Man steals 3D glasses from movie halls to try seeing real life in 3D

Inspired by a random comment overheard at a cinema hall. Satire.

Delhi: Today, Faking News managed to get in touch with a man who has been stealing 3D movie glasses from cinema halls for a few years, having managed to build an impressive collection of over fifty pairs of 3D glasses. The glasses range from the cheap swimming lesson type glasses offered at low grade movie halls to the thick sunglass like ones offered at the more premium establishments.

“Yes, I have been stealing these for a few years now,” the man told this Faking News reporter, on condition of anonymity. “The damn 3D movie tickets are so expensive that I think we should be offered these glasses complimentary anyway.”

“But I am disappointed with them,” he added. “Real life mein woh cinema hall walee feel hee nahin aatee inhe lagake.”

When this Faking News reporter tried explaining to the man that real life was already 3D (or three dimensional) as opposed to the two dimensional cinema screen, he looked confused for a moment and then smiled before saying, “You almost had me there.”

“Lolz,” he added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/31/man-steals-3d-glasses-from-movie-halls-to-try-seeing-real-life-in-3d/

Inspired by Kejriwal, Rahul Gandhi to sing instead of speaking at press conferences

And the Rahul Gandhi satire is back. Live long and prosper, Pappu!

New Delhi. Inside sources from within the Congress party have confirmed that Rahul Gandhi has decided to sing instead of speaking at all future press conferences. The move was apparently inspired by Arvind Kejriwal’s breaking into a patriotic song at the end of his oath taking ceremony speech.

“Rahul baba was really impressed by Kejriwal’s speech and asked us why we never wrote such speeches for him,” the source said on condition of anonymity. “He was so inspired that he has decided to sing out all his future speeches instead of just speaking normally, as his normal speeches tend to create a lot of controversy.”

“And Faking News articles,” the source added after some thought.

“Considering the recent mauling of Congress in state elections and its widespread dip in popularity, Rahulji is considering these radical steps,” the man said. “He might also take up twerking,” he added, referring to the arguably raunchy dance move made popular by Miley Cyrus.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/30/inspired-by-kejriwal-rahul-gandhi-to-sing-instead-of-speaking-at-press-conferences/

Delhi Police thank Abhishek Bachchan for accurate portrayal of policemen in Dhoom 3

If you value your brain cells, do not watch Dhoom 3. Just read the film's spoof on Vigil Idiot instead. There... I just saved you a thousand bucks.

New Delhi. Delhi Police released a statement today thanking Abhishek Bacchan for his accurate portrayal of the police force in Dhoom 3. The movie, which is well on its way to making 200 crores, stars Bollywood retirees Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra as cops.

“Despite wearing really big black sunglasses and flaunting expensive clothes and bikes that none of us can afford with our salaries, Mr. Abhishek Bachhan’s portrayal was quite accurate, given the fact that he managed to not catch any of the three thieves in the three Dhoom movies,” the statement said.

“We especially thank the makers of Dhoom 3 for this accurate depiction of the Indian police force. Earlier movies such as Singham and Dabangg had raised expectations too high from us in terms of catching villains and hitting them so hard that they flew into things made of glass,” Delhi police statement explained.

“But now with Dhoom 3, these expectations will hopefully become normal again,” the statement concluded, “In addition, people might give us more bribes so that we might buy superbikes worth 50 lakhs.”

Unconfirmed sources tell Faking News that the Delhi Police are so impressed with the movie that they are letting first time offenders go after they promise to watch Dhoom 3 in cinema halls and multiplexes.

“This could explain why the movie is doing well despite negative reviews,” a source claimed.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/delhi-police-thank-abhishek-bachchan-for-accurate-portrayal-of-policemen-in-dhoom-3/

Inspired by Bigg Boss, man starts speaking to his camera phone for hours everyday

Wrote this on the flight back home. Satire.
Dedicated to and inspired by Big Boss..


Gurgaon. A software engineer working for an IT firm has become the first documented case to suffer from what psychologists are beginning to call the “Big Boss Syndrome”.

Much like participants on the much watched show on the TV channel Colors, the man (called Rahul Raj) had started speaking into his (phone) camera for hours on end, about how things around him were making him feel.

“He called me a shithead and an asshole, while looking into his camera,” Rahul’s boss, Sanjay said, “But he told me later that he was sure that they would edit these parts later, before they aired it.”

“I really hope they do,” Sanjay added.

“He was a normal introvert software engineer until he started watching Bigg Boss,” one of Rahul’s colleagues said, “Now he just keeps saying random stuff about us or his boss into his phone’s camera. At times, he just breaks into a random song with his phone’s camera lens pointed at himself.”

“Maybe he feel trapped in his office, where he thinks that others are going to earn more than him by bitching about him,” a psychologist tried to diagnose Rahul’s behavior, “Or maybe he has just lost his mind after watching that shitty show.”

While psychologists are analyzing the causes, Faking News could witness this phenomenon live.

“There’s a guy in T shirt and pants here,” Rahul said into his camera, on spotting this Faking News reporter in the distance. “I wish I too could wear casuals to office.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/inspired-by-bigg-boss-man-starts-speaking-to-his-camera-phone-for-hours-everyday/

Congress requests people to wait a few months for Adarsh probe report files to go missing

How can you "set aside" a report tabled by a Panel appointed by you?

Satire.

Mumbai: The Congress party justified setting aside the Adarsh scam probe panel’s findings by stating that they needed some time to ensure the probe files went missing.

Reacting to Justice J. A. Patil’s accusation that the government rejected the report because it named four former Chief Ministers and several bureaucrats, a party spokesperson claimed that it was too soon to accept the report since they needed some time to ensure the probe files went missing.

The report tabled by a panel led by Justice Patil named former Congress Chief Ministers, Ashok Chavan, Sushilkumar Shinde and late Vilasrao Deshmukh. It also indicted Shivajirao Nilangekar Patil, who served as Revenue Minister when the building received clearances.

“It took us plenty of time to ensure that the Coalgate files went missing,” the spokesperson concluded. “Such things cannot be done in a hurry. It takes time, precision and plenty of political experience.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/24/congress-requests-people-to-wait-a-few-months-for-adarsh-probe-report-files-to-go-missing/

Women left stunned as TV soap comes to an end

Dedicated to the housewives of this country who have singlehandedly sustained the boring neverending TV soap industry.

Women across the country were stunned as a TV soap that had been running for five consecutive years came to an end. The show, named “Ballika Niharika Vadhu”, had been undergoing its fifteenth time jump when the makers suddenly announced their plans to end the serial.

Idiot Box

“I am so shocked,” Monika Singh, a housewife said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “I had been cutting vegetables in the afternoon with this TV soap playing in the background, for four and a half years now. The best part about it was that you didn’t really need to watch it to understand what was going on in the story. You could glean where the story was from the show’s ads playing in the evening, every now and then.”

“Now that it’s over, I am not sure how long my marriage will last,” Ms. Singh added. “After all, I have no idea what will happen to the original Ballika Vadhu’s great great great grandchild from her third marriage, who had died but managed to come back after a car accident.”

“Shouldn’t they at least have told us what happened to her?” she demanded angrily.

The makers of the show refused to come on record but one of them did admit, off the record, that the viewership of the show had fallen to five housewives and one cow in rural Gujarat. The man blamed the “Modi wave” for claiming the viewers of the show.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/18/women-left-stunned-as-tv-soap-comes-to-an-end/

Times Now pre poll survey predicts more pre poll surveys till May 2014

Tired of pre poll surveys. Wonder how many more we'll have to go through before national elections. 

Satire.

A pre poll survey conducted by Times NOW has predicted that there would be several more pre poll surveys before the general elections begin in the summer of 2014.

Many more to come.

“We thought of conducting a survey on the number of surveys, instead of electoral prospects of various parties, since our own channel’s surveys kept consistently missing the Modi wave,” a spokesperson for Times NOW said.

“Our survey shows that there will at least twenty more pre poll surveys before elections start in May 2014. Especially with no one forming a government in Delhi, re-elections in Delhi alone will contribute at least five more surveys standalone.”

“We are very happy and satisfied with the survey’s results,” Pranob Roy, a regular watcher of Times NOW said.

“Generally we calibrate the volume on our TV with Arnabda’s channel. Even on mute, our neighbours can hear Arnabda speaking. All of us, Bengalis, are so proud of him,” he added, gushing. “We are sure that even if the survey results are wrong, Arnabda will shout loud enough to make everything seem just right with the world.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/18/times-now-pre-poll-survey-predicts-more-pre-poll-surveys-till-may-2014/

Homosexuals admit sex much more exciting now, after SC’s ban

What can an SC ban do behind closed doors anyway? Satire.

Delhi: A large percentage of homosexuals have admitted that their sex lives have become far more gratifying, now that they know having gay sex is illegal.

Parobrita (name changed), a Bengali lesbian, who has been living with her “sister”, Sudipta (name changed) for ten years now in a posh south Delhi locality admitted the ruling had improved their sex lives manifold. “We have been living together for ten years now and frankly, the whole deal was beginning to get quite boring,” she said. “But now after the Supreme Court has made it illegal for us to have sex again, it is much more fun and gratifying.”

Rahul, a gay man, agreed. “It’s infinitely more fun now. In fact, I think the Supreme Court should ban sex in general so that even heterosexual people can have such fulfilling sex lives. I am sure the BJP will support that as well.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/17/homosexuals-admit-sex-much-more-exciting-now-after-scs-ban/

Man with “RIP Mandela” tweet in his drafts folder for ten years finally manages to post it

Dedicated to all my friends who posted "RIP Mandela". Satire.

Delhi: Pappu Prasad, a shopkeeper in East Delhi, finally got to tweet something that had been languishing in his drafts folder for about ten years. Pappu tweeted “RIP Mandelaji… but Tendulkar is better” from his Twitter handle “@IamPappuPrasadNotRahulGandhi”.

“I wrote an RIP Mandela tweet ten years ago but as soon as I was about to send it out, news started filtering in that he was getting better,” the man said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “Over the last few years, he has been going into hospital but getting better quickly and I could not post it.”

Expressing satisfaction over having made the tweet, Mr. Prasad said, “My Twitter feed is linked to my Facebook feed and the post got twenty five likes. I am so happy!”

When quizzed about how  Mandela had inspired him, he replied, “Arre kya yaar! He made that brilliant 400 not out. What an innings that was. He was almost as good as Tendulkar but bichara West Indies ke liye hee phaltoo mein khelta reh gaya.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/08/man-with-rip-mandela-tweet-in-his-drafts-folder-for-ten-years-finally-manages-to-post-it/

Delhiites celebrate AAP’s seats with liquor distributed by Cong, BJP before elections

Never understood how a day's supply of liquor would help people decide who to vote for.

Satire.

Delhi: After AAP’s strong showing in the Delhi elections, a large cross section of people was found inebriated in several parts of the city. It was reported that these people were celebrating and were high on liquor distributed by the two chief national parties before elections.

Though the distribution of liquor was prohibited and strongly regulated by the city police, several bottles of alcohol did manage to find their way to the hands of potential voters.

“It was very funny,” Pappu Prasad, a resident of North East Delhi said. “Someone from Congress came and distributed free liquor in our colony asking us to vote for Congress. Then someone from BJP came and gave us liquor too, asking us to vote for BJP as he had given us free liquor. Our colony eventually decided to vote for the Aam Admi Party and party with the liquor later on.”

“How stupid did they think we were?” he added. “Just because you give someone alcohol a day before elections, you think he will vote for you? Are we fifteen year olds?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/09/delhiites-celebrate-aaps-seats-with-liquor-distributed-by-cong-bjp-before-elections/

Rahul Gandhi claims he will claim to be a virgin too, if people come to his speeches

If Salman Khan can be a virgin, so can Rahul Gandhi. Satire.

Delhi: Shaken by the low turnout at his speeches, Rahul Gandhi has reportedly recently made himself available for Karan Johar’s eponymous show “Koffee with Karan”. In a letter written to the makers of the show, Mr. Gandhi said, “I am also a virgin because I don’t know how to do it properly yet. It was too complicated, like an intricate beehive, and I could not figure out what goes where.”

“Sometimes I also lost my self confidence,” Mr. Gandhi confessed.

Senior Congress leader, Digvijay Singh, confirmed the reports. “Yes he is saying the truth,” Mr. Singh said. “In our society you have to get married to have sex. Rahulji is unmarried- so he has to be a virgin. That said, I can vouch for the fact that he is sau tunch maal.”

Inspired by the newly released “R… Rajkumar”, Mr. Gandhi also offered to change his name to “R… Rahul” in his letter, adding that “I too can be silent or violent. But I am secular.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/08/rahul-gandhi-claims-he-will-claim-to-be-a-virgin-too-if-people-come-to-his-speeches/

Consultant beaten up by wife after trying to use consulting jargon at home

Couldn't resist poking fun at my consultant friends. They earn five times as much as me but sound five times funnier.

Gurgaon. A recently married consultant working for one of the big four consulting firms in India was found beaten black and blue in the wee hours of the morning by this Faking News reporter. Early investigations by this reporter have indicated that the man was beaten up by his wife when he tried to use consulting terms to describe their relationship.

“There was no provocation from my end at all. I have no clue why she hit me,” the IIM A passout said. “I just told her that the incremental ROI from our arranged union was not providing me the kind of deleveraging I had hoped for. Net net, we needed to blue sky the arrangement and sharpen our pencils till the rubber met the road. Plus, we had an imminent requirement to augment synergies arising from the merger to crystallize the fact that we didn’t end up putting lipstick on a pig.”

This reporter managed to catch hold of the wife as well, who defended her actions. “I have no clue what the English he speaks means,” she said. “Even when he asks me for food, he asks me to instrumentalize requisite victuals ASAP. Of course, it was only to be a matter of time before he got beaten up,” she justified her actions.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/consultant-beaten-up-by-wife-after-trying-to-use-consulting-jargon-at-home/

With election ads off air, Delhiites to finally switch radios on again

I can finally switch the radio back again now that the Delhi elections and their concomitant radio jingles are done with. Satire.

Delhi: Opinion polls conducted by various channels have shown that with elections in Delhi finally over, most Delhiites planned to switch their radios in cars or at home back on again.

Life back on track.

For a few months, radio channels had been inundated with politicians seeking votes, torturing aural senses with jingles and alternating between tall claims and accusations.

“All the past month has been 30% cut in this and 50% cut in that,” Rani Jhansi, a bored housewife said.

“Radio channels were making so much money from the elections that they would not play songs for a few hours but keep playing Congress, BJP and AAP ads on loop in the afternoons. The irritating ‘Rukegi nahi meri Dilli’ theme is stuck in my head now. I hope in the coming months, radio channels will begin to play music again,” she added further.

“It will be no better yaar,” Pappu Prasad, another Delhiite said. “Now that elections are over, Noida property ads and Honey Singh’s songs will start again. I would rather listen to the honking of cars around me.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/with-election-ads-off-air-delhiites-to-finally-switch-radios-on-again/

Kapil Sibal threatens to post selfies if journalists keep asking him about his Tehelka stake

I just learnt what a "selfie" means. That led to this.


New Delhi: Union Minister for Law, Kapil Sibal, who happened to join Twitter recently, recently tweeted something that triggered a wave of mass panic and hysteria across the country. In a tweet made at 8:13 AM today, Mr. Sibal said- “Rahulji jst told me wat selfie means. Will post endless selfies soon if u kp askng abt my shares in Tehelka.”

The tweet caused a wave of panic to sweep across the nation with people ranging from office goers to college students shuddering at the thought of an endless stream of Mr. Sibal’s pics.

“You see I had this intense desire to hit on one of my colleagues a month back but then I saw a Sibal pic with all those eyebrow hair,” a corporate sector employee said. “My sexual desire has never recovered since. An endless stream of his selfies would be as good as castration for me.”

Meanwhile, foreign governments and even terrorist outfits ranging from the Tehreek-e-Taliban to Al Qaeda have reached out to the Indian government appealing for calm on the Kapil Sibal selfie front. “We appeal to the Indian government to put an end to this homegrown terror,” a statement released by Al Qaeda said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/01/kapil-sibal-threatens-to-post-selfies-if-journalists-keep-asking-him-about-his-tehelka-stake/

Sheila Dikshit promises world class traffic jams if voted to power again in Delhi

Inspired by a massive jam a kilometre away from my home. Satire.

Delhi: In a pre poll speech in Delhi, Sheila Dikshit claimed that the Congress government still had much to give to the citizens of Delhi after scams and inflation. Talking about Congress’ “hand” in the development of the city state, Ms. Dikshit claimed that her government would gift the city a marquee world class traffic jam if voted back to power again.

“There was a ten day long traffic jam in China whereas here in Delhi, we have managed at best six hour long traffic jams,” Ms. Dikshit said. “I promise that if we are voted to power again we will plan the construction of more BRTs, metro lines and flyovers so haphazardly that Delhi too shall have a world class traffic jam that shall rival China’s famous jam.”

Reacting to the opposition’s claims that the Congress government was responsible for high inflation in the capital, Ms. Dikshit reacted sharply, “Inflation is all part of an economic cycle. People must understand that I am a common housewife too and have been affected by inflation too… I now travel in a Honda City instead of a BMW to save on fuel expenses.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/01/sheila-dikshit-promises-world-class-traffic-jams-if-voted-to-power-again-in-delhi/

HR gifts tarazus to employees demanding work-life balance

Dedicated to my friends in consultancy firms, I-banks...

Mumbai: At a prominent BKC based consultancy firm, the Human Resources department has come up with a unique solution to deal with persistent employee complaints regarding work-life balance. The department handed out tarazus (weighing scales) with “Work” written on one side and “Life” on the other to all of its thousand employees.

“All these new MBA types kept pestering us for a better work life balance,” a senior HR manager in the firm said on condition of anonymity.

“They have to understand this is not bloody Europe with 4 hour workdays and 30 hour work weeks. If you want to earn money here in India, you have to sit late in office clearing out that urgent spreadsheet your boss needlessly committed to the client he would send by end of day. This speed of delivery helps our clients appreciate the speed and passion that is integral to our organization’s culture, even if most of the spreadsheet is a work of fiction.”

Pappu Prasad, a 2009 passout from IIMA, who joined the firm from campus attracted by the salary package and the fact that the company was so hard to get into (having had eleven interview rounds), trashed the weighing balance in front of this reporter.

“What will I do with this?” he exulted angrily. “Damn HR guys keep doing these tick mark activities to look busy. I haven’t seen my wife properly in three years. In fact I have serious doubts if our baby is mine, considering I haven’t had any kind of relations with my wife in three years.”

“You can even report my damn name in your news report,” he added. “I am going to go and smash this tarazu on someone’s head now.”

A few zombies/ consultants working for the firm, accosted this Faking News reporter as he got off the lift, murmuring quietly to him, “Help us please.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/28/hr-gifts-tarazus-to-employees-demanding-work-life-balance/

UPA expected to respond to Modi’s Sardar Patel statue with 5000 foot tall Honey Singh statue

Incredible amount of politics over a long dead leader's statue. Satire.


Delhi: Inside sources from within Congress party headquarters have revealed that the party would soon come out with its response to Narendra Modi’s proposed statue of Sardar Patel with a statue project of its own. However none of the Congress’ allies could agree to a common figure whose statue could be built.

“Every regional party in the mix wants a statue of their own leader,” a Congress source said on condition of anonymity. “Mamta Didi wants a statue of herself. Mulayam Singh Yadav wants a Mulayam Singh Yadav statue,” he said. “Only two people did not ask for statues of themselves- Madam Mayawati who said that she already has enough statues to last her a thousand lifetimes and Rahul Gandhi, who for whatever reason, asked for a Krishh statue. He really loves kids’ movies you see.”

“I have no clue what they’ll all finally agree to,” the source said, “But Honey Singh seems to have a good chance. He’s a top class guy… whenever there are crimes against women, we blame his songs for causing them. And he takes it sportingly. In fact he releases songs which are even more misogynistic thereafter.”
“I think we’ll put the statue up in Delhi,” he added. “Then Sheilaji can easily say the situation is not in her hands… but in those of Honey Singh.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/20/upa-expected-to-respond-to-modis-sardar-patel-statue-with-5000-foot-tall-honey-singh-statue/

Man sells all off ancestral land to buy land in Farmville

Dedicated to all those who sent me Farmville requests.

Gurgaon: Rajesh Mishra, a forty year old senior executive working for a software MNC in Gurgaon, has become the first man in the world to sell off all his physical assets to buy virtual property.

This farm has more returns these days.

“I got hooked onto the game four years ago when I got promoted to Vice President and had to attend an average of five team meetings in a day,” Mr. Mishra said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “All these meetings were part of some ‘3.0’ strategy that my company had mandated. However, within one year of these meetings, I was so bored that I came close to committing suicide. It was at this point that Farmville entered my life.”

“But now over the past four years and ten thousand team meetings, I have managed to reach Elite Platinum Gold Tier level in Farmville,” Mr Mishra added. “I have sold off all my ancestral land and properties to buy my way to this level but at least I am not suicidal anymore.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/18/man-sells-all-off-ancestral-land-to-buy-land-in-farmville/

Indian Mujahideen requests Government for special status amongst terror outfits

Terrorist organizations need 'special statuses' too. 

Satire.

Delhi: With several of its top operatives caught and investigative agencies breathing down its neck, the Indian Mujahideen has asked the Indian government to bestow special status upon it. The organization claimed that, like the Bihar government, it cannot sustain its growth rate without special support from the government.

Since attacking Indian cities doesn’t seem to evoke any reaction from govt, IM has threatened to drone attack its own hideouts if demands are not met.

“We are a completely Indian outfit and like all Indian branches of Multi National Organizations, we have been severely impacted by this 4% growth rate and high inflation rate here in this country,” a senior operative said, on condition of anonymity. “How can we buy material for making bombs when the entire budget we get goes into buying onions and tomatoes and now evensalt? We are trying to kill Indians to avenge some killings in a context that I have forgotten about, but this inflation is killing us in turn.”

When quizzed about future plans in case the outfit went bankrupt, the operative replied, “I don’t know. I think we will begin hoarding onions and tomatoes now… that is where the real terrorist action is these days.”

However Indian Mujhaideen is confident that as long as Congress led UPA govt is there and there are generous leaders like Sushil Kumar Shinde to take care of their needs, nothing can hamper their spirit.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/18/indian-mujahideen-requests-government-for-special-status-amongst-terror-outfits/

UPA to reserve “Right to dream” for Gandhi family

Dedicated to the dreams of the Gandhi family. Satire.

After claiming that various things that happened to India were the dreams of Rajiv Gandhi or Indira Gandhi or Jawaharlal Nehru or Motilal Nehru, the UPA government has issued a press release noting the “Right to dreaming” would soon be reserved exclusively for the Nehru/ Gandhi family.

Rahul seeing yet another dream.

Digvijay Singh, senior Congress leader and jester-in-chief at Race Course Road said, “We want only secular forces in this country to dream… and until we are sure that no communal dreaming is happening, we are reserving the right to dream for Sonia madamji, Rahul Gandhiji, Priyanka Gandhiji, Robert Vadraji and the progeny of Vadraji and Priyankaji.”

When quizzed over what the Congress party would do if Rahul Gandhi happened to suddenly declare this move ‘nonsense’ as well, Mr. Singh replied, “We will of course, retract the move and claim that was our plan all along. We are more flexible than the BJP, you see,” Digvijay Singh said. “We have the perpetual capacity to stoop even lower.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/18/upa-to-reserve-right-to-dream-for-gandhi-family/

Shakespeare’s ghost makes appearance; requests Bollywood to stop stealing his stories

I wish filmmakers allowed Shakespeare's stories to die, once and for all. After all, we already know all the endings!

Mumbai: Late last night, the ghost of William Shakespeare was captured and thereafter interviewed on India TV. The ghost revealed that he was tired of filmmakers stealing off his stories to make movies and requested them to come up with their own scripts.

“They just keep stealing my stories and making movies again and again on them,” the ghost said. “Everybody already knows the story; what is the point of making movies about them again and again?” he added, especially with reference to the now extremely overused “Romeo & Juliet” story.

“What strikes terror into my heart the most is an Indian filmmaker called Ram Gopal Verma,” the ghost said. “I am afraid he will take notice of my stories too and end up making some terrible movie with a name like James or Shiva basing it on one of my stories. Oh God! If that happens, I will end up dying again!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/17/shakespeares-ghost-makes-appearance-requests-bollywood-to-stop-stealing-his-stories/

Rahul Gandhi claims his dreams enabled Sachin to score half century in his last test

Rahul Gandhi, you have better things to do than watch cricket. Make speeches, barge into press conferences, remember 'mummy', 'papa', 'dadee', etc. 

Satire.

In a pre election rally speech in Madhya Pradesh, Rahul Gandhi has claimed that he had dreamt of Sachin Tendulkar scoring a half century. He also claimed that had his “papa” and “dadi” been alive, together the three of them would have managed to dream enough for Tendulkar to score a double century in his last innings as an Indian cricket player.

Rahul was even generous enough to share the pic where he can be seen sleeping and dreaming. Though Gandhi's don't need to sleep to dream; they are gifted.

“I dreamt of Sachin scoring a century but he fell short by just 26 runs,” Rahul Gandhi said. “Maybe it’s because the crowds began chanting Modi Modi when I walked in and that disturbed Sachin’s secular shot selection. Had papa and dadi been alive, Sachin would have made 200 easily with the power of our dreams.”

When asked about Sonia Gandhi’s point of view on the matter, Mr Gandhi said, “Mummy was sick, so I could not ask her what she dreamt about.”

After Rahul’s speech, Digivijay Singh, not one to turn down an opportunity to entertain, added, “I also dreamt of Rahulji dreaming the dream that helped Sachin make the runs. And see the power of the dream… Sachin fell only 26 runs short. Just like the GDP growth rate of this country… which is just 5 percentage points short of 9%.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/16/rahul-gandhi-claims-his-dreams-enabled-sachin-to-score-half-century-in-his-last-test/

WHO reports massive illness outbreak in Indian corporate sector on erstwhile Muhurram holiday

The Muhurram holiday confusion gave the satirist in me something to satirize about.

Dedicated to all those people who had to cancel their movie/ long weekend bookings because of the moon changing alignment suddenly.

The World Health Organization has come out with a disease alert specifically for the Indian corporate sector for Thursday 14^th November 2013. The organization noted that an incredible number of corporate sector employees fell temporarily sick on Thursday- which was originally supposed to be the holiday for Muhurram.

Muharram being celebrated with joy and happiness across India.

Almost all HR Managers Faking News tried to reach out to were on holiday themselves, citing illnesses ranging from cough & cold to the impact of the gravitational pull of the Muhurram moon impacting their delicate health balance. A single HR person found working for XYZ Consultants who was reachable, blamed the Indian government for arbitrarily shifting the holiday at short notice, causing long weekend plans of employees to fall into disarray. “They should try such tricks with other communal festivals like Diwali and Holi otherwise secular people wont spare them,” the HR said.

“I myself had planned to go to Lonavala on the day,” the manager who was reachable said, “But now I am (cough cough) sick because of the Muhurram moon is in effect and forced to be working from home.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/16/who-reports-massive-illness-outbreak-in-indian-corporate-sector-on-erstwhile-muhurram-holiday/

CBI disappointed with being declared legal again, forced to cancel “Teen Patti” tournament

The travails of our "Caged" Bureau of Investigation are incredible. Satire.

After a Supreme Court order stayed the Guwahati High Court order that had given CBI officers time to take a break from investigations, Ranjit Sinha- the director of the CBI- expressed his regret at the development. Apparently, in the two days that the agency had ceased working, the organization had gone ahead and set up an interdepartmental “Teen patti” tournament which it would now be forced to cancel.

Speaking to reporters from outside his cage office, Ranjit Sinha said, “We are all tired of all these cases and investigations where the government asks us to stop investigating and the Supreme Court asks us to keep investigating. Frankly, we were all rejoicing after the Guwahati High Court, in all its wisdom, declared us unconstitutional. I finally thought we would have a chiledl life like the Ministry of Culture or Rahul Gandhi.”

“We had even deputed our best sleuths to organize a teen patti tournament which we are now being forced to cancel,” Mr. Sinha added morosely. “We even bought one lakh packs of cards at zero loss rates. What will we do with them now?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/12/cbi-disappointed-with-being-declared-legal-again-forced-to-cancel-teen-patti-tournament/

Kyazoonga found to be owned by famous small farmer

The now famous ticketing portal placed a banner on their main page assuring cricket lovers that the tickets meant for them were being put to good use.

Satire.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/12/kyazoonga-found-to-be-owned-by-famous-small-farmer/

Man clicks on festive offer ad online, buys island by mistake

There's this BJP ad that has been chasing me across sites somehow. I understand the cookie based algorithm. I despise it chasing me relentlessly. Satire.

New Delhi: A bored software engineer in Gurgaon became the first Indian to purchase an island after he clicked an ad that said “Unbeatable festive offer” online. In a strange twist, the small island, located somewhere to the south of the Lakshwadeep islands, happened to be owned by the same company he worked for.

The banner, he clicked on, was something like this

However, Mangat Ram, a trainee engineer at ABC Software, was none too pleased with the development.

“They tell me I can pay off the cost of the island in six lakh easy EMIs,” he said, looking shell-shocked, “What could I have done? The ad was so shiny and bright and this really cute looking girl in the ad kept asking me questions, which I don’t really remember. I just kept clicking on ‘Yes’.”

“We were buying a lot of assets before the Lehmann crisis of 2008 and just could not offload all of them like this island,” a senior HR executive for the company said, in a telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter, “Plus, earlier this year we realized that most of our employees were spending their time on Facebook or Cricinfo or Faking News instead of actually working. So we customized an online ad targeted on our company servers to offload the island.”

“The employee in question is a trainee engineer and has been offered a Pay 20% now and rest on possession scheme,” the HR executive added, “As the click on the ad is a binding contract, we realize that the employee will have to work for us for 20,000 years to pay off the installments for purchasing the island. So we have allowed him to lease us his progeny so that they might work for us for the 20,000 man years required to purchase the island.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/man-clicks-on-festive-offer-ad-online-buys-island-by-mistake/

I&B Ministry asks news channels to air Big Boss type reality shows with Congress leaders

The Congress govt of the date reminds me of George Orwell's books that were decades ahead of their time. And our grand old party is decades behind its time. 

Satire.

The Information & Broadcasting Ministry has issued an advisory to news channels asking them to focus on covering Congress leaders only, in a Big Boss kind of format, instead of featuring on communally divisive leaders.

“We do not understand why these news channels cannot just focus their time and energy covering young dynamic leaders like Rahul Gandhiji or Manish Tewariji or Digvijay Singhji as they go about their daily activities,” a spokesperson from the I&B Ministry said. “After all, the world needs to know how the people misgoverning our country spend the better part of their days.”

The government owned TV channel, Doordarshan, which most people haven’t watched in the last fifteen years, has already started preparing to implement the move. “Instead of Big Boss, we will call the show Zero Loss or something like that to emphasize that no state exchequer funds or resources will be wasted in covering Congress leaders 24 by 7,” a spokesperson for Doordarshan said.

While most news channels protested against the move, portals such as Faking News welcomed it. “We get twenty articles every time Rahul Gandhi makes a speech,” Pagal Patrakar, the Editor in Chief of Faking News said. “Imagine the kind of content we will get is somebody is covering him 24 hours a day. Instead of people like Rakesh Roshan, I will be sitting on 200 crores!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/10/ib-ministry-asks-news-channels-to-air-big-boss-type-reality-shows-with-congress-leaders/

Congress declares Krishh 3 songs unconstitutional as well after opinion polls

The songs of Krissh 3 suck. Big Time. Couldn't resist... Satire.

The Congress led UPA government continued on its spree of declaring things unconstitutional and issuing haphazard diktats by issuing a warning to the makers of Krissh 3. Reports suggest that the warning was issued for having too many weird songs in the movie.

In a move that harks back to the Indira Gandhi Emergency days, the government issued a stern notification to cinema halls forbidding them from playing the songs. Makers of the movie which has such classics as “God Allah aur Bhagwaan ne banaya ek insaan” and a dance number oddly titled “Raghupati Raghav Raja Raam” termed the reports as speculation, however.

“The songs are preposterously, outlandishly and ridiculously lyricized by what appears to be a ten year old tea stall boy serving the beverage to Rakesh Roshan,” I&B Minister Manish Tewary said in a press release. “It is ridiculous that the movie has already made 200 crores and here at the Centre, we are still operating at zero loss business models, making nothing at all.”

Reports suggested that cinema halls have been asked to either mute the songs when they play or play Rahul Gandhi’s speeches along with visuals of the songs. It appears Kangana Ranaut/ Priyanka Chopra will soon be gyrating to any one of Rahul Gandhi’s masterpieces, ranging from the “mummy” speech to the “bee hive” speech to the “escape velocity” speech.

“We employed five MBA- Control C, Control V- types for writing the script and they managed to copy all the best sequences from English movies,” Rakesh Roshan, the man largely to blame for the assault on everyone’s senses, said. “But after paying these bloody MBAs we had no money left over for hiring decent songwriters.”

“Even if the order comes to pass, you see, my understanding is that both Rahul Gandhi and Krissh 3’s songs are ahead of their time,” Rakesh Roshan said, signaling that he was either OK with the move or had already made too much money from the movie to care. “So the audiences do not appreciate their worth right now. Anyhow you see how twenty years later, people will begin appreciating the artistic beauty of Krissh 3.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/09/congress-declares-krishh-3-songs-unconstitutional-as-well-after-opinion-polls-goldman-sachs-namo-speeches/

Pak requests US drones to attack only civilians, not terrorists

Found Pakistan's response to this hilarious. Decided to satirize it.

Islamabad, Pakistan. After a US Drone attack killed Hakimullah Mehsud, the head of the Pakistani Taliban, Pakistan has requested USA to attack only civilians and spare the terrorists for maximum impact.

Many in Pakistan are outraged that this guy was killed in a drone attack

“What’s the point of making life tougher for everyone?” Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif argued, “Look, everyone, from Imran Khan to Iran and China, is condemning the latest attack even though drone attacks have been going on for years.”

“I don’t know why Obama is behaving like a dehati aurat and spoiling it all,” Mr. Sharif is reported to have said, but the use of the word “dehati aurat” is disputed.

Later talking exclusively to Faking News, Pak PM confirmed that he has spoken with the US president and asked him to “take it easy”.

“Pakistan has ample population and we can afford losing a few civilians, but after losing Osama Bin Laden, we have very few world class terrorists left in the country. US should understand this if they want to continue operating in this area.”

Trying to reassure the terrorist community, Sharif added, “There is no need to panic. All mujahideens will be safe in Pakistan. We have explained to the USA why they shouldn’t attack the mujahideens.”

“You cannot keep killing terrorists if you want sustained peace in the region and a resolution to the Kashmir problem,” Sharif is reported to have explained to Obama.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/pak-requests-us-drones-to-attack-only-civilians-not-terrorists/

Snowden reveals Rahul Gandhi’s phone intercepts gave him reason to live

All that talk of leaked intercepts and no mention of the nation's son? 

Satire.

Edward Snowden, the ex US military man famous for leaking several US state secrets, has now revealed that Rahul Gandhi’s phone intercepts gave him the strength to take on the mighty United States machinery.
Snowden said in a phone conversation with this Faking News reporter that Rahul Gandhi’s intercepts gave him and still give him motivation to live everyday.

“His phone conversations gave a new meaning to my life, they made me feel alive,” Snowden said. “I must say I have read the Faking News website and have found that Rahul’s actual conversations are a thousand percent more entertaining.”

When asked which conversation he found most entertaining, Snowden said there were so many that it had become difficult to choose. “Mr. Gandhi would usually call up random people to try and convince them to vote for the Congress party,” he said, amidst peals of laughter.

“After that, he would end up trying to get himself invited to their house to have food there. What would happen after that is incredibly funny. Some people would hang up the phone but most would use incredibly colorful swear-words for him.”

“After that, Mr. Gandhi would mostly end up crying loudly on the phone wailing Mummy Mummy,” Snowden added laughing. “Still lights me up everytime.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/01/snowden-reveals-rahul-gandhis-phone-intercepts-gave-him-reason-to-live/

“Online Viagra for Free” virus to be Congress’ next Prime Ministerial candidate

My Rahul Gandhi satirical post of the day.

New Delhi. Inside sources from within the Congress party has revealed that with Rahul Gandhi refusing to be named as the party’s Prime Ministerial candidate, the party has decided to name an online virus called “Online Viagra for Free” as its official Prime Ministerial candidate for 2014 polls. The party is expected to officially launch the virus in a press conference later this month.

“No antivirus in the world has been able to kill this virus and it comes from a long dynasty of successful viruses,” a source within the Congress said, on condition of anonymity. “It has even been posting articles on Faking News consistently which the idiotic editors of the site keep deleting for some reason.” When asked why people like him in the Congress party read Faking News, the source replied, “Oh! It’s the best way to keep in touch with what Rahul baba has said during the day.”

“Whatever you say about the virus, it is consistent,” the man added. “It keeps sending you emails, it keeps trolling Hindu nationalists and keeps posting random comments on blogs even though by and large no one takes note of it. Here in the Congress party, we really like leaders who keep making meaningless comments consistently.”

Sources suggest that the virus faced stiff competition from other online viruses such as “Urrgs Sexo Bozo” and “Nude pics online” but made it because of its secular credentials.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/31/online-viagra-for-free-virus-to-be-congress-next-prime-ministerial-candidate/

After Micromax, Hugh Jackman to be brand ambassador for Onions

Wolverine daa for Onions... Satire


New Delhi. The Food Ministry has revealed that with the prices of onions refusing to come down, they have given up on the food item and decided to hire Hugh Jackman as the brand ambassador for the vegetable to make it appear worth the price.While there were no comments from Jackman’s side, Union Food Minister K. V. Thomas confirmed the move.

“Yes we have hired Jackman aka Wolverine daa,” Thomas said to this Faking News reporter. “After Micromax hired him, everybody is taking them seriously and thinking Micromax phones are worth the price. Now with Wolverine daa endorsing onions for us, people will start appreciating the vegetable too. After all, a lot of middlemen put in a lot of effort to hoard the vegetable and it needs to be appreciated,” he explained.

“Wolverine daa also has a lot of claws, with which he can cut the onions easily, making him the ideal brand ambassador,” Thomas added, “People should stop worrying about the price rise and see how cool is it to buy and cut onions.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/after-micromax-hugh-jackman-to-be-brand-ambassador-for-onions/

Emergency meeting called to plan scam after 4000 Crores of minerals discovered in Bundelkhand

Couldn't resist. Satire.

Calculating the amount to be distributed?

Immediately after the department of mineral and mines found a treasure trove of minerals in Bundelkhand worth Rs 4,000 crore, the PMO has reportedly called for an emergency meeting of the cabinet. The meeting was called to discuss the best way to organize a scam to pocket the money quickly and thereafter, distribute it equitably amongst the various political allies of the UPA.

“This meeting is extremely imperative to the smooth functioning of the delicate UPA alliance,” a junior cabinet minister said, on condition of anonymity. “There has not been a proper scam for a long time now, running into thousands of crores. What is the point of a hundred crore scam? After distributing equally amongst all the ministers, all you get is a few crores. Even a Mayback costs five crores… what is the point of doing a scam then?”

The minister added they had had high hopes from Unnao but all that they had discovered underneath was a sleeping Bappi Lahiri, wearing his usual ten kilograms of gold.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/29/emergency-meeting-called-to-plan-scam-after-4000-crores-of-minerals-discovered-in-bundelkhand/

Inspired by Modi, consultants decide to begin presentations with “Mitron”

Modi bashing & Rahul bashing together.

Now I am certified secular.


Gurgaon: The Modi wave seems to have finally caught up with the corporate world. The cream of consulting firms in India have decide to better embed themselves with Indian culture by inserting terms like “Mitron”, “Shahzade” and “Hindu nationalist” in their presentations.

“We make a lot of presentations to clients and they are not very polite to us all the time,” a consultant said, on condition of anonymity.”Often they ask us questions like how have you arrived at this suggestion, the answer to which most of the times is that our part time janitor/ summer intern copy pasted it from Google. So we have decided to begin every slide in our presentation addressing our clients as “Mitron”. We feel it will give a significantly more friendly vibe to the meetings and reduce unwanted interjections.”

Ironically, Congress has hired a couple of the same top consultants to help formulate a strategy to defeat Modi. Reports suggest that the party has explicitly asked for the presenters to drop such words from their meetings. However, per an inside source, Congress was open to the use of other words like beehive, escape velocity, Jupiter and anger management.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/28/inspired-by-modi-consultants-decide-to-begin-presentations-with-mitron/

Sonia Gandhi expresses displeasure at the ending of “Lunchbox”

Has Sonia Gandhi ever expressed an opinion except displeasure? Satire.


New Delhi: After weeping due to the Batla House encounter, the impasse over the food security bill, defeat of a candidate in Bangalore, lack of unity in the Kerala Congress, the amount of masala in her McMasala burger, etc. Sonia Gandhi has reportedly expressed her displeasure over the ambiguous ending of “Lunchbox”.

“Sonia madam did not understand Lunchbox,” Salman Khurshid, official spokesperson for Sonia Gandhi’s unhappiness episodes said. “She explicitly expressed her displeasure over the ambiguous ending and did not leave the cinema hall for thirty minutes after the movie ended, thinking some reasonable ending would be shown. Either Irrfan Khan dies in a terrorist blast on the Bombay local or catches up with the affair-waalee lady and goes to Bhutan with her.”

”They could have at least shown an ending with a couple of shots in Bhutan… or shown Irrfan’s severed limbs after the bomb blast,” Mr. Khurshid added. “Madamji left the hall weeping, unable to understand why she had not understood the movie. It also gave her severe acidity.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/28/sonia-gandhi-expresses-displeasure-at-the-ending-of-lunchbox/

The death of Indian TV and why Ekta Kapoor must be polished off

When I think of growing up, my memories are inextricably linked to the shows on TV that I had lunch or dinner with. Barring a short phase where I watched cartoons with lunch, my life revolved around being up to date with the latest episodes of TV shows. I remember Shreeman Shrimati, Kartavya, Dekh Bhai Dekh, Just Mohabbat, Ghar Ek Mandir, Ek  Mahal Ho Sapnon Ka, Banegi Apni Baat, Hum Paanch, etc.

I think back and try to mathematically deduce what went wrong with Indian TV serial programming over the years. How and why did Indian TV manage to give up on its end consumers- and become like political parties- all of whom can be painted with the same brush. Corrupt, staid, rigid and boring.

Perhaps our idea of TV was different then (ten years ago)- programming options were limited. There were four channels then- you had to watch what they showed. Yet I must say that even today when I happen to catch an old TV program I find it remarkably entertaining. Half of that I attribute to nostalgia but the other half I have to attribute to a superiority of content. Today’s TV shows are all about formulae- good woman, good man, vamp and mother in law plus some drum bashing and irritating close up shots of the characters’ faces.

The greatest achievement for a TV show is to get its viewers hooked… so hooked that they will take sick leaves, cancel doctors’ appointments, etc. to catch it. But getting people hooked on to a sequential show (in which you need to watch from the first or the second episode to understand the show completely or alternately watch at least two to three episodes to get the hang of the story) is tough. In today’s TV business, when you are competing with western channels and news it makes more sense to reproduce a saas bahu format that sells, plug in half decent eye-candies (the kind on Big Boss these days) and package it in the same old mediocre hindi GEC TV show format. Because taking on the westerners on content will take too much monetary and creative brawn.

Building a fanbase for a show takes time, money, effort and good writers: all of which Indian TV programming desperately lacks. There is no dearth of talent in this country but I think most of it is getting sucked up into non TV (Bollywood/ films) or worse, getting MBAs and becoming corporate stooges. The TV serial business stooges have now become like media planners in advertising- pushing out mechanical, almost identical media plans for one brand after the other. Identical serials for one channel after the other. Identical saas bahu sagas.

Notice the shows that do extremely well on Indian TV today. Kapil Sharma’s eponymous show, Big Boss, KBC, et al. They are all shows that you needn’t catch every episode of. That is why Ekta Kapoor has ensured our TV shows have come to. We (and by we, I mean my generation) have simply lost faith in the capacity of hindi TV programming to entertain. My generation has lost faith in hindi TV so much that they believe that they needn’t really catch every episode because even if you switch on one week or one month down the line, the story will still be there. Or even if the story has changed, the show will still exist, refusing to end- going through generation leaps, facial transplants and actor retrenchments.

The great thing about great stories is that they end. Great movies, great books are great because in the end there is, in magical terms, a prestige- a final act that blows your mind away. Think here of the final scene from Hurt Locker with Xhibit’s Where's Bin Laden playing and adrenaline junkie Jeremy Renner walking off into the dust of Iraq.

Mind. Frigging. Blown.

The greatest failure of Indian TV storytelling today is that it is not designed to end. It is designed to continue, making money for listed production houses, selling advertising space for the channel, ensuring the corporate stooge earns his salary. With everything now monetized, with there being far too many consultants and MBAs, every TV serial is now more a potential cash cow than a source of entertainment for you and me.

It’s not like the good old days. When TV was fun and games.

Sigh.

CBI instructed to forget about missing coal files; investigate missing Krishh 2

Krishh 3 is going to suck. Big time. But for now let me ridicule our administration. Again.

Satire.

After being asked to go slow on Manmohan Singh in the Coalgate scam, the Central Bureau of Investigation has been asked to occupy its time better by investigating more important cases such as the absence of a Krishh 2 between Krishh 1 and Krishh 3. CBI Director Ranjit Singh aka “Caged Parrot” confirmed the news report.

“The government is really perturbed by the fact that we are targeting all these politicians, bureaucrats and industrialists continuously,” Mr. Singh said. “So we have been asked to investigate more worthy cases, like the absence of a Krishh 2. Madame Sonia Gandhi was especially perturbed by our investigations and has left the Parliament house weeping on several occasions because of this.”

“We are also looking for the Cosco ball Rahul Gandhiji lost while playing gully cricket with Indira Gandhi’s bodyguards in 1980,” Mr. Singh said. “We have discovered ten thousand two hundred and twenty three lost Cosco balls so far but Rahulji has not yet been able to identify the correct ball. But we are making significant progress every day in this case as well.”

“One of the theories we are working on is that he hit it too hard and it attained escape velocity,” he added.

my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/10/26/cbi-instructed-to-forget-about-missing-coal-files-investigate-missing-krishh-2/