Manchester United to hire Congress spokespersons to pass off their disappointing season as “Football Nirman”

 Satire.

Manchester, United Kingdom: Reports suggest that after enduring a disappointing and (seemingly) trophy-less first season under David Moyes, Manchester United- one of the world’s richest football clubs has turned to one of the world’s richest political parties for help.

Ed Woodward, the CEO of Manchester United, has reached out to Sonia Gandhi, the president of the Indian National Congress in an attempt to learn how to put a positive spin on a disappointing year of football.

“We have just had one bad year but reportedly, this Indian National Congress party has been having five bad years,” Mr. Woodward said, in a telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter.

“In fact, the amount of revenue Manchester United Football Club has earned over the last twenty years is a little less than the amount of scam money the party has made from India in the past five. And yet it has spokespersons who defend it wholeheartedly and almost, brazenly. We want to learn from that.”

“We are trying to see if we can get Sanjay Jha or Manish Tewary over here as our official spokespersons,” Mr. Woodward said. “If someone can defend the theatrics of Mr. Rahul Gandhi, he can defend anything.”


http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/12/manchester-united-to-hire-congress-spokespersons-to-pass-off-their-disappointing-season-as-football-nirman/

In excitement to watch Satyamev Jayate, man jumps several red lights

Inspired by the weird promos. Satire.

Mumbai: Faking News has discovered a man who jumped several red lights, primarily to rush home in time to watch Satyamev Jayate- the talk show hosted by Aamir Khan.

The man called Tadapit Kumar was a software engineer, who had been called in to work by his boss on Sunday; however, Tadapit strongly believed it was his duty to his nation to watch the talk show and therefore, left work at 10:50 AM to catch the latest episode of the show.

“No no no… this has nothing to do with the promo ads; I was not the one in the promo ads, jumping the red light,” Tadapit said. “Mere paas to Maruti Alto hai.”

“Arre bhaiyya, the ones who were behind me – those who stopped at that red light – all of them did not want to watch Satyamev Jayate,” Tadapit said. “It was about to be 11 AM and if they really wanted to watch the show, they would have jumped the red light too.”

“I wish Aamir does one show on the plight of overworked, underpaid software engineers like me too,” Tadapit added later, after some introspection.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/12/in-excitement-to-watch-satyamev-jayate-man-jumps-several-red-lights/

Kejriwal questions Shah Jahan’s development model after he fails to find his ghost at Taj Mahal

The faster the rise, the steeper the fall. Satire for you, Mr. Kejriwal.

Agra: After having failed to meet Narendra Modi in Gujarat, Arvind Kejriwal turned up unannounced at Taj Mahal and sought an appointment with Shah Jahan. The appointment was sought, allegedly, to pose twenty four questions to Shah Jahan about the Mughal development model.

Shah Jahan is corrupt.

However, after Shah Jahan’s ghost refused to make an appearance, Mr. Kejriwal- Delhi’s ex Chief Minister- questioned Shah Jahan’s motives and claimed that the late Mughal emperor was too scared to answer Aam Admee Party’s questions.

“Main bahut chhota aadmee hoon,” Mr. Kejriwal said at Taj Mahal to a sea of reporters, while tourists and curious onlookers stared at him. “But I am Delhi’s ex Chief Minister. At least he could have offered me tea. Shah Jahan is dead; how can he be busy?”

“Now Manish is going inside to seek an appointment with him,” Mr. Kejriwal added. “Iss Taj Mahal mein Adani, Ambani aur kis kis businessman ka paisa laga hai… hum jaanke rahenge!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/10/kejriwal-questions-shah-jahans-development-model-after-he-fails-to-find-his-ghost-at-taj-mahal/

Traces of N D Tiwary’s DNA found in dinosaur fossils

It's plausible... Satire.

Egypt: Soon after 90 years old Congress leader N D  Tiwary accepted paternity of Rohit Shekhar, a paleontological dig in Egypt conducted by a team of scientists from National Geographic has found traces of Mr. Tiwary’s DNA in dinosaur fossils as well. The team was clearly scandalized with the results. On the other hand, Mr. Tiwary is reported to have shrugged and accepted the test results stoically.

“We are not sure how this has happened,” Dr. Tadapit Kumar, the palaeontologist in charge of the dig, said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “Clearly N D Tiwary is older and sexually much more active than we had earlier thought was possible for human beings. But this raises new questions now. Will all descendants of dinosaurs have the rights to Mr. Tiwary’s properties as well? Lizards? Snakes? Generic reptiles?”

While scientists and lawyers are trying to figure out causes and effects, political parties have jumped on to the issue. BJP has claimed that the incident proved that Congress will take India to dinosaur age with help of their leaders, while Congress has termed it as an UPA government achievement. “BJP is just jealous that nobody in their party is as potent as our leader,” said Congress leader Salman Khurshid.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/traces-of-n-d-tiwaris-dna-found-in-dinosaur-fossils/

Subrata Roy expresses disappointment over Kejriwal never exposing him

Seriously, what did Subrata Roy do wrong to not be exposed by the serial exposers? 

Satire.

Lucknow: Subrata Roy, the founding promoter of the Sahara Group, who was arrested by the UP police on Friday, has come out with a shocking statement.

Speaking to this Faking News reporter from the guest house where he was being detained, Subrata Roy predictably professed his innocence before going on to express his sorrow over the fact that the Aam Admi Party did not think it was important enough to expose him as well.

“The reported amount of my scam is tens of thousands of crores,” Mr. Roy is reported to have said. “Arre koi mujhe bhi toh importance do! Khalee Ambani-Ambani karte rehte hain!”

Having been caught after playing an elaborate game of cat and mouse with the Lucknow Police and trying to seek refuge under the pretence of an ill mother, Mr. Roy was understandably perturbed on not being ‘exposed’ by Arvind Kejriwal. “I am bigger than Ambani! I have sponsored the Indian cricket team and an F1 team… I even have a city named after me,” Mr. Roy exulted, referring to ‘Sahara Sheher’.

“All Ambani has is an odd shaped house in Mumbai that looks like a three year built with lego pieces,” he said. “And even then, Kejriwal chooses to go only after Ambani? What a shame!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/04/subrata-roy-expresses-disappointment-over-kejriwal-never-exposing-him/

Kejriwal admits he is “too chhota an aadmi for PM post”; will run for “Master of Universe”

Ever wondered how Kejriwal is always "too small" for the very post(s) he is running for?


Lucknow: In a rally in Uttar Pradesh’s capital today, Arvind Kejriwal- the face of the Aam Aadmi Party- seemed to reveal the reasons behind his quitting from the post of Delhi’s Chief Ministership. Revealing his plans for the future, Kejriwal rejected the possibility of him becoming Prime Minister, claiming he was “too small a man” for the job.

“Who am I to become India’s Prime Minister?” Keriwal asked the crowd of curious Lucknow-ites who had materialized to watch his speech. “Main bahut chhota aadmee hoon, sir. Main Prime Minister nahi ban sakta.”

“Only the post of Brahma- the Master of the Universe- suits my standing and abilities,” Kejriwal said. “For this post, I am neither too big nor too small… just the right size.” When someone in the crowd asked him how he was going to go about becoming the “Master of the Universe”, Kejriwal replied, without missing a beat, “Uske liye Yadavjee survey karva rahe hain.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/04/kejriwal-admits-he-is-too-chhota-an-aadmi-for-pm-post-will-run-for-master-of-universe/

After fresh capital infusion, Doordarshan to pay people money to watch it

3500 Crores to set up transmission for DD in Nepal! Oh, what is our country coming to!

Delhi: After the Cabinet Committee on Economic Affairs on Friday approved a Rs. 3,500 crore plan to upgrade infrastructure facilities of public broadcaster Prasar Bharati, Doordarshan announced plans of how it was going to use the monies.

Aside from plans to start broadcasting in Nepal, the business plan seemed to involve paying people in India to start watching the channel again.

Doordarshan has been steadily losing market share in the cut throat media industry, after the launch of private channels and with DTH replacing cable in a large chunk of households, rendering the channel a non-option even in the case of cable outages.

“We are not sure but there is a memo going around in our department that the scheme will be called something on the lines of Rajeev Gandhi Chalchitra Pradarshan Yojna,” a Prasar Bharti official said. “It will basically be an extension of MNREGA wherein instead of having to work to earn the promised monetary amount, people have the option of watching Doordarshan, instead of having to work.”

“Because in many ways, tolerating Doordarshan is hard work as well,” the official added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/03/after-fresh-capital-infusion-doordarshan-to-pay-people-money-to-watch-it/

To save money on wedding photographer, man befriends obnoxious colleague with DSLR

Dedicated to all the people who thought photography was as easy as buying a DSLR camera.

Gurgaon. An engineer called Tadapit Kumar working for an IT major was faced with a terrible dilemma when his parents fixed his marriage and told him that he would have to pay for it, as he had started earning money.

Tadapit soon realized that all his savings would be exhausted in paying the bills of the caterer, the tent-waala, the card printer, the tailor, et al. He would then be left with 1000 rupees left for wedding photography. “Those thousand rupees was to pay the cousins of my bride who would steal my shoes,” Tadpit told Faking News why he had no money left for paying a photographer.

“Wedding photography costs a bomb!” he claimed, “I asked around, and most people wanted my month’s salary just to take photos! How dumb is that?”

“So I have decided to befriend this really obnoxious person called Anupam in my office, who always makes a great show about owning a DSLR camera,” Tadapit added. “I only came to know because he keeps posting pictures on Facebook of his slippers or underwear hung out to dry or a cockroach caught in a spider’s web, to show off his photography skills.”

“He is an obnoxious person but everybody in my office has befriended him because of his DSLR and the amount of money it saves them on photographers for their various family functions,” Tadapit revealed.

Meanwhile Anupam, the obnoxious DSLR guy, has confirmed that he would be clicking pictures for Tadpit. “My portfolio is almost complete. Will use these final pictures and launch my website and photography Facebook page,” he explained.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/03/to-save-money-on-wedding-photographer-man-befriends-obnoxious-colleague-with-dslr/

Book Review: Enemy at the Gates by William Craig

I picked up this book to augment my ever growing collection of World War books. The book carries the same cover as the movie by the same name starring Jude Law and Rachel Weisz- scenes from which have remained embedded in my head ever since I saw it. Remember the scene where Vasily Zaytsev, a shephard from the Urals, becomes Vasily Zaytsev, the super-sniper? Surrounded by the corpses of his comrades, he shoots dead seven or eight Nazis with a political officer beside him- a political officer who goes on to propagate the myth and legend of Vasily Zaytsev.

However, 'Enemy at the Gates' (thankfully) is not the story of Vasily Zaytsev, not just his story anyway. It is the story of how Stalin made Stalingrad a sort of a last stand; after all, the city had the Boss’ name in it. It is the story of how the Russians and Germans fought- hand to hand at times. It was incredible for the boy in me, so fascinated by war, when the two sides wrestled for control of factories or houses or incredulously, for rooms of houses. Battles were fought literally to take control of houses or rooms at strategic locations. The blood and gore in the story almost seeps off the page and into one’s room.

Vasily Zaytsev’s story remains my favorite part of the book but the book is essential reading to understand how our world came to be the world it is. The incredible story of how the Russian soldier- so often outgunned, outfed and outmaneuvered by the shrewd, well fed and up to date Nazi- took the city back, fighting and sacrificing his life for gains of a few yards of earth at times. The plight is later chronicled by a book called Ivan’s War but I felt Enemy at the Gates was the best in-situ description of the plight of 'Ivan'- the generic Russian soldier- who seemed to be propelled by morale and a fear of slaughter by Stalin’s political officers alone.

Must read.

Book Review: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

I was surprised when I heard that this book was being made into a movie because the book in itself is quite anti-climactic. It is safe to say that I have never read such a book in my entire life- told in the way it was; so brave for an author to actually at times to reveal the end, without worrying about the reader feeling shortchanged. After all, the whole point of a book is to know what happens at the end.

But the whole point of 'The Book Thief' is to enjoy the journey Zusak affords you. Set in Nazi Germany in World War II, the book is a look at the futility of war and genocide from the eyes of a young girl. The book moves forward at a leisurely languid pace; the best analogy that I can use to describe the book is that it is like a train journey through a scenic countryside- and you chug along to the rhythmic bumping of the train, entirely captivated and moved by the world passing you by.

The Book Thief is set in a world that just passed us by. Narrated, dramatically (initially), poetically (later) and hauntingly (eventually) by Death, the storytelling is an experiment that clearly works.

What I do not understand is how someone will convert the poetry of the prose to film. The whole point of the story of 'The Book Thief' is that you have to read it to understand its beauty.