Congress clarifies “chopping” remark- says politician was making reference to “Right to non-veg” bill

Inspired by the hate speech. Satire.

Delhi: A day after Congress suspended one of its candidates in Uttar Pradesh, Imran Maksood, for threatening to “chop” Narendra Modi, the party clarified that the remark was in fact made in jest and the entire video clip was just light hearted banter. “This is Uttar Pradesh,” senior Congress Party leader Kapil Sibal said. “As anybody who has watched Gangs of Wasseypur would know, such things happen in Uttar Pradesh.”

When this reporter pointed out that Wasseypur was actually in Jharkhand, Sibal grew agitated. “Don’t you question my general knowledge!” he said, wagging his finger. “The media needs to learn to stop making issues out of non-issues,” he continued angrily. “All Maksood has said that he will chop Narendra Modi. We have discovered that Narendra Modi is the name of his pet murgi. So when he said he was going to chop Narendra Modi, he actually meant he was going to chop his murgi and feed all the people in his constituency.”

“This is an inspiring act of self sacrifice,” Sibal added. “In fact, I was just speaking to Rahulji in the morning that we should get inspired by this and launch a Rajeev Gandhi Right to Murga Tangdee Yojna. But Rahulji has put all decisions on hold till he catches Krishh 3 on TV.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/31/congress-clarifies-chopping-remark-says-politician-was-making-reference-to-right-to-non-veg-bill/

Manmohan Singh goes against Sonia Gandhi’s wishes, decides to wear saffron turban to a party

Mr. Singh, I can't let you off so easily.

Satire.

Delhi: An unusually defiant Manmohan Singh finally decided to rebel against the diktats of the Congress party President and his remote-controller, Ms. Sonia Gandhi, by wearing an orange turban instead of his staid blue and going on an alcohol binge. Apparently, Manmohan Singh was miffed by the fact that he was forced to eat aloo parantha as per Sonia Gandhi’s wishes, instead of the moolee parantha he had asked for.

“Madamji had advised us never to makemoolee parantha for Manmohan Sir as it gives him acidity and his body no longer remains mute,” a source in the Prime Minister’s household staff told this Faking News reporter, on condition of anonymity. “So we rejected Manmohan Sir’s order and made him an aloo parantha instead. But then something happened that we had never seen before!”

Apparently, Dr. Manmohan Singh grew so miffed by this that he decided to don a saffron turban and go on a boozing party into the wee hours of the night, with some of his friends. He was spotted hanging out, half drunk, at Pandara Road, late at night, referring to Sonia Gandhi with rather elaborate and colourful swear words.

Most people who spotted him in his saffron turban believed that one more person had joined BJP only to be expelled a day later.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/31/manmohan-singh-goes-against-sonia-gandhis-wishes-decides-to-wear-saffron-turban-to-a-party/

After condemning each other for using foul language, EC proposes parties speak in dumb charades only

What is it with parties saying so and so should not speak in such and such manner? It's election time kids... buck up, sissypants!

Delhi: With allegations, counter allegations, abuses, death threats, etc. flying thick and fast in pre election season, the Election Commission has requested leaders from various political parties to either stop being so touchy about somebody calling them names or speak in dumb charades only.

Initial reports from a few political parties seemed to suggest that they were open to the EC’s suggestion.

“We are in fact very happy with this suggestion,” a senior leader from the Congress party said, on condition of anonymity. “We have one leader who has not spoken in ten years, one who had the IQ of a ten year old and one madam who still has her Hindi speeches written in Roman script because she cannot read Hindi. And then we have people like Diggy Singh and Manish-meri-English-toh-dekho-Tewary, about whom the less said the better.”

Against expectations, even AAP supporters were open to this idea. “Kejriwal sir is best when he is just going on fasts, dharnas and protest marches, not when he is speaking,” a senior AAP leader said. “Now all his speeches are about blaming Adani or Ambani, or threatening the media… it has become a little boring. And Ashutosh sir keeps making spelling and pronunciation mistakes when he has to speak English. This will be better only.”

However, only a few BJP leaders seemed open to the suggestion, most of them affiliated with the party’s old guard. These leaders were mostly Advani backers and felt that the octogenarian was best advised to communicate with hand movements instead of words, at his age.

 http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/30/after-condemning-each-other-for-using-foul-language-ec-proposes-parties-speak-in-dumb-charades-only/

After Ganga, Arvind Kejriwal to purify more water bodies by bathing in them

With Kejriwal, anything is possible.

Varanasi: A couple of days after taking a dip in the Ganga, Arvind Kejriwal – the face of the Aam Admee Party and its candidate against Narendra Modi from Varanasi – has announced that he will bathe in more unclean and corrupt water bodies to purify them.

Kejriwal at work.

“Isi gandgee ko mitaane toh hum nikle hain,” Mr. Kejriwal said. “I promise you I will personally purify all dirty water bodies simply by bathing in them. Leave alone rivers, I will even bathe in the gandaa naalas to clean them.”

Offering an opinion about who was to blame for the unclean nature of India’s rivers, Mr. Kejriwal replied, “Adani, Ambani, Modi, Rahul Gandhi, etc. Hence, proved.”

When asked how he was going to go about the herculean task of cleaning all possible water bodies, Mr. Kejriwal smiled and said, “Yeh sab karne ke liye main toh bahut chhota aadmee hoon. Yeh janta ka chunaav hai, iske liye janta ladegee!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/27/after-ganga-arvind-kejriwal-to-purify-more-water-bodies-by-bathing-in-them/

Small hole found in Parliament at spot where Manmohan Singh has been staring at for ten years

Ever wondered why MMS has been looking at the same spot for ten years? 

Satire.

Delhi: A team of forensic experts from the CBI have discovered a small hole in the Parliament building floor, reportedly right at the spot that the outgoing Prime Minister, Dr. Manmohan Singh, had been staring unflinchingly at, for roughly ten years.

Busy Manmohan Singh.

The team had been tasked with investigating the Coal scam and footage from Lok Sabha team led them to believe that Manmohan Singh had been staring at the missing Coalgate files all the time.

“It’s just a small hole, nothing else; no files found,” Senior Inspector Tadapit Kumar of the CBI said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter.

“On one hand, it is disappointing with respect to our Coalgate investigation. On the other hand, we know now that Dr. Manmohan Singh has not been completely useless. He has managed to bore a small hole in the concrete floor of the Parliament with his gaze alone!”

An independent geologist, when contacted by Faking News, was puzzled by the development.

“This means that Dr. Singh’s eyesight is like an extremely low intensity laser,” he said, on condition of anonymity, “It might have been more powerful in his younger days.”

“Or alternately, Sonia madam asked him to reduce his powers,” the geologist offered an alternate explanation.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/small-hole-found-in-parliament-at-spot-where-manmohan-singh-has-been-staring-at-for-ten-years/

No Modi wave as black flags shown to me were not fluttering: Kejriwal

More AAP satire...

Varanasi: After announcing his intentions of fighting elections from Varanasi against Narendra Modi, Arvind Kejriwal, Delhi’s ex-Chief Minister, has claimed once again that there was no ‘Modi wave’ at all in the country as well as in the city.

No fluttering at all

His information is based on what he saw, and thus incontrovertible, AAP sources tell Faking News.

According to Kejriwal, all the black flags that were shown to him in Varanasi had been limp and had failed to flutter, thus proving there was no ‘Modi wave’.

“Yeh sab Ambani kee chaal hai,” Kejriwal said, addressing reporters at an impromptu press conference, “We have evidence to show that the flags were made from synthetic polymer fabrics and we all know Reliance is the biggest manufacturer of synthetic polymer fabrics in India.”

“But I can assure you all the black flags shown to me were limp and listless,” he added, “If there was a Modi wave, they would have been fluttering strongly. Yadavji ne survey karwaya hai… May 16 ko Bharat mein Aam Admee Party kee Sarkar ban jaegee.”

“So there is definitely an Aam Admee Party wave,” he concluded.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/no-modi-wave-as-black-flags-shown-to-me-were-not-fluttering-kejriwal/

Engineer watching business channels for ten years due to pretty news anchors without understanding anything

True story... in engineering campuses across India.

Gurgaon: Faking News has recently discovered a man who has been watching business channels such as CNBC TV 18 for more than a decade without understanding a word being spoken about, all due to the prettiness of their female news anchors.

No matter what you say

Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer by profession, apparently started watching the news channels during his engineering college days and got so addicted to the beauty of their anchors that he could not stop watching.

“My friends put me on to these business news channels in the first year of engineering college,” Tadapit said. “I have never been able to understand a word but the news anchors are so pretty that I have not been able to change the channel for ten years now. They keep saying intelligent and difficult sounding things while looking incredibly pretty; what can I do? I am just helpless.”

“I am sure you understand, don’t you?” he asked this reporter, hoping to seek commiseration.

When asked what he thought “Sensex” was, Tadapit replied shyly, “It’s when a software engineer manages to get laid… ideally by a pretty news anchor. I believe I would end up inventing a new sex position if it happened to me,” he said, beaming.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/23/engineer-watching-business-channels-for-ten-years-due-to-pretty-news-anchors-without-understanding-anything/

I-Banks to cancel concept of leaves; employees will now need to seek ‘parole’ to get time off

Inspired by Sanjay Dutt.

Mumbai: A clutch of investment banks and consultancy firms have come together to announce that their employees would no longer be provided with leaves or vacations. Instead, employees would now need to seek ‘parole’ whenever they need time off.

“We have seen a trend of employees annually taking on average three weeks off with vacations and sick leaves and people getting born in their families and people getting hospitalized in their families,” a senior HR executive at an I-Bank said on condition of anonymity. “That is too many off days! Our business cannot survive if people keep taking these many days off.”

“The worst is when women take time off for maternity,” the executive added. “So we are encouraging women in our firm to either get hormone therapy to become men or adopt little creatures.”

The other side of the story was told by Tadapit Kumar, a 27 year old senior associate working with a prominent I-Bank for three years, who looked 45. “I haven’t slept properly in three years,” he said. “All my vacation requests have been turned down by my boss. In fact, even when I was hospitalized with dengue, my boss got a Bloomberg terminal installed in my hospital room, beside my IV.”

“The parole concept will be better I think,” he added. “At least, I will be able to use my dad’s connections to ensure I get parole like Sanjay Dutt.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/23/i-banks-to-cancel-concept-of-leaves-employees-will-now-need-to-seek-parole-to-get-time-off/

After T20 loss, Pakistan blames fewer US drone attacks for poor match fitness of its team

The bad English was especially fun to write. Satire.

Bangladesh: After its 7 wicket loss to India in the opening match of the ICC T20 World Cup in Bangladesh, Pakistan’s captain, Mohammad Hafeez, has blamed lesser drone attacks by the US for their poor show. According to Hafeez, the lack of practice of running from drone missiles led to poor running between the wickets and fielding.

“It starts badly for us when I loses the toss. But the main problems is that the USA is not attacks us too much with their drones now,” Hafeez said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter, after the match. “We are not knows why the USA is reduces the drone attacking. They are reduces the attacks and the boys runs so poorly now because they is no longer practices runnings from bombings,” he said.

“We requests the USA to keeps attacks on us so that the boys gets match fit,” Hafeez added. “This is crucials for our performancing. In facts, the USA should attacks our hotel in Bangladesh now.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/22/after-t20-loss-pakistan-blames-fewer-us-drone-attacks-for-poor-match-fitness-of-its-team/

The Epitaph

If I ever get an epitaph, I wish for it be this.

I wish one day, not
to be known for my face, my eyes.
I wish people could remember me
as the one who wrote these lines.

Wings

Written eight years ago.

I mourn oftentimes for

that bird - no flight

-wingless wings, yet its

sweet song of delight.

Arvind Kejriwal to now conduct referendum to seek approval for conducting referendums

What's with the incessant referendums? 

Delhi: After threatening to jail the media and threatening to contest against Narendra Modi from Varanasi, Arvind Kejriwal has allegedly said that instead of simply conducting a referendum to ask people if he should contest the polls against Modi, he would first conduct a referendum to ask people if AAP could conduct a referendum to ask them if he should contest.

Referendums everywhere.

“Theoretically, we can conduct referendums to seek public opinion on conducting referendums which in turn are seeking public opinion on conducting referendums themselves,” Yogendra Yadav, senior leader of the AAP, said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “Thereby we will be creating an infinite loop of referendums; it is the same technique that we used to predict that we would win 47 seats in Delhi.”

A call to Arvind Kejriwal went straight to his voicemail which intoned, “Namaskar, main Arvind Kejriwal bol raha hoon. Yadavjee ne survey karwaya hai kee hum Bharat mein 513 seats jeetne waale hain. Aur Sarkar banate hee hum Ramleela maidan mein ek khaas baithak bulaake Jan Lokpal Bill pass karenge.”

There was a moment of silence after which the message said, “Please leave a message after the cough.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/18/arvind-kejriwal-to-now-conduct-referendum-to-seek-approval-for-conducting-referendums/

To love a rose

An ode to love.

A tinge of red to the night
and an angel from my sky
showers dew on my rose
and moistens my eyes.

Everyday I shall ask myself as
my sun dies and is reborn,
'Why for the love of a single rose,
my angel serves a thousand thorn?'

Manmohan Singh wins ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ for doing nothing for 10 years & still keeping his job

Mr. Singh, this is history, judging you kindly.

Delhi: A little known industry body called the “Software Engineers Association of India”, comprised mostly of disgruntled software engineers, has bestowed a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ upon the outgoing Prime Minister of India, Dr. Manmohan Singh.

Dr. Singh, most popularly known for doing and speaking nothing during his ten years of Prime Ministership, won the award for exactly that- doing and speaking nothing.

“We wanted to honour someone who had done zilch and managed to keep his job for ten years,” Tadapit Kumar, President of the association said.

“Dr. Singh is a role model for anyone who aspires to join the corporate world. Basically, if you do nothing, make no noise and hide under your cubicle desk for a decade, people will forget you exist, all the work will get done without you and you will still keep getting your salary. It is the best way to make money!”

“We tried to honor a few other IT company CEOs like my current boss too,” Tadapit added, “but he refused to accept the award.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/16/manmohan-singh-wins-lifetime-achievement-award-for-doing-nothing-for-10-years-still-keeping-his-job/

Buoyed by support on Twitter, AAP to form government with its Twitter handle

The support for AAP on Twitter is incredible. Too bad Twitter does not equal India.

Despite being ridiculed by TV and print media for labelling media channels as ‘paid’ and threatening to jail them, support for Arvind Kejriwal and the Aam Admee Party continued to grow on Twitter with hashtags such as “#IsupportAKforPM” and “#IlikeAshutoshDespiteHisBadSpellings” trending nationally. Boosted by this development, Arvind Kejriwal has staked claim to form a government on Twitter using the Aam Admee Party Twitter Handle.

“We are trending for three days now and everybody knows Twitter is the only non-paid media left,” Kejriwal said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “So we are going ahead and forming an AAP government on Twitter. All followers of Modi and Tweeple from paid news media channels will be blocked on Twitter.”

When pointed out that the population on Twitter barely comprised 2% of India’s population, Kejriwal grew livid. “Saare aam admee krantikaree ab khalee Twitter pe hee hain,” he said, adding a cough for effect.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/15/buoyed-by-support-on-twitter-aap-to-form-government-with-its-twitter-handle/

Book Review: Gaddafi’s Harem by Annick Cojean

Being a contemporary history freak, I didn’t even read any reviews before buying this book. I simply wanted to know what the truth behind Gaddafi’s “amazons” was and like every bibliophile, wanted to pay someone some money in doing so (instead of reading it for free on the web).

'Gaddafi’s Harem' starts off as the story of a girl named “Soraya”. Soraya is plucked from her mother’s boutique and imprisoned in a royal harem of sorts, after being identified by “The Guide” (Gaddafi) in an event at her school. Her story forms the first half of the story of this book. Written in first person, the tale is gripping and ultimately, unputdownable. You find yourself rooting for the little girl when she is subjected to Gaddafi’s weird sexual fantasies or when she falls in love innocently with a young man in the premises of the harem or when she tries to escape from her oppressing surroundings.

However, the second half of the book peters off a bit in the pace and the narrative reverts to the journalist’s third person narrative (though the conversations she has with the various elements of Gaddafi’s machinery are insightful). The thrust of this part is mostly to prove that Soraya’s story is really true- which put me off a little because the moment I began reading her tale I knew it to be true. No one would conjure up such colorful lies just to get a book written about them, especially at the cost of their honor in a country such as Libya. There are a few saving graces in the second part, like the author’s interview with one of Gaddafi’s amazons; however, such sections are few and far in between.

The book is essential reading, for like many countries who are ashamed of their past (take Nazi Germany for instance) and find it convenient to sometimes forget, the book stands as proof that this happened.

Manchester United to hire Congress spokespersons to pass off their disappointing season as “Football Nirman”

 Satire.

Manchester, United Kingdom: Reports suggest that after enduring a disappointing and (seemingly) trophy-less first season under David Moyes, Manchester United- one of the world’s richest football clubs has turned to one of the world’s richest political parties for help.

Ed Woodward, the CEO of Manchester United, has reached out to Sonia Gandhi, the president of the Indian National Congress in an attempt to learn how to put a positive spin on a disappointing year of football.

“We have just had one bad year but reportedly, this Indian National Congress party has been having five bad years,” Mr. Woodward said, in a telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter.

“In fact, the amount of revenue Manchester United Football Club has earned over the last twenty years is a little less than the amount of scam money the party has made from India in the past five. And yet it has spokespersons who defend it wholeheartedly and almost, brazenly. We want to learn from that.”

“We are trying to see if we can get Sanjay Jha or Manish Tewary over here as our official spokespersons,” Mr. Woodward said. “If someone can defend the theatrics of Mr. Rahul Gandhi, he can defend anything.”


http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/12/manchester-united-to-hire-congress-spokespersons-to-pass-off-their-disappointing-season-as-football-nirman/

In excitement to watch Satyamev Jayate, man jumps several red lights

Inspired by the weird promos. Satire.

Mumbai: Faking News has discovered a man who jumped several red lights, primarily to rush home in time to watch Satyamev Jayate- the talk show hosted by Aamir Khan.

The man called Tadapit Kumar was a software engineer, who had been called in to work by his boss on Sunday; however, Tadapit strongly believed it was his duty to his nation to watch the talk show and therefore, left work at 10:50 AM to catch the latest episode of the show.

“No no no… this has nothing to do with the promo ads; I was not the one in the promo ads, jumping the red light,” Tadapit said. “Mere paas to Maruti Alto hai.”

“Arre bhaiyya, the ones who were behind me – those who stopped at that red light – all of them did not want to watch Satyamev Jayate,” Tadapit said. “It was about to be 11 AM and if they really wanted to watch the show, they would have jumped the red light too.”

“I wish Aamir does one show on the plight of overworked, underpaid software engineers like me too,” Tadapit added later, after some introspection.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/12/in-excitement-to-watch-satyamev-jayate-man-jumps-several-red-lights/

Kejriwal questions Shah Jahan’s development model after he fails to find his ghost at Taj Mahal

The faster the rise, the steeper the fall. Satire for you, Mr. Kejriwal.

Agra: After having failed to meet Narendra Modi in Gujarat, Arvind Kejriwal turned up unannounced at Taj Mahal and sought an appointment with Shah Jahan. The appointment was sought, allegedly, to pose twenty four questions to Shah Jahan about the Mughal development model.

Shah Jahan is corrupt.

However, after Shah Jahan’s ghost refused to make an appearance, Mr. Kejriwal- Delhi’s ex Chief Minister- questioned Shah Jahan’s motives and claimed that the late Mughal emperor was too scared to answer Aam Admee Party’s questions.

“Main bahut chhota aadmee hoon,” Mr. Kejriwal said at Taj Mahal to a sea of reporters, while tourists and curious onlookers stared at him. “But I am Delhi’s ex Chief Minister. At least he could have offered me tea. Shah Jahan is dead; how can he be busy?”

“Now Manish is going inside to seek an appointment with him,” Mr. Kejriwal added. “Iss Taj Mahal mein Adani, Ambani aur kis kis businessman ka paisa laga hai… hum jaanke rahenge!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/10/kejriwal-questions-shah-jahans-development-model-after-he-fails-to-find-his-ghost-at-taj-mahal/

Traces of N D Tiwary’s DNA found in dinosaur fossils

It's plausible... Satire.

Egypt: Soon after 90 years old Congress leader N D  Tiwary accepted paternity of Rohit Shekhar, a paleontological dig in Egypt conducted by a team of scientists from National Geographic has found traces of Mr. Tiwary’s DNA in dinosaur fossils as well. The team was clearly scandalized with the results. On the other hand, Mr. Tiwary is reported to have shrugged and accepted the test results stoically.

“We are not sure how this has happened,” Dr. Tadapit Kumar, the palaeontologist in charge of the dig, said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “Clearly N D Tiwary is older and sexually much more active than we had earlier thought was possible for human beings. But this raises new questions now. Will all descendants of dinosaurs have the rights to Mr. Tiwary’s properties as well? Lizards? Snakes? Generic reptiles?”

While scientists and lawyers are trying to figure out causes and effects, political parties have jumped on to the issue. BJP has claimed that the incident proved that Congress will take India to dinosaur age with help of their leaders, while Congress has termed it as an UPA government achievement. “BJP is just jealous that nobody in their party is as potent as our leader,” said Congress leader Salman Khurshid.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/traces-of-n-d-tiwaris-dna-found-in-dinosaur-fossils/

Subrata Roy expresses disappointment over Kejriwal never exposing him

Seriously, what did Subrata Roy do wrong to not be exposed by the serial exposers? 

Satire.

Lucknow: Subrata Roy, the founding promoter of the Sahara Group, who was arrested by the UP police on Friday, has come out with a shocking statement.

Speaking to this Faking News reporter from the guest house where he was being detained, Subrata Roy predictably professed his innocence before going on to express his sorrow over the fact that the Aam Admi Party did not think it was important enough to expose him as well.

“The reported amount of my scam is tens of thousands of crores,” Mr. Roy is reported to have said. “Arre koi mujhe bhi toh importance do! Khalee Ambani-Ambani karte rehte hain!”

Having been caught after playing an elaborate game of cat and mouse with the Lucknow Police and trying to seek refuge under the pretence of an ill mother, Mr. Roy was understandably perturbed on not being ‘exposed’ by Arvind Kejriwal. “I am bigger than Ambani! I have sponsored the Indian cricket team and an F1 team… I even have a city named after me,” Mr. Roy exulted, referring to ‘Sahara Sheher’.

“All Ambani has is an odd shaped house in Mumbai that looks like a three year built with lego pieces,” he said. “And even then, Kejriwal chooses to go only after Ambani? What a shame!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/04/subrata-roy-expresses-disappointment-over-kejriwal-never-exposing-him/

Kejriwal admits he is “too chhota an aadmi for PM post”; will run for “Master of Universe”

Ever wondered how Kejriwal is always "too small" for the very post(s) he is running for?


Lucknow: In a rally in Uttar Pradesh’s capital today, Arvind Kejriwal- the face of the Aam Aadmi Party- seemed to reveal the reasons behind his quitting from the post of Delhi’s Chief Ministership. Revealing his plans for the future, Kejriwal rejected the possibility of him becoming Prime Minister, claiming he was “too small a man” for the job.

“Who am I to become India’s Prime Minister?” Keriwal asked the crowd of curious Lucknow-ites who had materialized to watch his speech. “Main bahut chhota aadmee hoon, sir. Main Prime Minister nahi ban sakta.”

“Only the post of Brahma- the Master of the Universe- suits my standing and abilities,” Kejriwal said. “For this post, I am neither too big nor too small… just the right size.” When someone in the crowd asked him how he was going to go about becoming the “Master of the Universe”, Kejriwal replied, without missing a beat, “Uske liye Yadavjee survey karva rahe hain.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/04/kejriwal-admits-he-is-too-chhota-an-aadmi-for-pm-post-will-run-for-master-of-universe/

After fresh capital infusion, Doordarshan to pay people money to watch it

3500 Crores to set up transmission for DD in Nepal! Oh, what is our country coming to!

Delhi: After the Cabinet Committee on Economic Affairs on Friday approved a Rs. 3,500 crore plan to upgrade infrastructure facilities of public broadcaster Prasar Bharati, Doordarshan announced plans of how it was going to use the monies.

Aside from plans to start broadcasting in Nepal, the business plan seemed to involve paying people in India to start watching the channel again.

Doordarshan has been steadily losing market share in the cut throat media industry, after the launch of private channels and with DTH replacing cable in a large chunk of households, rendering the channel a non-option even in the case of cable outages.

“We are not sure but there is a memo going around in our department that the scheme will be called something on the lines of Rajeev Gandhi Chalchitra Pradarshan Yojna,” a Prasar Bharti official said. “It will basically be an extension of MNREGA wherein instead of having to work to earn the promised monetary amount, people have the option of watching Doordarshan, instead of having to work.”

“Because in many ways, tolerating Doordarshan is hard work as well,” the official added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/03/after-fresh-capital-infusion-doordarshan-to-pay-people-money-to-watch-it/

To save money on wedding photographer, man befriends obnoxious colleague with DSLR

Dedicated to all the people who thought photography was as easy as buying a DSLR camera.

Gurgaon. An engineer called Tadapit Kumar working for an IT major was faced with a terrible dilemma when his parents fixed his marriage and told him that he would have to pay for it, as he had started earning money.

Tadapit soon realized that all his savings would be exhausted in paying the bills of the caterer, the tent-waala, the card printer, the tailor, et al. He would then be left with 1000 rupees left for wedding photography. “Those thousand rupees was to pay the cousins of my bride who would steal my shoes,” Tadpit told Faking News why he had no money left for paying a photographer.

“Wedding photography costs a bomb!” he claimed, “I asked around, and most people wanted my month’s salary just to take photos! How dumb is that?”

“So I have decided to befriend this really obnoxious person called Anupam in my office, who always makes a great show about owning a DSLR camera,” Tadapit added. “I only came to know because he keeps posting pictures on Facebook of his slippers or underwear hung out to dry or a cockroach caught in a spider’s web, to show off his photography skills.”

“He is an obnoxious person but everybody in my office has befriended him because of his DSLR and the amount of money it saves them on photographers for their various family functions,” Tadapit revealed.

Meanwhile Anupam, the obnoxious DSLR guy, has confirmed that he would be clicking pictures for Tadpit. “My portfolio is almost complete. Will use these final pictures and launch my website and photography Facebook page,” he explained.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/to-save-money-on-wedding-photographer-man-befriends-obnoxious-colleague-with-dslr/