After Aditi Restaurant all currency notes to have jokes

My satirical reaction to the Youth Congress' misplaced enthusiasm.

Taking a leaf out of the book of the restaurant its youth workers shut down, the Congress led UPA government has mandated that all currency notes would now have jokes printed on them instead of the RBI Governor’s signature.

“You see #aditirestaurant has been trending for a long time now and no one even knows what our social media portal Khidkee.com is,” Congress leader and part time comedian, Digvijay Singh said. “Most people think it is an e-commerce site for selling windows. So we have decided to copy Aditi Restaurant’s strategy and print jokes on currency notes to get our message across to the masses.”

Mr. Singh shared some examples that the ‘Rahul Gandhi sycophants group’ on Khidkee.com had come up with for printing on the notes, which included “Pappu chahiye ya Puppy basher? You decide!”, “Narendra Modi ko VISA doge toh MasterCard kya karega?” and so on.

Reacting to the strong condemnation from both print and TV media to Youth Congress workers shutting down Aditi Restaurant, Mr. Singh said, “Indian media needs to learn from the UK media and stop fixating on the actions of the Congress party workers only. Look at them! Look at the amount of fuss the English media has made about the royal baby. Our royal baby, Rahul baba, gets almost no press coverage in comparison. You have to see how cute and cuddly he is too!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/24/after-aditi-restaurant-all-currency-notes-to-have-jokes/

Government declares puppies illegal

The following text is satirical. Do not mistake for reality.

Reacting to Narendra Modi’s statements about killing puppies with chauffeur driven cars, the Congress was quick to react by declaring puppies communal and illegal. 

Calling a quick press conference in response to the God given opportunity Mr. Modi’s comment had provided, Mr. Abhishek Manu Singhvi, the Congress spokesperson (better known for his starring role in a doctored MMS) jumped up and down with glee for a full ten minutes after which he said, “We will now remove the CBI from the Ishrat Jahaan case and get them to investigate how many puppies Mr. Modi has killed in the last year. We also declare all puppies communally motivated and condemn their role in the Hindutva movement.”

With minutes of the speech airing on TV, the hashtag “#puppy” started trending on Twitter. The Prime Minister’s Office was quick to issue a statement via Twitter- “Mr. Gandhi is called #Pappu, not #Puppy. BJP get your facts right!” The tweet was however inexplicably deleted within a few minutes. 

By evening, the Wikipedia page of “Puppy” had a section on Narendra Modi and PETA had appointed Mr. Modi as a brand ambassador. “No one really cares about puppies killed by politicians’ cars,” a PETA spokesperson said, “or politicians or their cars for that matter. But this gives us an excellent opportunity to highlight the issue of unprotected sex amongst stray dogs, which in turn leads to the puppies Mr. Modi keeps killing.”

Not just for PM’s post, Mayawati in race for Miss India too

Final satirical post of the day. Up on Faking News.

Inside sources within the Congress party have revealed that Mayawati has demanded that if she cannot be Prime Minister, she at least needs to be Miss India. The request has come from the Bahujan Samaj Party as a precondition to supporting UPA in the next Lok Sabha elections.

Speaking from her perch atop the party’s official elephant, the lady popularly known as behenji said, “Prime Minister banao… nahi to Miss India hee sahee.” (If I can’t be Prime Minister, I at least need to be Miss India.) “Aaj tak koi dalit mahila Miss India kyun nahi banee?” Mayawati asked in her trademark screeching banshee style.

In response to the development, Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde- the country’s home minister read from a paper that contained his prepared statement. “Baa baaa black sheep,” he said, “Have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for my master, one for my dame, one for the little boy that lives down the lane.” When pointed out that he had most likely mistaken a nursery rhyme for his statement, Mr. Shinde vehemently denied the allegation and said that he had meant every word he said.

At the time of this article’s going into print, twenty five men had reportedly suffered heart attacks at the thought of Mayawati in a bikini.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/11/not-just-for-pms-post-mayawati-in-race-for-miss-india-too/

BMC stunned as road survives monsoon showers

Second of three satirical pieces written today.

A spokesperson for the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation expressed his surprise and regret as a road was found to have survived the showers intact, post the first deluge of the monsoons in Mumbai.

Speaking to reporters, Mr. Nandkumar Tawde, the spokesperson for the BMC, looked deeply moved as he said, “We are deeply aggrieved by the fact that a one kilometer stretch of road in Vile Parle West has survived the first rains of the monsoon.”

Talking about taking strict action against the perpetrators of this heinous act of negligence and insubordination, Mr. Tawde said, “The engineers responsible for overseeing this stretch of road have already been suspended. Their actions have badly affected the delicate cycle of road building, breaking, fresh tendering and road rebuilding that keeps us employed.”

Speaking about BMC’s plans for Mumbai, Mr. Tawde rubbished talk of an increase in FSI and instead talked of increasing the area allocated to slums in the city. “We are going to start a ‘My city, my slum’ scheme wherein people will be encouraged to ditch high rises and come live in slums. We are in advanced stages of talks with developers to build high grade slums for the middle class to live in. This is the only viable option for a normal middle class person since at their salaries, it normally takes about 28,000 years to save enough money to own a one BHK flat in a Mumbai high rise.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/11/bmc-stunned-as-road-survives-monsoon-showers/

After passage of Food Security Ordinance, poor people demand security from Rahul Gandhi

First of three written today.

With the UPA government having notified the ordinance on Food Security, 70% of Indians who live below the poverty line are 100% worried that Rahul Gandhi will visit their houses and eat all their food. Mr. Gandhi, who for some time was on a dalit house visiting and food consuming spree, was not available for comment.

People in villages in the farthest possible corners of India were reported to be worried that since national elections were near, Mr. Gandhi would kick start his food eating gimmicks again and eat away their monthly entitlements. Mr. Gandhi is known to visit houses of extremely impoverished Indians with an army of bodyguards, secretaries, drivers, rank Congress party people, etc to demonstrate he can have “poor people food” too.

According to Babu Rao, the sarpanch of an impoverished village in Madhya Pradesh, people in his village were not only terrified of Rahul Gandhi dipping into their rations but also of Digvijay Singh accompanying him to their houses and boring them to death.

Mr. Singh had this to say when approached by this Faking News reporter: “The only reason we gave them food security is so that Congress leaders could visit their houses and be photographed having food there. What is the point of giving poor people free food otherwise?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/11/after-passage-of-food-security-ordinance-poor-people-demand-security-from-rahul-gandhi/

Man in tobacco disclaimer film new Congress Vice President

The run continues...

In a development late last night, Mukesh (pronounced ‘Mukess’) Harane- the man who dies every time you watch a movie has been made the new Congress Vice President replacing Rahul Gandhi.

Speaking at a press conference in Delhi, Abhishek Manu Singhvi, the Congress spokesperson said, “Our research has shown us that Mukesh is far more popular & well known than any other Congress leader- dead, alive, holidaying abroad or caught in a compromising position. And the fact that he is dead, most likely, also means that he cannot make any embarrassing comments, speeches or aerial surveys.”

Talking about the reason for the move, Mr. Singhvi said, “Rahul baba does not want to waste his youth on the nation. So we are formulating a power structure just like the current extremely successful Sonia- Manmohan partnership. After we win the next elections, Rahul baba will become party president and Mr. Harane will be the new Manmohan Singh equivalent.” When pointed out that Mr. Harane was most likely dead (if the ad film is actually real), Mr. Singhvi said, “That does not bother us. Manmohan Singh has been chilling in Switzerland for several years now while we take care of him with computer generated animation. Mukesh will be no different.”

When questioned about the low quality and grotesque feel to the Mukesh’s awareness campaign- especially when compared to the Congress’ “Vote for me” (Bharat Nirman) campaign, Mr. Singhvi said, “That’s not true at all. Several people have written in to us after watching movies such as Himmatwala, Dangerous Ishq, Ishqk in Paris, etc. that the tobacco disclaimer in the beginning of the movie was far more entertaining and well made than the actual movie.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/07/man-in-tobacco-disclaimer-film-new-congress-vice-president/

Govt to sell India’s naming rights to fund fiscal deficit

The satirical run continues. Posted today on Faking News.

If the government has its way, very soon, India might well be known as “Manforce India” or “India, brought to you by Amul Macho, bade aaram se.”

Speaking to a bunch of reporters from outside the Parliament, the country’s finance minister Mr. Chidambaram confirmed the move saying, “Yes, after passing the Food Security Ordinance, we are so incredibly broke that we had little other recourse except selling off the naming rights to India. So there will now be a public auction of India’s naming rights with the base price set at Rs. 10 lakh crore.”

Aside from branding on maps, global forums, cricket matches, news coverages, etc. the move will also offer the principal sponsor the use of the country’s roads, currency and other national assets- such as the national emblem which would be changed from the current ‘Lion Capital’ to the sponsor’s brand logo.

Reacting to the move, Mr. Narendra Modi was quick to offer 50 crores personally for sponsorship rights (so that India may be called Narendrindia or Modindia). Mr. Chidambaram, however, was quick to reject the offer. “Even our smallest scams are 100 crores, minimum,” he said, “Mr. Modi is surely joking.”

“We have also mulled funding the economy the Pakistani way- by sheltering global terrorists in exchange for Al Qaeda funding and then, getting US funding for tackling the problem of Al Qaeda funded terrorism,” Mr. Chidambaram said. “But we thought selling the naming rights was better. Nobody really cares what the country is called anyway,” he added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/08/govt-to-sell-indias-naming-rights-to-fund-fiscal-deficit/

L. K. Advani to endorse Sandhi Sudha

My satirical form continues. No clue where this is going or for how long.

In a press conference last night, BJP has announced that Mr. L. K. Advani would now function as the brand ambassador of ‘Sandhi Sudha’ – the famous oil for joint pains, whose low grade ads starring Govinda and Jackie Shroff have been airing on late night TV for quite some time now.

“You see, Mr. Advani has not been in power for almost ten years now and with Narendra Modiji becoming the new face of the party, it seems unlikely he will ever have a job,” Meenakshi Lekhi, the BJP spokesperson said. “This is the best way of keeping Mr. Advani employed and to also give him a chance to earn some money, given that he will never be the Prime Minister and thus, never get to do any scams.”

Mr. Advani apparently has been using the brand for quite some time now. An inside source in the BJP told us that he started using it four years ago, after Nirmal Baba advised him, “India ka Prime Minister? Sandhi Sudha lagao. Kripa aegee.”

Mr. Digvijay Singh, a senior Congress leader, who is another famous customer of the oil (having once even tweeted “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Sandhi Sudha!”) was quick to deny any association with the product. Distancing himself from the product, Mr. Singh said, “No! I have never used Sandhi Sudha. We only use secular products.”

Investigations by this Faking News reporter have revealed that the brand tried to reach out to the almost fifty year old Shah Rukh Khan as well but the actor was apparently busy trying to clone himself in Bombay.
A spokesperson for the Congress had this to say: “We condemn all communal brands.” When questioned about Ms. Gandhi’s opinion on the matter, the spokesperson said, “We have no clue but she must be unhappy.”

 http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/06/l-k-advani-to-endorse-sandhi-sudha/

CBI lets off Pawan Bansal after he says “God promise”

Third post on Faking News in three days. Here's hoping the spree continues!

A CBI Spokesperson has revealed in a press conference today that ex Railway Minister Pawan Bansal was let off as an accused from the railway postings bribery scandal after he said, “God promise! I did not do it!”

“We have clear CCTV footage of the statement made by Mr. Bansal,” the spokesperson said. “So we have decided to let him go as per the proviso in the CBI Rule Book which allows politicians to be let off on saying ‘God promise’ and er… as per instructions from Madamji.”

When asked why the same proviso was not applied in other cases such as that of the DMK leader Kanimozhi who was jailed after being chargesheeted by the CBI, the spokesperson said, “Aiyyo! She kept saying something in her Tamil accent and we could not understand anything… so we chargesheeted her. She finally said ‘God promise’ in court, I think, which is why she has bail now.”

Questioned on the case of Narendra Modi’s possible chargesheeting in the Ishrat Jahaan encounter, the spokesman said, “We are reviewing the case right now. Narendraji Modiji said ‘Bharat Maata kee kasam’ and we are checking with Madam… er… the Rule Book if that can be construed as ‘God Promise’.”
However, as per the spokesman, Mr. Modi might have had his fingers crossed behind his back and a crack team from CBI was reviewing the footage of his interview to check the same, as “everyone knows fingers crossed behind back makes the ‘God promise’ invalid.”

This Faking News reporter asked the spokesman if the proviso applied to politicians’ relatives as well. “No no no no,” he replied emphatically, “It is much tougher for relatives. They have to say ‘Red Cross, fingers crossed, same to you, back to you, with no returns.’ It is not as simple.”

 http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/05/cbi-lets-off-pawan-bansal-after-he-says-god-promise/

Congress to visit IIMs during placement season

Two in two days... another satirical piece. 

The Congress party has decided to visit the IIMs for placements this year- HRD Minister Kapil Sibal said today. The job on offer would be that of a body double for Rahul Gandhi.

“Rahul baba likes to visit the wealthiest countries of the world every month to study poverty there and apply the principles to Amethi,” Sibal said in a press conference today. “And whenever he is gone, there is either a national calamity or people like Narendra Modi and Arvind Kejriwal come out and make some new allegations against baba. So we have decided to hire a body double for Rahul baba from one of the IIMs- someone who can stand silently beside Madamji in public outings and make token gestures like flagging off trucks without causing much hullaballoo.”

Reacting to a question at the conference about the ethics of such a move, Mr. Sibal fumed, “All the best leaders in the world have used body doubles. Look at Saddam, Gaddafi… why should we be any different? After all, we have been using computer generated animation to represent Manmohan Singh on national television for a long time now and no one seems to have noticed!”

Taking a potshot at Mr. Modi, Mr. Sibal said, “Now who is doing work for the economy now, eh? Congress is the one doing real Bharat Nirman… we are the ones creating real jobs like this!”

Shyamlal, a final year student at IIM- Indore and also the placement convener for the institute, is looking forward to Congress visiting the campus and has already marked the job as his dream role. “Whoever is selected will just have to stand and wave and cut ribbons and take aerial surveys when Mr. Gandhi is away on his world tours,” he said. “How difficult can that be? It’s a dream job!” he gushed. According to Shyamlal, people at the campus have already started preparing hard for the role- by standing for long hours in front of the institute’s toilet mirrors with an expression of confusion on their faces or reading up on bees and hives.

When questioned on the development, the computer generated 3D hologram of Manmohan Singh flickered wildly and said meekly, “Theek hai.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/04/congress-to-visit-iims-during-placement-season/

Congress to pass ordinance to trademark the word Pappu

My satirical contribution to FakingNews. Written late at night dead tired from office... ignore the one or two grammatical inconsistencies please.

In a recent development, veteran Congress leader Digvijay Singh has revealed that Congress has trademarked the name “Pappu” and an ordinance will soon be written into law to enforce the same.

Mr. Singh, who had inexplicably tweeted “Hahaha! Pappu can’t dance saala” on the day “PappuCII” started trending on Twitter, said that an empowered Group of Ministers would be meeting soon to discuss the addendum in the Indian Copyrights & Patents Act of 1887. Mr. Singh revealed that the motive behind the move was to ensure that Rahul Gandhi was not called by a name as derogatory as “Pappu” but by names that fostered sycophancy better within the Congress party such as “Baba”, “Yuvraj” or “That Congress Dude”.

The ordinance is reported to allow everyone named Pappu in India to change their names within a year of being written into law, failing which they would have to pay a service tax of Rs. 10,000 every year for use of the name. The option with the non Congress Pappu’s, as per a source in the Gandhi household, would be to either pay tax or be known by their Aadhar Card Numbers. Pappu Prasad (or AIH1234PA as he will be known after the ordinance is passed), a vegetable seller in east Delhi, had this to say to us: “This is grossly unfair! How is it our fault that some useless Congress leader is being called ‘Pappu’?”

Mr. Singh also told this FakingNews reporter that people who had already used the name “Pappu” in a derogatory manner would be taxed Rs. 10,000 each for each use as the ordinance would be, like all great Indian laws enforced by the great Congress party, retroactive in effect. As per the calculations of this reporter, the tax hit to the BJP would be the tune of crores and certain outspoken TV journalists like Arnab Goswami are also expected to be taxed. Expectedly, Arnab Goswami launched into a tirade against the Congress Party and refused to pay up, unless the Congress promised to run their ‘Bharat Nirman’ ads (spoofs) on his channel.

BJP Leader Meenakshi Lekhi had this to say to this latest development, “But what about Rambo? Can we go ahead and trademark that as well?”

Meanwhile, the middle aged youth leader in question scratched his head and said that he was unavailable for comment.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/03/congress-to-pass-ordinance-to-trademark-the-word-pappu/