PMO to dub silence over Manmohan Singh’s speeches to make them more believable

An unnamed source from within the UPA has revealed that the Prime Minister’s Office has begun dubbing silence over all sounds made by the Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in public, in an effort to make him more believable. The elaborate scheme incorporates sound technology imported from Germany and includes coughs, sneezes and other bodily sounds as well.

“Yes, it’s absolutely true,” the source said, on condition of anonymity. “Most people haven’t heard Manmohan Singh speak for years now. If they do hear him speak now, there would be considerable panic in the system, more foreign investors will flee the country and there may even be riots somewhere.”

“Whatever the situation, the Prime Minister’s prime stance has to be silence,” the source added. “Be it incursions by China or Myanmar or Pakistan, inflation, crimes against women… Even acidity after a heavy meal is covered under this scheme. Theek hai?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/13/pmo-to-dub-silence-over-manmohan-singhs-speeches-to-make-them-more-believable/

UPA to showcase growth in Nepal, Bhutan, Bangladesh, etc. in next Bharat Nirman ads

Satire.

After staking claim to developments that will happen in the future in India, the Information & Broadcasting Ministry has decided to include the story of economic development in Nepal, Bhutan and Bangladesh as well, in the next phase of Bharat Nirman Ads.

Bharat Nirman aunty to now talk about development in Nepal, Bhutan, Bangladesh, etc.

An inside source within the UPA government has revealed that some of India’s neighbors have actually grown at a rate higher than India and the government doesn’t want to miss out on communicating that.

“We firmly believe our mismanagement of India has caused some of these neighboring countries to grow at a really fast clip,” the source said, on condition of anonymity.

“Several industrialists have told me first hand that the Indian approval process for capital inflow is so bad that they would rather invest in Nepal or Myanmar or even Syria. So clearly we are causing growth of these countries and the Indian population deserves to know that.”

“We are reviewing the addition of a couple of other countries like Pakistan & Sri Lanka to this list as well ,” the source added.

“Someone in India recently made a movie that was set in Sri Lanka, involving Rajiv Gandhiji, so clearly we must be responsible for the economic growth of the country.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/11/upa-to-showcase-growth-in-nepal-bhutan-bangladesh-etc-in-next-bharat-nirman-ads/

Rohit Shetty’s next movie to show SRK sleeping for three hours

Dedicated to recent Bollywood "blockbusters".

After the stupendous success of Chennai Express, Rohit Shetty- the famed director and member of the prestigious 300 Crore club- has decided to do away with the script entirely for his next movie.

100% pure SRK movie, nothing else, no one else.

Per Mr. Shetty, the next movie tentatively titled “Snore Express” would have footage of a bankable star like Shah Rukh or Salman Khan sleeping for three hours.

“SRK or Salman bhai- whoever the final hero is- might either be sleeping or reciting the letters of the alphabet in loop- I have not decided which,” Shetty said. “I can assure you that there will be absolutely no semblance of any script at all this time. Not even onewritten word.”

Insiders say, however, that Rohit’s hand might have been forced by the rising diesel prices which make blowing up cars financially unviable, even if a film ends up earning 300 crores.

When questioned that such a movie might actually not work commercially, Rohit Shetty replied, “Even Manmohan Singh sits and does nothing. Only his eyes move from left to right as if he has spotted a faraway lizard. Yet people turn on the news to watch him, of course, my movie will work.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/09/rohit-shettys-next-movie-to-show-srk-sleeping-for-three-hours/

Obama to release “Syria Nirman” ads to convince detractors on Syria bombing

Dedicated to the US' enthusiasm in attacking oil rich countries. Satire.

The President of the United States, Barrack Obama, has confirmed that his administration has decided to turn public opinion on attacking Syria by borrowing a leaf from the Indian government’s book.

Speaking at a press conference from the White House, Mr. Obama announced that the US- much like the Indian government- would be releasing “Ho raha Syria Nirman” ads to convince the world that bombing the country is the right move.

Nobel Peace Prize Winner President Obama

“I spoke to Mr. Rahul Gandhi, the Vice President of the ruling party in India,” Obama said. “Initially Mr. Gandhi elucidated the self confident mating habits of bees at length and I began to think that he was bonkers.

But then, he explained his government’s brilliant scheme- the Food Security Bill, a bill that will solve the issue of poverty by increasing food inflation in the country and hence, making the poor poorer.”

“Our strategy is similar,” Mr. Obama said. “We want to kill Syrians to stop Syrians from killing Syrians. And the advertisements will go a long way in helping the world understand this message.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/11/obama-to-release-syria-nirman-ads-to-convince-detractors-on-syria-bombing/

UPA blames Facebook for all past riots, threatens to cancel its Aadhar Card

 Reaction to the simplistic explanation given by UP's government to riots in the state. Satire.

New Delhi: Following the Uttar Pradesh government’s initiative in blaming Facebook for riots in the state, the Central government has also decided to go ahead and blame the social networking site for all past, present and future riots.

Issuing a statement to the press, Abhishek Manu Singhvi, spokesperson for the Congress said, “It is amply clear that there are far too many Narendra Modi fan pages on Facebook- so it has to be communal. Soniaji or Rahul baba, on the other hand, do not even have a Facebook account. Therefore, we hereby declare Facebook non secular and communal and propose to cancel its Aadhar Card.”

When pointed out that Facebook might not really have an Aadhar Card, Mr. Singhvi replied quickly, “Do not worry… We will issue a letter to the founder of Facebook to come to India, attend an Aadhar Card camp, get his fingerprints, eye scan, etc. taken- so that we may first issue the card. As soon as the card is issued we will cancel it.”

When a reporter raised the point that even people from Congress like Mr. Digvijay Singh were on social media platforms, Mr. Singhvi replied by saying, “Aha! But no one takes Digvijay Singh seriously. If he ever tried to initiate riot with a tweet or a Facebook post, most people would just laugh it off as just another dim-witted comment from him.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/09/upa-blames-facebook-for-all-past-riots-threatens-to-cancel-its-aadhar-card/

New “No Honking” traffic sign introduced in India

A little bit of fun with Photoshop.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/08/new-no-honking-traffic-sign-for-india/

Inspired by Bharat Nirman Ads, Rahul Gandhi travels for miles on Temple Run

Couldn't resist. Rahul Gandhi's stupidity is the stuff legends are written about.

New Delhi: Sources within the Congress Party have revealed that Rahul Gandhi has been playing Temple Run non-stop for over four days after having seen some Bharat Nirman ads. Apparently, Rahul was never shown the ads before their release on TV. Party media managers feared that he might end up making some inconsequential confusing remark containing several metaphors, which the eternally servile Congress party workers would then have had to follow.

Sources reveal that Mr. Gandhi was watching the daily soap “Agle Janam mujhe bitiya hee keejo” when one of the Bharat Nirman ads started playing on his TV. Rahul was, reportedly, particularly inspired by the female lead in the ad whose mere words make a corrupt shopkeeper non corrupt. This he felt was exactly same as the UPA government’s strategy of continually saying good sounding things in the hope of resolving issues. As per one of the sources, Mr. Gandhi was so inspired by the female that he kept muttering “Queen bee… Queen bee” intermittently.

However, reportedly that phase passed and Mr. Gandhi got hooked on to “Temple Run” on his iPhone.
Insiders have confirmed that Mr. Gandhi is still playing the game muttering “Meelon main aa gaya, meelon mujhe jaana hai” at regular intervals.

Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Congress spokesperson, vehemently denied the report calling it malicious, mal-aligned, mal-nutritious and a couple of other heavy sounding words. “What Mr. Gandhi does should be his business,” he said. “In any case, Mr. Gandhi does not even have a smartphone. He uses the same phone that he stole borrowed from one of the dalit houses he had free food at,” he added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/09/07/inspired-by-bharat-nirman-ads-rahul-gandhi-travels-for-miles-on-temple-run/

Why I read

Most people function as if they are eternal. They go through their assumed eternal lives chasing things that are hardly eternal; chasing careers, money, foreign postings... women. They become Assistant Managers and Managers and Associate Vice Presidents and Vice Presidents and if they are lucky, one day, they become something that sounds important enough to impress a waiter at a high end restaurant to arrange a table for them five minutes earlier than he would for an average walk-in.

All of this is based on the grand assumption of being immortal. Or perhaps it is the other way round. Lives, careers, families, education even perhaps are all built to foster the grand illusion- to make us forget what Keynes so eloquently said, "In the long run, we are all dead." And everybody forgets that- the smartest people in the world, the highest paid- the ones who run corporations and nations and terrorist organizations. We are all terminal. In the long run, nobody gets out of a life alive.

It pains me when people smarter than me or older than me do not realize their mortality. What will a great investment, an extra degree, a better sounding title, a bigger house, a higher paying job provide you except emptiness. Hardly anyone I have met in my life has had a higher order calling- hardly any of my friends or peers or seniors or juniors speak of this. How do you define where you want to reach? And what happens when you get there? Where does it end?

I think I owe a life to a higher order calling. What shall it be? Impressing a waiter thirty years from now? Or simply, to understand what almost no one will- the objective, the meaning of everything. I don't want my life to be defined by Abraham Maslow's pyramid. I want to understand why I was put here. Everyday, I put my head down and try to learn something new. It gives me a purpose in life; maybe one day I will have read enough- enough classics or satire or mythology or history or warfare or politics or semi-entertaining crap to make sense of this. That shall be my one true way out of this. I simply wish to understand "Why".

It is incredible how much wool we pull over our very own eyes.

Havell's

My first ad film in FMS... written, produced, directed and shot by Mani Ganesh & me.

Actors: Bhatia (the cute kid) & me.

Nestle Polo

The precursor to the Hole Story Campaign... An ad film Dharam & I (Team BOP) made for Nestle executives at FMS Fiesta. We broke Varsha's camera whilst making it. Luckily we won second prize- which covered the camera's repair and left some cash to spare.

Script/ Acting by me. The Awesome Voiceover is by Dharam. Note how Dharam's accent goes (quite inadvertently) from urban dude at the start of the vid to Haryanvi Jat/ Mohit Chahar at the end.