The Great War Of Hind: On Deal Today!

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An interview with e-Books India (Transcript)

Please tell us about you. Where are you from? What is your professional background and how did you become an author?

I am an MBA from FMS, Delhi and an engineer from Delhi College of Engineering. I have actually held a day job for the last six years since I graduated from FMS. I wrote my first book in the second year of B-School: the intention was to tell the B-School story no one was talking about – the unglamorous murky truth of how the premier league MBA ecosystem in India almost collapsed when the 2008 global recession hit. And well, I had always wanted to write ever since I read my first Famous Five book what seems like aeons ago.

To a lot of authors, the dream is to write a bestseller and retire. While I had flirted with the thought initially when my first book came out six years ago, I eventually realized that a classical author’s job is lonely, depressing and dark. You basically sit in a room waiting in despair for the right idea, the right words, and the right characters to come to you. I doubt I will ever be a full time author – as it is, I can hardly write when I am at peace or with time on my hands. The best ideas always come to me when I am pressed for time; it is the constant grind of life that makes me an author, for the most part.

What types of books do you write?

It often takes a very different technique to write different kinds of books – which is why most science fiction writers only write science fiction, comedy writers only write comedy, mystery/thriller writers only write mystery/thrillers and so on; for the most part anyway. I grew up on a diet of all kinds of books, all of which I secretly wished I had written – and what I have discovered overall about myself is that I tend to be fairly ambidextrous when it comes to writing. I just need to train for a particular style if required. Training takes months but primarily involves reading the masters of that genre and noting their techniques. You learn a lot from masterpieces but you learn more from bad books from the masters of a particular genre. For example, one of the books in the Harry Potter series (the 4th book if my memory serves me right) or Douglas Adam’s Dirk Gently series are both written by masters but have significant flaws compared to the authors’ earlier works. For an author like me, it is absolute gold to read mediocre to bad books by great authors… it’s like seeing an elaborately constructed building with the foundations and the wiring showing; it just makes understanding how to write the genre much easier.

My natural voice is cynical, which is where the first book ‘If God Went to B School’ fit in. Over time as I started reading satirical articles on Faking News a few years back, I discovered that I could easily slip into satire writing (which led to my 300+ posts for Faking News so far). But reading the novelized history of the Mughals (by the husband-wife duo going by the pseudonym ‘Alex Rutherford’) made me realize I wanted to write historical fiction. I enjoyed the books so much that I wanted to write that genre! Which is how ‘The Great War of Hind’ was born.

I remain perennially besotted with sci-fi comedy too; inevitably, I will write a book or a series in this genre. Maybe a few years down the line.

Can you please tell us a bit about your most recent book entitled The Great War of Hind, its overall plot and the key characters in it?

The overall idea of the book is around how we believe epics written by Valmiki and Ved Vyas to be about Gods and real men. To me, Valmiki and Ved Vyas were the Stan Lee’s of their generation, who wrote these stories to regale people. In parallel, I had been toying with a simple logical idea of creation – God creating man and animals – and I saw no better way to tell the story than to pick mythological characters everyone knows and plug them into a story of the origin of mankind and animal-kind and how and why it all happened, and what happened after. ‘The Great War of Hind’ and ‘The Legend of Ramm’ series are built around this kernel.

Are you working on any other book(s)? If so, can you please tell us what we can expect to see from you in the future?

Well, I am sort of obligated to finish this series (Legend of Ramm) now that I have started it. So that will be a couple of years of my life at least. Unless something else catches my fancy next, I should write the sci-fi comedy I have been hungering to write for a long time after that.

Can you please tell us about your approach to writing? For example, do you follow structures and writing rules? Or do you write in a free flow way? Do you have any particular time of the day you like to write? Or any specific environment you prefer to sit down and write?

A significant amount of time for me goes in establishing the skeletal structure of the plot first. This takes a month or more (sometimes much more). Writing for me is about threading the needles I have laid down, as the plot. But it does get complicated at times. You might have a great idea while writing that completely muddles up the plot, or find it impossible to write to stick to the plot structure. So it is a tedious bone-crunching process.

I write best when I am constrained for time, when I am tired and stressed. There is no particular time for me – I just try and get in a little bit of writing everyday.

From your experiences, could you please share 2-3 top tips to help beginner authors who want to publish a novel?

Read, read every day. And read the classics first to get a grounding in the language. You’ll get nowhere by reading the complete works of Chetan Bhagat.

Write a lot. Write your own blogs or for blogger networks. Keep that animal in you alive.

Be meticulous. A comma in the wrong place on one page can shave a point off book reviews. Every brick is important; every speck of cement is important in what you are building.

It’s quite another thing to sell a book in India though but in the long run, good writing, strong plot structure trumps short term gimmicks. Not everything you write will be a blockbuster hit, even if you get a selfie with some minor celebrity holding up your book.

How can people find out more about you?

I tweet from @vaibrainmaker. I collate my satirical articles, book reviews and other random thoughts on the universe on my blog. My three books are on Amazon here: http://amzn.to/1YAvSYy

Over the next few years, the number of books will hopefully go up. God willing.

Book Review: No Shortcuts to the Top: Climbing the World's 14 Highest Peaks by Ed Viesturs

Continuing on with my current obsession with mountaineering stories (which started with Jon Krakauer's 'Into Thin Air') I picked up Ed Viesturs's 'No Shortcuts to the Top', wanting to understand the other 13 peaks higher than 8000 m. (Krakauer's book talks of the 1996 Everest tragedy only.) Viesturs climbed the peaks over a period of a decade and a half - all without bottled oxygen.

Overall, I found the book hardly as inspirational or riveting (compared to Krakauer's, which arguably though has far more interesting base material) as advertised. It is the story of a man who had the physiology and the common sense at most times to let go of summit attempts, and to go through climbing all fourteen 8000'ers without even losing a digit to frostbite. Beyond that, there is not much going on for the book, except if you are a hardcore Viesturs or mountaineering fan. Some of the peak stories are disappointingly described: for example, "climbing peak XXX alpine style in 3 days" is not really what you expect when you read a book with such a title.

What I found interesting were the human stories, whenever Viesturs (and his ghost writer) step away from himself or mountaineering or his theory of "Summiting is optional, getting back is mandatory" and tell stories of real human beings who died or survived the mountains. People like J. C., Chantal, Scott Fischer, Rob Hall, et al bring an otherwise very very niche book alive.

Read only if you want to understand mountaineering.

Airtel to build ‘4G Girl’ temples where Airtel customers can pray for a good data connection

Inspired by my own Airtel connection. Satire...

Gurgaon: Airtel today announced that it will build “4G Temples” where its customers would be able to come and pray for a working data connection. After a lot of people complained that 4G seems to be working only at places where 4G girl goes, Airtel decided to build these temples with her statue to extend their network.

People will have a choice of praying to the ‘4G Girl’ statue in the temple or making a monetary contribution to the ‘4G Temple fund’, Airtel said, to help themselves achieve a better data connection on a spiritual plane.

“We have tried everything, but our data signals only work in a 100 meter radius of our corporate office and in a 200 meter radius of wherever our Airtel 4G Girl goes. We thought about cloning her to improve our connectivity across the country but that would have been too expensive and won’t have increased our revenues either. Now,temples will be cheaper plus we will get some donations as well,” a senior executive with Airtel said, on condition of anonymity.

“Somehow our network automatically deducts 1 to 2 Gs from anyone’s data signal speed. So a 4G generally works at 2G speed, a 3G at 1G speed and 2G data signals don’t work at all. Therefore, we decided to build these temples where people can come and pray for a working data connection from the queen of 4G speed”, said the executive.

“This will also help us reduce our customer service workforce,” he added. “We had hired a few thousand people under MNREGA last year who would sit around, take some calls and act clueless on phone with our customers. Now we will just play a recorded message for people complaining about their data signals that they can go and pray at their nearest Airtel 4G Temple.”

Meanwhile, some skeptics have said that nothing like 4G speed exists and it is just superstition.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/airtel-to-build-4g-girl-temples-where-airtel-customers-can-pray-for-a-good-data-connection/

The Great War of Hind on Deal today!

The Great War of Hind available at 56% off only for the next 8 hours! (Rs. 98. Free Delivery). Click here to purchase: http://amzn.to/1MXL8Om

Book Review: The Looming Tower by Lawrence Wright

'The Looming Tower' is another excellent book on terrorism: chronicling Al Qaeda's rise from Afghanistan/ Pakistan post the Afghan Soviet war to 9/11. The book should ideally be followed up with a reading of 'Manhunt' which rounds up the Bin Laden narrative.

The initial parts of the book, while insightful, are somewhat tedious reading, especially for a reader expecting Wright to jump right into Bin Laden and Zawahiri. The story of Al Qaeda, in fact, begins with Sayyid Qutb, moves on to Abdullah Azzam and then segues through Prince Turki and the CIA to land at Bin Laden and Zawahiri - two very unlikely allies.

What I loved most about the book though was the story of John O'Neill - a bullheaded Anti Bin Laden - and a host of other supporting characters, who were all blinded and hobbled by idiotic bureaucratic policies and rivalries between US security agencies such as NSA, CIA and FBI (to which O'Neill and his I-49 squad belonged). The book picks up pace with the Taliban leader Mullah Omar granting refuge to Bin Laden, becoming a veritable thriller leading up to the planes hitting the towers.

I loved the book though I trudged through the first half. For the O'Neill story alone, the book deserves to be read.

Bangladesh officially retires from international cricket; to celebrate India’s losses as victories

 Celebrating Bangladesh cricketing world's obsession with India... Satire.

Dhaka, Bangladesh: In a first of its kind move, Bangladesh announced its retirement from international cricket, having lost nearly 70% of all international matches it has ever played. Bangladesh, who failed to score 2 runs in 3 balls to potentially qualify for the World Cup Semi Finals, seemed to have gotten the motivation from Mushfiqur Rahim tweeting, “’Happiness is this’.!!! #ha ha ha..! India lost in the semifinal.” Mushfiqur later apologized but claimed that he was happy because he was a big West Indies fan.

“While we will consider India’s losses as our victories, we are also debating if we will consider West Indies’ wins as our victories, considering our wicketkeeper Mushfiqur is such a big fan of the Windies,” Mr. Chandika Hathurusingha, Bangladesh’s cricket coach said. “The national cricket team will hereafter collect in one large auditorium periodically to watch India’s matches and if we decide in favor of it, West Indies’ matches on TV only.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/bangladesh-officially-retires-from-international-cricket-to-celebrate-indias-losses-as-victories/

Ekta Kapoor offers permanent job to ISI men who made the ‘Indian spy confession’ video

Satire...

Mumbai/Pakistan: Ekta Kapoor, the self-styled queen of Indian TV, has offered a permanent job at
Balaji Telefilms to the ISI men who scripted, directed and edited the ‘Indian spy confession’ video. The video, which stars Kulbhushan Jadhav as a RAW agent and has about 128 cuts in less than six minutes, jarring camera movements and sudden shots of Kulbhushan laughing– reminding one of a snippets from any and every K-Serial ever made, reportedly pleased Ms. Kapoor so much that she banged her ring laden fingers on her throne at Balaji Telefilms and inexplicably screamed, “Kkkulbhushan!”

While the Pakistani establishment has yet to formally react to this offer, a source in ISI told this Faking News reporter that the offer was being seriously considered. “The ISI is very confused who it is targeting India, Taliban, Afghanistan, NATO or Nawaz Sharif’s government”, the source said, on condition of anonymity. “This leads to a lot of work related stress. We are essentially trying to kill jo bhi asaani se mar jaaye, uss hafte. At least, in Balaji, our people will have clarity on what to do everyday.”

Meanwhile, Arnab Goswami took the opportunity to pronounce both Ekta Kapoor and the letter ‘K’ as traitors.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/ekta-kapoor-offers-permanent-job-to-isi-men-who-made-the-indian-spy-confession-video/

Man beaten up by journalists for not knowing religion of people who beat him up earlier

Satire...

New Delhi: A man was reportedly beaten up by a group of journalists after he failed to recall the caste and religion of the people who had beaten him up earlier.

Tadapit Kumar, a resident of Mehrauli in Delhi, was beaten up by about ten news journalists, both from print and TV media, who had come to his house to report on the beatings Tadapit Kumar took earlier in the day. Tadapit was beaten earlier in the day by a group of boys after an argument over a parking spot on a busy Delhi road. Tadapit suffered a broken left hand as a result of that beating.

“How can you not remember the caste or religion of the men beating you up? That is the first thing I would take note of if I was getting beaten up,” a senior editor of a Noida based national channel said.

“Every man who is getting beaten up should have the courtesy to find out the caste and religion of his attackers so that news channels can properly report the incident. Now how do we know if he was beaten up over Caste differences, communal issues, Beef eating or for refusing to say Bharat Mata Ki Jai? Then same people will say quality of reporting is going down,” said the news anchor of a leading English news channel.

When Tadapit tried to say that it was an incident of road rage, he was slapped again and told to keep quiet by a journalist.

As Tadapit, who suffered a broken hand in the first beating and a broken leg in the journalists beating, got up to leave for work for his job as a mall security guard, the group of journalists revealed that they plan to camp at his house, hoping that they will eventually figure out a caste or religion angle.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-beaten-up-by-journalists-for-not-knowing-religion-of-people-who-beat-him-up-earlier/

Man planning to travel to places shown in Airtel ad to get a 4G Signal

If you have seen the irritating Airtel 4G ads and you do happen to have an Airtel connection, you know what it is like to be on the world's "fastest" network. Satire.

New Delhi: Inspired by the latest Airtel 4G Ads, a Delhi based software professional has decided to travel to all those far flung places in an attempt to catch 4G signal. Akshay Kumar, living in West Delhi is a long term Airtel customer but has struggled with their 4G connection since its launch.

“I was using Airtel 3G connection earlier but the connection was a bit like Rohit Sharma’s form. Incredibly good on some days, disappeared on other days. Then I saw the Airtel girl asking everyone to move to 4G, I was tempted and took the bait. However, since then my connection has become like Shahid Afridi’s batting, a big hit once a month and totally pathetic the rest of the time”, Akshay said.

“My connection only ever works in my home’s bathroom if I point it towards the exhaust fan at an angle between 45.5 degrees and 46.75 degrees. Sometimes it also works when I hold it near our kitchen stove at an angle between 31.1 and 32.2 degrees. So when I saw the latest 4G Ads showing full network connectivity in remote places, I decided to go there and enjoy the benefits of 4G Network”, Akshay went on to add.

When pressed for details, Akshay said, “I have taken a 2 months vacation to visit all those places shown in the Ad. I will be traveling around the country searching for the elusive 4G signal. I will be starting at Shimla and then move South. If I don’t get the signal even at those places then I am going to be following that 4G girl around as apparently, wherever she goes, signal follows.”

When asked whether he has thought about changing his network provider to get 4G signal at his home, Akshay smiled and said, “What is the point. They are all the same. With a different provider, I will have to tilt my phone at 48 degrees instead of 45.5 now.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-planning-to-travel-to-places-shown-in-airtel-ad-to-get-a-4g-signal/

World Cup Final called off after news channels find 1,000 random people predicting a West Indies win

Never understood why news channels interview people on the street for their views before every match! Satire...

Mumbai/ Delhi/ Bangalore/ Kolkata: The ICC World T20 final was called off after no one any
news channel interviewed thought England would win the final. Having taken the opinion of about twenty random ex-cricketers who all predicted a West Indian win, the news channels turned to anyone they could find on the street – all of whom predicted a West Indian World Cup win too. The ICC reportedly took suo moto cognizance of this and decided to call off the final.

“Ashish Chopra and Debankar Gandhi predicting an England win is one thing but once you have Arnab Goswami calling your representative on his channel and showing him video footage of hundreds of people all supporting West Indies, there is very little you can do,” Zaheer Abbas, the President of the ICC, said. “So, we have decided to call off the final… after all, Mr. Goswami believes why even have a final in India with no Indian team in it, which everyone already believes one team will win.”


“We are all very scared of Mr. Arnab Goswami,” Mr. Abbas added.