Daya attempts suicide after CID office introduces ‘open door’ policy

Satire. 

Mumbai: Daya, a man who has been Chief Inspector for over 20 years, reportedly attempted suicide after CID today announced an ‘open door policy’.

Chief Inspector Daya who was accustomed to entering the office or barging into rooms by breaking down a door or two, was reported to have been distraught ever since the announcement was first made.

“Daya was unable to recover from the shock that he would never be able to break open doors in our office anymore,” Inspector Abhijeet – Daya’s colleague and apparent confidant – said.
“In fact even our ACP Saheb, ACP Pradyuman, would usually begin the day by shouting out ‘Daya darwaaza tod do’, so he is quite distraught with this new policy as well.”

This Faking News reporter found Daya bear-hugging a discarded wooden door in his hospital room. “I wonder what I will do with my life now,” he said.

Meanwhile Rahul Gandhi raised Daya’s issue in the Parliament. “Why is this ‘suit-boot’ sarkaar is removing red tape from everywhere? In our ten year rule, we closed doors on literally everything.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/26/daya-attempts-suicide-after-cid-office-introduces-open-door-policy/

Hosteler beaten up for not having an opinion on Salman Khan verdict

Salman Khan is now, my Rahul Gandhi. A new-found gold mine of satire!

New Delhi. A hosteler at Delhi Technical University (DTU, formerly Delhi College of Engineering) was beaten up after he confessed to not having any opinion on Salman Khan’s five year jail term.
The incident took place last night after a bunch of hostelers got into a tense argument after watching Arnab Goswami rake up the issue in his Newshour segment and ended up beating the only person in the room who did not proffer any opinion.

“Tadapit Prasad is from Kerala; so he perhaps did not even know Bollywood,” one of the beaten-up hostelers friends said, on condition of anonymity. “We usually watch Arnab Goswami’s show to laugh at Arnab Goswami but yesterday tempers were running high between a faction of us that supported the jail term and a faction that was wearing Being Human T-shirts and hence, supported Salman Khan. Both these factions began to shout slogans and jeer and eventually after someone in the ‘Jail Term’ faction referred to the mother of someone in the ‘Being Human’ faction rather colorfully and people almost came to blows. It was at this moment that Tadapit raised his voice and said that Salman Khan was not worth fighting over and that he did not care whether Salman Khan eventually got released from jail or died there.”

“It was at this point that both factions beat him up instead of each other,” Tadapit’s friend concluded.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/hosteler-beaten-up-for-not-having-an-opinion-on-salman-khan-verdict/

Abhijeet’s driver claims responsibility for “Sleep like a dog, Die like a dog” tweet

Oh, what a delicious controversy! In Salman Khan's words, "too much fun".

Satire.

Mumbai: In the wake of singer Abhijeet Bhattacharya making a controversial tweet in support of Salman Khan post his conviction in the hit and run case, Abhijeet’s driver has come forward and claimed responsibility for the tweet.

The Twitter handle @abhijeetsinger had earlier posted today: “Kutta rd pe soyega kutte ki maut marega, roads garib ke baap ki nahi hai I ws homles an year nvr slept on rd.”

Apart from bad spellings, it meant that poor people shouldn’t have slept on roads (though the victims were sleeping on footpath), because road didn’t belong to them, and that if one slept like dogs on roads, they die like dogs on roads.

Tadapit Kumar, the driver in question, claimed that he had tweeted from his employer, Abhijeet’s phone, as soon as he saw the news on Salman Khan’s conviction.

“I found Abhijeet sir’s phone and find this blue bird on it and then use it to send SMS to my friend about Salman bhai’s jailing. It is not Abhijeet sir who is doing this,” he clarified.

When asked about the shiny Rolex on his wrist, Tadapit replied, “I am buying this with my hard earned money. Not any gift Abhijeet sir has given me.”

Meanwhile latest news report suggest that Salman Khan’s driver has decided to appeal in Bombay High Court to get punished.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/abhijeets-driver-claims-responsibility-for-sleep-like-a-dog-die-like-a-dog-tweet/

After being ridiculed for copying Nepal tributes from his phone, Rahul Gandhi to get SIM card implanted in his brain

Satire!

New Delhi. After being ridiculed across social and traditional media for copying tributes for Nepal earthquake victims from his phone, Rahul Gandhi, the Congress heir-apparent has reportedly decided to go ahead and get a SIM card implanted in his brain. Sources within the Congress party on the condition of anonymity said that the implant was being sponsored by party funds.

“It is a cool new thing,” a Congress leader said, on condition of anonymity. “Rahul baba can now get Sonia madamji’s commands or suggestions wirelessly, instead of having to copy them or refer to them on his phone. It is new technology that the Congress party is bringing to India. What is Mr. Modi doing in his ‘Make in India’?”

Meanwhile, sources from within the Chinese company executing the implant said that the experimental move came with certain side effects. “After the implant, Mr. Gandhi might heat up unexpectedly at times,” an official at Chooyee Technology said, “And at times, start ringing. The Congress party has asked us to record some of his famous speeches as ringtones, in case he starts ringing.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/05/after-being-ridiculed-for-copying-nepal-tributes-from-his-phone-rahul-gandhi-to-get-sim-card-implanted-in-his-brain/