IIT researchers discover 25000 new ways of spelling “Aggarwal”

Inspired by the bevy of Aggarwals I have met! Satire!

New Delhi. A team of researchers at IIT Delhi has discovered 25000 new ways of spelling the surname “Aggarwal”. The researchers, led by Dr. Tadapit Kumar, had been working on a project to lower the cost of defense manufacturing when they got distracted by this subject and started working on it.

“It always troubled me ever since I was a young child as to how every Aggarwal that I met had a different spelling,” said Dr. Tadapit, the author of the report and leader of the research team, said.
“Sometimes they would use the letter ‘e’, sometimes ‘u’, sometimes ‘a’ for the ‘gar’ or ‘wal”. I even found a Bengali ‘Aggorwol’. And the output is much better than what we had found for the defence manufacturing thing – which was to basically import the final product from Israel,” he added.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister lauded the effort as being in line with his “Make in India” scheme. The Congress was quick to denounce this and labelled “Aggarwal” a communal and non-secular surname that would help push RSS’ and VHP’s respective agendas.

“The only reason this is happening is because our supreme leader, Shri Rahul Gandhi, is on leave,” Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Congress spokesperson said. “Otherwise he would have called this nonsense and torn up something.”

Away from politics, the researchers insist that this will help budding entrepreneurs in coming up with unique names for their new ventures.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/iit-researchers-discover-25000-new-ways-of-spelling-aggarwal/

Congress to celebrate Rahul Gandhi’s return from sabbatical as Diwali

I probably miss Rahul Gandhi more than his partymen. Satire!

Delhi: Soon after Congress scion, Rahul Gandhi, went on a sabbatical in the midst of the Budget session of Parliament, the party has announced that it would celebrate his return, whenever that might be, as Diwali.

“Even Shree Ram went to the jungle… the Pandavas went too,” Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi said, in a press conference. “Mr. Rahul Gandhi deserves a break from the pressures of royalty. And of course, when Mr. Gandhi decides to return, having vanquished all demons, we will celebrate his return as our Diwali.”

“No, he’s not gone to a jungle,” Mr. Singhvi said, reacting to a question.

Setting aside speculation that Mr. Gandhi had used the opportunity to retire from active politics, Mr. Singhvi said, “Rahulji is our God; he can never retire. Even while he is miles away from us, he keeps providing us inspiration… sometimes through email forwards, sometimes through Whatsapp and sometimes by giving us missed calls and not picking his phone when we call him back. He is truly a father figure for the Congress party.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/07/congress-to-celebrate-rahul-gandhis-return-from-sabbatical-as-diwali/

Abuse part of my fitness regimen, no malicious intent behind abusing journalist: Kohli

Inspired by the events of the day! Satire.

Australia: After reports emerged of Virat Kohli having abused a journalist profusely (and that too the
wrong journalist), the Indian vice captain chose to clear the air with an interview. Speaking exclusively to this Faking News reporter, Kohli said that his swearing was part of an intricate regimen that helped him stay in shape as a cricketer.

“Ever since I was a little kid, I have been beginning my days with a phir subah ho gayee benc**d or iss alarm clock kee to maa kee… There’s nothing new in this,” Kohli said in an interview with this Faking News reporter. “I do 100 reps of ma*arc**d, 50 reps of benc**d and 50 reps of suar ka pattha everyday. It is a part of my exercise regimen.”


“To be frank, I did not even know the journalist,” Kohli continued. “He just walked up real close to me when I was doing my set of ma*arc**d reps… So he got the full blast. Nothing I can do about it. This guy should have been more careful.”

Meanwhile, Congress raised the issue in the Rajya Sabha and wondered why the Prime Minister was silent on the issue. “The PM should resign,” Sanjay Jha, Congress spokesperson said.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/03/04/abuse-part-of-my-fitness-regimen-no-malicious-intent-behind-abusing-journalist-kohli/

Arnab Goswami found resolving gully-cricket disputes in his free time

Satire.

New Delhi: Reports coming in from a swanky neighborhood in South Delhi have indicated that Arnab Goswami, the face and voice of Times Now, was resolving gully-cricket disputes in his free time.

Sources from within Mr. Goswami’s domestic staff have revealed that the fiery newsreader was merely asked to leave the house for some time so that there could be some peace as he had apparently been inciting quarrels between his family members at the breakfast table.

“Yes yes we are very proud of him,” Mr. Aggarwal – security guard at the mohalla park – said. “In fact in his childhood, Arnab used to make sure that his team got batting in both innings. Since then, he has been resolving cricket conflicts in our streets or the local mohalla park.”

“No, no,” Mr. Goswami was overheard shouting, from a considerable distance. “I am a respected journalist with honesty… integrity… sincerity and I will not be party to your accusations. First you must answer me, Mr. Pappu of Terah number gully, what right do you have to claim whose batting it is?”

Meanwhile, Rajdeep Sardesai was found peddling his book in the same park.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/02/22/arnab-goswami-found-resolving-gully-cricket-disputes-in-his-free-time/

‘Game of Thrones’ fan depressed that people around him not dying often enough

Satire.

Gurgaon: A software engineer and ardent ‘Game of Thrones’ fan recently checked into a hospital, suffering from severe depression. Apparently, Tadapit Kumar, the software engineer in question was depressed about the fact that the people in his life were not dying at the same frequency and with the same brutality as the characters on his favorite TV show.

“I have been watching Game of Thrones for two years now and by now, I am used to a brutal death in every episode,” Tadapit said. “Earlier, for the first three episodes or so, I had my favorite characters but all of them died eventually – so, death itself has become my favorite event on the show.”

“Yes, yes, it is quite a common phenomenon now,” Dr. Chugh, a famous Delhi based psychiatrist said. “We are calling this ‘Game of Thrones Mania’, for the lack of a better phrase. The only cure we have discovered so far is showing people addicted to the show, one episode of Ballika Vadhu… most of them become suicidal instead of bloodthirsty, thereafter.”

“I was surprised when people around me did not die as much or with the same brutality,” Tadapit concluded dejectedly. “Only my neighbor, Sharma uncle, has died ever since I started watching the show and he passed away peacefully his sleep at the age of 105.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/02/01/game-of-thrones-fan-depressed-that-people-around-him-not-dying-often-enough/

Book Review: Marine Sniper by Charles Henderson

Charles Henderson's 'Marine Sniper' is a dramatized account of the life of a Vietnam War sniper. Based on the life and times of Sergeant Carlos Hathcock - an American soldier who apparently eventually became the posterboy of the Marine Sniper program - the book seemed an interesting prospect at first. One, I love war books and two, I love history books (Marine Sniper is set in the Vietnam War). Sadly, the book was a disappointment.

The amount of melodramatic fictionalization of everything Hathcock did was extremely jingoistic. Dialogues were overwritten with Henderson trying to explain the scene or pace along the narrative with incredibly explanatory (and thus, weird) dialogues. And the focus on battle tactics or history was minimal.

The only thing that made the book tolerable was Hathcock... real, gritty and human in the parts of the book Henderson allows him to be so.

You can buy the book here.

Book Review: The Snowden Files by Luke Harding

I labored with 'The Snowden Files' for three months, finishing off a Zaidi, a Ken Follett and Natwar Singh's latest book in the meanwhile. The only worse book I have read in the recent past has been Rachel Dwyer's incredibly boring book on how Bollywood and Indian culture is intertwined (which read like a gassy PhD thesis by some intense cultural 'frog in a well' scientist).

Harding treats Snowden and individual privacy as the subject of his own PhD thesis. After the initial pacy thriller like section on how Snowden did what he did, the book degenerates into a discussion on data privacy and how US intelligence/ NSA did what it did (i.e. spy on the world). There are interesting tidbits here and there including the spirited fight between a committed journalist cadre and US/ UK intelligence to keep the Snowden revelations in the public domain but such sections get lost between reams of explanations of technical nuances of the spying.

I was expecting much more from the book, especially since I am very particular about checking Goodreads ratings of unknown authors before buying them. Goodreads has failed me terribly, perhaps for the first time. Hope this is not the start of a trend.

Scientists develop vaccine that allows people to enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies

Can we just euthanize Mr. Khan?

Bangalore: A team of scientists, working on a government grant, has developed a vaccine that allows people to enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies, after almost a decade of research. Research on the vaccine started as soon as Mr. Khan displayed his now famous infamous skill of making terrible movies.

“We started working on the vaccine right after the first ‘Houseful’ was released,” Dr. Basu Chatterjee, a senior scientist at IISc Bangalore said. “We used findings from the Mangalyaan mission to fine tune the vaccine as well. Basically we found one scientist on the Mangalyaan mission, who got so drunk that he no longer cared whether Mangalyaan went to Mars or the Sun or crashed in the Indian Ocean. That was our biggest finding.”

“The vaccine is a mixture of rum, gin, vodka and whiskey,” Dr. Chatterjee said. “No, no… it is not the same as Long Iceland Iced Tea,” he said, reacting to a question from this reporter. “Do not ridicule our research… it took years of hard work and erm… drinking to fine tune this vaccine. Also, L. I. T. does not have whiskey. So you are wrong.”

“Now everyone can enjoy Sajid Khan’s movies,” Dr. Chatterjee concluded.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/scientists-develop-vaccine-that-allows-people-to-enjoy-sajid-khans-movies/

Panelist unsure of what to do when given time to speak by Arnab; sings nursery rhyme on air

Never understood why Arnab Goswami ever invites people to his show... all he does is shout at them. Satire.

New Delhi: A panelist on Newshour – the show made famous by Arnab Goswami’s shrieking – was shellshocked after being given sufficient time to speak on the show. In fact, so unprepared was the panelist to speak that he ended up singing ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’, a popular nursery rhyme, on air.

“When I got the invite to Arnab-da’s show, I thought I would get to enjoy Arnab-da shrieking at everyone in peace and at close quarters,” Prof. Basu Bhattacharjee, a psychology professor at Delhi University, said. “I was shocked when I actually got time to speak on the show… I was expecting to just sit in the studio and enjoy my glass of cold drink with cheese crackers. I had no choice but to start singing the first thing that came to my mind… in this case, ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’.”

Sources within Times Now have apologized for the gaffe, offering that Arnab stopped “wanting to know” only because he got a call from a credit card company who he got into a lengthy verbal argument with.

“Once Mr. Goswami gets into ‘nation wants to know’ mode, it is difficult to extricate him from it,” a spokesperson for Times Now said. “As you know, during the Newshour, Mr. Goswami is exclusively in ‘nation wants to know’ mode. So, when he got the call from the credit card company, he simply kept wanting to know.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/panelist-unsure-of-what-to-do-when-given-time-to-speak-by-arnab-sings-nursery-rhyme-on-air/

Girlfriends expected to demand 15% hike in love after survey reveals expected 15% hike in salaries in 2015

Satire. Inspired by a Facebook post...

Mumbai. After a recent survey by a business daily revealed an expected 15% in salary hikes for white collar professionals in 2015, a parallel survey run by Faking News (in response to the salary survey) has revealed that girlfriends are likely to demand a similar hike in love as well.

Faking News reached out to a sample set of over thousand girlfriends, right on the heels of the salary hike survey to determine how the economic wellbeing of their love interests would impact the females of the species. A whopping 100% girlfriends stated that they would demand a commensurate hike in love as well.
“My boyfriend has been taking me to Udupi restaurants and fruit juice stalls for dates,” Priya, an angry woman stated. “Sometimes he brings a knife and salt jar from home and applies salt to the fruit he buys from the vendor, right at his stall. At the very least, with a hike, he can get me a McAloo Tikki burger… and maybe a diamond watch.”

Meanwhile, concerned boyfriends have demanded that their employers keep their hike figures a secret so as to not receive a hike in emotional blackmail as well.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2015/01/05/girlfriends-expected-to-demand-15-hike-in-love-after-survey-reveals-expected-15-hike-in-salaries-in-2015/