Government transfers influenza virus after Robert Vadra gets flu

Down with the flu myself. Couldn't resist taking Raaaabert down with me. On Faking News.

Delhi: The Ministry for Personnel has decided to transfer the influenza virus after Robert Vadra, the son-in-law-in-chief of India, got sick with the flu. The illness in question developed after Mr. Vadra consumed some crushed ice golas without paying anything for them.

“It is good no?” Rahul Gandhi, brother-in-law of the nation’s son-in-law said, “This way fewer people will fall sick.” When this Faking News Reporter pointed out that the move seemed to be something of a farce, Mr. Gandhi replied, “No no no… This is as important as Pakistan not granting us Most Favored Nation status. It is absolutely not a farce.” After appearing lost in his thoughts for some time, Mr. Gandhi added, “We are not just transferring the virus. We will give it self confidence and anger management classes too.”

Speaking to a bunch of reporters on the issue, Manmohan Singh- in charge of the Ministry for Personnel- sneezed. The Prime Minister’s office was quick to tag the sneeze as a speech and refute rumors that the Prime Minister was silent on the issue.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/14/government-transfers-influenza-virus-after-robert-vadra-gets-flu/

UPA govt to grant separate state to Robert Vadra for land scams

Dedicated to the honesty of Ashok Khemka. On Faking News.

An inside source within the Congress party has revealed that the UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has written a letter to the Prime Minister’s Office requesting creation of a separate state for her son-in-law. The proposed move is intended to help Mr. Vadra to grab land at dirt cheap rates and resell it later at exorbitant rates to property developers. Additionally, Madam Gandhi has requested in her letter that the newly carved state have no IAS officers or other officers of the bureaucracy, to allow the transactions to go through smoothly.

The letter appears to have come in response to Ashok Khemka presenting a 100 page report detailing the murky dealings between Mr. Robert Vadra and DLF. Speaking to this Faking News reporter on condition of anonymity, the source said, “Even a Chetan Bhagat book has more pages. What can Mr. Khemka prove in 100 pages that our government can’t deny, disprove or pass an ordinance quickly to justify retroactively?”

Mr. Vadra was unavailable for comment. However Rahul Gandhi, the Youth Congress head, refused to confirm or deny the development but did make a trademark meaningless statement. “All states are a state of mind,” he said enigmatically.

my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/14/government-transfers-influenza-virus-after-robert-vadra-gets-flu/

Disgruntled IIPM ex-student steals Arindam Chaudhari’s ponytail

Inspired by the full page ads... up on Faking News.

Delhi: Sources within the IIPM have revealed that a disgruntled ex-student of the institute called Rakesh Juneja has stolen Arindam Chaudhari’s ponytail.

After the incident, Mr. Chaudhari was said to be depressed & suicidal and was rumored to be murmuring “Oh my precious… my precious” at intermittent intervals while meandering through the halls of IIPM Delhi.
When contacted, Rakesh Juneja- an IIPM passout of 2012- accepted that he had cut off and stolen the ponytail. “Yes I stole it,” he said angrily. “But Mr. Chaudhari stole my future prospects! I turned down calls from IIM Indore & Lucknow to join IIPM after seeing one of his full page color ads which asked me to think beyond the IIMs. But now whenever I go to interviews, recruiters just look at the ‘IIPM’ word on my CV and laugh.”

A spokesperson for IIPM had this to say. “The entire economy’s bad. How is it our fault that Mr. Juneja did not get placed? He should steal Manmohan Singh’s spectacles if he cannot get a job! At least, Mr. Juneja got a free laptop and foreign tour out of his MBA; which institute can give you that?” Talking about the relevance of the ponytail to Mr. Chaudhari’s life he said, “It is extremely critical for us to retrieve the ponytail. It is one of Mr. Chaudhari’s Horcruxes.” However, the spokesperson refused to reveal Mr. Chaudhari’s other Horcruxes fearing that other enterprising ex IIPM students might find a way to destroy him.

The ponytail in question has been put up for sale by Mr. Juneja on ebay for a reserve price of fifteen lakhs- his entire IIPM fees.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/12/disgruntled-iipm-ex-student-steals-arindam-chaudharis-ponytail/

Demand for large pothole to be named India’s 30th state

Dedicated to Telangana. Satire.

In the aftermath of Telengana being named India’s 29^th state, demands for statehood have cropped up in various parts of the country, ranging from Bodoland to Gorkhaland to Amethi to a pothole in a South Delhi colony. Digvijaya Singh, Congress’ jester-in-chief, added fat to the fire by saying, “Yes yes… India should have more states. Before independence we had hundreds of these smaller states ruled by kings. At the very least it should be a round number. Twenty nine somehow just seems wrong.”

Protesters leading the demand for new states revealed that they were bored with their mundane lives and desperately wanted to go through, once more, the rigmarole of having to get fresh driving licenses, PAN Cards, Aadhar Cards, etc. issued with the name of a new state on them. Most of them felt that getting a new state would magically solve all their problems; it would stem the rise in fuel prices, give them access to pesticide free mid day meals and give them plate fulls of food for Rs. 12.

Residents of the Vasant Vihar Block- A-2 RWA Samiti held a dharna outside UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi’s residence demanding statehood for a large pothole at the entrance to their colony.

“The pothole has been here since my childhood,” said Rahmat Khan, a resident of the Vasant Vihar Colony, tears welling up in my eyes. “It has outlived many BJP and Congress Councilors. It is a landmark everyone knows our area by. It is the sole reason our colony has flourished- all our automobile repair shops and nursing homes do brisk business all year round.”

Sonia Gandhi, in turn, reacted to the development by writing a letter to the Prime Minister that contained the words “Yo wassup?” The PMO is known to have replied, “Nothing much. Chilling.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/04/demand-for-large-pothole-to-be-named-indias-30th-state/

Delhi Government to create several mini jams to avoid major traffic jams

Written after a particularly frustrating traffic jam almost right outside my gate. Up on Faking News.

In a bid to avoid arterial roads from getting gridlocked during monsoons, the Delhi government has decided to preempt major traffic jams by bringing minor traffic jams literally to your doorstep.

Speaking to this Faking News reporter, Ms. Sheila Dikshit said, “Yes, it’s true. There are too many traffic jams during monsoon rains and I end up missing my spa appointments, because the roads are so badly gridlocked that the police cannot even block traffic for VIP movement.”

The move will see traffic police putting up huge barricades on smaller connecting roads, service roads, streets leading to houses & colonies, etc. to create minor traffic jams on non arterial roads. As per Ms. Dikshit, “We lucked upon the idea when during a particular bad spell of rains, potholes and water logging on colony roads and streets actually cleared up traffic on arterial roads.” However, she was quick to point out that the traffic situation in the city was not her responsibility (similar to women’s safety, the power situation or the state of roads) and it came under the realm of the Traffic Police who reported to the Mayor or the Lt. Governor or the Queen of England but “definitely not me.”

The project, per Ms. Dikshit, would be called “Rajeev Gandhi Traffic Jam Yojna”. When questioned on the logic of naming such a project after a Gandhi, she said, “Naming a project after Rajeev Gandhi makes it justifiable for crores of rupees to go down the drain. No one even raises a finger then; they think- scam hua to kya hua, naam mein hee Rajeev Gandhi hai.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/08/05/delhi-government-to-create-several-mini-jams-to-avoid-major-traffic-jams/

After Aditi Restaurant all currency notes to have jokes

My satirical reaction to the Youth Congress' misplaced enthusiasm.

Taking a leaf out of the book of the restaurant its youth workers shut down, the Congress led UPA government has mandated that all currency notes would now have jokes printed on them instead of the RBI Governor’s signature.

“You see #aditirestaurant has been trending for a long time now and no one even knows what our social media portal Khidkee.com is,” Congress leader and part time comedian, Digvijay Singh said. “Most people think it is an e-commerce site for selling windows. So we have decided to copy Aditi Restaurant’s strategy and print jokes on currency notes to get our message across to the masses.”

Mr. Singh shared some examples that the ‘Rahul Gandhi sycophants group’ on Khidkee.com had come up with for printing on the notes, which included “Pappu chahiye ya Puppy basher? You decide!”, “Narendra Modi ko VISA doge toh MasterCard kya karega?” and so on.

Reacting to the strong condemnation from both print and TV media to Youth Congress workers shutting down Aditi Restaurant, Mr. Singh said, “Indian media needs to learn from the UK media and stop fixating on the actions of the Congress party workers only. Look at them! Look at the amount of fuss the English media has made about the royal baby. Our royal baby, Rahul baba, gets almost no press coverage in comparison. You have to see how cute and cuddly he is too!”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/24/after-aditi-restaurant-all-currency-notes-to-have-jokes/

Government declares puppies illegal

The following text is satirical. Do not mistake for reality.

Reacting to Narendra Modi’s statements about killing puppies with chauffeur driven cars, the Congress was quick to react by declaring puppies communal and illegal. 

Calling a quick press conference in response to the God given opportunity Mr. Modi’s comment had provided, Mr. Abhishek Manu Singhvi, the Congress spokesperson (better known for his starring role in a doctored MMS) jumped up and down with glee for a full ten minutes after which he said, “We will now remove the CBI from the Ishrat Jahaan case and get them to investigate how many puppies Mr. Modi has killed in the last year. We also declare all puppies communally motivated and condemn their role in the Hindutva movement.”

With minutes of the speech airing on TV, the hashtag “#puppy” started trending on Twitter. The Prime Minister’s Office was quick to issue a statement via Twitter- “Mr. Gandhi is called #Pappu, not #Puppy. BJP get your facts right!” The tweet was however inexplicably deleted within a few minutes. 

By evening, the Wikipedia page of “Puppy” had a section on Narendra Modi and PETA had appointed Mr. Modi as a brand ambassador. “No one really cares about puppies killed by politicians’ cars,” a PETA spokesperson said, “or politicians or their cars for that matter. But this gives us an excellent opportunity to highlight the issue of unprotected sex amongst stray dogs, which in turn leads to the puppies Mr. Modi keeps killing.”

Not just for PM’s post, Mayawati in race for Miss India too

Final satirical post of the day. Up on Faking News.

Inside sources within the Congress party have revealed that Mayawati has demanded that if she cannot be Prime Minister, she at least needs to be Miss India. The request has come from the Bahujan Samaj Party as a precondition to supporting UPA in the next Lok Sabha elections.

Speaking from her perch atop the party’s official elephant, the lady popularly known as behenji said, “Prime Minister banao… nahi to Miss India hee sahee.” (If I can’t be Prime Minister, I at least need to be Miss India.) “Aaj tak koi dalit mahila Miss India kyun nahi banee?” Mayawati asked in her trademark screeching banshee style.

In response to the development, Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde- the country’s home minister read from a paper that contained his prepared statement. “Baa baaa black sheep,” he said, “Have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for my master, one for my dame, one for the little boy that lives down the lane.” When pointed out that he had most likely mistaken a nursery rhyme for his statement, Mr. Shinde vehemently denied the allegation and said that he had meant every word he said.

At the time of this article’s going into print, twenty five men had reportedly suffered heart attacks at the thought of Mayawati in a bikini.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/11/not-just-for-pms-post-mayawati-in-race-for-miss-india-too/

BMC stunned as road survives monsoon showers

Second of three satirical pieces written today.

A spokesperson for the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation expressed his surprise and regret as a road was found to have survived the showers intact, post the first deluge of the monsoons in Mumbai.

Speaking to reporters, Mr. Nandkumar Tawde, the spokesperson for the BMC, looked deeply moved as he said, “We are deeply aggrieved by the fact that a one kilometer stretch of road in Vile Parle West has survived the first rains of the monsoon.”

Talking about taking strict action against the perpetrators of this heinous act of negligence and insubordination, Mr. Tawde said, “The engineers responsible for overseeing this stretch of road have already been suspended. Their actions have badly affected the delicate cycle of road building, breaking, fresh tendering and road rebuilding that keeps us employed.”

Speaking about BMC’s plans for Mumbai, Mr. Tawde rubbished talk of an increase in FSI and instead talked of increasing the area allocated to slums in the city. “We are going to start a ‘My city, my slum’ scheme wherein people will be encouraged to ditch high rises and come live in slums. We are in advanced stages of talks with developers to build high grade slums for the middle class to live in. This is the only viable option for a normal middle class person since at their salaries, it normally takes about 28,000 years to save enough money to own a one BHK flat in a Mumbai high rise.”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/11/bmc-stunned-as-road-survives-monsoon-showers/

After passage of Food Security Ordinance, poor people demand security from Rahul Gandhi

First of three written today.

With the UPA government having notified the ordinance on Food Security, 70% of Indians who live below the poverty line are 100% worried that Rahul Gandhi will visit their houses and eat all their food. Mr. Gandhi, who for some time was on a dalit house visiting and food consuming spree, was not available for comment.

People in villages in the farthest possible corners of India were reported to be worried that since national elections were near, Mr. Gandhi would kick start his food eating gimmicks again and eat away their monthly entitlements. Mr. Gandhi is known to visit houses of extremely impoverished Indians with an army of bodyguards, secretaries, drivers, rank Congress party people, etc to demonstrate he can have “poor people food” too.

According to Babu Rao, the sarpanch of an impoverished village in Madhya Pradesh, people in his village were not only terrified of Rahul Gandhi dipping into their rations but also of Digvijay Singh accompanying him to their houses and boring them to death.

Mr. Singh had this to say when approached by this Faking News reporter: “The only reason we gave them food security is so that Congress leaders could visit their houses and be photographed having food there. What is the point of giving poor people free food otherwise?”

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/07/11/after-passage-of-food-security-ordinance-poor-people-demand-security-from-rahul-gandhi/