Showing posts with label Faking News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faking News. Show all posts

September 16, 2016

State with most burnt vehicles to get more Cauvery water: SC

Satire... 

New Delhi: The Supreme Court today ruled that the state that would burn more vehicles would get more cusecs of Cauvery water. A one judge bench of the Supreme Court ruled that since both states had already invested significant resources in destroying resources, it would now consider this only while making its final decision.

Karnataka leading so far with more burnt vehicles“Instead of relying on committees and subcommittees and surveyors for farmland and reservoir levels, we now believe that a count of burnt vehicles would serve as a better benchmark for how much water each side requires,” the Supreme Court said today in its judgment.

So far Karnataka leads the burnt vehicle count with 105 vehicles burnt to Tamil Nadu’s 3.

“They should also take into account the number of establishments damaged”, an agitated Tamil protestor said. “We have not been able to burn as many buses and trucks as Kannadigas but we are neck to neck on shops or offices destroyed.”

Both sides planned to burn more buses to protest against the order.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/politics/state-burnt-vehicles-get-cauvery-water-sc-28136

June 16, 2016

Pahlaj Nihalani to censor his own name; to now be called ‘Pa Ni’

Satire...

Mumbai: Reports coming out Mumbai suggest that Pahlaj Nihalani, India’s Censor Board Chief, has decided to censor his own name. Apparently, Mr. Nihalani was so frustrated after the Mumbai High Court cleared ‘Udta Punjab’ with just one cut out of the 94 suggested by the Censor Board, that he decided to go to CBFC Headquarters and issue a notification regarding censorship of his own name.

Mr. Pa Ni is all smilesWhile this Faking News reporter could not get in touch with Mr. Nihalani, he managed to get in touch with Tadapit Marathe – Mr. Nihalani’s PA (Personal Assistant). “Yes it is true,” Tadapit said, speaking over phone. “Pahlaj bhau has censored his own name. According to him, his old name was not according to guidelines. Bhau has said that with his new name, he will now be as pavitra as ‘paanee’.”
Meanwhile, Anurag Kashyap reportedly called Mr. Nihalani nee Mr. Ni to thank him for providing free publicity to ‘Udta Punjab’ as also to congratulate him on his new name.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/06/16/pahlaj-nihalani-to-censor-his-own-name-to-now-be-called-pa-ni/

June 11, 2016

Pahlaj Nihalani goes bald after asking his barber for too many cuts

Couldn't resist. Satire.

Mumbai: In breaking news today, Censor Board Chief, Pahlaj ‘Sankaari’ Nihalani went bald after a haircut in which he kept asking his barber to make more cuts. The haircut reportedly occurred around 8 PM yesterday in a hair salon near the Bandra society where Mr. Nihalani lives.

Pahlaj Nihalani before visiting the barberTalking about the incident, Tadapit Munde – Mr. Nihalani’s barber for the day – said, “I do not know what Nihalani bhau wanted. He kept asking me to ‘cut more’ whenever I would finish the haircut. Ultimately I picked up a shear and shaved him bald. It was only then did he stop asking me to ‘cut more’ of his hair. Ganja hee karna tha to pehle bol dete… itna time khasti nahin karta.

“I asked him several times if I should stop but he kept saying ‘aur kato, sab as per guidelines hona chahiye‘. What could I do?” questioned the barber.

Mr. Nihalani was seen greeting people at his residence, claiming that his new look was even more ‘sanskaari’ than before. Filmmakers meanwhile wondered if having taken out his “censorship tendencies” on his hair, Mr. Nihalani would advise lesser cuts for movies.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/06/pahlaj-nihalani-goes-bald-after-asking-his-barber-for-too-many-cuts/

April 22, 2016

An interview with e-Books India (Transcript)

Please tell us about you. Where are you from? What is your professional background and how did you become an author?
I am an MBA from FMS, Delhi and an engineer from Delhi College of Engineering. I have actually held a day job for the last six years since I graduated from FMS. I wrote my first book in the second year of B-School: the intention was to tell the B-School story no one was talking about – the unglamorous murky truth of how the premier league MBA ecosystem in India almost collapsed when the 2008 global recession hit. And well, I had always wanted to write ever since I read my first Famous Five book what seems like aeons ago.

To a lot of authors, the dream is to write a bestseller and retire. While I had flirted with the thought initially when my first book came out six years ago, I eventually realized that a classical author’s job is lonely, depressing and dark. You basically sit in a room waiting in despair for the right idea, the right words, and the right characters to come to you. I doubt I will ever be a full time author – as it is, I can hardly write when I am at peace or with time on my hands. The best ideas always come to me when I am pressed for time; it is the constant grind of life that makes me an author, for the most part.

What types of books do you write?
It often takes a very different technique to write different kinds of books – which is why most science fiction writers only write science fiction, comedy writers only write comedy, mystery/thriller writers only write mystery/thrillers and so on; for the most part anyway. I grew up on a diet of all kinds of books, all of which I secretly wished I had written – and what I have discovered overall about myself is that I tend to be fairly ambidextrous when it comes to writing. I just need to train for a particular style if required. Training takes months but primarily involves reading the masters of that genre and noting their techniques. You learn a lot from masterpieces but you learn more from bad books from the masters of a particular genre. For example, one of the books in the Harry Potter series (the 4th book if my memory serves me right) or Douglas Adam’s Dirk Gently series are both written by masters but have significant flaws compared to the authors’ earlier works. For an author like me, it is absolute gold to read mediocre to bad books by great authors… it’s like seeing an elaborately constructed building with the foundations and the wiring showing; it just makes understanding how to write the genre much easier.

My natural voice is cynical, which is where the first book ‘If God Went to B School’ fit in. Over time as I started reading satirical articles on Faking News a few years back, I discovered that I could easily slip into satire writing (which led to my 300+ posts for Faking News so far). But reading the novelized history of the Mughals (by the husband-wife duo going by the pseudonym ‘Alex Rutherford’) made me realize I wanted to write historical fiction. I enjoyed the books so much that I wanted to write that genre! Which is how ‘The Great War of Hind’ was born.
I remain perennially besotted with sci-fi comedy too; inevitably, I will write a book or a series in this genre. Maybe a few years down the line.

Can you please tell us a bit about your most recent book entitled The Great War of Hind, its overall plot and the key characters in it?
The overall idea of the book is around how we believe epics written by Valmiki and Ved Vyas to be about Gods and real men. To me, Valmiki and Ved Vyas were the Stan Lee’s of their generation, who wrote these stories to regale people. In parallel, I had been toying with a simple logical idea of creation – God creating man and animals – and I saw no better way to tell the story than to pick mythological characters everyone knows and plug them into a story of the origin of mankind and animal-kind and how and why it all happened, and what happened after. ‘The Great War of Hind’ and ‘The Legend of Ramm’ series are built around this kernel.

Are you working on any other book(s)? If so, can you please tell us what we can expect to see from you in the future?
Well, I am sort of obligated to finish this series (Legend of Ramm) now that I have started it. So that will be a couple of years of my life at least. Unless something else catches my fancy next, I should write the sci-fi comedy I have been hungering to write for a long time after that.

Can you please tell us about your approach to writing? For example, do you follow structures and writing rules? Or do you write in a free flow way? Do you have any particular time of the day you like to write? Or any specific environment you prefer to sit down and write?
A significant amount of time for me goes in establishing the skeletal structure of the plot first. This takes a month or more (sometimes much more). Writing for me is about threading the needles I have laid down, as the plot. But it does get complicated at times. You might have a great idea while writing that completely muddles up the plot, or find it impossible to write to stick to the plot structure. So it is a tedious bone-crunching process.

I write best when I am constrained for time, when I am tired and stressed. There is no particular time for me – I just try and get in a little bit of writing everyday.

From your experiences, could you please share 2-3 top tips to help beginner authors who want to publish a novel?
Read, read every day. And read the classics first to get a grounding in the language. You’ll get nowhere by reading the complete works of Chetan Bhagat.

Write a lot. Write your own blogs or for blogger networks. Keep that animal in you alive.

Be meticulous. A comma in the wrong place on one page can shave a point off book reviews. Every brick is important; every speck of cement is important in what you are building.

It’s quite another thing to sell a book in India though but in the long run, good writing, strong plot structure trumps short term gimmicks. Not everything you write will be a blockbuster hit, even if you get a selfie with some minor celebrity holding up your book.

How can people find out more about you?
I tweet from @vaibrainmaker. I collate my satirical articles, book reviews and other random thoughts on the universe on my blog. My three books are on Amazon here: http://amzn.to/1YAvSYy

Over the next few years, the number of books will hopefully go up. God willing.

April 10, 2016

Airtel to build ‘4G Girl’ temples where Airtel customers can pray for a good data connection

Inspired by my own Airtel connection. Satire...

Gurgaon: Airtel today announced that it will build “4G Temples” where its customers would be able to come and pray for a working data connection. After a lot of people complained that 4G seems to be working only at places where 4G girl goes, Airtel decided to build these temples with her statue to extend their network.

People will have a choice of praying to the ‘4G Girl’ statue in the temple or making a monetary contribution to the ‘4G Temple fund’, Airtel said, to help themselves achieve a better data connection on a spiritual plane.

Airtel 4G- Pray you get it“We have tried everything, but our data signals only work in a 100 meter radius of our corporate office and in a 200 meter radius of wherever our Airtel 4G Girl goes. We thought about cloning her to improve our connectivity across the country but that would have been too expensive and won’t have increased our revenues either. Now,temples will be cheaper plus we will get some donations as well,” a senior executive with Airtel said, on condition of anonymity.

“Somehow our network automatically deducts 1 to 2 Gs from anyone’s data signal speed. So a 4G generally works at 2G speed, a 3G at 1G speed and 2G data signals don’t work at all. Therefore, we decided to build these temples where people can come and pray for a working data connection from the queen of 4G speed”, said the executive.

“This will also help us reduce our customer service workforce,” he added. “We had hired a few thousand people under MNREGA last year who would sit around, take some calls and act clueless on phone with our customers. Now we will just play a recorded message for people complaining about their data signals that they can go and pray at their nearest Airtel 4G Temple.”

Meanwhile, some skeptics have said that nothing like 4G speed exists and it is just superstition.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/airtel-to-build-4g-girl-temples-where-airtel-customers-can-pray-for-a-good-data-connection/

April 4, 2016

Bangladesh officially retires from international cricket; to celebrate India’s losses as victories

 Celebrating Bangladesh cricketing world's obsession with India... Satire.

Mushfiqur Rahim Dhoni Tweet
Dhaka, Bangladesh: In a first of its kind move, Bangladesh announced its retirement from international cricket, having lost nearly 70% of all international matches it has ever played. Bangladesh, who failed to score 2 runs in 3 balls to potentially qualify for the World Cup Semi Finals, seemed to have gotten the motivation from Mushfiqur Rahim tweeting, “’Happiness is this’.!!! #ha ha ha..! India lost in the semifinal.” Mushfiqur later apologized but claimed that he was happy because he was a big West Indies fan.

“While we will consider India’s losses as our victories, we are also debating if we will consider West Indies’ wins as our victories, considering our wicketkeeper Mushfiqur is such a big fan of the Windies,” Mr. Chandika Hathurusingha, Bangladesh’s cricket coach said. “The national cricket team will hereafter collect in one large auditorium periodically to watch India’s matches and if we decide in favor of it, West Indies’ matches on TV only.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/bangladesh-officially-retires-from-international-cricket-to-celebrate-indias-losses-as-victories/

Ekta Kapoor offers permanent job to ISI men who made the ‘Indian spy confession’ video

Satire...

Mumbai/Pakistan: Ekta Kapoor, the self-styled queen of Indian TV, has offered a permanent job at
Balaji Telefilms to the ISI men who scripted, directed and edited the ‘Indian spy confession’ video. The video, which stars Kulbhushan Jadhav as a RAW agent and has about 128 cuts in less than six minutes, jarring camera movements and sudden shots of Kulbhushan laughing– reminding one of a snippets from any and every K-Serial ever made, reportedly pleased Ms. Kapoor so much that she banged her ring laden fingers on her throne at Balaji Telefilms and inexplicably screamed, “Kkkulbhushan!”

While the Pakistani establishment has yet to formally react to this offer, a source in ISI told this Faking News reporter that the offer was being seriously considered. “The ISI is very confused who it is targeting India, Taliban, Afghanistan, NATO or Nawaz Sharif’s government”, the source said, on condition of anonymity. “This leads to a lot of work related stress. We are essentially trying to kill jo bhi asaani se mar jaaye, uss hafte. At least, in Balaji, our people will have clarity on what to do everyday.”

Meanwhile, Arnab Goswami took the opportunity to pronounce both Ekta Kapoor and the letter ‘K’ as traitors.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/04/ekta-kapoor-offers-permanent-job-to-isi-men-who-made-the-indian-spy-confession-video/

Man beaten up by journalists for not knowing religion of people who beat him up earlier

Satire...

New Delhi: A man was reportedly beaten up by a group of journalists after he failed to recall the caste and religion of the people who had beaten him up earlier.

One of the two beatings Tadapit received
Tadapit Kumar, a resident of Mehrauli in Delhi, was beaten up by about ten news journalists, both from print and TV media, who had come to his house to report on the beatings Tadapit Kumar took earlier in the day. Tadapit was beaten earlier in the day by a group of boys after an argument over a parking spot on a busy Delhi road. Tadapit suffered a broken left hand as a result of that beating.

“How can you not remember the caste or religion of the men beating you up? That is the first thing I would take note of if I was getting beaten up,” a senior editor of a Noida based national channel said.

“Every man who is getting beaten up should have the courtesy to find out the caste and religion of his attackers so that news channels can properly report the incident. Now how do we know if he was beaten up over Caste differences, communal issues, Beef eating or for refusing to say Bharat Mata Ki Jai? Then same people will say quality of reporting is going down,” said the news anchor of a leading English news channel.

When Tadapit tried to say that it was an incident of road rage, he was slapped again and told to keep quiet by a journalist.

As Tadapit, who suffered a broken hand in the first beating and a broken leg in the journalists beating, got up to leave for work for his job as a mall security guard, the group of journalists revealed that they plan to camp at his house, hoping that they will eventually figure out a caste or religion angle.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-beaten-up-by-journalists-for-not-knowing-religion-of-people-who-beat-him-up-earlier/

Man planning to travel to places shown in Airtel ad to get a 4G Signal

If you have seen the irritating Airtel 4G ads and you do happen to have an Airtel connection, you know what it is like to be on the world's "fastest" network. Satire.

New Delhi: Inspired by the latest Airtel 4G Ads, a Delhi based software professional has decided to travel to all those far flung places in an attempt to catch 4G signal. Akshay Kumar, living in West Delhi is a long term Airtel customer but has struggled with their 4G connection since its launch.

Airtel 4G- Dhoondte Reh jaoge“I was using Airtel 3G connection earlier but the connection was a bit like Rohit Sharma’s form. Incredibly good on some days, disappeared on other days. Then I saw the Airtel girl asking everyone to move to 4G, I was tempted and took the bait. However, since then my connection has become like Shahid Afridi’s batting, a big hit once a month and totally pathetic the rest of the time”, Akshay said.

“My connection only ever works in my home’s bathroom if I point it towards the exhaust fan at an angle between 45.5 degrees and 46.75 degrees. Sometimes it also works when I hold it near our kitchen stove at an angle between 31.1 and 32.2 degrees. So when I saw the latest 4G Ads showing full network connectivity in remote places, I decided to go there and enjoy the benefits of 4G Network”, Akshay went on to add.

When pressed for details, Akshay said, “I have taken a 2 months vacation to visit all those places shown in the Ad. I will be traveling around the country searching for the elusive 4G signal. I will be starting at Shimla and then move South. If I don’t get the signal even at those places then I am going to be following that 4G girl around as apparently, wherever she goes, signal follows.”

When asked whether he has thought about changing his network provider to get 4G signal at his home, Akshay smiled and said, “What is the point. They are all the same. With a different provider, I will have to tilt my phone at 48 degrees instead of 45.5 now.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/man-planning-to-travel-to-places-shown-in-airtel-ad-to-get-a-4g-signal/

March 8, 2016

Inspired by Preity Zinta’s fiance ‘Gene Goodenough’, Rakhi Sawant announces engagement to ‘Chromosome Muchbetter’

Satire.

Mumbai: Sensing an opportunity to get some publicity, drama queen Rakhi Sawant today announced that she would be finally getting engaged, putting an end to rumors about a possible second season of Rakhi ka Swayamwar.

Apparently, inspired by Preity Zinta having a fiance called ‘Gene Goodenough’, Rakhi Sawant declared that she too had a fiance and that too one with a much better name than Ms. Zinta’s.
At a recently held Bollywood award ceremony where Ms. Sawant landed up without invitation, she announced that her fiance was a businessman from ‘Antarctica’ and his name was ‘Chromosome Muchbetter'.

“Chromosome is the man of my dreams,” Rakhi said, in an exclusive chat with this Faking News reporter.

“He is big and fit and makes money doing something in Antarctica. He is the best. This Preity might have found a good-enough guy, but my fiance is much better! Aajkal acche chromosome milte kaha hai,” she said almost ruing the fact that women have few choices when it comes to choosing the right man.

“Look how big diamond ring he gives me! Look!” she exclaimed, flashing her ring finger in front of this reporter, pronouncing “diamond” as “daamond”.

Har aurat yehi chahti hai uska pati baaki sab se behtar ho. Now if any woman praises her husband, I can say that mine is Muchbetter,” she said with an animated face.

Maenwhile, a guy named DNA AlmostPerfect has reportedly lodged a complaint against ‘unknown woman’ for pestering him with marriage proposals. “Yes, it’s true. Since the time Priety Zinta got married, I am being harassed by women who want me to get married to them. Now I am seriously thinking of getting my name changed,” he said with a worried look on his face.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/03/inspired-by-preity-zintas-fiance-gene-goodenough-rakhi-sawant-announces-engagement-to-chromosome-muchbetter/

March 1, 2016

Tainted by Panama Papers, ex-Iceland PM to be allowed to resume office after saying “Iceland Mata ki Jai”

Satire...

Reykjavik, Iceland: The ruling Icelandic coalition today permitted Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson to resume office after he publicly said, “Iceland Mata Ki Jai” (“Victory for Mother Iceland”)! Though an interim Prime Minister (Fisheries Minister, Sigurdur Ingi Johannsson) had been named, Gunnlaugsson was immediately reinstated after his proclamation of the greatness of “Iceland Mata”.
Gunnlaugsson had earlier resigned on Tuesday, after documents leaked from a Panama-based law firm revealed that his wife possessed a secret offshore account worth millions of dollars.

“Yes, Gunnlaugsson has been reinstated,” a spokesperson for the Icelandic government said, “His wife might have stashed some money away in Panama but that is all irrelevant now. He has said Iceland Mata Ki Jai. All is now forgiven.”

Meanwhile, Panama – the country in the eye of the Panama Papers storm – has sought to move the United Nations to seek suspension of investigations against accountholders of the more than two hundred thousand entities associated with Mossack Fonseca, if they say the same incantation for their own countries.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/04/12/tainted-by-panama-papers-ex-iceland-pm-to-be-allowed-to-resume-office-after-saying-iceland-mata-ki-jai/

February 22, 2016

20 movie critics hospitalized with elevated levels of Suroor after watching Himesh Reshammiya’s latest release

Satire...

Mumbai: A pre-release show of Himesh Reshammiya’s soon to be released movie, ‘Teraa Suroor 2’, has led to the hospitalization of twenty movie critics. Apparently, twenty of the audience of about fifty movie critics and journalists, started having fits and screaming in a very nasal tone within ten minutes of the movie having started.

Secretly, he wanted to blow himself too after he watched Aapka Suroor 2“It all started when Mr. Reshammiya started serenading a girl while building his body, while smoking a cigar, while giving the evil eye to a few bad guys,” Tadapit Kumar, one of the affected movie critics said. “Only the most critical of us critics seem to have been affected. Taran Adarsh made it through the full movie, I hear and even said – sau crore ka dhandha karegi.”

The critics were shifted to J. J. Hospital in Navi Mumbai. When this reporter visited the hospital, nasal chants of ‘Tera tera tera surroooooooor’ could be heard from the hospital rooms where critics were kept.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/02/22/20-movie-critics-hospitalized-with-elevated-levels-of-suroor-after-watching-himesh-reshammiyas-latest/

February 20, 2016

Startup plans to grow at 7.5% a year pre-tax, after putting all investor money in an FD

Satire...

Bangalore: A startup based in Bangalore declared that it would grow earnings at 7.5% per year for 20 years as it had decided to put all investor money in a twenty year fixed deposit with ICICI Bank.

‘Grazzle’, a startup founded by two IIT Bangalore students on campus, had raised the funds from Great Oak Pension Fund – a Norwegian government pension fund.
Fixed deposits
“We had no idea what we wanted to as regards business and had no intention of raising any money,” Tadapit Kumar, one of the co-founders of ‘Grazzle’, said. “The only thing we had closed so far was our name – ‘Grazzle’. But then this Pension Fund from Norway met us on campus and almost forced us to take money from it.”

“After getting Rs. 1000 Crores from the Pension Fund, we promptly spent Rs. 50 crores on taking out some national level front page ads in ‘The Times Of India’ and have invested the rest in fixed deposits,” he continued. “We are thus one of the few startups in India actually making money from day one.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/02/20/startup-plans-to-grow-at-7-5-a-year-pre-tax-after-putting-all-investor-money-in-an-fd/

Himesh Reshammiya requests government to pass legislation guaranteeing ‘Right to Suroor’

How does he get financed at all??

Mumbai: Fearful of censor board chief Pahlaj Nihalani making cuts to his latest film– Teraa Suroor, Himesh Reshammiya, reputed nasal crooner, has requested the Modi government to pass a bill ensuring ‘Right to Suroor’ for all Indians, in India and worldwide.

“Everyone should be able to get sufficient ‘Suroor’ in their lives,” Mr. Reshammiya said, during his telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “Of all people, I know what it is like to not have ‘Suroor’ in one’s life. I have spent years trying to understand what the Indian viewer wants to see in a movie and finally, I have the perfect product. I cannot risk Nihalaniji destroying this movie.”

Reshammiya, who has tried to launch himself earlier eight times, assured this reporter that this time he was serious about his acting and moviemaking. “It was all about finding the right director, the right script, the right heroine willing to take off the right amount of clothes… and of course, the right amount of ‘Suroor’.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/02/05/himesh-reshammiya-requests-government-to-pass-legislation-guaranteeing-right-to-suroor/

December 25, 2015

Arnab Goswami declares himself winner of all past & future Newshour debates

Satire... 

New Delhi: Arnab Goswami – the famed conductor of and primary noise generator on the daily Newshour debate on the Times Now news channel – today declared that he was the winner of all past and future Newshour debates. Mr. Goswami made the claim in a debate today on the channel when a panelist questioned his authority on the issue being debated.

It was a normal noisy hour on the Newshour debate on the topic of whether the NDA government was better or the preceding UPA government, when suddenly, reacting to a question from Congress spokesperson Randeep Singh Surjewalla, Mr. Goswami declared that he was the winner of all past and future Newshour debates and thus had authority over any and every issue. This led to another round of simultaneous speaking by three of the five panelists with no one able to understand what was being said. According to eyewitnesses at the studio however, it seems Mr. Goswami kept enunciating repeatedly, “You question me? I am the winner of all Newshour debates… I am the winner… I am the winner.”

Tadapit Bannerjea, a C.R. Park resident and regular viewer of Newshour, said, “I usually watch Newshour because it generates so much white noise that it covers up the sound of the disco next door and I can sleep in peace. But today I could not sleep… Ornob-da has finally said he is the winner! We are all so proud!”

Reportedly, Mr. Goswami will conduct the show from today onwards wearing a sash saying “WINNER!” in bold.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2016/01/arnab-goswami-declares-himself-winner-of-all-past-and-future-newshour-debates/

December 21, 2015

Rahul Gandhi claims ‘Vendetta Politics’ after getting a mosquito bite in Parliament

Satire...

Akbar Road, New Delhi: A day after being released on bail by the Delhi High Court in the National Herald case, Rahul Gandhi today claimed that he had further evidence of vendetta politics. Accompanied by his mother and Congress party supremo, Sonia Gandhi, Mr. Gandhi rolled up his pajamas to show a clutch of red spots on his upper thigh, which he told the reporters gathered around were mosquito bites.

Even as Ms. Gandhi averted her eyes from her son and stared ahead slightly abashed, Rahul tore into the BJP blaming the majority party for the mosquito bites. “The BJP has been releasing mosquitoes near where I sit in the Parliament,” he said to reporters who had gathered around him. “That is the reason we keep rushing into the well of the house… to avoid the mosquitoes. Else we would not stop the functioning of the Parliament.”

“They were clearly RSS mosquitoes, because even when I kept telling them – ‘Shoo‘, they kept returning,” Mr. Gandhi said. “Only RSS mosquitoes are this intolerant.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/21/rahul-gandhi-claims-vendetta-politics-after-getting-a-mosquito-bite-in-parliament/

December 20, 2015

Company selling bottled air to sell both bottled tolerance and intolerance in India

Satire...

New Delhi/ China: ‘Vitality Air’ – the Canadian startup that recently started selling bottled fresh air in China – today announced plans to enter the Indian market too. However, the company said that the market for selling a couple of other commodities was larger in India than bottled fresh air.

“We will launch bottles of both tolerant and intolerant air in India, “Sam Jones, CEO of Vitality Air said. “We have seen that people in India do not care too much about dying from side effects of pollution. Instead we have found the chemical formulation of both tolerant and intolerant air molecules. After inhaling these molecules, an individual is likely to become tolerant if he uses our tolerant canister and vice versa for the intolerant canister”.

When asked about the timelines of the launch, Mr. Jones said, “We will launch it when the next Parliament session starts. That way, Members of Parliament will be able to gift these canisters to each other in the session”.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/company-selling-bottled-air-to-sell-both-bottled-tolerance-and-intolerance-in-india/

December 18, 2015

Kejriwal blames Earth for rotating too fast after he slips in bathroom

Satire...

New Delhi: Arvind Kejriwal today came out with a scathing statement after he slipped in his bathroom while bathing. Just a day after claiming that Modi/ Jaitley were responsible for the CBI raid on a Delhi government bureaucrat, Mr. Kejriwal blamed the earth for rotating too fast as the cause for him slipping.

“Go and tell Mr. Modi that his strategy will not work”, Kejriwal said angrily to a bunch of reporters gathered outside the Delhi Secretariat. “Today for ten seconds, the earth seemed to rotate too fast and that too in the wrong direction and I slipped while taking a bath”. When someone in the press asked Kejriwal if he had suffered from an easier to explain attack of vertigo, Kejriwal refuted the claim and said, “It is Modi… We have proof. We will show the proof soon”.

Meanwhile, Congress protested in the Rajya Sabha and blocked functioning of the Upper House as usual blaming the BJP for Kejriwal slipping.

“The RSS has done this earlier to me too,” Rahul Gandhi said. “This strategy of intolerance will not work in India. We will protest against this for the next few days, before we find some other topic to protest on.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/18/kejriwal-blames-earth-for-rotating-too-fast-after-he-slips-in-bathroom/

December 12, 2015

Driver invested in National Herald without telling us: Sonia Gandhi

Another one in the latest Salman series. Couldn't resist. Satire.

10 Janpath, Delhi: Boldened apparently by Salman Khan’s acquittal in the 13 year old Bandra hit and run case, Sonia Gandhi today claimed that the National Herald case too involved the Gandhis’ driver. Speaking at a national meet of the Congress party today, Ms. Gandhi said that Tadapit Kumar, Rahul and her driver of fifteen years, was the actual investor in National Herald and not the Gandhis.

“I want to confirm today that it was our driver, Tadapit-ji, who had given the Rs. 90 Crore loan to acquire a controlling stake in National Herald,” Ms. Gandhi said, amid cheers and applause from the crowd of Congress party-men at the meet. “”Tadapit-ji did so without informing Rahul or me, and his only mistake was that he happened to once share a cigarette with Mr. Subramanian Swamy’s driver, post which Mr. Swamy started falsely implicating us in this case.”

“It is the intolerance of the Narendra Modi government that they are targeting innocent people like us, whose drivers happened to innocently invest 90 Crores in a company,” she continued. “We will raise this issue on the floor of the house.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/driver-invested-in-national-herald-without-telling-us-sonia-gandhi/

December 11, 2015

Delhi man buys car with square root of negative two on the number plate

Satire...

New Delhi: Faced with the prospect of having to use unreliable public transport for up to three days a week, Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working for an MNC in Gurgaon but residing in South Delhi found a novel way to solve his impending woes. Tadapit traded in his old Honda City for a smaller car with square root of negative two on the number plate.

“I have to travel twenty five kilometers every day from home to office”, Tadapit said. “The only way I can do that by public transport is if I change three buses, or change two buses, take the Metro and then take one of those congested shared autos… or walk to work… none of which is an option really with a boss like Chaddha who expects me to be in office by 9:30 sharp and cancels my attendance if I come in at 9:31. So, you see, I had to do this number plate thing”.

“Square root of negative two is an imaginary number – far from being even or odd”, Tadapit said. “Any division by two will lead to an imaginary result… hence, for all mathematical purposes, my license plate and thus by extension my car too has to be imaginary”.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/12/11/delhi-man-buys-car-with-square-root-of-negative-two-on-the-number-plate/