Kumar Vishwas claims he was offered Manchester United Manager's position too

It's plausible... Satire.

Delhi: After claiming that BJP offered him Delhi’s Chief Ministership, AAP leader Kumar Vishwas said that the party offered him the coach’s role at Manchester United too, if he helped them come to power in Delhi.
In his inimitable style, Mr. Vishwas broke into an impromptu poem and said,

“Jab mili naa unhe Dilli

Tab kaha humein coach ban jao

Manchester mein football sikha lena

Baas humein Dilli de jao.”

As BJP leaders predictably trounced the proclamation as ridiculous, AAP leaders – several of them Manchester United fans – rushed to support what Mr. Vishwas had said.

“I was there at the party where this BJP leader came close to Vishwasji and suddenly began discussing football scores,” Tadapit Kumar, an ardent Manchester United fan and AAP volunteer said. “Koi bina baat ke score discuss nahin karta.” (Nobody discusses the score without a motive.)

When asked how he thought Mr. Vishwas would fare at coaching a football club, Tadapit added, “He will be brilliant, we are sure. Even during campaigning for AAP, Kejriwalji used to threaten us that if we did not do our work properly, we would have to sit with Vishwasji and listen to his poems.”

“He can use the same tactic there,” Tadapit said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/31/kumar-vishwas-claims-he-was-offered-manchester-united-manager-position-too/

Book Review: Liar's Poker by Michael Lewis

One of the absolutely funniest books I have ever read, Liar's Poker is Michael Lewis is at his uncorrupted, unfiltered best. Long before he began chasing big and big-sounding financial stories, Lewis wrote the book as a semi-autobiographical account of his time as a bond salesman - a job he was an absolute ill-fit in. 

Incredibly funny and acerbic, the book can be read even by those who do not understand or do not ever intend to understand the world of finance. Lewis is funny, insightful and brutally honest and lays bare a culture that put little stock in financial expertise but rather forcing sales down the throats of unsuspecting customers - something that repeated itself during the Sub Prime Crisis.

Liar's Poker is Lewis when he didn't write for the money or fame. Of all his books (most of which are quite good, I must add), it absolutely deserves to be read.

Book Review: Agent Zigzag by Ben Macintyre

Fact, it is said, is often stranger than fiction. With 'Agent Zigzag', Ben Macintyre captures a story that is incredibly unbelievable yet true.

Admittedly, I have a bias for World War books, but Macintyre brings alive the story of Eddie Chapman beautifully - a conman recruited as a spy by the Germans, then recruited as a spy by the British to mislead the Germans - as part of which he landed up in war torn Germany again. Incredibly, Chapman ended up becoming the only British spy to win German honors - with the Iron Cross. 

'Agent Zigzag' is fast paced, funny and in what is a rarity for spy stories, completely true - all of which make it a compelling read. Before there were James Bond or George Smiley, there was Eddie Chapman - a slippery but undeniably charming "triple-crossing" spy.

Book Review: The Illicit Happiness of Other People by Manu Joseph

This book had me at the get go. From the opening scene, I read, in a trance like state – most likely under one of the very neuroses Manu Joseph researched to write the book. An unconventional mystery about a father trying to find out why his cartoonist son committed suicide set in the Madras of the 90’s, the book is intensely depressing and funny in equal measure.

Joseph asks questions in the book that no sane man seeking to entertain his readers would. But he weaves them in seamlessly as nuggets that explain why the young man did what he did. There are pieces of the book which are pure literary magic, for example the way Thoma Chacko – the dead young man’s younger brother – sees life around him. Joseph describes his emotions in capital letters as if they exist as proper nouns, as living beings we meet everyday and say hello to – A Sense Of Well Being, for example.

Manu Joseph is clearly a literary giant. I will have to read ‘Serious Men’ now. 

Book Review: Do and Die by Manini Chatterjee

I read this book after I came to know the movie version wasn't really an accurate adaptation of the actual history of the Chittagong uprising. Being a history buff, I really wanted to know what actually happened in Chittagong.

Chatterjee does justice to the subject and keeps you hooked even though you know the fate of the uprising already (from the movie and the one line you read about it in history books). After I read the book, I was sort of pissed off at our education system for passing off such an important and more importantly, almost successful revolution as a one liner in our NCERT books. The emphasis on Gandhi and Nehru in India's high school history can only be corrected by books like this. 

Chatterjee is forensic, meticulous and produces a book that is an extremely entertaining read. An important book.

Producers to do away with making a movie with Salman Khan, to release 3D posters in theaters

Not too far in the future... 

Mumbai. Buoyed by the success of Salman Khan’s script-less blockbusters, producers have decided to do away with the requirement of actually releasing a movie starring Salman Khan and release bhai’s 3D posters in the theaters instead.

Speaking from his office, prominent producer, Balwinder Chaddha – once a Dawood Ibrahim henchman – told this Faking News reporter that “making a movie with Salman is too much kaam-shaam jee.”

What a performance by bhai!

So the next movie starring Salman, he said, would simply be a 3D poster projected on theater screens across India.

“We also considered making a PowerPoint presentation with pictures of bhai in them,” Chaddha added, “But some of the MBAs we had hired last year told us that it would be more cost effective to simply release a poster.”

“It’s not just a poster, mind you,” he added. “It will be a 3D poster. Moviegoers and bhai’s fans will be able to stare at the poster and all its 3D depth for three hours with music from his movies playing in the background. This way with an investment of about ten thousand rupees, we will be able to make a profit of 100 Crores.”

Responding to a question from this reporter, Chaddha said, “No no… the poster itself will not move… It will be like those Jai Mata Di holographic stickers my kids stick on their school copies. Thoda sar hilaoge toh alag dikhega.”

While Salman Khan fans have welcomed the move, Shah Rukh Khan fans claim that 3D posters of SRK act better.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/producers-to-do-away-with-making-a-movie-with-salman-khan-to-release-3d-posters-in-theaters/

Taran Adarsh proclaims Chetan Bhagat’s latest novel will make 100 crores

Dedicated to two national jokes... Chetan Bhagat and Taran Adarsh.

Mumbai. After making news for having taken out a full page front ad in the newspaper for his upcoming book, Chetan Bhagat was in the news again when Taran Adarsh gave his book five stars and declared it a “100 Crore Blockbuster” without actually having read it.

Yes, Taran is right!

Even when his industry peers reminded Mr. Adarsh that the book had not even released for him to have rated it or that books unlike movies were unlikely to make 100 Crores, the intrepid critic refused to back down from his claim.

“I am a trade expert,” Mr. Adarsh said to this reporter in an exclusive interview, while he was walking his dog. “I don’t really need to watch movies or read books to comment on trade. I saw the book’s name on TV and instinctively knew it was a five starrer and was going to make hundred crores.”

When asked about his mechanism of rating movies or books, Mr. Adarsh pointed to his dog and then asked it, “Snoopy, do you think Half Girlfriend will make 100 Crores?” At this point, Snoopy wagged his tail furiously.

“There you have it… it’s confirmed now,” Mr. Adarsh concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/13/taran-adarsh-declares-chetan-bhagats-latest-novel-will-make-100-crores-when-made-into-a-movie/

MBA chews up report after CEO calls everything in his presentation “low hanging fruit”

 Continuing my noble battle against corporate jargon. Satire.

Mumbai. A management intern at a consulting firm had to be admitted to hospital after he chewed up his summer internship presentation completely. The incident apparently happened after the CEO – to whom the intern had presented his 45-slides long ppt – ridiculed his presentation and called everything that he had presented “incredibly low hanging fruit that even my pet donkey could have thought of”.

HR officials at the company were unsure whether Tadapit Kumar – the MBA intern in question – was being sarcastic or was just incredibly stupid after he munched on the printouts of his report. “He came from one of the newer IIMs, where we went for recruitment primarily because the CEO’s wife’s friend’s dogwalker’s husband is the Placement Convener there,” an HR representative told Faking News on condition of anonymity. “So I don’t think he was trying to be sarcastic; he can’t do something that may put off the PlaceCom. I think he had never heard the phrase ‘low hanging fruit’ before, or maybe he was extremely hungry,” the HR representative added.

Tadapit was later admitted to a local hospital where doctors declared him out of danger. “MBA types reports in general, and internship reports in particular, tend to cause short term damage only; the long term damage from them is usually minimal,” a doctor said.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/mba-chews-up-report-after-ceo-calls-everything-in-his-presentation-low-hanging-fruit/

Justice Katju now reveals that Chetan Bhagat bad author, wrote latest novel with one hand only

Inspired by the inimitable Salman Khan of the judicial system. Satire.

After coming out with two belated revelations about corruption in the judiciary, Justice Katju has decided to make revelations about a few people in the non-judicial universe as well. Today, Katju trained his guns at Chetan Bhagat – who he revealed was an “atrociously bad author”.

“I know this is coming almost ten years too late when nothing can actually be done about it,” Katju said, in a telephonic conversation with this Faking News reporter. “But the nation must know. Chetan is an atrociously bad author… Additionally, my sources have told me that he wrote his last novel with his right hand only. Maybe that’s why it is called ‘Half Girlfriend’?”

Sources however said that the move was one of Chetan’s publicity stunts meant to drum up publicity for his latest book “Half Girlfriend”. Tadapit Kumar, an engineering student and like Katju, absolutely no authority on Chetan Bhagat’s writing said, “So what if Chetan wrote the book with one hand or is an atrociously bad writer. He is the Salman Khan of writing. We are all waiting to get our hand on Chetan bhai’s book.”

“Next I will reveal that Yo Yo Honey Singh’s songs are sung by computers and not by an actual human being,” Katju concluded. “Maybe.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/12/justice-katju-now-reveals-that-chetan-bhagat-bad-author-wrote-latest-novel-with-one-hand-only/

Afraid of losing another test match, Indian team offers to attend Rajya Sabha on Sachin’s behalf

Finally, back to writing satire in full swing.

England: In a move seen as being inspired by the fear of losing another test match on foreign soil, Mahendra Singh Dhoni – India’s captain – has announced that the Indian cricket team will forfeit the last test match and instead, attend Rajya Sabha on Sachin Tendulkar’s behalf. Faced with public/news channel pressure, Sachin had only recently applied for a leave of absence from the Rajya Sabha after revealing that his brother’s ill health had rendered him unable to attend RS, prior to his leave application.

“We are a team,” Dhoni said at a press conference. “Even when someone retires, he still remains a part of the team and being team players, we must support the person. So we have decided to forfeit the last test match and attend Rajya Sabha on Sachin bhai’s behalf. That way, we won’t have to lose another test match and Arnab Goswami will get enough cricketers in the Parliament so that he doesn’t have to ask any more ‘Nation wants to know’ questions again.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/08/12/afraid-of-losing-another-test-match-indian-team-offers-to-attend-rajya-sabha-on-sachins-behalf/

Book Review: The Dilbert Principle by Scott Adams

Bitter and cynical as ever, Scott Adams' book is peppered with unintentionally funny occurrences that are all too familiar if you work in a large organization. Somebody once told me that reading too much Scott Adams is bad for your brain, as it will end up making you cynical - it will make you call out the bluff, figure out the hidden meaning of otherwise perfectly innocuous sounding management phrases and words. (Can't say it didn't happen to me.) The book itself is decently funny though in places it does seem that Adams is trying too hard and his jokes become a tad repetitive.  

However, the one thing I realized after (and while) reading the book was that there is a law of diminishing funniness with Adams' books... Mostly because he ends up recycling some old jokes and cartoons. So if you have read one, that's almost the entirety of what Adams has to say about our unintentionally funny corporate culture(s).