Man steals 3D glasses from movie halls to try seeing real life in 3D

Inspired by a random comment overheard at a cinema hall. Satire.

Delhi: Today, Faking News managed to get in touch with a man who has been stealing 3D movie glasses from cinema halls for a few years, having managed to build an impressive collection of over fifty pairs of 3D glasses. The glasses range from the cheap swimming lesson type glasses offered at low grade movie halls to the thick sunglass like ones offered at the more premium establishments.

“Yes, I have been stealing these for a few years now,” the man told this Faking News reporter, on condition of anonymity. “The damn 3D movie tickets are so expensive that I think we should be offered these glasses complimentary anyway.”

“But I am disappointed with them,” he added. “Real life mein woh cinema hall walee feel hee nahin aatee inhe lagake.”

When this Faking News reporter tried explaining to the man that real life was already 3D (or three dimensional) as opposed to the two dimensional cinema screen, he looked confused for a moment and then smiled before saying, “You almost had me there.”

“Lolz,” he added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/31/man-steals-3d-glasses-from-movie-halls-to-try-seeing-real-life-in-3d/

Inspired by Kejriwal, Rahul Gandhi to sing instead of speaking at press conferences

And the Rahul Gandhi satire is back. Live long and prosper, Pappu!

New Delhi. Inside sources from within the Congress party have confirmed that Rahul Gandhi has decided to sing instead of speaking at all future press conferences. The move was apparently inspired by Arvind Kejriwal’s breaking into a patriotic song at the end of his oath taking ceremony speech.

“Rahul baba was really impressed by Kejriwal’s speech and asked us why we never wrote such speeches for him,” the source said on condition of anonymity. “He was so inspired that he has decided to sing out all his future speeches instead of just speaking normally, as his normal speeches tend to create a lot of controversy.”

“And Faking News articles,” the source added after some thought.

“Considering the recent mauling of Congress in state elections and its widespread dip in popularity, Rahulji is considering these radical steps,” the man said. “He might also take up twerking,” he added, referring to the arguably raunchy dance move made popular by Miley Cyrus.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/30/inspired-by-kejriwal-rahul-gandhi-to-sing-instead-of-speaking-at-press-conferences/

Delhi Police thank Abhishek Bachchan for accurate portrayal of policemen in Dhoom 3

If you value your brain cells, do not watch Dhoom 3. Just read the film's spoof on Vigil Idiot instead. There... I just saved you a thousand bucks.

New Delhi. Delhi Police released a statement today thanking Abhishek Bacchan for his accurate portrayal of the police force in Dhoom 3. The movie, which is well on its way to making 200 crores, stars Bollywood retirees Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra as cops.

“Despite wearing really big black sunglasses and flaunting expensive clothes and bikes that none of us can afford with our salaries, Mr. Abhishek Bachhan’s portrayal was quite accurate, given the fact that he managed to not catch any of the three thieves in the three Dhoom movies,” the statement said.

“We especially thank the makers of Dhoom 3 for this accurate depiction of the Indian police force. Earlier movies such as Singham and Dabangg had raised expectations too high from us in terms of catching villains and hitting them so hard that they flew into things made of glass,” Delhi police statement explained.

“But now with Dhoom 3, these expectations will hopefully become normal again,” the statement concluded, “In addition, people might give us more bribes so that we might buy superbikes worth 50 lakhs.”

Unconfirmed sources tell Faking News that the Delhi Police are so impressed with the movie that they are letting first time offenders go after they promise to watch Dhoom 3 in cinema halls and multiplexes.

“This could explain why the movie is doing well despite negative reviews,” a source claimed.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/delhi-police-thank-abhishek-bachchan-for-accurate-portrayal-of-policemen-in-dhoom-3/

Inspired by Bigg Boss, man starts speaking to his camera phone for hours everyday

Wrote this on the flight back home. Satire.
Dedicated to and inspired by Big Boss..


Gurgaon. A software engineer working for an IT firm has become the first documented case to suffer from what psychologists are beginning to call the “Big Boss Syndrome”.

Much like participants on the much watched show on the TV channel Colors, the man (called Rahul Raj) had started speaking into his (phone) camera for hours on end, about how things around him were making him feel.

“He called me a shithead and an asshole, while looking into his camera,” Rahul’s boss, Sanjay said, “But he told me later that he was sure that they would edit these parts later, before they aired it.”

“I really hope they do,” Sanjay added.

“He was a normal introvert software engineer until he started watching Bigg Boss,” one of Rahul’s colleagues said, “Now he just keeps saying random stuff about us or his boss into his phone’s camera. At times, he just breaks into a random song with his phone’s camera lens pointed at himself.”

“Maybe he feel trapped in his office, where he thinks that others are going to earn more than him by bitching about him,” a psychologist tried to diagnose Rahul’s behavior, “Or maybe he has just lost his mind after watching that shitty show.”

While psychologists are analyzing the causes, Faking News could witness this phenomenon live.

“There’s a guy in T shirt and pants here,” Rahul said into his camera, on spotting this Faking News reporter in the distance. “I wish I too could wear casuals to office.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/inspired-by-bigg-boss-man-starts-speaking-to-his-camera-phone-for-hours-everyday/

Congress requests people to wait a few months for Adarsh probe report files to go missing

How can you "set aside" a report tabled by a Panel appointed by you?

Satire.

Mumbai: The Congress party justified setting aside the Adarsh scam probe panel’s findings by stating that they needed some time to ensure the probe files went missing.

Reacting to Justice J. A. Patil’s accusation that the government rejected the report because it named four former Chief Ministers and several bureaucrats, a party spokesperson claimed that it was too soon to accept the report since they needed some time to ensure the probe files went missing.

The report tabled by a panel led by Justice Patil named former Congress Chief Ministers, Ashok Chavan, Sushilkumar Shinde and late Vilasrao Deshmukh. It also indicted Shivajirao Nilangekar Patil, who served as Revenue Minister when the building received clearances.

“It took us plenty of time to ensure that the Coalgate files went missing,” the spokesperson concluded. “Such things cannot be done in a hurry. It takes time, precision and plenty of political experience.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/24/congress-requests-people-to-wait-a-few-months-for-adarsh-probe-report-files-to-go-missing/

Women left stunned as TV soap comes to an end

Dedicated to the housewives of this country who have singlehandedly sustained the boring neverending TV soap industry.

Women across the country were stunned as a TV soap that had been running for five consecutive years came to an end. The show, named “Ballika Niharika Vadhu”, had been undergoing its fifteenth time jump when the makers suddenly announced their plans to end the serial.

Idiot Box

“I am so shocked,” Monika Singh, a housewife said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “I had been cutting vegetables in the afternoon with this TV soap playing in the background, for four and a half years now. The best part about it was that you didn’t really need to watch it to understand what was going on in the story. You could glean where the story was from the show’s ads playing in the evening, every now and then.”

“Now that it’s over, I am not sure how long my marriage will last,” Ms. Singh added. “After all, I have no idea what will happen to the original Ballika Vadhu’s great great great grandchild from her third marriage, who had died but managed to come back after a car accident.”

“Shouldn’t they at least have told us what happened to her?” she demanded angrily.

The makers of the show refused to come on record but one of them did admit, off the record, that the viewership of the show had fallen to five housewives and one cow in rural Gujarat. The man blamed the “Modi wave” for claiming the viewers of the show.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/18/women-left-stunned-as-tv-soap-comes-to-an-end/

Times Now pre poll survey predicts more pre poll surveys till May 2014

Tired of pre poll surveys. Wonder how many more we'll have to go through before national elections. 

Satire.

A pre poll survey conducted by Times NOW has predicted that there would be several more pre poll surveys before the general elections begin in the summer of 2014.

Many more to come.

“We thought of conducting a survey on the number of surveys, instead of electoral prospects of various parties, since our own channel’s surveys kept consistently missing the Modi wave,” a spokesperson for Times NOW said.

“Our survey shows that there will at least twenty more pre poll surveys before elections start in May 2014. Especially with no one forming a government in Delhi, re-elections in Delhi alone will contribute at least five more surveys standalone.”

“We are very happy and satisfied with the survey’s results,” Pranob Roy, a regular watcher of Times NOW said.

“Generally we calibrate the volume on our TV with Arnabda’s channel. Even on mute, our neighbours can hear Arnabda speaking. All of us, Bengalis, are so proud of him,” he added, gushing. “We are sure that even if the survey results are wrong, Arnabda will shout loud enough to make everything seem just right with the world.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/18/times-now-pre-poll-survey-predicts-more-pre-poll-surveys-till-may-2014/

Homosexuals admit sex much more exciting now, after SC’s ban

What can an SC ban do behind closed doors anyway? Satire.

Delhi: A large percentage of homosexuals have admitted that their sex lives have become far more gratifying, now that they know having gay sex is illegal.

Parobrita (name changed), a Bengali lesbian, who has been living with her “sister”, Sudipta (name changed) for ten years now in a posh south Delhi locality admitted the ruling had improved their sex lives manifold. “We have been living together for ten years now and frankly, the whole deal was beginning to get quite boring,” she said. “But now after the Supreme Court has made it illegal for us to have sex again, it is much more fun and gratifying.”

Rahul, a gay man, agreed. “It’s infinitely more fun now. In fact, I think the Supreme Court should ban sex in general so that even heterosexual people can have such fulfilling sex lives. I am sure the BJP will support that as well.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/17/homosexuals-admit-sex-much-more-exciting-now-after-scs-ban/

Man with “RIP Mandela” tweet in his drafts folder for ten years finally manages to post it

Dedicated to all my friends who posted "RIP Mandela". Satire.

Delhi: Pappu Prasad, a shopkeeper in East Delhi, finally got to tweet something that had been languishing in his drafts folder for about ten years. Pappu tweeted “RIP Mandelaji… but Tendulkar is better” from his Twitter handle “@IamPappuPrasadNotRahulGandhi”.

“I wrote an RIP Mandela tweet ten years ago but as soon as I was about to send it out, news started filtering in that he was getting better,” the man said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “Over the last few years, he has been going into hospital but getting better quickly and I could not post it.”

Expressing satisfaction over having made the tweet, Mr. Prasad said, “My Twitter feed is linked to my Facebook feed and the post got twenty five likes. I am so happy!”

When quizzed about how  Mandela had inspired him, he replied, “Arre kya yaar! He made that brilliant 400 not out. What an innings that was. He was almost as good as Tendulkar but bichara West Indies ke liye hee phaltoo mein khelta reh gaya.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/08/man-with-rip-mandela-tweet-in-his-drafts-folder-for-ten-years-finally-manages-to-post-it/

Delhiites celebrate AAP’s seats with liquor distributed by Cong, BJP before elections

Never understood how a day's supply of liquor would help people decide who to vote for.

Satire.

Delhi: After AAP’s strong showing in the Delhi elections, a large cross section of people was found inebriated in several parts of the city. It was reported that these people were celebrating and were high on liquor distributed by the two chief national parties before elections.

Though the distribution of liquor was prohibited and strongly regulated by the city police, several bottles of alcohol did manage to find their way to the hands of potential voters.

“It was very funny,” Pappu Prasad, a resident of North East Delhi said. “Someone from Congress came and distributed free liquor in our colony asking us to vote for Congress. Then someone from BJP came and gave us liquor too, asking us to vote for BJP as he had given us free liquor. Our colony eventually decided to vote for the Aam Admi Party and party with the liquor later on.”

“How stupid did they think we were?” he added. “Just because you give someone alcohol a day before elections, you think he will vote for you? Are we fifteen year olds?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/09/delhiites-celebrate-aaps-seats-with-liquor-distributed-by-cong-bjp-before-elections/

Rahul Gandhi claims he will claim to be a virgin too, if people come to his speeches

If Salman Khan can be a virgin, so can Rahul Gandhi. Satire.

Delhi: Shaken by the low turnout at his speeches, Rahul Gandhi has reportedly recently made himself available for Karan Johar’s eponymous show “Koffee with Karan”. In a letter written to the makers of the show, Mr. Gandhi said, “I am also a virgin because I don’t know how to do it properly yet. It was too complicated, like an intricate beehive, and I could not figure out what goes where.”

“Sometimes I also lost my self confidence,” Mr. Gandhi confessed.

Senior Congress leader, Digvijay Singh, confirmed the reports. “Yes he is saying the truth,” Mr. Singh said. “In our society you have to get married to have sex. Rahulji is unmarried- so he has to be a virgin. That said, I can vouch for the fact that he is sau tunch maal.”

Inspired by the newly released “R… Rajkumar”, Mr. Gandhi also offered to change his name to “R… Rahul” in his letter, adding that “I too can be silent or violent. But I am secular.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/08/rahul-gandhi-claims-he-will-claim-to-be-a-virgin-too-if-people-come-to-his-speeches/

Consultant beaten up by wife after trying to use consulting jargon at home

Couldn't resist poking fun at my consultant friends. They earn five times as much as me but sound five times funnier.

Gurgaon. A recently married consultant working for one of the big four consulting firms in India was found beaten black and blue in the wee hours of the morning by this Faking News reporter. Early investigations by this reporter have indicated that the man was beaten up by his wife when he tried to use consulting terms to describe their relationship.

“There was no provocation from my end at all. I have no clue why she hit me,” the IIM A passout said. “I just told her that the incremental ROI from our arranged union was not providing me the kind of deleveraging I had hoped for. Net net, we needed to blue sky the arrangement and sharpen our pencils till the rubber met the road. Plus, we had an imminent requirement to augment synergies arising from the merger to crystallize the fact that we didn’t end up putting lipstick on a pig.”

This reporter managed to catch hold of the wife as well, who defended her actions. “I have no clue what the English he speaks means,” she said. “Even when he asks me for food, he asks me to instrumentalize requisite victuals ASAP. Of course, it was only to be a matter of time before he got beaten up,” she justified her actions.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/consultant-beaten-up-by-wife-after-trying-to-use-consulting-jargon-at-home/

With election ads off air, Delhiites to finally switch radios on again

I can finally switch the radio back again now that the Delhi elections and their concomitant radio jingles are done with. Satire.

Delhi: Opinion polls conducted by various channels have shown that with elections in Delhi finally over, most Delhiites planned to switch their radios in cars or at home back on again.

Life back on track.

For a few months, radio channels had been inundated with politicians seeking votes, torturing aural senses with jingles and alternating between tall claims and accusations.

“All the past month has been 30% cut in this and 50% cut in that,” Rani Jhansi, a bored housewife said.

“Radio channels were making so much money from the elections that they would not play songs for a few hours but keep playing Congress, BJP and AAP ads on loop in the afternoons. The irritating ‘Rukegi nahi meri Dilli’ theme is stuck in my head now. I hope in the coming months, radio channels will begin to play music again,” she added further.

“It will be no better yaar,” Pappu Prasad, another Delhiite said. “Now that elections are over, Noida property ads and Honey Singh’s songs will start again. I would rather listen to the honking of cars around me.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/with-election-ads-off-air-delhiites-to-finally-switch-radios-on-again/

Kapil Sibal threatens to post selfies if journalists keep asking him about his Tehelka stake

I just learnt what a "selfie" means. That led to this.


New Delhi: Union Minister for Law, Kapil Sibal, who happened to join Twitter recently, recently tweeted something that triggered a wave of mass panic and hysteria across the country. In a tweet made at 8:13 AM today, Mr. Sibal said- “Rahulji jst told me wat selfie means. Will post endless selfies soon if u kp askng abt my shares in Tehelka.”

The tweet caused a wave of panic to sweep across the nation with people ranging from office goers to college students shuddering at the thought of an endless stream of Mr. Sibal’s pics.

“You see I had this intense desire to hit on one of my colleagues a month back but then I saw a Sibal pic with all those eyebrow hair,” a corporate sector employee said. “My sexual desire has never recovered since. An endless stream of his selfies would be as good as castration for me.”

Meanwhile, foreign governments and even terrorist outfits ranging from the Tehreek-e-Taliban to Al Qaeda have reached out to the Indian government appealing for calm on the Kapil Sibal selfie front. “We appeal to the Indian government to put an end to this homegrown terror,” a statement released by Al Qaeda said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/01/kapil-sibal-threatens-to-post-selfies-if-journalists-keep-asking-him-about-his-tehelka-stake/

Sheila Dikshit promises world class traffic jams if voted to power again in Delhi

Inspired by a massive jam a kilometre away from my home. Satire.

Delhi: In a pre poll speech in Delhi, Sheila Dikshit claimed that the Congress government still had much to give to the citizens of Delhi after scams and inflation. Talking about Congress’ “hand” in the development of the city state, Ms. Dikshit claimed that her government would gift the city a marquee world class traffic jam if voted back to power again.

“There was a ten day long traffic jam in China whereas here in Delhi, we have managed at best six hour long traffic jams,” Ms. Dikshit said. “I promise that if we are voted to power again we will plan the construction of more BRTs, metro lines and flyovers so haphazardly that Delhi too shall have a world class traffic jam that shall rival China’s famous jam.”

Reacting to the opposition’s claims that the Congress government was responsible for high inflation in the capital, Ms. Dikshit reacted sharply, “Inflation is all part of an economic cycle. People must understand that I am a common housewife too and have been affected by inflation too… I now travel in a Honda City instead of a BMW to save on fuel expenses.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/01/sheila-dikshit-promises-world-class-traffic-jams-if-voted-to-power-again-in-delhi/