Man remembers name of the brother of husband of wife’s best friend; felicitated with Bharat Ratna

Dedicated to my wife, who keeps retelling me who so and so friend of hers is.

New Delhi: A software engineer based out of Delhi was felicitated with the Bharat Ratna by the outgoing UPA government for being capable of remembering  name of the brother of husband of wife’s best friend.

The incident came to light after the wife of Tadapit Kumar – the engineer in question – posted a celebratory post on her Facebook page, alleging that Tadapit had managed to remember the name of the person in question.

Shock!

The post got liked by Rahul Gandhi, who was (reportedly) connecting with the youth and women on Facebook, and thereafter led to the nation’s highest honour being quickly bestowed upon her husband by Congress partymen eager to please Mr. Gandhi.

“Oh my God! Oh my God! He remembered the name of Swati’s husband’s brother! In seventh heaven!” read the post which led to the Bharat Ratna.

When interviewed by this Faking News reporter, Priya Kumar – the proud wife – said, rather gleefully, “Normally, he doesn’t even remember Swati’s name and asks me ‘Who is Swati?’ whenever I say I am going to meet Swati. But today he even remembered Kunal’s name! I just posted it on Facebook but had no clue it would also lead to this Bharat Ratna. Oh my God! Oh my God!”

Tadapit, however, shrugged nonchalantly when asked how he had managed to remember the name in question. “I dunno… But I am happy about the Bharat Ratna. Now I’ll ask Chadhha, my boss, to finally give me a raise!”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/man-remembers-name-of-the-brother-of-husband-of-wifes-best-friend-felicitated-with-bharat-ratna/

UPA defends Manmohan Singh’s growth record; says his beard grew three times in the last ten years

The Congress' play with statistics gets desperate by the day. Satire.

New Delhi: After coming under fierce criticism for corruption, inflation and poor economic growth from the BJP led NDA coalition, UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has come out strongly in defence of the outgoing Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh.

“Thank you Madam”

Facing flak from several BJP leaders after revelations made in Sanjay Baru and P. C. Parakh’s books, Ms. Gandhi said that while Manmohan Singh might have been silent, he did grow several things silently in the last ten years.

“Woh log kehte hain humne dus saal mein kucch nahi kiya,” Sonia Gandhi said as she read her speech, in her trademark Italian accent, sounding (as usual) as if she were reading from a sheet which had her Hindi speech written in Roman font. “Par humne bahut kuchh kiya hai.”

“We have grown a lot of things in the last ten years,” Ms. Gandhi said. “Look at Dr. Manmohan Singh… Opposition says we have done no growth in the last ten years but Dr. Singh’s beard alone has grown three times in the last ten years.”

“Also, Rahul can speak long political speeches very loudly now,” she added, beaming proudly. “Is that not progress?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/20/upa-defends-manmohan-singhs-growth-record-says-his-beard-grew-three-times-in-the-last-ten-years/

Book Review: Fermat’s last theorem by Simon Singh

I picked this book up at a used books’ store from Prithvi Theatre in Bombay, three years ago. To the best of my memory, I emptied my wallet at the bookstore, buying several old books (in decent condition)- most of which I haven’t read yet. None of this is relevant to my review of the book but it is sometimes interesting for me to muse on how the fates conspired so that I could get to read a particular book.

'Fermat’s last theorem' is the story of how Fermat’s deceptively simple looking problem, i.e. that xⁿ + yⁿ = zⁿ has no solutions for n>2, was proven. Though the book deals with advanced mathematics, it is written in a simple language and Singh has taken adequate pains to introduce concepts as if he were speaking to a five year old. It was interesting for me to know the history behind the maths I had read in high school as also read how simple logic had become potent weapons to solve complex theorems.

Fermat was an imp. He was a closet mathematician- a government servant who would write unintelligible solutions to mathematical problems in the margins of his copy of "Arithmetica". (In fact, were it not for his son, who published his musings, we might have never known what a great mathematical mind Fermat was.) True to his nature, Fermat wrote “ I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain.” mischievously instead of providing the actual proof. And thereafter, it stood unsolved, for three hundred and fifty plus years.

Singh takes one through centuries of mathematical logic – pieces of which were discovered over time – all of which came together to help Andrew Wiles solve the theorem finally in the 90’s. Even though the book is on mathematics, it is as good a page turner as a novel or a historical biography. I was hooked till the very end and even read up the annexures which had proofs of various mathematical theorems.

What intrigues me, correction – haunts me – to this day is how Fermat originally proved the theorem. Wiles’ solution relies heavily on mathematics developed only in the aftermath of World War 2 by two Japanese mathematicians – which couldn’t have been known to Fermat possibly 300 years ago.

Sublime read.

Arvind Kejriwal threatens to expose God now; claims he has enough proof

Yeh bhi hoga... soon.

Delhi: After threatening to expose a vast range of politicians, businessmen, etc. Arvind Kejriwal – the de facto chief of the Aam Admee Party – has now trained his guns on a much more exalted entity, i.e. God.

“Sab mile huye hain ji”

Speaking from Jantar Mantar, from his bi-weekly dharna, Kejriwal said that he had found enough proof that there was immense corruption in the functioning of God and all things Godly.

“We are in the process of gathering evidence and plan to expose Him soon,” Kejriwal said, amid coughs. “Prashant and Yogendra Yadavji have gathered a lot of evidence that not just all the ink and slap attacks but all acts of corruption too have been perpetrated by God Almighty Himself. Prashant has been reading a lot of religious books and they all say- jo karta hai bhagwaan hee karta hai.”

“We are also planning to do a sting operation to prove this,” Kejriwal added.

Meanwhile, Congress took the opportunity to pass off all the scams under its tenure on God too. “Now that Mr. Kejriwal has admitted this, we are sure the public will understand that no scams were actually perpetrated by us or our allies,” a senior Congress party leader said. “They were the handiwork of God Himself… Bhagwaan kee leela hai yeh sab.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/16/arvind-kejriwal-threatens-to-expose-god-now-claims-he-has-enough-proof/

Man threatens to chop Narendra Modi; proclaimed secular

It is amazing what passes for secularism these days. Satire.

Varanasi: In developing news today, a clutch of non NDA political parties proclaimed a man as ‘secular’ after he threatened to kill Narendra Modi by chopping his head off. Congress president Sonia Gandhi and Vice President Rahul Gandhi made it a point to call the man and congratulate him for being so secular.

Modi caught hold of the sword that will be used to chop him.

However, Faking News has learnt that the man was forced to say such a thing in desperation and not out of any hatred for the BJP’s Prime Ministerial candidate. Apparently, Tadapit Kumar, the man in question – a boatman in Varanasi – had been trying to get his Aadhar Card for a year to claim the MNREGA funds that his sarpanch had been siphoning away on his behalf. But despite paying bribes far in excess of his possible MNREGA salary, all Tadapit got was an assurance that he would be getting his card soon.

Deciding to take matters into his own hands, Tadapit issued the statement to his local chaiwalla, who told the village barber, who in turn informed the man who ran the printing press in the town leading to instant notoriety for Tadapit.

“Yes yes, I am ready to chop anybody for my Aadhar Card, including Modiji,” is what Tadapit is believed to have actually said. However, as soon as the first pamphlets carrying “Villager to chop Modi” appeared in his district, political parties descended on the scene to take advantage of the situation, blaming Modi for polarizing the till now riot-free village of Ramapur in Varanasi.

“We congratulate Mr. Kumar for realizing what a polarizing force Mr. Modi is and discovering the joys of being secular,” Sonia Gandhi said in Rai Bareilly, issuing a statement on behalf of the Congress party. “I will be calling him shortly to congratulate him for his secular-ness.”

Abu Azmi, of the Samajwadi Party, did not make any statement but did issue an anticipatory retraction when contacted.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/14/man-threatens-to-chop-narendra-modi-proclaimed-secular/

Rahul Gandhi decides to meet KRK to upstage Modi-Rajnikanth meeting

 Couldn't resist... satire.

Delhi: After BJP’s PM candidate Narendra Modi met Rajnikanth to seek his endorsement for the Prime Minister’s post, Rahul Gandhi – Congress’ Prime Ministerial candidate – has decided to seek the endorsement of a similarly qualified movie star. However, since no superstar agreed to meet him on such short notice, Rahul had to settle for a relatively jobless movie actor, Kamal Rashid Khan, famous for his stints on Big Boss and the unintentionally funny “Deshdrohi” movies.

Apparently, Narendra Modi on Sunday evening met actor Rajnikanth at the latter’s residence in Chennai right after reaching the city. Seeking to react quickly to the move, the Congress High Command under pressure from Rahul, hurriedly set up a meeting with KRK with an eye on the all-important “secular” vote bank.

“Rahulji will soon be meeting KRK at his residence to seek his blessings,” Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Congress spokesperson said. “Had Mr. Modi cared about Muslims, he would have met some Khan too, instead of Rajnikanth. This proves that Congress is the only truly secular party.”

When asked what would Mr. Gandhi do on meeting KRK, Mr. Singhvi said, “Considering Mr. Khan is talking about which woman he will hit on next on his Twitter account all the time, I think they will discuss female empowerment.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/14/rahul-gandhi-decides-to-meet-krk-to-upstage-modi-rajnikanth-meeting/

Rahul Gandhi has been using the Rs 9 lakh loan granted by Sonia for interview training

My two cents on where the nine lakh rupees went.

New Delhi: After giving the second interview of his political career on Aaj Tak, insiders from within the Rahul Gandhi camp have revealed that Mr. Gandhi has been using the Rs. 9 lakh loan granted to him by his mother for interview training from a CAT coaching institute. The speculation had already begun after Mr. Gandhi was uncharacteristically self assured during the interview and much more shockingly, did not make any references to “Jupiter”, “beehive” or “escape velocity”.

“Yes, yes he has been using the loan to go to a CAT training institute for GDPI (Group Discussion & Personal Interview) training,” a source close to Mr. Gandhi said, on condition of anonymity. “They have been teaching him about the economy, current affairs, general knowledge, etc. so that he can give better interviews.”

The Aaj Tak interview, however, led to widespread disappointment and angry reactions from Indian citizens.

“I sacrificed watching Comedy Nights with Kapil for this interview but it was not nearly funny enough this time,” Tadapit Kumar, a pensioner based in Delhi said. “What is the point of Rahul Gandhi if he does not make funny remarks? That is his whole space in Indian politics.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/13/rahul-gandhi-has-been-using-the-rs-9-lakh-loan-granted-by-sonia-for-interview-training/

 

Employee shocked to discover his goals before appraisal; admitted to hospital

Satire.

Mumbai: An employee with a software firm recently went into shock after actually discovering what his goals for the year actually were, before his annual appraisal.

The employee in question – called Tadapit Kumar – had been working for the firm for five years, ever since he joined the firm from his engineering college campus but had never actually seen what his goals were and instead had been simply doing what his boss asked him to do.

“What was I doing so far?”

“All of us do what our team lead or his boss asks us to do even if it means removing dog poo from their shoes,” a friend of Tadapit said, on condition of anonymity. “Sure, we do fill in some generic crap on the Career portal every year, but that’s mostly for show.

No one except Tadapit has actually seen their real goals. And now see what has happened to him… he has gone mad. He is chanting ‘goals, goals, goals’from his hospital bed.”

“No no no… we are not shutting down our Indian operations here, everything is normal,” Chadhha, Tadapit’s manager said, when accosted by this Faking News reporter. “Tadapit was not actually supposed to see his goals; it was just a minor software glitch. I assure you none of our firm’s other products have any glitches at all.”

This Faking News reporter managed to gain access to Tadapit’s hospital ward, to seek his version of the story as well. “I actually saw my goals for the first time,” Tadapit kept repeating from his bed in the mental patients’ quarantine ward, looking as if he had seen God.

“It was fleeting but beautiful,” he said, with tears of joy in his eyes. “Every year, Chadhha would tell me I had not met my goals without telling me what they actually were. But this time, I saw them… I actually saw them!”

And with that he relapsed into a senseless chant, “Goals, my goals, my goals,” an expression of awe plastered on his face.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/15/employee-shocked-to-discover-his-goals-before-appraisal-admitted-to-hospital/

After Shahi Imam of Jama Masjid, Rahul Gandhi says he’ll seek endorsement of Doraemon as well

The elections are close and I just couldn't resist the allure of Rahul Gandhi that one more time.

Satire. 

New Delhi: A day after his mother – Ms. Sonia Gandhi – sourced the endorsement of Syed Ahmed Bukhari, the Shahi Imam of Jama Masjid, Rahul Gandhi added one more potential endorser to the fray of the great Indian election tamasha. Mr. Gandhi said he would be travelling to seek the approval and endorsement of Doraemon to bolster his appeal amongst the youth of the country.

“I have been watching Doraemon a lot these days and most importantly, he attains escape velocity easily,” Mr. Gandhi said. “It is important that we seek his endorsement as well, especially since Congress is a youth centric party. But try as I might, I have not been able to locate him anywhere. So, I have tasked Sibalji and Digvijayji with finding Doraemon and getting him to issue an endorsement on our behalf.”

When this Faking News reporter reached Mr. Sibal’s office, he was found sitting in his chair in a face-palm posture.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/06/after-shahi-imam-of-jama-masjid-rahul-gandhi-says-hell-seek-endorsement-of-doraemon-as-well/

Not just filing nominations, Advani & Modi pee together as well

To the 86 year old, who has finally come around. Satire.

Gandhinagar: After veteran BJP leader L. K. Advani filed his nomination accompanied by Prime Minister hopeful, Narendra Modi, sources from within the BJP have announced that the two have become so close now that they even pee together, sometimes to the extent of insisting on it. While the two leaders have been at odds for several years, the party line is now that the two have become “chuddi buddies” over the past few months.

“Yes Advaniji did have some initial reservations on Mr. Modi about becoming the Prime Ministerial candidate from the BJP,” a source from within the party said, on condition of anonymity. “But now, not just filing nominations together, they do everything together. Things like sleepovers, playstation games and on top of it, they even go to the loo together… I think their friendship has become so deep that their urinary cycles have become aligned.”

“In fact, Advaniji has stopped using fans and air conditioners at home altogether,” the source continued. “He just uses the Modi wave to cool himself.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/04/06/not-just-filing-nominations-advani-modi-pee-together-as-well/