Vodafone claims customer service will get worse after India scraps talks on tax dispute

Dedicated to the best worst telecom sector company.

Delhi: In response to tax reconciliation talks with the Indian government over tax dues of $2.6 billion breaking down, Vodafone has claimed that its customer service will only go further downhill if it is made to pay these dues.

Hard times

The dispute has been going on for more than five years with several rounds of discussion already having taken place between the Indian government and representatives from Vodafone.

“A recent survey showed us that Vodafone customer service agents are the dumbest in the country, even worse than BSNL,” a spokesperson for the company said.

“If we have to pay this much money, we will fire all our current staff and hire the dumbest possible customer service agents at really low pays. Most of the time they will just say ‘Hello, hello? I can’t hear your voice.’ The other half of the time, they will just sit and breathe heavily into the phone or count from one to hundred in loop, while the customer shouts at them angrily.”

“Eventually, we might even take a leaf out of the ruling national party’s book and release Telecom Nirman ads,” the man added, “while effectively doing nothing for the telecom sector or the country.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/12/vodafone-claims-customer-service-will-get-worse-after-india-scraps-talks-on-tax-dispute/

Srinivasan requests government for “Vadra” type protection for son-in-law

Dedicated to the "Vadra" of IPL.

Soon after reports began filtering in of a Supreme Court appointed panel of judges indicting N. Srinivasan’s son-in-law, Gurunath Meiyappan, on committing illegal activities as a Principal of the Chennai Super Kings, N. Srinivasan reportedly reached out to the Congress to ensure his son-in-law gets the same level of protection as the nation’s official son-in-law.

Son-in laws should be preserved.

In a letter to Congress President, Sonia Gandhi, Mr. Srinivasan is reported to have written, “I request that all charges against my son-in-law be dropped in the same manner as Mr. Vadra. After all, my son-in-law is also merely a private citizen and an honest businessman to boot, with just a passing interest in cricket.”

The letter also went on to demand the suspension of the panel of judges and filing of multiple cases against them to harass them. “Just like Ashok Khemka, these vigilante judges should be brought to book!” the letter continues. “Please ensure that multiple FIRs, PILs, etc. are filed against them in silly or fabricated cases so that they dare not touch another influential son-in-law again!”

“After all, boys will be boys,” the letter concluded.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/12/srinivasan-requests-government-for-vadra-type-protection-for-son-in-law/

BCCI demands that India be allowed to play Book-Cricket on foreign pitches

Dedicated to our very own paper tigers.

New Zealand: After India’s poor showing in the ODI series against New Zealand and its imminent defeat in the first test match, BCCI has demanded that India only play Book Cricket in foreign countries. The demand went by way of a written letter to the ICC from the BCCI President, N. Srinivasan.

Reliable sources have told Faking News that this move has come on the back of the BCCI Chief N. Srinivasan and some of his relatives (like a certain Mr. Meiyappan) losing money heavily after placing bets with bookies on India winning at least one match. N. Srinivasan himself is reported to have lost at least a crore rupees in a day.

In this format of the game, captains from both teams would sit in the centre of the pitch with a rather thick book- either an engineering or a medical entrance book- like ‘Organic Chemistry’ by Morrison Boyd and take turns to flip through the pages for the correct number of runs. The rest of the players would be allowed to chill, sleep or spend time with their girlfriends just like normally.

When questioned about this, Mr. Srinivasan completely denied his involvement in the matter and said that malicious elements were out to malign him and his son-in-law. However, the matter soon caught the attention of the AAP who first, threatened to go on a dharna in support of the move and later, after a quick huddle, against it.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/09/bcci-demands-that-india-be-allowed-to-play-book-cricket-on-foreign-pitches/

Congress promises free 2BHKs on Noida expressway if voted to power in 2014

Noida Expressway property developers and Congress have one thing in common. Empty promises.

Satire. 

Delhi: The Congress party today has revealed that it shall give out free flats on Noida Expressway to everyone if voted to power in 2014. The revelation was made in a press conference by senior Congress party leaders including Rahul Gandhi.

The move will be brought about as a “Right to Noida Expressway Property” Act and is likely to be named as the “Rajeev Gandhi Noida Awaas Yojna” or RGNAY. “RGNAY is going to be a game changer for empowering this country,” Rahul Gandhi, poll campaign chief of the Congress said as an answer to a question. “I will personally walk up to people I find on the street, hand them their Noida expressway property papers and empower them.”

When pointed out that such an Act would be unfeasible as among other things, Congress had no means of providing a 2 BHK on the Noida expressway to everyone, the infrastructure in this part of Noida was severely underdeveloped, projects were stuck due to litigation and lack of fund & approvals, etc., Mr. Gandhi said inexplicably, “What Rahul Gandhi wants to do, is that Rahul Gandhi and millions of youngsters in this country want to change the way the system in this country works. What Rahul Gandhi wants to do is empower the women in this country, wants to unleash the power of these women; I mean we talk about being a superpower.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/09/congress-promises-free-2bhks-on-noida-expressway-if-voted-to-power-in-2014/

Shahrukh and Salman Khan working on Facebook movies; eyeing Eid release

Dedicated to all my friends who just couldn't resist the snazzy new toy from Facebook.

Satire.


Soon after Facebook released a functionality that allowed users to create a look-back video off their timelines, Bollywood seems to have gotten into the monetization act. In what is quickly heating up as a battle between the Khans, both Shah Rukh and Salman Khan are gunning for an Eid release slot for their Facebook movies.

“After Jai Ho did not do that well, Bhai is taking extra care to make sure his Facebook movie goes off well,” a source in the Salman Khan camp told this Faking News reporter. “We have heard that Shah Rukh is also working on his Facebook movie so that it can release on Eid like Bhai’s movie, but we are not worried. Bhai ke paas body, bracelet aur ‘Being Human’ hai… Shah Rukh ke paas kya hai?”

Reportedly, Aamir Khan has also started working on his Facebook movie but is only gunning for a 2016 release to ensure that everything is perfect.

Meanwhile, Imran Khan released his Facebook movie on his timeline yesterday- a fact that largely passed by unnoticed.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/09/shahrukh-and-salman-khan-working-on-facebook-movies-eyeing-eid-release/

UPA empowered Satya Nadella to become Microsoft CEO: Rahul Gandhi

He's not an Indian... He's a Person of Indian Origin. 

India- stop taking credit!

After an Indian called Satya Nadella, who was relatively unknown till now, became the new CEO of Microsoft, very few institutions have wasted time in trying to claim that they had a “hand” in Nadella’s development.

“WTF”

Aside from Mr. Nadella’s school (Hyderabad Public School) and various colleges, the Congress party has also quickly jumped into the fray of trying to claim that they had everything (or most things) to do with his elevation to CEO.

“This is the best example of Bharat Nirman,” Rahul Gandhi, Congress Vice President said, who coincidentally is almost as old as Mr. Nadella. “Both the father and father-in-law of Mr. Nadella were IAS officers in Congress governments.”

When informed that Nadella had joined Microsoft 22 years ago and that the current Congress party could not have, in any way, empowered him 22 years ago, Mr. Rahul Gandhi said, “What Rahul Gandhi wants to do, is Rahul Gandhi and millions of youngsters in this country want to change the way the system in this country works. What Rahul Gandhi wants to do is empower the women in this country, wants to unleash the power of these women, I mean we talk about being a superpower.”

Reacting to the confused look on this reporter’s face, Mr. Gandhi asked, “What if I ask that question back to you?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/07/upa-empowered-satya-nadella-to-become-microsoft-ceo-rahul-gandhi/

Kejriwal’s muffler stolen; AAP threatens to go on dharna

Dedicated to the Aam Admee Dharna Party.

New Delhi: The Delhi Chief Minister, Mr. Arvind Kejriwal’s muffler was stolen today. Sources from within the Aam Admee Party said that the muffler was stolen sometime between 9 AM and 12 noon as a photograph taken of Kejriwal at 9 AM showed him with the muffler on, while in a photograph taken after 12 noon, Kejriwal did not have the muffler on.

Kejriwal with his muffler

An AAP member tried filing an FIR on behalf of Mr. Kejriwal; however, the matter quickly got embroiled in the issue of jurisdiction since between 9 and 10 AM, Mr. Kejriwal was technically in Uttar Pradesh (in his Kaushambi flat) and between 10 and 12 noon, he was in Delhi. Needless to say, both the UP and the Delhi Police refused to register a case citing jurisdiction issues.

“We believe this has been perpetrated by the same people who stole Azam Khan Sahib’s buffaloes,” a senior AAP member said. “A few gangs are stealing things that are very dear to famous politicians so as to unsettle them before national elections. We have heard from reliable sources that Chidambaram’s spectacles and Rahul Gandhi’s white kurta are also on their watchlist.”

By 1 PM today, the case had blown up into a full blown (alleged) political conspiracy with each political party blaming the other. The AAP blamed the BJP for stealing the muffler. The BJP blamed the Congress for stealing the muffler so that it looked like BJP stole the muffler. The Congress blamed the AAP Chief Minister for being careless and misplacing the muffler; the party also threatened to empower more people if the muffler was not found.

By 2 PM, the Aam Admee Party had given up its search for the muffler and gone on a dharna in honor of the missing muffler.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/06/kejriwals-muffler-stolen-aap-threatens-to-go-on-dharna/

Rahul Gandhi is so “empowering” that we use him to charge our phones: Youth Congress leaders

Starting off a new month with RaGa satire.

Delhi: Independent conversations with Youth Congress leaders, including Haseeba Ameen (the woman appearing in Rahul Gandhi’s campaign ads) have revealed that the organization has begun using his abilities for non-political things as well.

Electric smile

Apparently, Rahul Gandhi has become soempowering that his body has begun generating electricity as well.

“Rahulji is a Gandhi 2.0 version- a hardware update that not only speaks of empowerment but gives you empowerment, or sometimes electric shocks, as soon as he touches you,” Ameen said. “Most of us now use him to charge our mobile phones as well. In fact, his own Blackberry never loses battery life as it is in constant contact with him.”

When asked about what was the modus operandi behind Mr. Gandhi generating electricity, another Congress worker said, on condition of anonymity, “We just have to ask him a question he does not know the answer to and his brain releases electric signals which begin empowering everybody or everything he comes in contact with.”

“In fact after coming back from Arnab Goswami’s interview, Rahulji was so empowering that we used him to generate a day’s electricity for our headquarters in Lutyens Delhi,” the man added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/03/rahul-gandhi-is-so-empowering-that-we-use-him-to-charge-our-phones-youth-congress-leaders-2/

Dhoni thanks Rahul Gandhi for helping people forget that India lost series in New Zealand

The interview of the year has given me enough material to write about for at least another year! 

Satire. 

India lost a cricket series 4-0 to New Zealand- a news event that largely went by unnoticed because of Rahul Gandhi’s extraordinary display of ineptitude in his interview with Arnab Goswami on Times Now. This fact was not lost on Mahendra Singh Dhoni, the Indian cricket team captain, who thanked Rahul Gandhi publicly for giving him much needed breathing space.

“What an amazing interview,” Dhoni said. “It lifted up our spirits when we saw it on Youtube after losing the series. In fact, Sir Ravindra Jadeja was actually rolling on the floor, laughing. More importantly, it seems to have taken the media glare off us.”

“I remember the last time we lost a series, there were all these News Hour type debates where all kinds of ex-cricketers made comments about our bowling, fielding, batting, eating, drinking, breathing, etc.,” the Indian captain continued. “But this series loss passed by so peacefully. I think I am going to vote for Congress in the next elections. Ek interview se yeh haal hai to socho Prime Minister ban gaya to har roz itna drama hoga.”

“We can then comfortably keep on losing matches,” Dhoni added.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/01/dhoni-thanks-rahul-gandhi-for-helping-people-forget-that-india-lost-series-in-new-zealand/

Management Trainee directly promoted to CEO after speaking nonsense for an hour

Inspired by a CEO's newsbyte on CNBC. He spoke a lot and managed to say nothing.

Satire. 

In an extraordinary feat of mental acuity, a Management Trainee in a consulting firm was promoted directly to CEO after he managed to speak nonsense extempore for an hour.

As per sources with the firm, the lucky new joinee had been, in fact, simply asked to introduce himself to other Management Trainees. However, the man launched into an awe inspiring speech, the specifics of which none of the people around him could remember later.

“It was like watching a Salman Khan movie or meeting with an accident that causes severe head trauma,” a fellow Management Trainee said. “Tadapit Kumar,” he continued referring to the Management Trainee in question, “spoke for an hour- but his speech was so generic and full of gas that I was almost reminded of Rahul Gandhi. Needless to say, much like Rahul Gandhi, the firm quickly promoted him to CEO, so that he might lead the company.”

“We are a consulting firm,” a senior HR executive familiar with the development said. “Our money-making capacities depend on our employees going up to clients and consistently backing ideas or models or other things underpaid interns have found for them on Google with long winding, snore inducing and rather confusing speeches. Our erstwhile CEO was very specific at times and would also give out facts and figures when asked specific questions. With Tadapit, who can let loose several bursts of verbal diarrhea in rapid succession, we have finally found someone who can back our half baked presentations with generic nonsense.”

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/02/management-trainee-promoted-to-ceo-after-speaking-nonsense-for-an-hour/