100 crore” grosser

I am genuinely happy that a so called 'blockbuster' has flopped. May it force our filmmakers to make watchable films!

Satire. 

Mumbai. After Action Jackson could only gross 40 odd crores in the first five days of his release, Ajay Devgan was located in the offices of one of India’s leading financial institutions. It was later discovered that Mr. Devgan had reached out to the bank for a loan.

“Yes it is true,” Chaddha, branch manager at the bank told Faking News. “Mr. Devgan walked into our branch looking for a loan. He told us that his movie Action Jackson wasn’t making money at all despite the usual Rohit Shetty-esque bullshit of having blown enough cars, him being shirtless and there being a girl in her undergarments virtually throughout the movie. He was quite distraught and was virtually begging us to give him a 100 crore loan.”

When asked if the bank did disburse him the loan, Chadha replied, “We would have two years ago. But now this RBI is too strict jee.” After taking a sip of his tea, he continued, “Jabse yeh Raghuram Rajan aaya hai, har loan pe upar ki kamai band hai.”


Meanwhile, Prabhu Deva reportedly had another take on the same problem. The dancer turned director has decided to watch his own movie fifty lakh times to ensure it makes 100 crores.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/ajay-devgan-applies-for-rs-100-crore-loan-to-ensure-action-jackson-is-labelled-a-100-crore-grosser/

Hosteller yet to bathe after having purchased six deodorants in last year’s Online Sale

Dedicated to all my hosteler friends... Satire.

Delhi: A final year student of an engineering college has become the first Indian to (officially) go a year without bathing. Tadapit Kumar, a BTech student in one of Delhi’s private colleges, achieved this milestone with the help of the six deodorants he purchased in last December Great Online Shopping Festival.

“I bought six deos for six rupees last year in this GOSF thing,” Tadapit said, as this reporter found him smelling surprisingly fresh for a man who hadn’t bathed in a year. “Since these were the ‘no gas waala’ deos they still haven’t run out. I still have more than two and a half bottles remaining.”

“Once I realized that the deos weren’t going to run out any time soon, I stopped bathing completely,” Tadapit continued. As for him entering the record books as the first Indian to go unbathed in a year, Tadapit said, “Oh that’s just because I am the only one with the guts to admit it. Nobody really ever bathes in the hostel except when they are drunk and somebody has to wake them up for an exam with a bucket full of water. It’s just that with these deodorants I never end up smelling bad; there are people in this hostel who smell worse than the open sewage dump in Bawana; yet they will never admit to having not bathed.”

“All this bathing nonsense is all due to peer pressure jee,” Tadapit concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/12/hosteller-yet-to-bathe-after-having-purchased-six-deodorants-in-last-years-online-sale/

Rahul Gandhi doing things

To my utter surprise (and eventual delight), I discovered that there is now an official "Rahul Gandhi" Facebook page. Also (not) surprisingly the page has a zillion funny photos of Rahul Gandhi. The middle aged youth leader fails miserably in looking anywhere close to serious in his pictures. But then again, anything Rahul Gandhi does or gets photographed doing (however serious or altruistic or theoretically cancer curing), becomes meme-worthy.

So below I reproduce RaGa doing things on his official FB page. To the credit of the Congress party, these were perhaps his best shots... a movie director really cannot do much if the lead actor in his movie is Arya Babbar.

 

Rahul Gandhi fighting with little kid for a biscuit

 Earlier: Same fight, same kid. (Before it got ugly)

RaGa shaking hands of random South Indian Congress guy using his wrist

RaGa trying hard not to laugh at how poor the bearded man is.

Dedicated Congress Youth worker answering RaGa's question - "How tall do you think I am?"

Blue sweater man absolutely horrified to be photographed with RaGa

RaGa shocked to find a man with a Manmohan colored turban speaking.

RaGa stealing "Playboy" banian when he thinks no one is looking in a garments shop

Later... RaGa executing a rampwalk in the same shop

RaGa angrily asking one of his constituents why she is still poor, when even his undereducated brother-in-law has made thousands of crores

Okay... RaGa probably told this guy he is a doctor or something (or slipped him a crore or two under the table). Hilariously dramatic pose!

You too can find Rahul Gandhi doing things at https://www.facebook.com/India.RahulGandhi. Also this Facebook page is NOT a parody page despite the inherent funniness of the photos. Enjoy!

Engineer decides to change his name to “Aamir Khan” so that he is given only one thing to do every year

Dedicated to India's very own male Oprah Winfrey... Satire.

 
Gurgaon: A software engineer based out of Gurgaon has taken the unprecedented step of changing his name to ‘Aamir Khan’ so that he needn’t have to do too much work in office. Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer for an MNC, took the decision after having worked 80 hour weeks and still received a “Needs improvement” on his annual appraisal.

“I worked eighty, sometimes hundred hour weeks this year, sometimes even on weekends,” Tadapit said, “and Chadhha still gave me a ‘Needs improvement’. So I have decided to improve myself. I am ‘Aamir Khan’ now for all practical purposes. I will do only one project every year instead of ten and maybe pose nude with a transistor in front of my privates.”

“Yes the news is true,” Chaddha said when approached by this Faking News reporter, his face in his hands. “Tadapit walked in to my cabin this morning and said he was no longer Tadapit Kumar but Aamir Khan now. He said he would only do one project every year.”

“And maybe also conduct one talk show in the office canteen, where he would pretend to care about other people,” Chaddha added, “He claims to be a perfectionist now, and since he’s perfect, we have accepted his demands.”

Meanwhile another engineer in the same company has decided to change his name to Salman Khan so that he is allowed to submit the same project in different fonts and folders every time.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/engineer-decides-to-change-his-name-to-aamir-khan-so-that-he-is-given-only-one-thing-to-do-every-year/

Inspired by actresses looking like birds after surgery, birds start demanding human nose transplants

I never understood why actresses pay big bucks to actually look worse... Satire.

Mumbai: The animal kingdom has reportedly taken notice of the plastic surgery mania amongst Bollywood actresses. After hundreds of Bollywood actresses underwent plastic surgeries that helped them get beak-like noses, birds have reportedly started demanding the ‘Bollywood actress’ look from plastic surgeons.

“It was our hospital that helped Nargis Fakhri look like a duck, Anushka Sharma like a sparrow, Priyanka Chopra like a crow and Rakhi Sawant who had a rather odd demand of looking like a human scarecrow,” Dr. Tadapit Kumar, a plastic surgeon at a leading Mumbai hospital said proudly. “But now, we are seeing a new trend, wherein there is a huge demand for human features in a massive cross section of bird species. We have ducks coming in everyday wanting the ‘Nargis Fakhri’ look and sparrows coming in wanting the ‘Anushka Sharma’ look. We cannot complain… any business is good business for us.”

“Earlier our business used to be 70% actresses who wanted to go from looking beautiful to looking like a bird, and 30% people who were rich enough to pay to look good before their wedding nights,” Dr. Tadapit continued. “But now bird surgeries form 80% of our topline. We have even managed to capitalise on the Rakhi Sawant look… We mass produce cut outs with her face on them and sell these as scarecrows to farmers.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/09/inspired-by-actresses-looking-like-birds-after-surgery-birds-start-demanding-human-nose-transplants/

To burn calories faster, man takes GPS Tracker for a drive

Dedicated to all my 'Facebook runner' friends... Satire.


Gurgaon: A Gurgaon based professional has adopted a unique strategy to tackle the peer pressure exerted on him to burn calories on social media, i.e. switching on his fitness app while driving to and from work. Tadapit Kumar, an MNC executive and IIM Ahmedabad passout, adopted the new strategy after realizing that his job didn’t permit him to burn as many calories as his Facebook friends.

“I am part of this Gurgaon Running and Living Group because my girlfriend forced me to join… And all these people with seemingly nothing else to do in life keep posting that they burnt 5000 calories after running 25 kilometres,” Tadapit said to this Faking News reporter agitatedly. “Arre bhai, if you can run 25 kilometres without stopping, toh gaadee bech do OLX pe. Use your legs to ferry yourself and other people from point A to point B. Why put such a stupid thing up on Facebook?”

“My Maruti Zen car has run 150,000 kilometres,” Tadapit added. “Do you see it posting this on Facebook? Burnt 20 million calories while ferrying owner around for 150,000 kilometres. Now help owner ‘fake’ burn calories so that his girlfriend would stop pestering him.”

“I work 80 hour weeks and need to conserve all the energy I have left after that to have sex with my girlfriend instead of running, so spare me this nonsense!” Tadapit exclaimed.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/09/to-burn-calories-faster-man-takes-gps-tracker-for-a-drive/

Man decides to do PhD on whether Dove is better or Milk

Seriously, who the F cares?

Satire.

Bhubaneshwar: Reports coming in from IIT Bhubaneshwar campus have confirmed that an engineer has decided to research an eternally burning question on Television – the effectiveness of Dove versus Milk.

Results awaited!

Tadapit Kumar, an IIT Bhubaneshwar graduate, has apparently taken the unprecedented step of giving up on his campus placement and deciding to a PhD.

“I have been seeing all these ads comparing Dove and milk ever since I was a little boy,” Tadapit said to this Faking News reporter, “so much so that I once added Dove to my Bournvita instead of milk in 12^th standard.”

“Anyway, after I got discharged from the hospital,” Tadapit continued, “I started preparing really hard for JEE and never got time to consider the question. Now that I have almost passed out of my four year course here, I finally have the time to go back to my first love… Dove vs. Milk.”

“I have already approached about 50 women asking them to apply milk on one side of their face and Dove on the other,” Tadapit said, “All of them slapped me. I am wondering if there is a scientific reason behind this.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/man-decides-to-do-phd-on-whether-dove-is-better-or-milk/

Engineer gets heart attack after getting better appraisal than pretty female colleague

Satire...

Gurgaon: A software engineer suffered a heart attack today on discovering that he had received a better appraisal rating than his pretty female colleague.

Tadapit, the software engineer in question, received an unprecedented “Outstanding” grade whereas Sheila, the pretty female colleague in question happened to receive merely an “Excellent”. Tadapit was lucid enough to give a statement though when this correspondent approached him in the hospital.

“Never… in… life… how?” Tadapit panted, before his doctors put him back on respiratory support.

“Not just Tadapit, all of us went into shock,” Murly, one of Tadapit’s teammates said. “Normally, Chadha reserves ‘Outstanding’ for Sheila, who he picks up and drops home everyday in his sedan, even though she lives in the house bang opposite our office. When we heard the news, we thought it was one of those clerical errors… then all of us checked if Tadapit had suddenly begun to look like a hot item dancer. When we realized that Tadapit’s rating was actually ‘Outstanding’ and that Tadapit looked very much like a normal software engineering male, all of us tried to check if Sheila had begun to look like a normal software engineering man. When that too did not transpire, we were left questioning the very fabric of our existence.”

“Even I have taken six Crocin’s,” Murly continued. “My B.P. was so high.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/06/engineer-gets-heart-attack-after-getting-better-appraisal-than-pretty-female-colleague/

Pratibha Patil registers formal protest against Narendra Modi visiting more countries than her

I miss Pratibha Patil not doing anything at all. Satire...

Delhi: India’s last President, Ms. Pratibha Patil, has registered a formal protest against India’s current Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, gathering more frequent flier air miles than her. Speaking to reporters in Delhi, Ms. Patil, who wantonly used the Indian political system as a de facto travel agency, said that she was afraid that soon Mr. Modi was going to surpass her in the number of tourist spots visited.

“I only visited 142 countries during my stint as the President of this country,” an unusually vocal Ms. Patil said. “At the rate at which Narendra Modiji is going, he will have visited more countries in one year than I did during my entire stint… And collected more frequent flier miles!”

“Rahul Gandhiji wouldn’t have had food at as many Dalit homes as the countries already visited by the current Prime Minister,” she added morosely.

Remembering old times wistfully she said, “Our pairing was best… Manmohan and mine. We could sit at a table in uncomfortable silence for hours. The only sound between us would be that of passing gas.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/04/pratibha-patil-registers-formal-protest-against-narendra-modi-visiting-more-countries-than-her/