Arnab Goswami declares himself winner of all past & future Newshour debates

Satire... 

New Delhi: Arnab Goswami – the famed conductor of and primary noise generator on the daily Newshour debate on the Times Now news channel – today declared that he was the winner of all past and future Newshour debates. Mr. Goswami made the claim in a debate today on the channel when a panelist questioned his authority on the issue being debated.

It was a normal noisy hour on the Newshour debate on the topic of whether the NDA government was better or the preceding UPA government, when suddenly, reacting to a question from Congress spokesperson Randeep Singh Surjewalla, Mr. Goswami declared that he was the winner of all past and future Newshour debates and thus had authority over any and every issue. This led to another round of simultaneous speaking by three of the five panelists with no one able to understand what was being said. According to eyewitnesses at the studio however, it seems Mr. Goswami kept enunciating repeatedly, “You question me? I am the winner of all Newshour debates… I am the winner… I am the winner.”

Tadapit Bannerjea, a C.R. Park resident and regular viewer of Newshour, said, “I usually watch Newshour because it generates so much white noise that it covers up the sound of the disco next door and I can sleep in peace. But today I could not sleep… Ornob-da has finally said he is the winner! We are all so proud!”

Reportedly, Mr. Goswami will conduct the show from today onwards wearing a sash saying “WINNER!” in bold.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/01/arnab-goswami-declares-himself-winner-of-all-past-and-future-newshour-debates/

Rahul Gandhi claims ‘Vendetta Politics’ after getting a mosquito bite in Parliament

Satire...

Akbar Road, New Delhi: A day after being released on bail by the Delhi High Court in the National Herald case, Rahul Gandhi today claimed that he had further evidence of vendetta politics. Accompanied by his mother and Congress party supremo, Sonia Gandhi, Mr. Gandhi rolled up his pajamas to show a clutch of red spots on his upper thigh, which he told the reporters gathered around were mosquito bites.

Even as Ms. Gandhi averted her eyes from her son and stared ahead slightly abashed, Rahul tore into the BJP blaming the majority party for the mosquito bites. “The BJP has been releasing mosquitoes near where I sit in the Parliament,” he said to reporters who had gathered around him. “That is the reason we keep rushing into the well of the house… to avoid the mosquitoes. Else we would not stop the functioning of the Parliament.”

“They were clearly RSS mosquitoes, because even when I kept telling them – ‘Shoo‘, they kept returning,” Mr. Gandhi said. “Only RSS mosquitoes are this intolerant.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/21/rahul-gandhi-claims-vendetta-politics-after-getting-a-mosquito-bite-in-parliament/

Company selling bottled air to sell both bottled tolerance and intolerance in India

Satire...

New Delhi/ China: ‘Vitality Air’ – the Canadian startup that recently started selling bottled fresh air in China – today announced plans to enter the Indian market too. However, the company said that the market for selling a couple of other commodities was larger in India than bottled fresh air.

“We will launch bottles of both tolerant and intolerant air in India, “Sam Jones, CEO of Vitality Air said. “We have seen that people in India do not care too much about dying from side effects of pollution. Instead we have found the chemical formulation of both tolerant and intolerant air molecules. After inhaling these molecules, an individual is likely to become tolerant if he uses our tolerant canister and vice versa for the intolerant canister”.

When asked about the timelines of the launch, Mr. Jones said, “We will launch it when the next Parliament session starts. That way, Members of Parliament will be able to gift these canisters to each other in the session”.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/company-selling-bottled-air-to-sell-both-bottled-tolerance-and-intolerance-in-india/

Kejriwal blames Earth for rotating too fast after he slips in bathroom

Satire...

New Delhi: Arvind Kejriwal today came out with a scathing statement after he slipped in his bathroom while bathing. Just a day after claiming that Modi/ Jaitley were responsible for the CBI raid on a Delhi government bureaucrat, Mr. Kejriwal blamed the earth for rotating too fast as the cause for him slipping.

“Go and tell Mr. Modi that his strategy will not work”, Kejriwal said angrily to a bunch of reporters gathered outside the Delhi Secretariat. “Today for ten seconds, the earth seemed to rotate too fast and that too in the wrong direction and I slipped while taking a bath”. When someone in the press asked Kejriwal if he had suffered from an easier to explain attack of vertigo, Kejriwal refuted the claim and said, “It is Modi… We have proof. We will show the proof soon”.

Meanwhile, Congress protested in the Rajya Sabha and blocked functioning of the Upper House as usual blaming the BJP for Kejriwal slipping.

“The RSS has done this earlier to me too,” Rahul Gandhi said. “This strategy of intolerance will not work in India. We will protest against this for the next few days, before we find some other topic to protest on.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/kejriwal-blames-earth-for-rotating-too-fast-after-he-slips-in-bathroom/

Driver invested in National Herald without telling us: Sonia Gandhi

Another one in the latest Salman series. Couldn't resist. Satire.

10 Janpath, Delhi: Boldened apparently by Salman Khan’s acquittal in the 13 year old Bandra hit and run case, Sonia Gandhi today claimed that the National Herald case too involved the Gandhis’ driver. Speaking at a national meet of the Congress party today, Ms. Gandhi said that Tadapit Kumar, Rahul and her driver of fifteen years, was the actual investor in National Herald and not the Gandhis.

“I want to confirm today that it was our driver, Tadapit-ji, who had given the Rs. 90 Crore loan to acquire a controlling stake in National Herald,” Ms. Gandhi said, amid cheers and applause from the crowd of Congress party-men at the meet. “”Tadapit-ji did so without informing Rahul or me, and his only mistake was that he happened to once share a cigarette with Mr. Subramanian Swamy’s driver, post which Mr. Swamy started falsely implicating us in this case.”

“It is the intolerance of the Narendra Modi government that they are targeting innocent people like us, whose drivers happened to innocently invest 90 Crores in a company,” she continued. “We will raise this issue on the floor of the house.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/driver-invested-in-national-herald-without-telling-us-sonia-gandhi/

Delhi man buys car with square root of negative two on the number plate

Satire...

New Delhi: Faced with the prospect of having to use unreliable public transport for up to three days a week, Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working for an MNC in Gurgaon but residing in South Delhi found a novel way to solve his impending woes. Tadapit traded in his old Honda City for a smaller car with square root of negative two on the number plate.

“I have to travel twenty five kilometers every day from home to office”, Tadapit said. “The only way I can do that by public transport is if I change three buses, or change two buses, take the Metro and then take one of those congested shared autos… or walk to work… none of which is an option really with a boss like Chaddha who expects me to be in office by 9:30 sharp and cancels my attendance if I come in at 9:31. So, you see, I had to do this number plate thing”.

“Square root of negative two is an imaginary number – far from being even or odd”, Tadapit said. “Any division by two will lead to an imaginary result… hence, for all mathematical purposes, my license plate and thus by extension my car too has to be imaginary”.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/delhi-man-buys-car-with-square-root-of-negative-two-on-the-number-plate/

Salman Khan not only innocent, but a virgin too: Bombay High Court

Inspired by the acquittal... Satire...

Mumbai: After acquitting Salman Khan in the thirteen year old hit and run case, the Bombay High court claimed that Salman or ‘Bhai’ as he is popularly known, was not only innocent but a virgin as well. The almost fifty year old Salman had claimed to be a virgin on Karan Johar’s eponymous show,‘Koffee with Karan”, a few years ago.

“The court case proves a malicious intent to malign the image of Mr. Khan who is as innocent as Robert Vadra”, Justice Joshi, the presiding judge at the High Court said in his order acquitting the actor. “This court strongly believes every word that Mr. Khan has uttered as the gospel truth, including his claim of being a virgin.”

‘Bhai’ fans celebrated the verdict with victory processions throughout the city. Several of them agreed with the Court’s assessment of the actor’s virginity. “Itne busy aadmee hain bhai… karne ka time nahin toh milega hoga,” Vikresh, a Bandra resident said, while distributing laddoos.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/salman-khan-not-only-innocent-but-a-virgin-too-bombay-high-court/

Faith in corruption restored with Salman verdict, black money begins returning to India

Satire...

Mumbai: On the same day that the Bombay High Court acquitted Salman Khan of all charges in the infamous Bandra hit and run case 13 years ago, a little over thousand crore in black money returned to India. Businessmen brought back black money parked abroad, convinced that the no one would prosecute the wealthy and the well-connected.

“If Salman had gone to jail, we would have lost faith in our judicial system”, Babu Yadav, a Bihar based businessman said, using his country-made pistol to shoot in the air, in celebration. “Just like the High Court has asked the police to prove that Salman was drunk, we will ask the government to prove that this money is black. After all, the color of this money is still the same”.

Investors pumped money into the the stock markets as well and the Sensex rose by a 1000 points as a result. Foreign investors returned to Indian equities, some of them confirming that with Salman now free, ‘achhe din’ were finally here. “We are happy that Mr. Khan is free,” Mark Mobius, CEO of Franklin Templeton said, “and we congratulate the Modi government wholeheartedly for finally festering a culture of tolerance. What best to counter claims of intolerance than letting off a murderer?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/faith-in-corruption-restored-with-salman-verdict-black-money-begins-returning-to-india-sensex-rises-1000-points/