Hosteler beaten up for not having an opinion on Salman Khan verdict

Salman Khan is now, my Rahul Gandhi. A new-found gold mine of satire!

New Delhi. A hosteler at Delhi Technical University (DTU, formerly Delhi College of Engineering) was beaten up after he confessed to not having any opinion on Salman Khan’s five year jail term.
The incident took place last night after a bunch of hostelers got into a tense argument after watching Arnab Goswami rake up the issue in his Newshour segment and ended up beating the only person in the room who did not proffer any opinion.

“Tadapit Prasad is from Kerala; so he perhaps did not even know Bollywood,” one of the beaten-up hostelers friends said, on condition of anonymity. “We usually watch Arnab Goswami’s show to laugh at Arnab Goswami but yesterday tempers were running high between a faction of us that supported the jail term and a faction that was wearing Being Human T-shirts and hence, supported Salman Khan. Both these factions began to shout slogans and jeer and eventually after someone in the ‘Jail Term’ faction referred to the mother of someone in the ‘Being Human’ faction rather colorfully and people almost came to blows. It was at this moment that Tadapit raised his voice and said that Salman Khan was not worth fighting over and that he did not care whether Salman Khan eventually got released from jail or died there.”

“It was at this point that both factions beat him up instead of each other,” Tadapit’s friend concluded.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/hosteler-beaten-up-for-not-having-an-opinion-on-salman-khan-verdict/

Abhijeet’s driver claims responsibility for “Sleep like a dog, Die like a dog” tweet

Oh, what a delicious controversy! In Salman Khan's words, "too much fun".

Satire.

Mumbai: In the wake of singer Abhijeet Bhattacharya making a controversial tweet in support of Salman Khan post his conviction in the hit and run case, Abhijeet’s driver has come forward and claimed responsibility for the tweet.

The Twitter handle @abhijeetsinger had earlier posted today: “Kutta rd pe soyega kutte ki maut marega, roads garib ke baap ki nahi hai I ws homles an year nvr slept on rd.”

Apart from bad spellings, it meant that poor people shouldn’t have slept on roads (though the victims were sleeping on footpath), because road didn’t belong to them, and that if one slept like dogs on roads, they die like dogs on roads.

Tadapit Kumar, the driver in question, claimed that he had tweeted from his employer, Abhijeet’s phone, as soon as he saw the news on Salman Khan’s conviction.

“I found Abhijeet sir’s phone and find this blue bird on it and then use it to send SMS to my friend about Salman bhai’s jailing. It is not Abhijeet sir who is doing this,” he clarified.

When asked about the shiny Rolex on his wrist, Tadapit replied, “I am buying this with my hard earned money. Not any gift Abhijeet sir has given me.”

Meanwhile latest news report suggest that Salman Khan’s driver has decided to appeal in Bombay High Court to get punished.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/abhijeets-driver-claims-responsibility-for-sleep-like-a-dog-die-like-a-dog-tweet/

After being ridiculed for copying Nepal tributes from his phone, Rahul Gandhi to get SIM card implanted in his brain

Satire!

New Delhi. After being ridiculed across social and traditional media for copying tributes for Nepal earthquake victims from his phone, Rahul Gandhi, the Congress heir-apparent has reportedly decided to go ahead and get a SIM card implanted in his brain. Sources within the Congress party on the condition of anonymity said that the implant was being sponsored by party funds.

“It is a cool new thing,” a Congress leader said, on condition of anonymity. “Rahul baba can now get Sonia madamji’s commands or suggestions wirelessly, instead of having to copy them or refer to them on his phone. It is new technology that the Congress party is bringing to India. What is Mr. Modi doing in his ‘Make in India’?”

Meanwhile, sources from within the Chinese company executing the implant said that the experimental move came with certain side effects. “After the implant, Mr. Gandhi might heat up unexpectedly at times,” an official at Chooyee Technology said, “And at times, start ringing. The Congress party has asked us to record some of his famous speeches as ringtones, in case he starts ringing.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/after-being-ridiculed-for-copying-nepal-tributes-from-his-phone-rahul-gandhi-to-get-sim-card-implanted-in-his-brain/

Book Review: The White Tiger by Arvind Adiga

To me, 'God of Small Things' has always been the gold standard for the kind of book that should win a Booker. Booker winning book after book since has disappointed me sorely. The Booker Prize it seems, is more about the one eyed amongst the blind and not really the best book of the year.

That said, 'The White Tiger' is a good book in itself even though one feels the reason it won a Booker is because it showcases the slimy unspoken underbelly of India, all of us Indians are well aware of. In that sense, I think it is an important book (and perhaps that was the criterion for it winning a Booker?) in bringing about (potential) social change.

I did not enjoy 'The White Tiger' too much. It read like an okay-ish blog to me and a big let down compared to Roy's "God of...". That said, it is still readable, even though somewhat predictable.

Book Review: The Zoya Factor by Anuja Chauhan

I was somewhat surprised that I liked 'The Zoya Factor' so much. I expected to merely pass the time on a flight with the book; what ended up happening was that I was perhaps the only one not sleeping (or not trying to sleep) on a late night flight, completely hooked to Anuja Chauhan’s first.

The story line and plot points can be predicable at times – Zoya’s love story, its ups and downs, India winning cricket matches (with a purely fictional ease) – but Chauhan’s very Delhi lingo and colorful characters help you forget the kinks in the plot. The characters are real and lively, with their own idiosyncrasies and that is what made ‘The Zoya Factor’ worth the read for me.

Recommended.

Book Review: The Brethren by John Grisham

John Grisham is perhaps the only author I know who has the capacity to write both masterpieces and books that deserve purely to be used as footrests/ shredded. 'The Brethren' is Grisham's first book that I know of that manages to tread middle ground.

The story of three convicted ex-judges and a Presidential hopeful, 'The Brethren' starts off at hectic pace but manages to fizzle off at the very end. What it lacks sorely is one of Grisham's thoroughly entertaining courtroom scenes.

A purely airport read... even so, there are far better airport reads. Grisham most likely was writing to meet a deadline; not to tell a story he badly wanted to tell.

On numerologist’s advice, Arvind Kejriwal changes his name to ‘Aaaarrwindddd 13500.85’

Inspired by the events of the day. Satire.

Delhi: Delhi’s Chief Minister, Arvind Kejriwal, has become the first person in the world to have a
decimal point in his name, after changing his name to ‘Aaaarrwindddd 13500.85’. Sources within Aam Admi Party said that Arvind took the extreme step on the advice of his numerologist, whose advice he sought after the recent spate of controversies he had found himself embroiled in.

“All our calculations have been going haywire ever since Arvindji joined politics,” Pandit Tadapit Bhushan (unrelated to Prashant Bhushan), apparently Kejriwal’s personal numerologist said in a telephonic chat with this Faking News reporter. “The numbers and decimal point is the only way to give his career some balance,” he continued. “Otherwise, these episodes will keep happening.”

Defending Kejriwal’s decision to make his name rather ludicrous, Kumar Vishwas said, “Badal de jo rajneeti ke saam-daam, uska naam hai Aaaarrwindddd terah hazar paanch sau dashamlab aath paanch.”

Meanwhile Ashutosh tweeted, “Brest of lukk, Aaaaarwind!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/04/06/on-numerologists-advice-arvind-kejriwal-changes-his-name-to-aaaarrwindddd-13500-85/

IIT researchers discover 25000 new ways of spelling “Aggarwal”

Inspired by the bevy of Aggarwals I have met! Satire!

New Delhi. A team of researchers at IIT Delhi has discovered 25000 new ways of spelling the surname “Aggarwal”. The researchers, led by Dr. Tadapit Kumar, had been working on a project to lower the cost of defense manufacturing when they got distracted by this subject and started working on it.

“It always troubled me ever since I was a young child as to how every Aggarwal that I met had a different spelling,” said Dr. Tadapit, the author of the report and leader of the research team, said.
“Sometimes they would use the letter ‘e’, sometimes ‘u’, sometimes ‘a’ for the ‘gar’ or ‘wal”. I even found a Bengali ‘Aggorwol’. And the output is much better than what we had found for the defence manufacturing thing – which was to basically import the final product from Israel,” he added.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister lauded the effort as being in line with his “Make in India” scheme. The Congress was quick to denounce this and labelled “Aggarwal” a communal and non-secular surname that would help push RSS’ and VHP’s respective agendas.

“The only reason this is happening is because our supreme leader, Shri Rahul Gandhi, is on leave,” Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Congress spokesperson said. “Otherwise he would have called this nonsense and torn up something.”

Away from politics, the researchers insist that this will help budding entrepreneurs in coming up with unique names for their new ventures.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/iit-researchers-discover-25000-new-ways-of-spelling-aggarwal/

Congress to celebrate Rahul Gandhi’s return from sabbatical as Diwali

I probably miss Rahul Gandhi more than his partymen. Satire!

Delhi: Soon after Congress scion, Rahul Gandhi, went on a sabbatical in the midst of the Budget session of Parliament, the party has announced that it would celebrate his return, whenever that might be, as Diwali.

“Even Shree Ram went to the jungle… the Pandavas went too,” Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi said, in a press conference. “Mr. Rahul Gandhi deserves a break from the pressures of royalty. And of course, when Mr. Gandhi decides to return, having vanquished all demons, we will celebrate his return as our Diwali.”

“No, he’s not gone to a jungle,” Mr. Singhvi said, reacting to a question.

Setting aside speculation that Mr. Gandhi had used the opportunity to retire from active politics, Mr. Singhvi said, “Rahulji is our God; he can never retire. Even while he is miles away from us, he keeps providing us inspiration… sometimes through email forwards, sometimes through Whatsapp and sometimes by giving us missed calls and not picking his phone when we call him back. He is truly a father figure for the Congress party.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/07/congress-to-celebrate-rahul-gandhis-return-from-sabbatical-as-diwali/

Abuse part of my fitness regimen, no malicious intent behind abusing journalist: Kohli

Inspired by the events of the day! Satire.

Australia: After reports emerged of Virat Kohli having abused a journalist profusely (and that too the
wrong journalist), the Indian vice captain chose to clear the air with an interview. Speaking exclusively to this Faking News reporter, Kohli said that his swearing was part of an intricate regimen that helped him stay in shape as a cricketer.

“Ever since I was a little kid, I have been beginning my days with a phir subah ho gayee benc**d or iss alarm clock kee to maa kee… There’s nothing new in this,” Kohli said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “I do 100 reps of ma*arc**d, 50 reps of benc**d and 50 reps of suar ka pattha everyday. It is a part of my exercise regimen.”


“To be frank, I did not even know the journalist,” Kohli continued. “He just walked up real close to me when I was doing my set of ma*arc**d reps… So he got the full blast. Nothing I can do about it. This guy should have been more careful.”

Meanwhile, Congress raised the issue in the Rajya Sabha and wondered why the Prime Minister was silent on the issue. “The PM should resign,” Sanjay Jha, Congress spokesperson said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/04/abuse-part-of-my-fitness-regimen-no-malicious-intent-behind-abusing-journalist-kohli/