HR gifts tarazus to employees demanding work-life balance

Dedicated to my friends in consultancy firms, I-banks...

Mumbai: At a prominent BKC based consultancy firm, the Human Resources department has come up with a unique solution to deal with persistent employee complaints regarding work-life balance. The department handed out tarazus (weighing scales) with “Work” written on one side and “Life” on the other to all of its thousand employees.

“All these new MBA types kept pestering us for a better work life balance,” a senior HR manager in the firm said on condition of anonymity.

“They have to understand this is not bloody Europe with 4 hour workdays and 30 hour work weeks. If you want to earn money here in India, you have to sit late in office clearing out that urgent spreadsheet your boss needlessly committed to the client he would send by end of day. This speed of delivery helps our clients appreciate the speed and passion that is integral to our organization’s culture, even if most of the spreadsheet is a work of fiction.”

Pappu Prasad, a 2009 passout from IIMA, who joined the firm from campus attracted by the salary package and the fact that the company was so hard to get into (having had eleven interview rounds), trashed the weighing balance in front of this reporter.

“What will I do with this?” he exulted angrily. “Damn HR guys keep doing these tick mark activities to look busy. I haven’t seen my wife properly in three years. In fact I have serious doubts if our baby is mine, considering I haven’t had any kind of relations with my wife in three years.”

“You can even report my damn name in your news report,” he added. “I am going to go and smash this tarazu on someone’s head now.”

A few zombies/ consultants working for the firm, accosted this Faking News reporter as he got off the lift, murmuring quietly to him, “Help us please.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/28/hr-gifts-tarazus-to-employees-demanding-work-life-balance/

UPA expected to respond to Modi’s Sardar Patel statue with 5000 foot tall Honey Singh statue

Incredible amount of politics over a long dead leader's statue. Satire.


Delhi: Inside sources from within Congress party headquarters have revealed that the party would soon come out with its response to Narendra Modi’s proposed statue of Sardar Patel with a statue project of its own. However none of the Congress’ allies could agree to a common figure whose statue could be built.

“Every regional party in the mix wants a statue of their own leader,” a Congress source said on condition of anonymity. “Mamta Didi wants a statue of herself. Mulayam Singh Yadav wants a Mulayam Singh Yadav statue,” he said. “Only two people did not ask for statues of themselves- Madam Mayawati who said that she already has enough statues to last her a thousand lifetimes and Rahul Gandhi, who for whatever reason, asked for a Krishh statue. He really loves kids’ movies you see.”

“I have no clue what they’ll all finally agree to,” the source said, “But Honey Singh seems to have a good chance. He’s a top class guy… whenever there are crimes against women, we blame his songs for causing them. And he takes it sportingly. In fact he releases songs which are even more misogynistic thereafter.”
“I think we’ll put the statue up in Delhi,” he added. “Then Sheilaji can easily say the situation is not in her hands… but in those of Honey Singh.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/20/upa-expected-to-respond-to-modis-sardar-patel-statue-with-5000-foot-tall-honey-singh-statue/

Man sells all off ancestral land to buy land in Farmville

Dedicated to all those who sent me Farmville requests.

Gurgaon: Rajesh Mishra, a forty year old senior executive working for a software MNC in Gurgaon, has become the first man in the world to sell off all his physical assets to buy virtual property.

This farm has more returns these days.

“I got hooked onto the game four years ago when I got promoted to Vice President and had to attend an average of five team meetings in a day,” Mr. Mishra said in an exclusive interview with this Faking News reporter. “All these meetings were part of some ‘3.0’ strategy that my company had mandated. However, within one year of these meetings, I was so bored that I came close to committing suicide. It was at this point that Farmville entered my life.”

“But now over the past four years and ten thousand team meetings, I have managed to reach Elite Platinum Gold Tier level in Farmville,” Mr Mishra added. “I have sold off all my ancestral land and properties to buy my way to this level but at least I am not suicidal anymore.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/18/man-sells-all-off-ancestral-land-to-buy-land-in-farmville/

Indian Mujahideen requests Government for special status amongst terror outfits

Terrorist organizations need 'special statuses' too. 

Satire.

Delhi: With several of its top operatives caught and investigative agencies breathing down its neck, the Indian Mujahideen has asked the Indian government to bestow special status upon it. The organization claimed that, like the Bihar government, it cannot sustain its growth rate without special support from the government.

Since attacking Indian cities doesn’t seem to evoke any reaction from govt, IM has threatened to drone attack its own hideouts if demands are not met.

“We are a completely Indian outfit and like all Indian branches of Multi National Organizations, we have been severely impacted by this 4% growth rate and high inflation rate here in this country,” a senior operative said, on condition of anonymity. “How can we buy material for making bombs when the entire budget we get goes into buying onions and tomatoes and now evensalt? We are trying to kill Indians to avenge some killings in a context that I have forgotten about, but this inflation is killing us in turn.”

When quizzed about future plans in case the outfit went bankrupt, the operative replied, “I don’t know. I think we will begin hoarding onions and tomatoes now… that is where the real terrorist action is these days.”

However Indian Mujhaideen is confident that as long as Congress led UPA govt is there and there are generous leaders like Sushil Kumar Shinde to take care of their needs, nothing can hamper their spirit.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/18/indian-mujahideen-requests-government-for-special-status-amongst-terror-outfits/

UPA to reserve “Right to dream” for Gandhi family

Dedicated to the dreams of the Gandhi family. Satire.

After claiming that various things that happened to India were the dreams of Rajiv Gandhi or Indira Gandhi or Jawaharlal Nehru or Motilal Nehru, the UPA government has issued a press release noting the “Right to dreaming” would soon be reserved exclusively for the Nehru/ Gandhi family.

Rahul seeing yet another dream.

Digvijay Singh, senior Congress leader and jester-in-chief at Race Course Road said, “We want only secular forces in this country to dream… and until we are sure that no communal dreaming is happening, we are reserving the right to dream for Sonia madamji, Rahul Gandhiji, Priyanka Gandhiji, Robert Vadraji and the progeny of Vadraji and Priyankaji.”

When quizzed over what the Congress party would do if Rahul Gandhi happened to suddenly declare this move ‘nonsense’ as well, Mr. Singh replied, “We will of course, retract the move and claim that was our plan all along. We are more flexible than the BJP, you see,” Digvijay Singh said. “We have the perpetual capacity to stoop even lower.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/18/upa-to-reserve-right-to-dream-for-gandhi-family/

Shakespeare’s ghost makes appearance; requests Bollywood to stop stealing his stories

I wish filmmakers allowed Shakespeare's stories to die, once and for all. After all, we already know all the endings!

Mumbai: Late last night, the ghost of William Shakespeare was captured and thereafter interviewed on India TV. The ghost revealed that he was tired of filmmakers stealing off his stories to make movies and requested them to come up with their own scripts.

“They just keep stealing my stories and making movies again and again on them,” the ghost said. “Everybody already knows the story; what is the point of making movies about them again and again?” he added, especially with reference to the now extremely overused “Romeo & Juliet” story.

“What strikes terror into my heart the most is an Indian filmmaker called Ram Gopal Verma,” the ghost said. “I am afraid he will take notice of my stories too and end up making some terrible movie with a name like James or Shiva basing it on one of my stories. Oh God! If that happens, I will end up dying again!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/17/shakespeares-ghost-makes-appearance-requests-bollywood-to-stop-stealing-his-stories/

Rahul Gandhi claims his dreams enabled Sachin to score half century in his last test

Rahul Gandhi, you have better things to do than watch cricket. Make speeches, barge into press conferences, remember 'mummy', 'papa', 'dadee', etc. 

Satire.

In a pre election rally speech in Madhya Pradesh, Rahul Gandhi has claimed that he had dreamt of Sachin Tendulkar scoring a half century. He also claimed that had his “papa” and “dadi” been alive, together the three of them would have managed to dream enough for Tendulkar to score a double century in his last innings as an Indian cricket player.

Rahul was even generous enough to share the pic where he can be seen sleeping and dreaming. Though Gandhi's don't need to sleep to dream; they are gifted.

“I dreamt of Sachin scoring a century but he fell short by just 26 runs,” Rahul Gandhi said. “Maybe it’s because the crowds began chanting Modi Modi when I walked in and that disturbed Sachin’s secular shot selection. Had papa and dadi been alive, Sachin would have made 200 easily with the power of our dreams.”

When asked about Sonia Gandhi’s point of view on the matter, Mr Gandhi said, “Mummy was sick, so I could not ask her what she dreamt about.”

After Rahul’s speech, Digivijay Singh, not one to turn down an opportunity to entertain, added, “I also dreamt of Rahulji dreaming the dream that helped Sachin make the runs. And see the power of the dream… Sachin fell only 26 runs short. Just like the GDP growth rate of this country… which is just 5 percentage points short of 9%.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/16/rahul-gandhi-claims-his-dreams-enabled-sachin-to-score-half-century-in-his-last-test/

WHO reports massive illness outbreak in Indian corporate sector on erstwhile Muhurram holiday

The Muhurram holiday confusion gave the satirist in me something to satirize about.

Dedicated to all those people who had to cancel their movie/ long weekend bookings because of the moon changing alignment suddenly.

The World Health Organization has come out with a disease alert specifically for the Indian corporate sector for Thursday 14^th November 2013. The organization noted that an incredible number of corporate sector employees fell temporarily sick on Thursday- which was originally supposed to be the holiday for Muhurram.

Muharram being celebrated with joy and happiness across India.

Almost all HR Managers Faking News tried to reach out to were on holiday themselves, citing illnesses ranging from cough & cold to the impact of the gravitational pull of the Muhurram moon impacting their delicate health balance. A single HR person found working for XYZ Consultants who was reachable, blamed the Indian government for arbitrarily shifting the holiday at short notice, causing long weekend plans of employees to fall into disarray. “They should try such tricks with other communal festivals like Diwali and Holi otherwise secular people wont spare them,” the HR said.

“I myself had planned to go to Lonavala on the day,” the manager who was reachable said, “But now I am (cough cough) sick because of the Muhurram moon is in effect and forced to be working from home.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/16/who-reports-massive-illness-outbreak-in-indian-corporate-sector-on-erstwhile-muhurram-holiday/

CBI disappointed with being declared legal again, forced to cancel “Teen Patti” tournament

The travails of our "Caged" Bureau of Investigation are incredible. Satire.

After a Supreme Court order stayed the Guwahati High Court order that had given CBI officers time to take a break from investigations, Ranjit Sinha- the director of the CBI- expressed his regret at the development. Apparently, in the two days that the agency had ceased working, the organization had gone ahead and set up an interdepartmental “Teen patti” tournament which it would now be forced to cancel.

Speaking to reporters from outside his cage office, Ranjit Sinha said, “We are all tired of all these cases and investigations where the government asks us to stop investigating and the Supreme Court asks us to keep investigating. Frankly, we were all rejoicing after the Guwahati High Court, in all its wisdom, declared us unconstitutional. I finally thought we would have a chiledl life like the Ministry of Culture or Rahul Gandhi.”

“We had even deputed our best sleuths to organize a teen patti tournament which we are now being forced to cancel,” Mr. Sinha added morosely. “We even bought one lakh packs of cards at zero loss rates. What will we do with them now?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/12/cbi-disappointed-with-being-declared-legal-again-forced-to-cancel-teen-patti-tournament/

Kyazoonga found to be owned by famous small farmer

The now famous ticketing portal placed a banner on their main page assuring cricket lovers that the tickets meant for them were being put to good use.

Satire.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/12/kyazoonga-found-to-be-owned-by-famous-small-farmer/

Man clicks on festive offer ad online, buys island by mistake

There's this BJP ad that has been chasing me across sites somehow. I understand the cookie based algorithm. I despise it chasing me relentlessly. Satire.

New Delhi: A bored software engineer in Gurgaon became the first Indian to purchase an island after he clicked an ad that said “Unbeatable festive offer” online. In a strange twist, the small island, located somewhere to the south of the Lakshwadeep islands, happened to be owned by the same company he worked for.

The banner, he clicked on, was something like this

However, Mangat Ram, a trainee engineer at ABC Software, was none too pleased with the development.

“They tell me I can pay off the cost of the island in six lakh easy EMIs,” he said, looking shell-shocked, “What could I have done? The ad was so shiny and bright and this really cute looking girl in the ad kept asking me questions, which I don’t really remember. I just kept clicking on ‘Yes’.”

“We were buying a lot of assets before the Lehmann crisis of 2008 and just could not offload all of them like this island,” a senior HR executive for the company said, in a telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter, “Plus, earlier this year we realized that most of our employees were spending their time on Facebook or Cricinfo or Faking News instead of actually working. So we customized an online ad targeted on our company servers to offload the island.”

“The employee in question is a trainee engineer and has been offered a Pay 20% now and rest on possession scheme,” the HR executive added, “As the click on the ad is a binding contract, we realize that the employee will have to work for us for 20,000 years to pay off the installments for purchasing the island. So we have allowed him to lease us his progeny so that they might work for us for the 20,000 man years required to purchase the island.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/man-clicks-on-festive-offer-ad-online-buys-island-by-mistake/

I&B Ministry asks news channels to air Big Boss type reality shows with Congress leaders

The Congress govt of the date reminds me of George Orwell's books that were decades ahead of their time. And our grand old party is decades behind its time. 

Satire.

The Information & Broadcasting Ministry has issued an advisory to news channels asking them to focus on covering Congress leaders only, in a Big Boss kind of format, instead of featuring on communally divisive leaders.

“We do not understand why these news channels cannot just focus their time and energy covering young dynamic leaders like Rahul Gandhiji or Manish Tewariji or Digvijay Singhji as they go about their daily activities,” a spokesperson from the I&B Ministry said. “After all, the world needs to know how the people misgoverning our country spend the better part of their days.”

The government owned TV channel, Doordarshan, which most people haven’t watched in the last fifteen years, has already started preparing to implement the move. “Instead of Big Boss, we will call the show Zero Loss or something like that to emphasize that no state exchequer funds or resources will be wasted in covering Congress leaders 24 by 7,” a spokesperson for Doordarshan said.

While most news channels protested against the move, portals such as Faking News welcomed it. “We get twenty articles every time Rahul Gandhi makes a speech,” Pagal Patrakar, the Editor in Chief of Faking News said. “Imagine the kind of content we will get is somebody is covering him 24 hours a day. Instead of people like Rakesh Roshan, I will be sitting on 200 crores!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/10/ib-ministry-asks-news-channels-to-air-big-boss-type-reality-shows-with-congress-leaders/

Congress declares Krishh 3 songs unconstitutional as well after opinion polls

The songs of Krissh 3 suck. Big Time. Couldn't resist... Satire.

The Congress led UPA government continued on its spree of declaring things unconstitutional and issuing haphazard diktats by issuing a warning to the makers of Krissh 3. Reports suggest that the warning was issued for having too many weird songs in the movie.

In a move that harks back to the Indira Gandhi Emergency days, the government issued a stern notification to cinema halls forbidding them from playing the songs. Makers of the movie which has such classics as “God Allah aur Bhagwaan ne banaya ek insaan” and a dance number oddly titled “Raghupati Raghav Raja Raam” termed the reports as speculation, however.

“The songs are preposterously, outlandishly and ridiculously lyricized by what appears to be a ten year old tea stall boy serving the beverage to Rakesh Roshan,” I&B Minister Manish Tewary said in a press release. “It is ridiculous that the movie has already made 200 crores and here at the Centre, we are still operating at zero loss business models, making nothing at all.”

Reports suggested that cinema halls have been asked to either mute the songs when they play or play Rahul Gandhi’s speeches along with visuals of the songs. It appears Kangana Ranaut/ Priyanka Chopra will soon be gyrating to any one of Rahul Gandhi’s masterpieces, ranging from the “mummy” speech to the “bee hive” speech to the “escape velocity” speech.

“We employed five MBA- Control C, Control V- types for writing the script and they managed to copy all the best sequences from English movies,” Rakesh Roshan, the man largely to blame for the assault on everyone’s senses, said. “But after paying these bloody MBAs we had no money left over for hiring decent songwriters.”

“Even if the order comes to pass, you see, my understanding is that both Rahul Gandhi and Krissh 3’s songs are ahead of their time,” Rakesh Roshan said, signaling that he was either OK with the move or had already made too much money from the movie to care. “So the audiences do not appreciate their worth right now. Anyhow you see how twenty years later, people will begin appreciating the artistic beauty of Krissh 3.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/09/congress-declares-krishh-3-songs-unconstitutional-as-well-after-opinion-polls-goldman-sachs-namo-speeches/

Pak requests US drones to attack only civilians, not terrorists

Found Pakistan's response to this hilarious. Decided to satirize it.

Islamabad, Pakistan. After a US Drone attack killed Hakimullah Mehsud, the head of the Pakistani Taliban, Pakistan has requested USA to attack only civilians and spare the terrorists for maximum impact.

Many in Pakistan are outraged that this guy was killed in a drone attack

“What’s the point of making life tougher for everyone?” Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif argued, “Look, everyone, from Imran Khan to Iran and China, is condemning the latest attack even though drone attacks have been going on for years.”

“I don’t know why Obama is behaving like a dehati aurat and spoiling it all,” Mr. Sharif is reported to have said, but the use of the word “dehati aurat” is disputed.

Later talking exclusively to Faking News, Pak PM confirmed that he has spoken with the US president and asked him to “take it easy”.

“Pakistan has ample population and we can afford losing a few civilians, but after losing Osama Bin Laden, we have very few world class terrorists left in the country. US should understand this if they want to continue operating in this area.”

Trying to reassure the terrorist community, Sharif added, “There is no need to panic. All mujahideens will be safe in Pakistan. We have explained to the USA why they shouldn’t attack the mujahideens.”

“You cannot keep killing terrorists if you want sustained peace in the region and a resolution to the Kashmir problem,” Sharif is reported to have explained to Obama.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/pak-requests-us-drones-to-attack-only-civilians-not-terrorists/

Snowden reveals Rahul Gandhi’s phone intercepts gave him reason to live

All that talk of leaked intercepts and no mention of the nation's son? 

Satire.

Edward Snowden, the ex US military man famous for leaking several US state secrets, has now revealed that Rahul Gandhi’s phone intercepts gave him the strength to take on the mighty United States machinery.
Snowden said in a phone conversation with this Faking News reporter that Rahul Gandhi’s intercepts gave him and still give him motivation to live everyday.

“His phone conversations gave a new meaning to my life, they made me feel alive,” Snowden said. “I must say I have read the Faking News website and have found that Rahul’s actual conversations are a thousand percent more entertaining.”

When asked which conversation he found most entertaining, Snowden said there were so many that it had become difficult to choose. “Mr. Gandhi would usually call up random people to try and convince them to vote for the Congress party,” he said, amidst peals of laughter.

“After that, he would end up trying to get himself invited to their house to have food there. What would happen after that is incredibly funny. Some people would hang up the phone but most would use incredibly colorful swear-words for him.”

“After that, Mr. Gandhi would mostly end up crying loudly on the phone wailing Mummy Mummy,” Snowden added laughing. “Still lights me up everytime.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/11/01/snowden-reveals-rahul-gandhis-phone-intercepts-gave-him-reason-to-live/