IIT researchers discover 25000 new ways of spelling “Aggarwal”

Inspired by the bevy of Aggarwals I have met! Satire!

New Delhi. A team of researchers at IIT Delhi has discovered 25000 new ways of spelling the surname “Aggarwal”. The researchers, led by Dr. Tadapit Kumar, had been working on a project to lower the cost of defense manufacturing when they got distracted by this subject and started working on it.

“It always troubled me ever since I was a young child as to how every Aggarwal that I met had a different spelling,” said Dr. Tadapit, the author of the report and leader of the research team, said.
“Sometimes they would use the letter ‘e’, sometimes ‘u’, sometimes ‘a’ for the ‘gar’ or ‘wal”. I even found a Bengali ‘Aggorwol’. And the output is much better than what we had found for the defence manufacturing thing – which was to basically import the final product from Israel,” he added.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister lauded the effort as being in line with his “Make in India” scheme. The Congress was quick to denounce this and labelled “Aggarwal” a communal and non-secular surname that would help push RSS’ and VHP’s respective agendas.

“The only reason this is happening is because our supreme leader, Shri Rahul Gandhi, is on leave,” Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Congress spokesperson said. “Otherwise he would have called this nonsense and torn up something.”

Away from politics, the researchers insist that this will help budding entrepreneurs in coming up with unique names for their new ventures.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/iit-researchers-discover-25000-new-ways-of-spelling-aggarwal/

Congress to celebrate Rahul Gandhi’s return from sabbatical as Diwali

I probably miss Rahul Gandhi more than his partymen. Satire!

Delhi: Soon after Congress scion, Rahul Gandhi, went on a sabbatical in the midst of the Budget session of Parliament, the party has announced that it would celebrate his return, whenever that might be, as Diwali.

“Even Shree Ram went to the jungle… the Pandavas went too,” Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi said, in a press conference. “Mr. Rahul Gandhi deserves a break from the pressures of royalty. And of course, when Mr. Gandhi decides to return, having vanquished all demons, we will celebrate his return as our Diwali.”

“No, he’s not gone to a jungle,” Mr. Singhvi said, reacting to a question.

Setting aside speculation that Mr. Gandhi had used the opportunity to retire from active politics, Mr. Singhvi said, “Rahulji is our God; he can never retire. Even while he is miles away from us, he keeps providing us inspiration… sometimes through email forwards, sometimes through Whatsapp and sometimes by giving us missed calls and not picking his phone when we call him back. He is truly a father figure for the Congress party.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/07/congress-to-celebrate-rahul-gandhis-return-from-sabbatical-as-diwali/

Abuse part of my fitness regimen, no malicious intent behind abusing journalist: Kohli

Inspired by the events of the day! Satire.

Australia: After reports emerged of Virat Kohli having abused a journalist profusely (and that too the
wrong journalist), the Indian vice captain chose to clear the air with an interview. Speaking exclusively to this Faking News reporter, Kohli said that his swearing was part of an intricate regimen that helped him stay in shape as a cricketer.

“Ever since I was a little kid, I have been beginning my days with a phir subah ho gayee benc**d or iss alarm clock kee to maa kee… There’s nothing new in this,” Kohli said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “I do 100 reps of ma*arc**d, 50 reps of benc**d and 50 reps of suar ka pattha everyday. It is a part of my exercise regimen.”


“To be frank, I did not even know the journalist,” Kohli continued. “He just walked up real close to me when I was doing my set of ma*arc**d reps… So he got the full blast. Nothing I can do about it. This guy should have been more careful.”

Meanwhile, Congress raised the issue in the Rajya Sabha and wondered why the Prime Minister was silent on the issue. “The PM should resign,” Sanjay Jha, Congress spokesperson said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/04/abuse-part-of-my-fitness-regimen-no-malicious-intent-behind-abusing-journalist-kohli/